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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

300 replies

upsideup · 02/09/2018 20:57

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

OP posts:
MaybeDoctor · 03/09/2018 07:08

I have only been to one skate park and can totally believe that there may not have been a ‘side’ from which to watch. The edge of the park is where people launch themselves off or flip up onto. It’s not like a sports hall or swimming at an outdoor lido with a nice bench where she could have sat in the sunshine Hmm.

Even swimming pools often don’t like spectators on the poolside as they are a distraction or can undermine the instructors.

The last thing anyone needs in a potentially dangerous area is to be arguing the toss with a child and therefore not supervising the others.

AlexaAmbidextra · 03/09/2018 07:16

Sirzy/single. I was being sarcastic - hence the eye-roll. You can normally rely on someone trotting this out on any thread criticising a child’s behaviour.

PenApple · 03/09/2018 07:17

As the sister of someone who ended up getting blue lighted lighted to a specialist hospital for a fractured skull and brain bleed, from not wearing a helmet while at a skate park, he was most definitely NBU.

I have an 11yo, if OP’s DH did this to them I’d 100% agree with him.

cdtaylornats · 03/09/2018 07:18

She wouldn't do what she was told about safety equipment then chances are she wouldn't do what she was told about anything else.

SoupDragon · 03/09/2018 07:20

Unless we are talking some weird new breed of pay to use skate park, that exists some where??

There’s nothing new or weird about that. There’s one in a converted church near me.

AJPTaylor · 03/09/2018 07:26

Dh was right but i suspect if he let her sit and watch for 5 mins she would have changed her mind.
Prob not used to being told what to do and consequences following.

exLtEveDallas · 03/09/2018 07:28

A couple of years ago I saw a horrendous accident at an unsupervised skate park near me. 4 children were injured, all with broken bones and one with a serious head injury. I'm pretty good in crisis, but being 'on the scene' and helping out actually made me quite sick.

There was a thread later that night on the local 'spotted' type fb page where the parents were getting a roasting about the kids being unsupervised and not wearing safety gear - calling for the park to be closed. It was unfair, but I could understand the sentiment behind it.

I think the OPs DH did the right thing. I'd never take a chance with someone else's child.

Notasunnybunny · 03/09/2018 07:30

I agree that normally I would consider the bratty girl a guest and so deliver her home whilst stopping my own child from continuing the activity in order to be a polite host but in this instance this girl was not the only guest. The other child had come to participate too and it would not be appropriate to cut her her fun short to pander to little miss whingy. The fact she was asked to sit in the car because he didn’t want to continue ‘arguing with her’ suggests she was being particularly poorly mannered and therefore does not deserve extra considerations.

She was taken out to do an activity, she refused to participate within the rules, she argued, she then tried to by pass the adult who was hosting her by texting mummy..... I really think sitting and waiting for an hour is the least of her worries

YouTheCat · 03/09/2018 07:39

The girl made a choice not to wear the correct safety gear. Choices have consequences.

Gersemi · 03/09/2018 07:41

These kids weren't training for the olympics, they were supposed to be having a fun outing.

Since when was it incompatible with a fun outing to keep the participants safe? You might as well say that it's wrong for children having a fun outing in a small boat to be made to wear life jackets, or indeed for children going out in the car to a fun outing to be made to wear seatbelts.

SerenDippitty · 03/09/2018 07:42

He did nothing wrong. This girl sounds like an entitled little princess aide and abetted by a stupid mother. On this occasion she should have backed up your DH. She should have said “Of course you must wear the safety equipment as Coach tells you to and if you won’t wear it you’ll just have to not do it”.

emmyrose2000 · 03/09/2018 07:42

DH was totally in the right.

I'd be mortified if one of my children behaved so badly and arrogantly. It sounds like the friend isn't used to hearing the word 'no' and the mother has no concept of how to say it.

As for the text, either ignore it, or send a brief reply, omitting the word 'sorry'.
I have no idea why you're contacting me as it was DH who took the girls to the park. Please contact him if you wish to discuss further why your DD refused to wear the safety equipment. However, I support him 100% in not allowing Child to participate without using the safety gear.

I bet she's too gutless to contact DH directly as that could mean hearing a few home truths about her precious little snowflake.

emmyrose2000 · 03/09/2018 07:45

Unless we are talking some weird new breed of pay to use skate park, that exists some where??

Pay-to-use skateparks are quite common (usually indoors). Every one that I'm aware of is very strict on users wearing the correct safety gear.

numberseven · 03/09/2018 08:00

they should see if they can come up with something they would all enjoy and if not take the one who won’t participate home.

Goodness no. They were already at the skate park. So they should have left without skating because one child refuses to comply with safety precautions and started negotiating for some other activity that is more fun for that child? Wow.

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 08:08

“I agree that normally I would consider the bratty girl a guest and so deliver her home whilst stopping my own child from continuing the activity in order to be a polite host“

Blimey. I am amazed that anyone would do this!

BarbarianMum · 03/09/2018 08:20

Par for the course now Bertrand . Well behaved children missing out whilst adults give their time and attention to the badly behaved few.

Jent13c · 03/09/2018 08:20

Your husband sounds like an excellent father. She was refusing to wear the equipment (for which there is absolutely no reason for except to look cool) and he did not negotiate with a child. She had every chance to be included, there was sufficient safety gear for her to get over herself and put it on and join in on the activity. If your husband (as a trained professional on skateparks) did not feel it was safe for her to be hanging about at the side without a helmet on then I would absolutely support him in that.

Her mother was absolutely in the wrong, undermining his authority and texting you to complain about it. Either she doesn’t know the full situation (in which case I would be picking up the phone and letting her know exactly what happened) or she wants her daughter to be her friend rather than a daughter. I would expect her to be making the daughter apologise to your husband and daughter for being so rude and spoiling the day.

To be honest, would be 100x better if you or DH could pick up the phone and calm the situation down over phone. You don’t know what the girl has told her mother and if she still thinks you are unreasonable then perhaps it’s not a bad thing if the friendship stales. She’s going to be hell as a teenager if her mother lets her continue on that path.

RhiWrites · 03/09/2018 08:28

I think the DH did a pretty good job. He made the rules clear and as a professional in the sport and as supervising parent it was appropriate for him to do so.

The things I wonder about were:

Did he give the visiting child enough chance to back down “if you change your mind just come back and we’ll get you suited up and ready to skate”.

Why didn’t DD intervene. “Come on Kate, don’t go and sit in the car. Get the gear on and come and skate. Don’t worry about looking silly, we all look the same.”

Also OP’s text was disingenuous. “I’m not sure why you’re messaging me..” come on, OP. The other mum wanted to check if you knew about the incident and were in agreement with your husband. Which you weren’t because you posted here!

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 08:28

Cannot believe some of the posts on here.

Everyone should miss out cos some stroppy kid is being a smartass!

Poor ickle snowflake should have sat and watched and got steamrollered by another skater !

Sitting in a car within sight is a terrible thing to fo to an 11yr old!

No wonder teachers have such a problem with discipline if parents are teaching kids rules dont apply to them.

PolkerrisBeach · 03/09/2018 08:47

I have an 11 year old. He's been out with friends for activities like climbing walls and canoeing. He would never DREAM of telling an adult in charge that he wasn't wearing a helmet, or listening to a safety briefing, or anything else. I could imagine him saying "Do I really need to wear a helmet" - but when the adult in charge said that he did, he'd conform.

OP's DH is 100% correct here. As for the break up of a friendship, I'm not sure I'd be encouraging a friendship with such a rude little madam in the first place.

Armadillostoes · 03/09/2018 08:53

I am also horrified at some (thankfully minority) voices who think that it's acceptable for an eleven year old to refuse to wear safety equipment and argue with an adult taking them out for a treat/unrelated activity. The fact that the girl's parents were anything other than mortified by her behaviour is very telling. I don't envy people who are teachers or sports coaches having to deal with families like this.

It does sound like the child behaved like a brat, but it also appears that she did so because her parents have given her a very warped idea of how the world works. It is very sad, but if her parents are indulging and condoning this kind of behaviour, no wonder she keeps engaging in it and gets confused and upset when other adults (and children) don't fall in line with her demands.

Willow2017 · 03/09/2018 08:59

How ridiculous to imagine that the girl didnt know where she was going before they left!

And i would take a 'saddo' insisting on safety gear looking after my kid over someone who thinks 11yr olds should be allowed to strop and spoil it for everyone else anyday.

I despair at some of the excuses made for this kid and the vitriol at the dh over ensuring a child doesnt risk permanent brain damage!

Can you just imagine the thread?
"My childs dad took them skateboarding with no safety gear and she split her head open". He told her to wear it but she refused and he let her carry on. Can i sue?

sirlee66 · 03/09/2018 09:29

Did you send the text, OP? What did the mum say?

Ariela · 03/09/2018 09:29

I think the important thing here is that your DH is a coach.

If he is teaching or supervising children in skadeboarding, whether paid for or privately (which he was) then he has a responsibility and a repuation. I'm sure his coaching insurance would be null and void if he had allowed her to skate without the appropriate equipment. What would he/you do then if the parent sued for the child's injuries?

Bleedingblood · 03/09/2018 10:09

arm im a bit dumbfounded that people consider being 'taken' to the skatepark a treat, tbh. Most 11 year olds just take themselves to the skatepark