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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my DH is useless at the most basic task?

213 replies

Beaubeagle · 02/09/2018 23:27

Not feeling great earlier so DH offered to go to the supermarket for a few bits we needed. I wrote a very detailed list:

Ham (naice)
Carrots x2 bags
Sausages (at least 18 thick)
Cheap birthday card

DH then rang from the supermarket to check what kind of ham he should buy (I buy the same ham weekly and always have.....) so I described, in detail, the honey roast ham in the black packet.

DH came home with the following:

Cheap, nasty ham in a clear packet
A tiny packet of carrot batons (there are 7 of us at home this weekend for dinner)
2 packets of 8 sausages
A birthday card that cost £3!

Wibu to LTB? He’s bloody hopeless! (I do love him lots though).

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 07:53

Only form adult relationships with other adults.

And ffs stop enabling this shit.

sofato5miles · 03/09/2018 07:54

Hah, only and there

LeftRightCentre · 03/09/2018 07:55

I never find these types of threads funny. What Silvery and so many others said. Could never love lots a person who can't behave like an adult.

']My DH has a tendency to buy or cook things that he likes and fotget about what the rest of the family enjoys...I don't think it's deliberate, he just doesn't think. angry'

Would he do similar to his boss and work colleagues or friends? If not, then it's deliberate. It's 'Fuck you all! If I had to do women's work, it'll be shit because I shouldn't have to'.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 08:05

And then all the helpful suggestions to tactfully teach him how to do it, the discussions about how this is what men are like, the sharing experiences of male crapness, the blaming of his mum (never his dad!) and all the while the next generation are learning by observation that this is how relationships work - 50:50 means women do all the cooking, cleaning and planning and men take the bins out and put up shelves. Oh, and occasionally cook a meal, but “use every kitchen utensil and leave such a mess it’s easier to do it myself”

speakout · 03/09/2018 08:10

I agree with the previous posters.

It's all very pathetic.

I prefer my partners to be grown up adults.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 08:15

Why would you want to be with someone who can’t look after his family properly? And that means being able to cook and clean and generally run a household.

cdtaylornats · 03/09/2018 08:18

The ham is obvious just continue the cut, turn one bit through 90 degrees and you have a sandwich shaped piece.

LakieLady · 03/09/2018 08:21

DP is fine at cooking and shopping, but shite at clearing up and putting shopping away.

He went shopping on Saturday, and on Sunday morning I found a packet of melted Magnums on worktop. He'd taken them out of the freezer to cram something else in, and omitted to put them back.

He did look slightly concerned when I told him that the penalty for destroying Magnums by negligence was death, and took me out for a boozy lunch.

LeftRightCentre · 03/09/2018 08:22

Exactly, Bertrand.

CoffeeWithMyOxygen · 03/09/2018 08:27

These types of thread are always a bit depressing - why do so many women find it funny or endearing that their husbands see food shopping as some mysterious feminine task? DH frequently does our food shop, I don’t see this as impressive - he eats as much as I do!

As to the poster who said it was like a woman getting the wrong things in B&Q, that says it all about our society’s worrying gender stereotypes. I quite frequently go to DIY shops for various things, have yet to buy the wrong thing. Because I also live in this house, so have a vested interest in keeping it nice.

Why do we act as if you need a penis or vagina to accomplish a certain type of shopping? It’s mad.

Believeitornot · 03/09/2018 08:31

My DH does the weekly food shop and without fail will make a mistake at least every other week. He’s getting better - because I tell him that it’s thoughtless not to remember that his own daughter doesn’t and never has liked certain foods or that I’ve told him before that I need certain things etc etc. So if he doesn’t remember things that’s because he hasn’t listened to me. I’ve told him off so many times that he upsets me by not listening as it’s disrespectful.
He’s getting better but every now and then he slips up. Sometimes it’s a mistake, but other times it’s because his head is elsewhere.

ScrambledSmegs · 03/09/2018 08:31

Jeepers. My DH offered to go to the supermarket yesterday to get a few items we needed. He got everything on the list we'd made together, called me to make sure we hadn't forgotten anything and then went to Boots to pick up the sanitary towels I prefer.

Getting everything wrong is not a man thing. It's a 'not giving a shit' thing.

FrangipaniBlue · 03/09/2018 08:38

FML I don't know what's worse the poor menz who are incapable or the ones who who have been "taught well" by their wives Confused

We are certainly being dragged from the 1950s kicking and screaming aren't we?

Oh and what @BertrandRussell said!!

speakout · 03/09/2018 08:40

Believeitornot

Your post is a prime example of what bertrand and others are saying.

This whole idea of "not listening" and "getting better" is pathetic.

I wouldn't dream of "sending" my OH shopping or writing him a list.
He is an adult.
He can work out what we need, decide what to cook, know everyone's likes.
He doesn't need me to instruct him.

maxthemartian · 03/09/2018 08:41

Getting everything wrong is not a man thing. It's a 'not giving a shit' thing.

This x 1000

I find it depressing how many women just put up with this. It's not cute or funny.

lottiegarbanzo · 03/09/2018 08:42

Does nobody else think 'is this someone who could care for me if I was ill / care for the family if I died?' when forming relationships, or before having children? If you get together very young it may be more about attitude - kindness, responsibility, respect - than possessing a full set of skills. Pretty basic requirements though.

I do understand the specialisation of tasks, especially in relationships that started young. But having to care for each other, or survive alone in later life are real expectations for almost everyone. It's the capable people who get to spend their old age in their own homes. Worth a thought.

In this case OP, he went back and rectified his mistake, didn't he.

GreenRut · 03/09/2018 08:47

ketchup that is brilliant. Grin

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 03/09/2018 08:49

I'm guessing you usually do everything for him . Time to put a stop to that maybe?

Cath2907 · 03/09/2018 08:59

That sounds very much like a case of "if I do this badly enough she won't ask me again!"

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 09:09

It is quite likely that I would be unsure about what to buy from B&Q. So I would ask. Write it down. Make sure I bought the right thing. I would not just buy random stuff.
And if for some reason we needed the same things from B&Q every week, I would always get it right. Because I am an adult human being.

Believeitornot · 03/09/2018 09:10

This whole idea of "not listening" and "getting better" is pathetic

I absolutely agree - but calling me pathetic (if it’s aimed at me) isn’t really helping.

My dh knows full well that I find it beyond fucking ridiculous that he doesn’t listen. He knows I find it disrespectful- it’s a constant argument.

However one of us will have to take charge of making sure the family is fed and, with a stressful job, I’m going to do it because I cant be doing with the pain of leaving it to dh and him fucking it up.

Every partnership will have one person taking the lead in some things and others taking the lead in others.

As it is I’m getting fed up of dh’s ways - which have come about because he was molly coddled as a child. His mum was a typical housewife and did everything.

I on the other hand, came from a single parent household so the idea of traditional (sexist) men/women jobs is alien to me. In fact I pretty much can do most things but I deliberately leave dh to do some as I don’t want to do it all.

It doesn’t work for me or DH having shared responsibility for things like meal planning or shopping - at work I don’t share responsibility for specific tasks.....

Anyway, no one is perfect and I bet what seem perfect relationships to some, are not to others.

The most important thing is to make your voice known, communicate with your partner and actually try and make changes.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 09:28

“As it is I’m getting fed up of dh’s ways - which have come about because he was molly coddled as a child. His mum was a typical housewife and did everything.”

So it’s his mother’s responsibility that he’s the way he is, and your responsibility to change him. Right.

SugarandVinegar · 03/09/2018 09:33

MirriVan Grin Grin

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/09/2018 09:36

Pacman ham 😂

PhilomenaButterfly · 03/09/2018 09:45

DH would not be able to follow my shopping list. I was very impressed that he didn't ring me to check anything when I sent him to get uniform! He doesn't have a clue about sizes, and actually checked with me before he went that DD still needed primary school uniform! Well yes, unless she's a year older than we actually thought! We don't even know which secondary school she'll get into yet! 😂