Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

[hibbledibble]

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

As a midwife I would have no problem with a sensible child being present at a homebirth provoded that there was somewhere for them to step away to and someone who could look after them if it all got a bit too much. Is there a grandparent or auntie who could be there for her? I agree with watching some birth videos beforehand although l reccomend some YouTube homebirths rather than One Born which is obviously very medicalised and somewhat dramatised. Yes things do have the potential to go wrong, but usually things unfold more slowly than a lay person might realise and a trained professional would be able to identify quite quickly that perhaps your DD would be better off in another room. There are obviously very exceptions but these are so rare that I’m not sure it’s worth dwelling on a great deal.

I would let her be there for part of the labour and post birth cuddles, but not the actual pushing part or as the baby takes its first few breaths. Just because if the midwives need to act quickly they don't need the added complication of an 8 year old in the room.

If she was 14 or 15, maybe, but not 8.

Nutkins, there is the difference. ‘Made to’ . Op’s Dd has asked to,- totally different.
Not everyone is the same.
I was very graphic in my description of how I may behave, there is no point in sugar coating it.

Sorry but not at that age, far too young. As a mum myself I would not even think about letting my child see me like that.

I think it's a bad idea.

A friend recently had her fourth after three previously uncomplicated home births. For some reason, she found this one much more painful than the others: was still able to manage without pain relief but said the noises she was making freaked her husband out and the midwives were quite on edge and considering intervention. This baby also needed to be transferred and put on a drip.

All fine now, her other kids were having a sleepover with grandparents but based on her previous birth there would be no reason to suspect anything different about this one.
If her 8 year old had asked to be present then stared to pick up on her dads worry, or the midwives worry, what would happen then? This wasn't a case of 'things going wrong' just a case of a much more painful birth than anticipated and some minor worries, but to an 8 year old that could really be quite traumatic.

I think the likelihood of her being freaked out is higher than the likelihood of her not, to be honest, and I don't think either mother, father or midwives should have to have their attention diverted to look after her in that context when there is a new baby being born who should be the focus.

Haha yes ds also very easy with ‘bodily fluids, blood and such’. Some people are, people who aren’t find that concept difficult to understand.
As pp said, birth just isn’t quite as dramatic as obem likes to portray, many many births plod along and go off without hitch. Big drama is rare. I had two midwives in with me plus a doctor was called to man the resus table, them plus dh, dm, and ds in the room but it still felt calm. The medical staff didn’t bat an eye at ds’s presence and chatted with him explaining things as I was too out of it to be able to.

Absolutely not

My then 6 and 8yr got home from school to catch the end part of my home birth. They weren’t upset by it and there were other adults about to take them elsewhere if they wanted.

I was fortunate to find all four of my births easy and I didn’t need pain relief with them so they didn’t come home to find me shrieking or anything.

If you are calm giving birth and find the pain manageable then it’s a natural experience which girls have likely seen for generations.

I didn't scream at all during labour on either occasion. From the sounds of things the OP is fairly placid as well.

First time round, an 8 year old would have wandered off in boredom long before anything 'interesting' actually happened as I just sat there puffing a bit for quite a long time. Second time, I was told I had got to the hospital too soon, because I clearly wasn't in enough pain yet, as I was laughing, chatting, walked up the stairs to the maternity unit etc. Midwife was slightly surprised when she looked a bit closer and found a head about to emerge as I had left it so late.

There also wasn't much in the way of blood on either occasion.

I grew up in a farming environment where giving birth is just an aspect of the circle of life. I would have had no issue with having a child present. DH on the other hand was next to useless.

She's too young imo.

What if this labour isn't as straightforward as the previous ones? It could be very traumatic for her and could give her issues about childbirth which might stay with her into adulthood. I don't really understand the desire to have her there to be honest.

DS3 (and DS2) were born at home. DS3 arrived very quickly in the middle of the night and there was no time to dispatch to Grandparents. I was hoping he would sleep through, but within minutes of the birth there was a voice (DS1) from the top of the stairs asking to come downstairs - we done wonder how much he actually saw and I suspect he saw most of it, although he assures us he didn't - to be fair it doesn't seem to have done any lasting damage!

It's fine, have someone on hand or on call, to take her in another room and be with her if it becomes too much, and you need partner with you

i saw a baby being born when I was 17, and it was an ordeal that stayed with me for some time - watching someone you love, in pain, even 'good' pain, is traumatic, and I was much older and signed up for it.

I think it's a hard call as you don't know how she'll take it, it could be fine and a lovely moment, or it could be something that seems fine but that she dwells on.

It depends on the child and possibly also where you are giving birth.

I didn't have my eldest at younger births even at home but I had friends who did allow this.

Key thing they did was consider the individual child and also have an adult (DGM usually) present whose sole responsibility was the child. ie they would bring the child in at the appropriate moment and remove them as needed and stay with them. They were also very clear with the child that they may have to leave with DGM if asked and if they want to leave they can do so at any time.
This may be easier to organise at home than in a hospital.

No way. After a very straightforward second birth, my 3rd baby was b2b and it was extremely difficult and traumatic, and I was rushed into surgery after the delivery. No child should witness their mum going through that!

I wouldn't. DH brought DC in when I was in labour with DC2 and later DC3. I found it hard having them there and was worried about upsetting them, both times my contractions slowed right down.
I seem to labour more effectively on my own, I even had to ask DH to go home for a bit with DC1&2, with DC 3 I was alone until the last 20 mins. DC4 was born in three contractions but that's another story!

I don’t think there’s a difference between being made to and wanting to, beacause an 8 year old doesn’t know what they’re on about when they ask to watch a birth. 8 year olds ask a lot of stuff, it’s your job as a parent to moderate what they see at what ages and what is appropriate for their levels of understanding.

I don’t think there’s a difference between being made to and wanting to, because an 8 year old doesn’t know what they’re on about when they ask to watch a birth.

This is very well summed up. At 8 children will ask for things that they do not fully comprehend the meaning behind E.g. watching a scary film. Just because this child has asked does not mean they fully understand what they are asking for.

I was at my first birth aged 2 1/2 . I don’t remember it. I saw my brother being born aged 9. I’m really pleased I was there. I wasn’t scared then and I felt really confident when went into labour myself.
I went to an antenatal class with my parents before hand and also saw a video too.
My parents made sure there was someone there who would look after me if I found it too much.

DS1 was there for the birth of his brother. it was a home water birth and we thought we had care covered for him. What we didn't take into account was him just waking up and coming downstairs just before DS2 was born. There was a bit of a kerfuffle with shoulder dystocia so it wasn't quite plain sailing but it was very touching to see him welcoming his somewhat bewildered looking brother. They have always been very close despite the fact that there is nearly a 4 year gap in age, and I put this down in part to his presence at the birth.
A friend of mine had her first child, a daughter, there for the home birth of her DC4, they are also very close.
As a small child I had a friend who was the youngest of 6, all her brothers and sisters had been there to welcome each new arrival and she was quite put out that as the youngest if hadn't happened for her.
So, 3 very positive examples, but maybe better if they arrive at the end if the labour is long, to avoid getting bored?

Why? Just why? Take a look at all the studies of fathers suffering PTSD after witnessing childbirth. Personally I would rather I hadn't had to be present at the births of my DC.

It's a birth not a horror movie!
OP has given birth before and knows how she copes with it.
I presume she will have explained about how some women scream out and that helps her deliver the baby.
You explain it hurts and may look scary. You explain there may be blood but it's natural and all necessary to giving birth.
Ultimately it's a positive experience and the result is a baby!
Children don't need everything hidden from them and be over protected.
I think many people underestimate a child's ability to deal with stuff like this.
Is it better to let children grow up with no idea what birth looks like?
We hide death from them, and birth, and even seeing people being upset.

If this child has said they want to be there and OP has assessed their ability to cope, then only she can decide whether to go ahead.

I don't understand why you would want to do this, or why you would think it is 'a wonderful thing to do'.

Let her go and have a nice day with her grandparents/aunts and uncles/friends/whatever your other kids are doing.

It is not something that a child needs to see.

I think 8 is fine. I'd see if you can find some episodes of the Homebirth Diaries which are really good and get her to watch those first. They might be on YouTube. Good luck.

I was the birth partner for my friend's home birth precisely so that her husband could take out their six year old if needed. He was intermittently fascinated, but as birth tends to take quite a while, also did a fair bit of pottering about, watching TV and playing with his Lego. He cut the umbilical cord and was the first to hold his baby brother. Honestly, I think at that age, the category of 'adults are weird' encompasses virtually anything.

I wouldn't have a problem with it.