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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is useless at the most basic task?

213 replies

Beaubeagle · 02/09/2018 23:27

Not feeling great earlier so DH offered to go to the supermarket for a few bits we needed. I wrote a very detailed list:

Ham (naice)
Carrots x2 bags
Sausages (at least 18 thick)
Cheap birthday card

DH then rang from the supermarket to check what kind of ham he should buy (I buy the same ham weekly and always have.....) so I described, in detail, the honey roast ham in the black packet.

DH came home with the following:

Cheap, nasty ham in a clear packet
A tiny packet of carrot batons (there are 7 of us at home this weekend for dinner)
2 packets of 8 sausages
A birthday card that cost £3!

Wibu to LTB? He’s bloody hopeless! (I do love him lots though).

OP posts:
Lisabel · 03/09/2018 14:19

No DP at the moment but my Dad is the same. My Mum was unwell for a bit when I was 11 and would send me to get stuff rather than letting my Dad go shopping and buy all the wrong things.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 14:22

No. That's not right either. We all have jobs we don't like but as fully functioning adults we need to learn how to take responsibility

But why? It doesn't make sense to say that both halves of a lifelong couple have to do everything equally as well as each other, and have to do jobs they have no interest in and the other one does.
I take loads of responsibility, as does he, assigning jobs to each other in a way that suits us has nothing to do with any lack of responsibility.

I do flatpack furniture and DIY, thats one of my responsibilities. OH is unbelievably useless at it, expecting him to do it would help nobody and would be downright dangerous. Similarly I am so bad at laundry that I dye, shrink, destroy or grey all of our clothes. He does it all.
Neither of us are lacking in responsibilty, we're sharing it.

JessieMcJessie · 03/09/2018 14:32

Did he not know about the guests coming at the weekend? I bet if he was sitting at the table and you served up a dish the size of the carrot batons he bought, he’d instantly think “oh, that’s not enough for 8 people”. What on Earth happened in his brain to make him think it was sufficient in the supermarket?

The cheap birthday card I can forgive, I’m not sure many people have a detailed idea of how much cards cost, and there are a lot which are much more than 3 quid.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 14:43

You completely mis- understand @thewinter
Of course we all have strengths and we play to those but what most of us are talking about here is the unwillingness to do things that we either don't like or aren't great at.

You say you aren't great at laundry. Does that mean you never touch a washing machine? What if your DH goes away? Or for whatever reason you find yourself single? You might not do these jobs regularly but its important that you at least know how. Otherwise we end up in situations where one partner batch cooks before going away because the other can't (won't) cook or in this situation the OPs husband being unable to work out how many carrots you will need for 8 people.

I do most of the cooking in our house at the moment as i work from home a lot and really like it. That means I generally do the food shop too. I was away for a week recently and DH managed to shop and cook for himself and DS without instructions.....as it should be!

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 14:51

You completely mis- understand @thewinter of course we all have strengths and we play to those but what most of us are talking about here is the unwillingness to do things that we either don't like or aren't great at

I don't think I did misunderstand, my point was that it is ok to be unwilling to do things we don't like or aren't great at, when you are an effective partnership with someone who is willing and/or able to do it.
I know how in theory to do laundry, but I don't know why I seem to turn everything to rags while he manages nice clean clothes. I'm a laundry idiot. It suits us all much better that I don't do it because we have to buy less clothes!
If I found myself single it would be because I was widowed and I think I wouldn't care at all what my clothes looked like. I'd probably send them to a laundry.

LakieLady · 03/09/2018 15:15

He suggested I write down instructions for future reference, or even make a YouTube video!

You should do it! It would be really funny, and you could send the link to all his friends. And family. And, if you wanted to be really mean, his boss.

We could have a whole series. I could do one explaining to DP how to pull the shower curtain across so that we don't get water coming through the kitchen ceiling.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 15:15

It's amazing how often the things men are good at happen once a week- like the bins, or once a year- putting up a shelf or a picture- or once a blue moon - like changing a wheel, while the things women are good at happen three times a day, like feeding people, or once a day, like getting kids up and dressed, or once a week, like food shopping.......

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 15:18

It's amazing how often the things men are good at happen once a week- like the bins, or once a year- putting up a shelf or a picture- or once a blue moon - like changing a wheel, while the things women are good at happen three times a day, like feeding people, or once a day, like getting kids up and dressed, or once a week, like food shopping

Is it? Who said so? I'm the one who puts up the shelves, he's the one doing all the laundry for a family of 7.
Bit of a sweeping generalisation, isn't it?

NewGrandad · 03/09/2018 15:19

My wife sent me for a 2L carton of milk and said "If they've got eggs get 6."

I couldn't work out why she was upset when I came home with 6 cartons of milk!

I'll get me coat.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 15:29

@winter so what would you do if your DH was sick? In hospital for a while? Or if he went away? Could you do the laundry then? Or what if your DH had a lot on and just needed you to pick up the slack for a week or two? Would you just sit there and refuse to wash clothes?

I'm sorry but a preference towards jobs and responsibilities is fine an unwillingness is not. I'd suggest that's not how partnerships work?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 03/09/2018 15:31

He suggested I write down instructions for future reference, or even make a YouTube video!

I'm seriously considering it, apart from the fact that I hate seeing myself on photo or film.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 15:34

It hasn't happened. If he's going away he does extra laundry before he goes. If he has a lot on he still needs to do his responsibilities at home (I thought the whole point of the thread was that wifey isn't meant to do everything for the man?), same as I do.
I would refuse to wash clothes if he was around to do it, yes. But he wouldn't ask me to. It's his job, I have plenty of my own.

I'm sorry but a preference towards jobs and responsibilities is fine an unwillingness is not. I'd suggest that's not how partnerships work?

Its how mine and I bet many work. Clear area of responsibility, everyone pulling their weight, no-one having to do all the work and working it out so no-one is too unhappy with their workload.
In fact I'd say thats the gold standard of how partnerships should work, and a great many on MN would be better off if they did the same!

nornironrock · 03/09/2018 15:41

I would suggest to all those engaged in the man-bashing, you may have found the wrong man.

I'm not perfect, but I do most of the household stuff in our house, am perfectly capable of selecting ham, and wouldn't let my wife anywhere near an iron.

But then, we each do what we have time to do - so that we have more time to spend on the stuff we actually enjoy.

It's not a difficult concept.

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/09/2018 15:57

JellyBaby DH and I both add to the shopping list. Hmm

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 15:58

@thewinter well that not how my house works.
Your DH doing extra laundry before he goes away is just as bad as the women who batch cook and iron their husbands shirts before they have a few days away because their husbands are incapable.

Of course this post is all about wives not doing all the domestic task but you're either willfully misunderstanding or you live in a different reality to the rest of us.
Sometimes a person may have a lot on their plate and as a loving partner the kind thing to do is pick up the slack and help each other out....providing you know it will be reciprocated.

For example, my DH is in the final throws of his PhD and he works full time in a stressful job. I'm an academic so can work from home during the summer and have generous annual leave. As DH is under an enormous amount of stress I'm doing more than my fair share of household and childcare responsibilities. I know full well that when term starts the roles will be reversed as my timetable is so busy between October and December I barely have time to think.
Neither of us is taking the piss but it means DH has had the summer to write and I'll have the support I need when I'm back teaching. That wouldn't work if one of us refused to learn how to use a washing machine .

As an aside, even with me picking up more chores than usual DH still does more than most if this thread is anything to go by.

TheWinterofOurDiscountTentsMk2 · 03/09/2018 16:12

well that not how my house works

Good for you. I wouldn't tell you how to do your house, so why are you telling everyone else that they have to act like you?
.
Your DH doing extra laundry before he goes away is just as bad as the women who batch cook and iron their husbands shirts before they have a few days away because their husbands are incapable

That may be your opinion, but we don't agree, and since we are the people affected, I'm pretty sure our opinions are the only ones that matter.

Of course this post is all about wives not doing all the domestic task but you're either willfully misunderstanding or you live in a different reality to the rest of us.

Well you appear to be insisting that I HAVE to do everything my husband does and that I am somehow unfair to him if I don't do his jobs for him when he's busy, so I'm very glad I live in a different reality to you. I wonder why you think you can speak for everyone else though?

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/09/2018 16:12

Bertrand no one can make his memory any better. The damage has already been done. Why would he know what school year his DC are in? He would if he knew how school years worked, but he doesn't have a clue, and doesn't need to. I don't need to know how to look after a housing estate (his job), and I don't.

I have a shit memory. I only remember to do everything every day because I do it in order. I don't have room to remember things I don't need to.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 16:29

I'm not saying you have to but I don't think it's acceptable to refuse to perform a chore just because you aren't very good at it or don't like it. Which was in response to a question you asked me.

Your refusal to do laundry ( and that's what you've said) is just as bad as numerous posts we've all seen on here where women are saying that their husbands refuse to cook, iron etc because they claim to be not very good at it.

It makes sense to allocate responsibilites but to never, ever deviate from those allocated jobs is odd. Pretty much every adult I know picks up the slack when their partner goes away, is busy etc and that's regardless of gender. For me, that's what partnership is about.

Btw laundry is not that difficult. My 10 year old nephew does his own without incident.

diddl · 03/09/2018 16:31

"He’s bloody hopeless! (I do love him lots though)."

That's the thing isn't it?

Someone will always love these men!

AnnieAnoniMoose · 03/09/2018 16:43

We need to know if you sent him back or just dished up what he bought...he’d have been very hungry if he’d done that here!

I honestly couldn’t stand living with such an incompetent twat. It’s one thing to not know exactly what to buy if you’re not the one regularly shopping or cooking, it’s quite another not being able to follow a clear set of instructions.

How’s he not under the patio?!

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 16:46

" Why would he know what school year his DC are in?"

Because they are his children?

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/09/2018 16:47

toomuch I need a diagram of how to cut ham. 😂

BlingLoving · 03/09/2018 16:52

I don't find this funny. It's sad. He has so little respect for the effort you are making to feed the family and can't be bothered. The ham I could almost understand, but not buying the right number of sausages is appalling.

I asked Dh to buy a bottle of wine when he popped out to get some snacks for him and DS before a movie the other night. He forgot. I said it didn't matter. He insisted on going back because his point was that I'd asked him, he'd said he would, and he didn't so he was an idiot and needed to fix it....

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/09/2018 16:55

But he doesn't need to know Bertrand. DD walks to school on her own now, he's left for work 2 hours before DS2 and I leave for school.

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 16:59

@philomena I find it really sad that your child's dad doesn't know what school year they are in. It doesn't matter that he doesn't drop her off...it's about so much more than that.

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