Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

[upsideup]

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

Plus today was hot, (here) did the child open the window? With our car you cannot open the window without the key and the car running, that may explain why the car was not a nice place to be (even if you deserve not to be on the skate park).
You bring tears to my eyes. She's 11 years not 11 months

There's no way i'd be making my kids & additional friends cut short their activities because one of them didn't want to participate correctly. Only lesson that teaches my kids is if your friend is a brat you lose out. Teaches bratty kid if they don't do as they're told its okay everyone goes home. No chance

Well the girl has learnt a valuable lesson. When an adult in charge os making reasonable demands (safety equipment) you have a choice to comply and join in or not and don't!

At 11 I'm assuming they age about to start secondary school? Same rules will apply re or lessons and having the right safety equipment. The Mum needs to impress on her dd she has to get over it rather than put her in an unsafe position.

If the Mum is supervising then she can make her own safety decisions.

Bloody hell what a madam! If I was her mum, I’d be apologising profusely for my pain in the arse child.

Sitting in a car for an hour is no biggy. Back in the 70s, sitting in a car for an hour, admittedly with some flat pop, was actually a trip out, whilst the dad in charge popped into the pub to “see a man about a dog.”

Your husband is not in any way unreasonable.

If they had all gone skating and she hadn’t enjoyed it then I agree with you. But this isn’t about the activity, it’s about her refusal to follow simple, entirely sensible rules. Why should her ridiculousness curtail the other’s fun?

As her parents have lodged a complaint by texting you I wouldn't take her anywhere or have her round in my house again. If she was my child I would have asked her why she didn't put the safety equipment on if she wanted to take part. If they don't like how your husband looks after their daughter they should not bring her round to your house again. Easily solved.

Most of the message is fine but I think I'd have to change the end where you say you are sorry she's upset to something like

"I'm not sure why she is upset though, she chose not to wear the gear, had she worn it she would have been welcome to join, it was completely her decision. Though of course neither of us would like to see anyone upset"

Get it in that she decided

@SirGawain I think it’s harsh I say “with more sense than the mother”.

The OP herself has said that she would have let the kid skate without the protective gear - and she’s married to a skate coach!

Something’s gone on, the kid should have worn it, the husband was right to insist. But there are many sides to this story and I think it’s realky unfair to blame the non skating mother who has probably said “yeah, fine by me” thinking she’s making it easier for the father - and from an uninformed place. People who don’t know about skating don’t see a risk in a beginner just having a little first time go on the flat. The OP doesn’t!!

Don't say 'sorry' on your text. DH had nothing to be sorry for. It sends the wrong message. I agree with the PP who said text would be better saying DH did the right thing in 'keeping her safe.'

Fred and Dd hope very much that Mabel will change her mind about the safety gear so she can come on the next trip
If I was the OPs husband she wouldn't get a second invitation.

Your DH was absolutely right! The mum's text might shed some light on why the child was a bit of a brat

”If they had all gone skating and she hadn’t enjoyed it then I agree with you. But this isn’t about the activity, it’s about her refusal to follow simple, entirely sensible rules. Why should her ridiculousness curtail the other’s fun?”

Because you’re not her moral guardian with the right to try and whip her attitude into shape. You have no idea why she didn’t want to follow those rules. She does not have the resources to make her own way home or do something different once she found out that the activity she’s agreed to requires something she doesn’t want/feel able to do. So it’s pretty poor manners to make her sit in the car for an hour while everyone else has fun.

I wouldn't bother replying. They've complained. You are not their childminder or grandparent.

You don't complain about how another parent has looked after your child. If you don't like how they look after your child you don't let them look after them again. There is nothing you can say that will satisfy them other than apologize. It sounds sarcastic to say something along the lines of 'sorry my DH was kind enough to take your DD skateboarding, she wouldn't wear the safety gear and he had her wait in the car. Don't worry about her behaviour. All children have their moments.'

@SirGawain I think it’s harsh I say “with more sense than the mother”.
The situation calls for harsh words. Would the mother tell the school that she does not have to obey the safety rules if she doesn't want to. if she did she would get very short shrift.

At 11 she is perfectly old enough to understand. My DC have been skating since they were 6 and they know skating means safety gear.

She had a choice.

This thread has legs of its own. People criticising the mother of the girl. OP hasn’t even said what the text was, only that it says the girl was crying this evening.

Could be the mother has just texted to say “she’s upset - what’s gone on?” and has no idea that child has been a brat (if she has).

Could be the kid had a minor grump about wearing uncomfortable gear (that they didn’t see a need for, same as the OP!!) and the husband’s response was a very terse “get in the car” that intimidated her, rather than a firm but kindly “gear or you can’t do it - hey, why not sit just there and take photos with your phone? If you change your mind, shout me over.”

I wasn’t there, could be she was a total brat. I’m just not jumping to that conclusion. Other people’s parents can be scary when you’re 11. It’s not so easy to just get out of the car and join in, if you think you’ve been sent there as a punishment and the adult is cross with you..

I think it's interesting you're considering answering on your DH's behalf and are focusing on justifying his decision to the other parent. At this point (the activity is over; your DH did what he did) I'd be viewing the entire incident through the prism of how it's going to affect your DD and her friendship.
It was supposed to be a fun day for the DCs. It definitely wasn't fun for the friend and I doubt the fall-out is going to be fun for your DD.

well said Ellisandra

OP in your heart you know your DH is right to insist on safety equipment but was also a bit mean to your DD's friend. He didn't invite the mother's permission, but upon receiving it, needed to either call her or tell the recalcitrant child to text her to let her know that he wasn't prepared to let her skate without the right equipment, and why.

And as the child's mother I would be fuming about her being relegated to a car while he was supervising other children elsewhere (by definition, he wasn't supervising her child very well!). I would also call to speak to OP's DH to find out exactly what had happened - if I'd given permission for her to participate and nobody bothered to let me know that my permission would be ignored (or why), I'd be unimpressed and want to understand what had actually happened (having only heard my child's side of the story)

Yes - the kid was being an almighty madam and pest. However, she was out with a friend and her dad, and her mum had said she could do something with her blessing. It was remiss of your DH not to speak to the mother/text her immediately and explain why he would be ignoring the fact she'd given permission. I can see why an 11-year old would be confused that her mum had said OK and OP's DH still said no.

Taking time to speak to the mother would hardly mean the other children missed out entirely, merely that they had to wait a bit before their hour of skateboarding started. And having her mum tell 'madam' to wear the equipment might have just been the trick telling madam that if she chose not to wear the safety equipment, it served her right to miss out. But if the mum still insisted she didn't need to wear the equipment, then she should have been told to collect her and kid sat on the sidelines while waiting.

I'd have thought by 11 most kids would have been on a school residential or at least some kind of outdoor activity where wearing safety equipment was non-negotiable. Also most 11 year olds wouldn't argue with an adult about something like this.

Your dh was quite right.

I think it was pretty harsh of your husband. He could've at least let her watch. When she saw (probably after 10mins) that he was serious I'm pretty sure she would've worn the gear and joined in.

Not unreasonable not to let her participate but v unreasonable to send her back to the car when she could have sat on the sidelines.

If he was reasonable and took the time to explain to her why he felt it was important then fair enough to say she couldn't participate if she was still refusing/insisting she wouldn't wear it.

Why should he do this? I wouldn't even expect someone to do this for my much younger children. By 11 a child knows why they need to wear safety equipment. She was being a brat. She probably isn't used to threats being followed through and the tears are of embarrassment and frustration. Just reply and explain it was for her own safety.

The only thing I would perhaps have done differently was ring the parents and let them know so that they could have picked her up but by 11 she can do that herself I suppose. I wonder why she didn't!?

Good grief are some of you really defending her behaviour?

He should have phone the mother, he should have spoken to her, he should have persuaded her, he should have, he should have....

No he shouldn't! He gave his time and attention to the children who were behaving. He should not spend time on the child behaving badly he should pass on his valuable coaching skills to the children doing the right thing.

She was upset - she should be her behaviour was poor. Learn the lesson.

Ellisandra the mother of the girl gave her permission for her child to go skating without safety gear on against the advice of a trained professional. That alone would make me judge her.

Sunshineface123 but she didn't do that
She sat there for a whole hour and at any point could have joined in.