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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

300 replies

upsideup · 02/09/2018 20:57

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

OP posts:
incywincybitofa · 03/09/2018 10:19

My reply would be,
X was told if she wanted to skate she could, using the safety equipment provided, if she didn't the safest place to sit and watch was the car which is where she was asked to go.
At the end of the day it is up to the girl and her mum to decide if they want to continue this friendship.
If the girls are going to secondary anyway then this will probably all blow over in the change of school and change of friendship groups.

Donna1001 · 03/09/2018 10:34

@bleedingblood
Surely that would depend how far away the park is?
My nearest is around 2 miles away. My 11 year old is not doing that journey without an adult.

corythatwas · 03/09/2018 10:44

No experience of skateboarding but have taken children ice-skating and sailing - both arguably less dangerous - and am totally with your dh on this one.

WinnieFosterTether · 03/09/2018 11:18

DontMakeMeShushYou I didn't say the DD should apologise. Of course she shouldn't. I also don't think the OP should apologise for her DH. He's the adult that made the decisions. He can explain himself.
What's missing in all of this is the friendship between the OP's DD and the other DC.
So I'd be having a chat with my DD about what happened and how she felt about the friend. Safety being non-negotiable doesn't have to end up with a child sitting in a car for an hour. If DD doesn't really like the child she invited and the child has a history of being difficult, then I'd take that into account. If it's DD's best friend and DD thinks her dad was unnecessarily mean, then I'd try to manage this so it didn't impact on DD's friendship.

PorkFlute · 03/09/2018 11:21

I don’t think your dh was u tbh. If she was going to be that upset at missing out then she should have put the stuff on.
Her parents are being vvv unreasonable teaching their child not to comply with reasonable requests when in the care of other adults. If this was my child I’d be mortified that she had been cheeky enough to argue about putting the stuff on after someone had bothered to take her out for what was basically a free lesson. I bet the child feels she doesn’t have to follow instructions at school either. Consider it a dodged bullet and just don’t have the child over again.

PorkFlute · 03/09/2018 11:23

And if the child is a good friend then they could still hang out alone or at school. But I wouldn’t be willing to be responsible for a child that refuses to follow basic instructions around safety.

Bleedingblood · 03/09/2018 11:24

donna yeah, i think it shows just how worlds apart people luves are doesnt it...dd goes 2 miles to school every day...walk/cycle/bus

BedtimeTea · 03/09/2018 11:44

I would reply "This is nothing to do with me, you will have to talk to dh."
He can tell her what happened.

Strugglingtodomybest · 03/09/2018 11:46

Unless we are talking some weird new breed of pay to use skate park, that exists some where??

www.mounthawkeskatepark.com

It costs £10 for a day pass. Definitely a treat in this household.

Feckitall · 03/09/2018 11:50

bullying prick

Does anyone else think the mum recognised herself?

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 12:40

This was a favourite treat for my ds and his friends for many years.....

BertrandRussell · 03/09/2018 12:41

"My nearest is around 2 miles away. My 11 year old is not doing that journey without an adult."

Irrelevant, but blimey, why not????

Bleedingblood · 03/09/2018 12:55

Blimey struggling £10 to go skating. Thats pretty exclusive. We have 3 pparks within easy walking distance...1 is in the local council park, 1 is in the motorway underpass and has been made by the skaters, 3rd is in the woods and is fashioned out of mud banks etc

Unfinishedkitchen · 03/09/2018 13:09

Well next time she’ll do as she’s told.

He was trying to protect her and she was being a madam backed up by her parents who no doubt are the types who spend an hour negotiating with her over everything and being friends with her rather than stepping up and being the parent.

Sometimes you cannot give them what they want and you must have the final say. He was looking out for her and his professional reputation was involved here.

If I was her parent, I’d be apologising to him for my childs stubbornness and I would tell her that sitting out the activity served her right. He never forced her into the car, she tried to get her way and when that failed she became stubborn and tried to manipulate him by involving her parents. When that failed, she’d realised she’d backed herself in to a corner and wouldn’t climb down. I would not have that child around again.

Cindersdonegood · 03/09/2018 13:23

Your DP did the right thing by not letting her take part of she refused the safety gear.

I've given someone a lift before whose child didn't like seatbelts and she said it wasn't worth the screaming fit so he was fine as he was. I just smiled and waited with the car turned off. Of course I wasn't going to drive with an unsecured child. She huffed upon realising we were going nowhere, undid her belt, got back out and went and strapped him in.
Another mum said it was fine that her DS didn't wear a helmet when using my DS's bike when she left him for a play date. I said "that's fine, they don't need to ride bikes then."
A relative couldn't understand when I refused to take their child without a car seat. Boggles the mind sometimes!

OP,good on your fella. It's not just his professional reputation on the line but the child's safety which is paramount, especially when they're not yours! Confused

Gersemi · 03/09/2018 13:27

Did your DP see the text exchange? If the child sent something along the lines of "Is it OK for me to skateboard without protective stuff" the parent's response was OKish, though she shouldn't have jumped to the conclusion that your DP was being mean when her DD was upset. However, if it was "OP's DH says I have to wear horrible protective stuff, I don't, do I?" then her response was extremely rude - you should never undermine another adult who is being kind enough to take your child out.

Cindersdonegood · 03/09/2018 14:07

@upsideup did you send the text and what did she reply?

Oh and for the benefit of the PP saying all skateparks are free and they're everywhere? Nope. Not one anywhere near us at all. It's a good 30 miles to the nearest as far as I know and it is definitely not suitable for a child to be sitting around on the floor of. They would likely end up with a skateboard to the face. They could stand at the fencing safely though, which is where you park.

Confusedbeetle · 03/09/2018 14:14

This was a safety issue. He was correct. The child's mother should have backed him up. No safety gear, no skateboarding. The mother should also have spoken to him directly, not texted op

Hertha · 03/09/2018 16:42

Unless we are talking some weird new breed of pay to use skate park, that exists some where??
mpora.com/action/skateboarding/best-skateparks-uk-10-best-places-bmx-skateboard-country/

A list of the 10 best skate parks in the country. At a glance; 9 of the 10 are pay to use. I assume (maybe wrongly) that the one the OP’s DP went to was a pay to use one as that’s where you’d expect to find a skateboarding coach.

WindyScales · 04/09/2018 02:34

Any news from the OP?

franchesco · 04/09/2018 02:58

She sounds like she's never been told no before. Good on your DH

MrsDrSpencerReid · 04/09/2018 04:53

Your DH was 100% in the right.

Of course there are skateboarding coaches!! Bloody hell. Yes, lots of kids teach themselves to skateboard. But what about the ones that want to compete? There’s all sorts of skateboard comps, you need proper coaching to compete.

We have a very popular skate park behind our DC school. Lots of kids go there in the morning before school to skate. A couple of years ago a child was injured badly, care flight helicopter had to come etc. Now a teacher goes out there every morning to make sure they’re all wearing helmets and also make sure they’re not late in to school.

I agree the car was also the best place to sit if she refused to wear the gear. Being hit by a flying skateboard is no fun.

MyNameIsJane · 04/09/2018 05:49

Your DH was absolutely in the right!

NoFucksImAQueen · 09/09/2018 22:04

@upsideup any update?

Mehaveit · 09/09/2018 22:11

Our local skate park has a protective gear rule so I can quite believe it. No one is immune from accidents. Your DH WNBU.

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