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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

300 replies

upsideup · 02/09/2018 20:57

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

OP posts:
User878929333 · 02/09/2018 21:13

Did he say why he sent her to the car? Was it because she was trying to defy him by not wearing the stuff and he was irritated by her behaviour (i.e. was it a kind of ‘naughty step’?)

He was of course right not to let her join in if she wouldn’t follow his rules. But it does seem unnecessary to make her sit alone away from the others. It sounds very much like a punishment.

Armadillostoes · 02/09/2018 21:13

I don't think that your DH was being unreasonable in any way. It's also a bit worrying that an 11 year old would think it was appropriate to argue with an adult about wearing safety equipment for a sporting activity. There may be underlying reasons, but it would make me concerned that she wouldn't follow instructions in general, in circumstances where it might be dangerous. Your DH was right to put keeping her safe over making her happy in the short term.

ohhelloitsyou · 02/09/2018 21:13

The mum didn't need to give permission. She wasn't there supervising them and she shouldn't have undermined him asking her DD to wear the correct equipment to protect her DD.

I'd be furious with the mum and the girl just for that. If something did happen I bet the mum would have been the first to complain and claim he had a duty to protect her. Then what happens to his business?
I'd message back saying unfortunately your DD was adamant she didn't want to wear the correct PPE so he couldn't let her take part as she was at risk of injury. Had she just behaved and wore what she was asked to then she would have been able to take part. This is entirely on the girl and partly her mum for encouraging her attitude.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 02/09/2018 21:14

DD's friend sounds like a brat. Her parents sound like precious snowflake parents. How dare they pull him up because he wanted their DD to wear appropriate safety gear? The child had a choice - wear it or don't do the activity. Her fault.

JustAGirlStandingInFrontOfABoy · 02/09/2018 21:14

Ultimately her safety is his responsibility whilst in his care so yes I agree.

Sending her to the car was a weird move. I don’t agree with that.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 02/09/2018 21:15

She didn't HAVE to sit in the car. She could have put the safety gear on and joined in.

Hellywelly10 · 02/09/2018 21:15

He was concerned about her safety so sent her to sit in the car on her own for an hour?

whiteroseredrose · 02/09/2018 21:16

No he wasn't unreasonable. He's a coach and it's a safety issue. The mother was BU. She should have told her daughter to put the safety equipment on.

Isadora2007 · 02/09/2018 21:16

I think he was wrong to not deal
Directly with the parent there and then. She is 11, not 14/15.
I am also confused about whether he asked her to text her Mum or not. If he did and then ignored the permission from her HWBU but if he didn’t, he was still being a bit I reasonable to not call the parent and suggest she was collected. An hour in the car was a bit harsh- as a coach I’d expect him to have better motivation skills.

1CantPickAName · 02/09/2018 21:16

surely the girls mum should have said to her dd, tough! Either wear the pp or don’t participate. What is wrong with parents.

I’m with your dh but I think he should have called the mum and explained that if she didn’t wear the pp the mum needed to collect her

Singlenotsingle · 02/09/2018 21:17

Well, he won't take her again, will he? Silly girl.

Returnofthesmileybar · 02/09/2018 21:17

Ya I agree with others I don't think he was unreasonable. She sounds like a right stroppy little madam

What are you going to text back?

cochineal7 · 02/09/2018 21:19

I do understand he had concerns (and not being a skateboarder I would always listen to a coach) - but why not just call the mother, explain what is happening? Now it ends up with a parent who had explicitly agreed with her daughter (we may not agree with that decision, but hey), and he still put her on the sidelines. I am not questioning his judgment on the use of the equipment - I am sure he is right. But he could have handled it better, particularly once he knew the other parent was involved.

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 02/09/2018 21:19

Absolutely not unreasonable in the slightest. Rules and safety aren't pick-and-mix, they're for everyone. If an 11 year old wants to skate badly enough they'll wear the protective accessories, so presumably she didn't really want to but assumed that by having a strop she'd get him to agree to let her do it without.

The DD has learned a lesson, the parents have learned that sometimes their DD won't be allowed to behave however she likes and your DH has learned not to offer to take that particular child on days out again.

Fucksgiven · 02/09/2018 21:19

Good on him. Bet he's a great dad and your kids don't tit around. Can I borrow him?

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2018 21:19

Yeah, he was unreasonable and mean. What was the point of calling the mum if he was going to say no anyway. Why did she have to sit in the car?

He could have spoken to the mum and explain it's safety equipment or no play and let the mum talk the girl into it. Or mentioned this before hand.

It sounds like he was taking on the role of a coach and I don't blame the girl or her mum for being upset.

OP I think although your dh was right to want the girls to wear safety gear, he you was showing off in a way, and that is pretty sad. He backed her into a corner about the safety equipment. He doesn't seem to understand children that age. I bet your dd is embarrassed and this may have damaged their friendship.

CrazyOldBagLady · 02/09/2018 21:19

Why wouldn't the girl wear the safety gear? I can't imagine there is any good reason not to, so your DH was correct not to tolerate this. The other girls had to wear it, so she should too. If there were any accidents he would have to deal with the fallout from that, and as someone already mentioned, that could have impacted his reputation. I respect his no nonsense approach on this one, the girl brought it on herself.

Juells · 02/09/2018 21:19

She had the choice to wear the safety gear and refused. She didn't have to sit in the car, all she had to do was wear the gear. Valuable life lesson for her, I think.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 02/09/2018 21:19

I don't think he's being unreasonable. As a professional coach (as in if he ever gets paid for it or does it on an organised basis eg youth activity) he has a higher duty of care to others than a layperson, plus there is already a very high duty of care towards children. Therefore if she had got injured even if she had signed something and her parents had signed something saying they didn't mind she wasn't wearing safety equipment, he could still be sued for any injury as it's assumed as an adult he could have made her wear it. He did the sensible thing.

I guess he could have made her wait nearby instead of in the car. But then she could have just worn the gear if she was that upset about not joining in! She's 11 not 5

Pissedoffdotcom · 02/09/2018 21:20

Hope you text back with a response in support of your husband! If the girl had caused herself an injury - especially one that might have been prevented by wearing the right gear - guarantee her parents would be pissed

Furx · 02/09/2018 21:20

Hw was 100% right

PlatypusPie · 02/09/2018 21:20

Why wouldn’t she wear the safety equipment ? She should have been a great deal more grateful about being taken by someone who she could have learnt from and her mother should have told her to put up or sit out. The mother would have been the first to screech if the girl had injured herself.

Your DH was in the right.

Poodletip · 02/09/2018 21:21

He's a coach, even if it wasn't a paid lesson if he was supervising her and she got hurt he could get sued. If she wasn't wearing the correct protective gear he'd have no insurance cover. He was absolutely right not to let her skate and she sounds like a spoilt brat for refusing to do as she was asked. As for sending her to sit in the car that depends if there was anywhere else better that was safe to sit, or if she could see from the car etc. I would guess, given he disregarded it, that he didn't suggest she ask her mum.

WinnieFosterTether · 02/09/2018 21:21

Your DH was UR. Not in insisting she wore the correct guards, etc but in not speaking to her parents directly and in making her sit in the car on her own for an hour.
I can't think of any class our DC have attended where a coach has sent a child to the sidelines for a full hour. They'd usually go back and try to engage them. So I think he acted even harsher than I'd expect a coach to be . . . and he isn't her coach. He's her friend's dad. He also didn't take into account how this would impact your DDs' friendships.

JohnHunter · 02/09/2018 21:21

Your DH sounds very reasonable. Who refuses to wear a helmet to the extent that she has to sit out and then cries about it all evening? It sounds as if this was less about skating and more about her wanting to get her own way.

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