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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

300 replies

upsideup · 02/09/2018 20:57

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

OP posts:
Pissedoffdotcom · 02/09/2018 23:48

you can sit here & watch instead
And get steamrolled by other skaters...

Logits · 02/09/2018 23:53

@luciadilammamor

The OP stated quite clearly that he didn't send her to the car to text her mum. He sent her to the car because it's safer and probably more comfortable than sitting amongst the skaters.

donquixotedelamancha · 02/09/2018 23:55

I tend to favour Bertrand's reply as well. I think that DH should send it, but otherwise I would not highlight the 'moaning to the other half' nature of her text.

Well, he's an officious, bullying prick, isn't he?

I'm struggling for words. I just can't grasp this mind set at all. If someone is kind enough to look after my kids, especially for a treat, I support any reasonable judgement they make. I certainly wouldn't think they have to bend over backwards to persuade and cajole them out of a strop.

'Skateboarding coach'? FFS. Kids teach themselves to skateboard. I assume that he's got some really dull day job

Most amature sports coaches are part time. Is this really a new word to you?

and so calling himself a skateboarding coach is a way to make himself look cool.

Your threshold for looking cool is odd. I think it's unlikely people doff caps and say 'wow there goes the skateboard coach'. Don't go to your local football pitch on a saturday morning, you'll have a fit.

luciadilammamor · 02/09/2018 23:56

Logits Apologies. It is late here and I probably did not read properly. Seems like the DH probably had no other option then.

C8H10N4O2 · 02/09/2018 23:56

Your DH did exactly the right thing and I'd use Bert's reply rather than your own, OP, as you have absolutely nothing to feel apologetic for.

If your DD had refused to wear basic safety gear and then complained about not participating in an activity what would you say to her?

incywincybitofa · 02/09/2018 23:59

I agree sitting and watching isn't a safe option at our skate park.
I think the OPs DH was in a difficult position with what sounds like a difficult child and mother.
We don't know the tone used in the exchange. We just know it didn't end in the girl's favour.

zwellers · 02/09/2018 23:59

Italiangreyhound showing off because he wanted her to wear safety gear. Really!. You might as well say he wrong just because because he is male.

Hertha · 03/09/2018 00:04

On the info provided; DP was 100% in the right in all respects.

MissLingoss · 03/09/2018 00:06

But as the host, I think the onus is on you to bend to your guests for the most part

What about the other friend, who was also a guest, and who was doing as she had been asked? Doesn't she get any consideration?

Hertha · 03/09/2018 00:08

Well, he's an officious, bullying prick, isn't he? 'Skateboarding coach'? FFS. Kids teach themselves to skateboard. I assume that he's got some really dull day job and so calling himself a skateboarding coach is a way to make himself look cool.
I see what you’re saying, but have you ever stopped to consider the possibility that you might be an unpleasant idiot?

EK36 · 03/09/2018 00:10

I think he did the right thing. He was responsible for their safety. He did not want the kids to come to any harm especially one that could have been avoided. If it was my child then I would be glad, that missing out taught her a valuable lesson. Follow the safety rules or miss out! I would have done the same.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/09/2018 00:15

he you was showing off in a way, and that is pretty sad. He backed her into a corner about the safety equipment. He doesn't seem to understand children that age.

I have a lot of experience managing kids that age and I don't think removing her from the immediate situation is a bad strategy at all. Generally it avoids the child having chance to dig in. Most kids come round after 10 minutes.

Depending on how she was behaving I might have sat her at the side instead, but we weren't there. I might have tried to talk her round. I would probably have tried ringing mum; but he has no obligation to do this stuff and not everyone has loads of experience with poor behaviour.

A kid who's willing to sulk in a car for an hour rather than follow basic instructions and who phones mum expecting her to countermand the adult she's with is not an easy thing to manage. I suspect he gave the girl a valuable lesson that she's not received enough.

Italiangreyhound · 03/09/2018 00:23

donquixotedelamancha

"Depending on how she was behaving I might have sat her at the side instead, but we weren't there. I might have tried to talk her round. I would probably have tried ringing mum; but he has no obligation to do this stuff and not everyone has loads of experience with poor behaviour."

The 'no obligation' seems to be equating this to some sort of coaching situation where parents have paid for a service.

When parenting or caring for others' kids temporarily/being in charge of other people's kids it is not the same.

We all know entertaining other people's kids is not like a business transaction. If things 'go wrong' or kids act up we try to settle the issue and make the best of it.

Because this is not a work situation, it's a friendship one.

He was absolutely right to not allow her to do the activity without the equipment but I think it was badly handled.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 03/09/2018 00:28

DH wasn’t unreasonable at all. If she was one of mine she’d have got told in no uncertain terms to stop the crocodile tears and take responsibility for her own choices. Then I’d call or text you apologising for her acting like that after you’d been so kind to take her.

I’ve changed you reply a bit.

DH did the right thing not allowing her to skate without protective gear. DH has witnessed horrific injuries from skateboarding accidents and will not take that risk with a child in his care. I have no idea why DD is upset? It was her choice not to wear the safety gear & join in with the others

CherryCherryCherry · 03/09/2018 00:30

He was totally right-he was en loco parentis and so was responsible for her safety. Good for him. I really respect that he stood his ground. OP-you have a good ' un there. Wish more parents were like this.

donquixotedelamancha · 03/09/2018 00:32

The 'no obligation' seems to be equating this to some sort of coaching situation where parents have paid for a service

What I meant was that there is not one right way of doing things. People have very different levels of experience and different manners with children.

I don't think you can conclude it was poorly handled without being there.

Even if a more experienced person could have brought her round, that doesn't mean DH was showing off.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/09/2018 00:36

I still can't believe that 'skateboarding coach' is actually a fucking thing. When do kids get to play or show any initiative without self-important adults butting in?

NC4Now · 03/09/2018 00:41

My son’s a skater and has had some pretty bad injuries. He gets really frustrated with inexperienced skaters who won’t follow the rules/etiquette because it’s dangerous for them and the other skaters who fall over or crash into them.
If DDs friend didn’t want to wear the gear then DH is reasonable in saying she can’t take part. The others did. Her mum should have backed DH up.

thebewilderness · 03/09/2018 00:42

Yes he should apologize. If a man has rules that the children have to obey if they want to use his boards he needs to tell them up front instead of waiting until they are at the park and gearing up to say do it my way or go sit in the car.

Italiangreyhound · 03/09/2018 00:44

"I don't think you can conclude it was poorly handled without being there. "

The whole of Mumsnet is discussing things we were not present for! So of course I'm just basing it on my opinion. Which may be wrong, of course.

MissLingoss · 03/09/2018 00:45

I still can't believe that 'skateboarding coach' is actually a fucking thing. When do kids get to play or show any initiative without self-important adults butting in?

'Football coach' is 'a fucking thing'. Children still get to play football without adults butting in. Same with swimming and many other activities.

Skateboarding is going to be included in the next Olympics. How will potential competitors improve and develop their skills without coaching?

LellyMcKelly · 03/09/2018 00:47

Nope. He’s the adult in charge. His rules.

Pawpatrolsucks · 03/09/2018 00:48

He did the right thing. If her parents can't understand that then it's best not to ask her to go with them again.

ReanimatedSGB · 03/09/2018 00:49

This reply has been deleted

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HannahnotAgnes · 03/09/2018 00:50

Why would she not wear the safety gear?

From the info you provided, I think your DH sounds perfectly reasonable & she seems very spoilt!

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