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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

300 replies

upsideup · 02/09/2018 20:57

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

OP posts:
jay55 · 02/09/2018 21:22

She was being stubborn. She chose to stay in the car instead of participating.

newdaylight · 02/09/2018 21:22

Did nothing wrong imo.
I don't think it's his position to call the parents to get them to pick her up. She could do that herself if she wanted. He wasn't coaching. The car was close by and in sight, he treated her as he would good own child. No problem

Dollymixture22 · 02/09/2018 21:23

He was right not to let her skate, but he shouldn’t have got her to text her mum when he knew if sage said she didn’t have to wear the gear he still wasn’t going to let her skate. He should have spoken to the mum himself and said she has to wear it or not skate. She is only 11 and the mum might not have appreciated his point of view, or the dangers involved.

she Certainly won’t go skating again with him 😏

Italiangreyhound · 02/09/2018 21:23

It's not the rule about safety equipment it is the way it was enforced.

Singlenotsingle "Well, he won't take her again, will he? Silly girl."

I very much doubt she would want to go anywhere with him ever again, silly man. But of course it's not his friend he has upset.

There are ways of getting kids to comply with safety rules and this does not seem to be it.

Pissedoffdotcom · 02/09/2018 21:24

OPs DP didn't get the girl to text mum. She did it off her own back. Presumably to apply pressure to DP - which didn't work. I wish more parents would buck up & accept that if your child is being supervised by somebody else THEY make the rules, not you. You want to dictate shit? Supervise your own kids

asprinklingofsugar · 02/09/2018 21:25

He was not being unreasonable

AlexaAmbidextra · 02/09/2018 21:25

An hour in the car was a bit harsh- as a coach I’d expect him to have better motivation skills.

But he wasn’t in his role as coach. He was a dad taking some kids out for fun. Perhaps he didn’t want to spend half an hour trying to ‘motivate’ a child who was determined to defy his instructions. Why should the other kids have their time wasted because of this little madam?

Putyourdamnshoeson · 02/09/2018 21:25

Hwnbu she had every opportunity. Skateboarding injuries can be horrific, speaking from experience.
She shouldn't have been so stupid and stubborn. Her parents have likely not been given the true story from her.
The car was close by, she was arguing and distracting the others.

WinnieFosterTether · 02/09/2018 21:25

There are ways of getting kids to comply with safety rules and this does not seem to be it
yy exactly this. I'm surprised a professional coach wouldn't have managed the entire situation better.

spottybetty · 02/09/2018 21:26

So your dh didn't Ask the girl to text her mum? She just did it.

He was not being U. She should have worn the gear. Didn’t your dd say she’d have to wear it beforehand? Hasn’t she been skating with you before?

Whocansay · 02/09/2018 21:26

Your DH was behaving like a responsible parent.

The child cut off her nose to spite her face. If she wanted to do it, why on earth DIDN'T she simply put the safety gear on?

The mother is an idiot. I would ignore the text and not ask this child round again. Your DH and DD have nothing to apologise for.

AgentJohnson · 02/09/2018 21:27

An hour in the car was a bit harsh- as a coach I’d expect him to have better motivation skills.

An eleven year old left alone for an hour in a car with only her mobile for company, how did she cope.

DD has a few madams in her street dance class who think they call the shots. If DD was refusing to wear safety equipment, I would have collected her and made her apologise, not sanction the poor behaviour.

JacNaylor · 02/09/2018 21:28

She just needed to do as she was asked and wear the safety stuff really. He's a coach and he knows what he's talking about, why does an 11 year old get to change the rules?
I'm willing to bet that the mum would have been furious if her dd had broken a bone so I think dh was right not to let her skate. She sounds like a bit of a madam tbh (although obviously there could be more of a back story)

Furx · 02/09/2018 21:28

Posted too soon...

aml has i exactly right. He has a duty of care, and understands the risks, far better than the girls mum. There’s lots of broken wrists and concussion in skateboarding.

She might be ok with no safety gear, but if he is in charge of the activity it is his call. Not nice having to call a parent to tell them their kid is on the way to A&E.

He was also right to send her to the car, I’ve taught high risk sports. Someone who won’t obey the rules is a bloody danger, they’ll distract the others.

Id give the mum short shrift. If the girl wanted not to be excluded then she only had to do as she was asked. Tough monkeys that she is now upset she missed out.

Moussemoose · 02/09/2018 21:28

So an 11 year old should have been allowed to participate with no helmet?

The OPs partner was not at work, he was doing someone a favour. Why should he sit down an coax and explain the need for PPE equipment? You do the sport you wear the equipment any responsible NT 11 year old knows this.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 02/09/2018 21:28

As you got the text from the parent OP, if I were you, I'd have to reply to it. You should keep it factual

  • DH brought safety gear for everyone.
  • The other two had no issue wearing the safety gear just this friend
  • She was told to wear it or the option of not wearing it was not to take part so she chose not to take part by not wearing it.
  • There wasn't anything that your DD could have done that wouldn't have been in complete confrontation to your DH and it's unfair to place any blame at DD's door.
  • If their daughter wanted to join in, she could have put on the safety gear at any time and joined in.
  • You're sorry that she is upset but she could have taken part by wearing the necessary safety gear.
Perhaps the next time they all go out, they could all wear the necessary safety gear? Hopefully this will put an end to the situation as you wouldn't like this to be made into something bigger than it was. DH dealt with the situation as he felt right at the time and that is that.
Original poster
upsideup · 02/09/2018 21:30

What was the point of calling the mum if he was going to say no anyway.

Just to make it clear he DID NOT call the mum or ask dd's friend to.
He said no and wasnt going to change his mind with or without her parents permission while he was the one supervising her and lending the skateboard.

OP posts:
wwwwwwwwwwwwww · 02/09/2018 21:30

I think he was right. If she had hurt herself realistically it would be him who had to call the ambulance etc.

JacNaylor · 02/09/2018 21:32

There are ways of getting kids to comply with safety rules and this does not seem to be it*
yy exactly this. I'm surprised a professional coach wouldn't have managed the entire situation better.*

He wasn't there in that capacity though, if he had been paid to give the child a lesson then yes he could be expected to engage more and try different tactics to get her to wear the equipment, but he wasn't he was doing something that was supposed to be fun for them all.

MakeItRain · 02/09/2018 21:32

I think a lot depends on how this all happened. He was right to insist on the safety gear but there are ways of talking about it with children. If he was reasonable and took the time to explain to her why he felt it was important then fair enough to say she couldn't participate if she was still refusing/insisting she wouldn't wear it.

If he immediately or crossly sent her to the car on the first "no I'll be fine" it might have been that the girl felt unable to deal with the situation or tell him she'd wear it after all, and the situation could have been easily managed and turned around.

How he spoke to the girl might have made a difference.

BuggerLumpsAnnoyed · 02/09/2018 21:32

Completely agree with your DH. It’s not just the fact that she didn’t have the equipment so couldn’t take part and should sit near by. She was being purposely rude and difficult so should be punished by sitting in the car. He absolutely did the right thing and the parents of this girl should be apologising for her behaviour.

TwoOddSocks · 02/09/2018 21:32

He should have let her sit by her friends but not join in the skateboarding, she might well have changed her mind and worn the safety gear. I don't think it's fair to let her join in if he didn't feel it was safe as he's a coach so has to keep up standards and doesn't want a child injured on his watch. However making her sit in the car alone was overkill.

incywincybitofa · 02/09/2018 21:32

I'm in 2 minds about this, I struggle to imagine an 11 year old being so defiant to a host on a playdate, that said I don't know what your skate parks are like, ours isn't designed for sitting around to watch so the car may have been the closest safest spot.
On the other hand he does sound a bit mean to just banish her to the car.

gamerchick · 02/09/2018 21:33

He was right, she might do as she's told next time.

SoupDragon · 02/09/2018 21:33

I would have been pissed off if someone had left my 11 year old in a car by herself. That was unnecessary and she should have waited with him on the side.

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