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AIBU?

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Original poster

Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

292 replies

hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:07

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

OP posts:
BackinTimeforTea · 03/09/2018 10:46

yeah my DH found the birth of both children quite traumatic, neither was very straightforward though. 100% agree to the point of not knowing what you're signing up for.

Notasunnybunny · 03/09/2018 10:49

Mine knew and understood just fine, not all kids develop in the same way or at the same pace. Interestingly the midwives I spoke to had no concerns with children in the room what so ever. They really made an effort to include him, we delayed cord clamping and the midwife put ds ‘in charge’ of monitoring the pulse of the placenta and letting her know once it stoped, he even had a good look/touch of the placenta and felt the weight of it. I’d say that my ds was slightly better at coping with it all than dh, ds is just naturally more matter of fact about things like me. They kept each other supported in some ways.
Ds brought a hand held games console for use during the most boring mum begging to die bits, even whilst mums was being loaded into an ambulance he remembered the important stuff!

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 03/09/2018 10:53

No.

Beingginger · 03/09/2018 10:54

Dd was around for the birth of both her siblings she was 2 and 3 at the time.
For ds1 she fell asleep in the end and we put her to bed and she slept through it all, and ds2 she sat in the kitchen with ds1 and grandma having her breakfast. She was allowed to come in and out of the living room to see me, but for the pushing bit she was too busy eating (her favourite thing!) was the 1st one to hold him after dh and me.

TomHardysNextWife · 03/09/2018 11:04

It isn't something that a child needs to see. At all.

You can never predict how a labour will go.

Magicpaintbrush · 03/09/2018 11:05

No way would I do this, it sounds crazy to me. Seeing her mum in agony, all the blood and goo - no no no. From an 8 year old's perspective that could be more disturbing than the beautiful memory you are hoping for. Plus what if you're in labour for 30 hours or something?? Very confusing and probably scary for a child that young. Bad idea. Very.

ForgivenessIsDivine · 03/09/2018 11:05

I would second the suggestion that you choose a home birth or doula birth video rather than OBEM. Perhaps having a doula there might be a good idea or a close friend who is willing to perform a similar role.

TheOrigFV45 · 03/09/2018 11:05

What led her to ask to be at the delivery? Is it something you've described or she's seen on telly? How clued up is she on periods and how babies are born in general?

You say she's your oldest, so how much has she been aware of the other births?

I think as long as a I had someone totally dedicated to being with her, I'd be fine with you. You don't want to be worrying about her while you're in labour.

lostlalaloopsy · 03/09/2018 11:08

I think it's a lovely idea. But I would be up front with her about what to expect - you being pain, blood etc.

EthelThePiratesDaughter · 03/09/2018 11:09

OP, this is a divisive issue and I have no children yet so my view might not be all that valuable.

But in previous generations women had huge families with lots of children who were all born at home, without the high standard of medical care we enjoy today and with a much higher risk of the mother or baby dying. Lots of children would have witnessed or even helped with the birth of their younger siblings.

If your child has said they would like to be there, then I think as long as you explain to them about childbirth and what it is like, and make sure that an adult can take them away and look after them if it all gets a bit much, then why not?

Firenight · 03/09/2018 11:10

My 4 year old was around when his sibling was born at home. Mostly he chilled and watched a couple of DVDs through the latter stages. If we had had to transfer in he would have been taken next door. Main planned childcare fell through.

Hotpinkangel19 · 03/09/2018 11:19

Can I just throw in there about 'all her births have been fine, uncomplicated etc?'
My first 3 births were lovely, calm water births, no issues, just gas and air, healthy babies. My 4th baby was TOTALLY different. Not all births follow a pattern.

Heliophilous · 03/09/2018 11:33

I would not do this. I saw my mum in labour when I was 15 and found it quite traumatic. It put me off having children until it was almost too late.

Pissedoffdotcom · 03/09/2018 12:06

As long as she knows you're going to be pre-occupied & probably cursing like hell at some points you're grand. And make sure she can disappear if needs be.

I had a planned homebirth this time & i was much less stressed, less vocal & generally a lot calmer than the first two. My DD got caught up in the chaos of my 2nd, unplanned home, birth - it could easily have been traumatic as hell for her because i was panicking at the fact i was literally alone. She talks about the differences (using what she can remember from her first experience) & wants me to have another baby so she can watch 🙄

Gottagetmoving · 03/09/2018 12:13

She will be present for her mother giving birth, not watching her mother being tortured and executed.
An eight year old can grasp birth, especially if they have parents who are willing to discuss it and educate them. They know we have blood, they know we poo!
If you are uncomfortable with these things or with your children experiencing them, then no one would force you to do this or force a child who doesn't want to see it.
Don't think everyone should be like you.

MisterSafetyCatchIsNotOn · 03/09/2018 12:14

I have done this, DS1 was 5 when his little brother was born at home and really wanted to be there. We talked a lot beforehand and watched lots of YouTube videos of home births (if you google child friendly home birth videos there is a site that recommends the best ones for kids with details of e.g how graphic it is, how vocal the mum is etc so you can start with the most gentle and see how she feels). I also talked in child friendly terms about what could go wrong and what would happen so he was prepared just in case. He was adamant he wanted to be there so he was, MIL was upstairs with DS2 just in case he found it too much, DH or I checked in with him regularly but he was fine. He is really curious generally, especially about bodily functions Grin It was (in a strange way) a relaxed family experience and extra special to see the overwhelming joy on his face when his brother was born, he cut the cord and is still besotted with his little brother. To be fair so is DS2 who was upstairs for the birth but there within 5 minutes to meet the new baby. I would say though it could put some extra stresses on you I.e will you feel inhibited or be worrying if she's ok? Also birth can be slow and kids can get impatient! But if you feel calm and prepared and she is sure it's what she wants then you would certainly not be crazy to do it, good luck!

Purplejay · 03/09/2018 12:14

If she has seen some videos and you think she will be ok then she most likely will be.

I would have no issues with this and would be something I would consider. I had a water birth so much less mess than I expected. There was no screaming/swearing and I just had just gas and air. All fairly quick and straightforward. I did tear and need stitches but in that case DH could take DD out of the way with the new baby. Stitches were far worse than the birth for me!

I do think having another adult around for support would be good and making DD aware she can leave at any point and must do so if asked.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 03/09/2018 12:16

Amused by the "holly fuck NO!" type responses. It's really not that strange for children to see their sibling born outside of this country. There are lots of youtube videos of homebirths you can let her watch to get an idea of what she is going to see. I'd have no issues myself tbh.

MisterSafetyCatchIsNotOn · 03/09/2018 12:17

Oh and I would definitely avoid watching wbem with her, that programme is designed for added drama and usually bears little resemblance to a calm home birth, more likely to create fear of the whole thing whether she is with you or not I think!

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 03/09/2018 12:18

And while of course things can and do go wrong with birth it's mostly very safe and she's probably more likely to see an accident while out driving to school and you still take her in a car for non essential trips that aren't nearly as important as seeing a sibling born.

lightlypoached · 03/09/2018 12:23

my dd aged 3.5 at the time was there for her brothers birth. we spent lots of time preparing her and explaining it all -especially about the pain /noises part-over the months leading up to it.
on the day we made a game of the contractions(really helped) and had my best mate on standby to take here away if needed.
it was - for all of us - the most magical, incredible, emotional moment that has bonded us together.

she remembers it clearly and feels honoured that she was there right at the start of his life.
its not for everyone but we loved it. amazing [Smile]

Squamish · 03/09/2018 12:32

I am assuming all of those saying yes have had straightforward deliveries. It can be quite shocking even for an adult. I did not have a straightforward labour despite being low risk and I remember begging my husband for help to take away the pain, prior to bleeding (a lot). No child should have to witness something like that

NutElla5x · 03/09/2018 12:34

Terrible idea.You have no idea how the birth will go, and seeing her mother in so much pain could scar her for life.Why not video tape the birth, so that you can show her an edited version that is suitable for her young brain to cope with?

sexnotgender · 03/09/2018 12:37

Absolutely not.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 03/09/2018 12:42

All those saying that the OP has no idea how the labour will go are missing the point that if it doesn't go to plan then the adult looking after her will keep her out of the room and that she will only be allowed in if everything is plain sailing.