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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Allowing 8 year old to see birth of her baby sibling?

292 replies

hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 09:07

I'm pregnant and my eldest DC has expressed that she would like to be there for the delivery.

All my previous deliveries have been straightforward, and I have coped well with the pain.

This time I'm planning a home birth, and the midwives are not opposed to her being there. They have said it is up to us.

This is definitely our last baby too, so her last chance to see a sibling being born.

I'm not sure if the idea is entirely crazy, or a wonderful thing to do.

Aibu to let her see the birth? As it is a home birth she can go to her room and read if she finds it too much.

OP posts:
BackinTimeforTea · 03/09/2018 12:44

3.5 is possibly too young to really understand what's going on, whereas 8 is tricky as you have some, but not full, understanding.

As for it being normal to see your female relatives in pain in countries with no decent medical care or in days gone by, yes, but there are some pretty good reasons why this is not the standard in Britain in the 21st century.

PersianCatLady · 03/09/2018 12:50

She is 8 not 18.

I think it is an awful idea but it isn't my decision.

AveAtqueVale · 03/09/2018 12:56

I would absolutely do it as long as there is a backup and a sensible adult to take her out of the way of either she (or you) wants her out of the room. I’ve been at lots of births including ones that evolved into emergencies and I don’t think any of them would have traumatised a sensible 8-year-old who wanted to be there and who had a dedicated adult who could talk her through anything unexpected happening.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 03/09/2018 13:00

I am assuming all of those saying yes have had straightforward deliveries

You are assuming wrong.

IDontEatFriedTurtle · 03/09/2018 13:02

As for it being normal to see your female relatives in pain in countries with no decent medical care or in days gone by, yes, but there are some pretty good reasons why this is not the standard in Britain in the 21st century.

Yes, Britain knows best.

Our grandfathers not watching their children be born because it wasn't appropriate was probably for a good reason too.

toothtruth · 03/09/2018 13:14

I planned to have my 3yo son around at my homebirth. I wasnt going to make him watch and his grandad would have been there to play with him upstairs... but I was not against him coming in to watch if he felt like it.
Sadly I ended up having to have my baby in hospital because of some complications picked up at a scan.
But I think as long as your child knows they can leave if it gets too much for them and that there is another adult there to supervise them then its fine. Things can go wrong but its very rare in a home birth that that would actually happen at home... the midwives will err on the side of caution and if they suspect there is any problem at all you will be transferred to hospital immediately... they wont chance it with anything they dont think they can handle. And anyone who has been happily supported to have a home birth will have been deemed low risk and will have given birth before at least once.
I actually think its a very good thing for other children to be a part of.
People are so distant from the process of giving birth now that I think it really ramps up the fear.... When I had my first I had literally no idea what would happen and I was terrified. I had no siblings and not been around anyone pregnant. I wish it had been more normal to me and I would have been less terrified. So I think if a young daughter wants to and asks to be there at the birth that should be facilitated as long as everything is low risk because its actually really beneficial.

ShovingLeopard · 03/09/2018 13:14

I would not do this. I saw my mum in labour when I was 15 and found it quite traumatic. It put me off having children until it was almost too late.

I come into contact with women with Tokophobia through my work, and, in my experience, this is quite a common story.

GeorgeTheHippo · 03/09/2018 13:21

If you do, make it clear that she can stay as long as the midwife lets her, and she might not be able to be there for all of it. (As well, obviously, as that there will be someone in another room that she can go to if she prefers).

GorgonLondon · 03/09/2018 13:22

She will be present for her mother giving birth, not watching her mother being tortured and executed.

Well, unless you consider that torture is 'being put through a huge amount of physical pain beyond your control', and assuming that you're not one of the 1/6,900 women in the UK who'll die in childbirth.

kw1091 · 03/09/2018 13:25

Do it! It’s the most incredible experience! I would have someone else in the house as well (maybe a grandparent) just in case she isn’t enjoying it. I’m a student Midwife and I wish I had got to see beautiful births before I started working at the hospital

habibihabibi · 03/09/2018 13:29

I didn't even want to be at my own children's births let alone see anyone else's.

Lisabel · 03/09/2018 13:31

Won't she hate seeing you in pain? If she is going to see it then maybe just the last few pushes?

AveAtqueVale · 03/09/2018 13:36

I am assuming all of those saying yes have had straightforward deliveries

Not exactly...

peachypetite · 03/09/2018 13:36

What is there to gain from this? I don't get it.

Original poster
hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 14:47

peachy it is has the potential to be a wonderful experience for her. I wouldn't consider allowing her to be there unless I thought it would be beneficial.

I haven't made a decision yet, all the opinions are much appreciated. I'll try with some YouTube videos which I will watch first to check suitability, and take it from there. This baby may well arrive while she is at school anyway, though she would love to miss school to watch the birth!

OP posts:
Gottagetmoving · 03/09/2018 14:53

Well, unless you consider that torture is 'being put through a huge amount of physical pain beyond your control', and assuming that you're not one of the 1/6,900 women in the UK who'll die in childbirth

Women are not 'put through a huge amount of physical pain' when giving birth. Women tolerate pain in different ways and do get pain relief.
I think women in this country are not prepared for child birth properly. There is too much fear that makes pain even worse.
I don't think the attitude of ' Its too scary for children' helps matters.
I'm not for children seeing unnecessary violence but childbirth is a natural process. WE put the fear into children more than the event would!

Original poster
hibbledibble · 03/09/2018 14:57

gotta I agree with you. People think nothing of children watching and playing violent video games, but seem squeamish about childbirth.

I don't find labour very painful. I don't say that to be smug, just to get my point across that I don't think it would be very traumatic. I walked through contractions into hospital for my last delivery while fully dilated, having had no pain relief. I have never screamed in labour. All my daughter would be likely to see is some panting and then puffing on gas and air. She may find it quite boring!

OP posts:
ittakes2 · 03/09/2018 14:59

watch some birthing videos with her and see how she reacts to them

stargirl1701 · 03/09/2018 15:04

My DH certainly found labour quite boring both times!

Somersetlady · 03/09/2018 15:18

You are very lucky to have had such straightforward births.

As someone thats had 2 sections and a hemoerage that led to the death of a baby I would advise against this just in case this birth is not so straight forward.

my husband and I were traumatised i can not imagine what effect a bad experience on a small child.

Best of luck with a safe delivery!

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 03/09/2018 16:30

I have had 3 children, and I was happy to have my elder two (then 6 and 3) around me until the later stages of labour. But at the point of giving birth I needed my full attention on the child I was birthing, not the ones I had already.

Witchend · 03/09/2018 16:49

Problem is that say she's fine at first. But then she's not.
She's got to tell you or someone she's not fine. Maybe I'm off but by the time I know I'm not fine, it's some way into being not fine.
Then there will be the time to get up the courage to say she isn't fine.
Then someone, possibly your DH has to take her out. He may miss the birth of the baby while doing that.
By this point she's probably getting upset. So you're sending her out, upset, probably worried about you.

I've also had a couple of friends who have had to have an emergency transfer in the middle of a home birth. One of them they set off not knowing whether mother or baby would survive.

Thing is that it may be fine.
But if it isn't she could be very traumatised.

For my children I wouldn't have taken the risk.

JacNaylor · 03/09/2018 17:55

I'd say yes as long as you have a really good plan of action for her. Watch birth videos before hand and talk about what she might see and how it would make her feel to see you in pain etc.
Then, if she still want to, have a dedicated adult to talk her through it and remove her at the first sign of problems with you and the baby or distress to her.
It could be a lovely experience for her if it's handled carefully.

KC225 · 03/09/2018 18:04

No. No. And hell NO

giveitfive · 03/09/2018 18:11

What an incredible experience. I think at 8 she is old enough to process it. You have a track record of uncomplicated births and you have people On hand to help out if things get a bit heated.

I hated that my eldest was kept away because I had a traumatic second delivery in hospital so the brothers didn't get to meet until some time later.

I think it sounds awesome and you should totally do it.

Good luck. I hope it's a beautiful delivery.

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