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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

300 replies

upsideup · 02/09/2018 20:57

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

OP posts:
Thesearepearls · 02/09/2018 21:48

He did absolutely the right thing

Well done to your DH

Alicatz66 · 02/09/2018 21:51

Good old DH .. she sounds a right brat !!!

Pinkyyy · 02/09/2018 21:51

I honestly agree that he was not being unreasonable. Whilst she is under his supervision she needs to follow his rules, just like she does at school. And her mother texting her to say she's allowed was just ridiculous, especially when she was trying to undermine him at his own job

BertrandRussell · 02/09/2018 21:53

"I do think it's a bit sad to think of her sitting in the car by herself for an hour while the others had fun."

Blimey. She knew what she had to do to join in. And she refused.

BarbarianMum · 02/09/2018 21:54

OP has now explained why "watching from the side " was not ideal. Child was safe in a car - alone as the result of her decision. Why the hell should be delivering her home be a priority?

Ds2 can be a sulky whatsit at times (thankfully mostly with us) and has on occasion missed out on stuff by being too stubborn to back down. I'd be mortified if he behaved like this with others, and doubly so if they disrupted what they were doing to bring him home.

MaybeDoctor · 02/09/2018 21:54

I think he was in the right.

We don't know how lippy/difficult she was being when she refused to do it. The chances of her meekly sitting by the sidelines sound fairly slim. The car was probably the safest place for her to sit.

Notasunnybunny · 02/09/2018 21:56

If this was my dd I’d be telling her off for being so rude and belligerent, I would back your dh up and tell her she had gotten what she deserved. The fact this mother is now blaming you for her dd poor conduct gives some idea of why she thought she would get away with that sort of behaviour in the first place. Entitled much?

DarklyDreamingDexter · 02/09/2018 21:57

Your DH was completely right. What if she'd had an accident? As a coach he has a reputation to protect and a duty to act responsibly, even if the mother was OK to ignore basic safely rules. Your DDs friend sounds like an insufferable brat and your DH did exactly the right and responsible thing.

Troels · 02/09/2018 21:57

He was right, the Mum was wrong. Now maybe the girl will actually do as she is asked and wear safety equipment.
If he had accepted the text and let her go without, and she was injured badly I bet that Mum would be the first one shouting about it all being your Dh's fault.

whiteroseredrose · 02/09/2018 21:57

Pretty much unanimous then!

Bumdishcloths · 02/09/2018 21:59

Child and parents sound awful. DH is a trooper. Text back, don't apologise, advise child could have participated at any point by complying with extremely necessary safety rules.

findingmywaytoday · 02/09/2018 21:59

Actions have consequences. Your husband wasn't unreasonable, even if she had been "careful" and got hurt, I bet the parents would now be hopping up and down about it. If that had been me and my parents, I'd have been told off for being disobedient!

Starlight345 · 02/09/2018 22:00

I am not sure why you are questioning it.

Of course dh was in charge his rules. If it was my 11 year old I would of told them they should of done what was told

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 02/09/2018 22:02

He was in the right.

As the adult in charge he wanted her to wear appropriate safety equipment which he provided. Not only did she refuse, she got her mum to back her up. Little madam.

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2018 22:02

upsideup
"What was the point of calling the mum if he was going to say no anyway.

Just to make it clear he DID NOT call the mum or ask dd's friend to.
He said no and wasnt going to change his mind with or without her parents permission while he was the one supervising her and lending the skateboard."

Sorry I misunderstood and thought she had texted because he wanted her to do so.

I still think he could have handled it better. She backed herself into a corner. Which is indeed a bratty thing to do, but sad too.

BoomBoomsCousin · 02/09/2018 22:02

His rule, and his insistence on it despite her mum being happy without, was not unreasonable. If he was coaching I would agree with the sending her to the car. But since he was just taking DD and friends out, I think he should have brought them all home or found something else to do rather than stay for an hour with one friend in the car (unless she was happy with that, which it doesn’t sound like she was if she was going to be arguing if she stayed on the sidelines). I don’t think his choice to stay was exactly unreasonable, but I insist my kids bend to their friends’ agendas when hosting even when they aren’t being the best behaved guests (unless they are being downright nasty, in which case it’s normally a sign for people to be going home).

Cantusethatname · 02/09/2018 22:02

Honestly, if my son came back and said he'd been made to sit in the car for refusing to wear the equipment I would have had a right go at him, shown him some pictures of what happens if you refuse to wear safety equipment and sent him to bed. Then I would have phoned you husband to grovel an apology for my spoilt brat of a child.

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 22:03

Why should he 'handle it' better?

This is what you have to do to join in. She didn't do it. Tough.

CarrieBlu · 02/09/2018 22:05

@Cantusethatname

I hope that when my DC are older, I parent them like you.

I definitely admire the OP’s DH actions.

ScurrilousSquirrel · 02/09/2018 22:05

I would have been quite cross at her mum being manipulated into undermining your DH. He behaved correctly.

I'd either ignore the text from the mother or ask her why she contacted you, as you were not there. Both mother and child sound like hard work.

FriggingMardyCow · 02/09/2018 22:07

The parents should be texting to say how mortified they are at their child's behaviour and agreeing your DH was right not to let her skate without safety equipment, especially so as he is a coach and knows the risks.

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2018 22:08

upsideup was your dh wearing all the protective gear?

Cheby · 02/09/2018 22:10

Your DH was completely in the right. Girl and her mother are idiots.

SD1978 · 02/09/2018 22:11

I'm with most- his activity, he was supervising, so it's his rules or don't participate. Pretty simple. Everyone else wore the gear provided. She didn't want to so don't participate. Good on him for not giving in. If the child is upset- she had a choice and instead of wearing what she was told tried to get her parents involved. Her parents weren't there so they don't get to make that decision. I'm very impressed with him. Gold star! She didn't need to exclude herself- she chose to. So next time maybe she'll realise to do as she is asked, not whatever she wants.

HeebieJeebies456 · 02/09/2018 22:12

so what was your reply to them?

mine would be "it was her own doing - and yours- for choosing not to wear safety gear" signed off 'regards, Mr Upsideup'