Was DH unreasonable to dd's friend?

[upsideup]

DH took 11 year old dd and 2 of her friends skateboarding to day. He is a coach but this wasn't a lesson, just him taking dd and her friends out so supposed to be fun.
DH took all equipment to lend dd's friend which including board, helmet, knee pads, elbow pads and wrist guards. One girl refused to wear this, said she would be fine and her mum wouldn't mind, Dh told her to go back to the car then where she sent her mum a text who replied saying that's fine, as long as shes careful. DH still said no and sent her back to the car and let dd and her other friend skate for about an hour then took them all home.

Personally I wouldn't have done this because it feels too mean so would have taken her home first or let her do a bit on the flat with her mums permission. I get why DH did this though and its what I would have expected him to do but I do think he should have at least asked her to sit down with near her friends rather than send her back to the car on her own and have told him this.

I (not DH) have had a text from the girls parents saying dd has been in tears all evening from today, shes really upset with DH and dd (who I think just didn't say or do anything).

So do you think DH (and dd) were unreasonable and should apologise?

“I think he should have brought them all home or found something else to do“

Seriously? So they all mis out because one child refuses to do something perfectly sensible that all the others were doing without fuss? What sort of a lesson is that for any of them?

No he was no way unreasonable- the brat made her own choice .

I wish more kids were taught consequences like this. She chose not to do as she was told. I presume she wasn't locked in the car (that would be wrong) so could have come and joined in with them after reconsidering the safety wear.

Her mother giving permission to join in without the safety gear was undermining your dh position and wouldn't have held any weight in court if the kid had an accident. I'm sure the fact he's a coach means he would be putting his professional reputation at risk.

I'd reply to the mother that her daughter was kept safe and perhaps she could discuss the importance of safety with her as it wasn't fair to put your dh in that position.

Havent replied yet but will in the morning, how is this?

'Not sure why you have messaged me as I didnt take the girls skating but trust DH did the right thing by not letting her join in, he's witnessed some horrific injuries from skateboarding accidents and wouldnt want to take that risk with a child in his care. We are both sorry if dd is upset though, that wasnt his intention and she is more than welcome to come again if she ever changes her mind about wearing the protective gear.'

Moussemoose "Why should he 'handle it' better?" Because he was there as the child's dad, the dad of the girl's friend. Not as a coach. It sounds like his attitude was that of a coach. I am Not saying he was wrong re the no equipment, not joining in.

I am saying the situation did not need to be all or nothing and it did not need to end with one girl very upset and possibly a friendship breakup. The OP has asked for views and I am giving mine. I recognise it is not the one most people agree with.

I suspcetc most people are putting themselves in the dads position. And I can certainly see how annoying it would be. I am not saying I would have behaved massively differently, but I think I would have done one thing differently.

I would have asked the girl to call her mum and give the phone to me and explained the situation, and offered for the mum to collect her child.

I am guessing this might have led to the mum telling her daughter to comply. And if not at least the mum would have known before her daughter came home and had the option to collect her.

Taking out other people's children is fraught with potential issues and the 'it's my way of the highway' attitude may be 'technically' right but I think I would have looked a little harder for a solution.

Sounds like a reasonable text OP.

I think that sounds fair

upsideup that is a very good reply.

I agree totally with your DH. Safety equiptment should not be optional especially when responsible for someone elses DC. I know that in my sport any coach could be deemed responsible in the event of an accident regardless of whether they were there in that capacity or not. Also agree that skating injuries can be really nasty, a relative of mine has undergone two years of surgeries on his hand following a fall which would have been prevented with the right equipment.

As far as the friend goes, presumably she could have sheepishly returned to join in at any time?

I don’t think it’s clear what happened here and why, at all.

No gear not skating; fine, completely reasonable.

But on page one, OP says that the car is where his own child is sent when messing about and he doesn’t want them in the way. It’s only later that OP says oh it’s much more comfortable in the car, and dangerous to be underfoot.

Which is it? Because it makes a difference to how much sympathy I have for the 11yo’s later tears. OP’s follow up makes the car sound lovely - but from OP’s own first posts, it sounded much more punitive.

If she refused to wear the gear, then suck it up buttercup - but I do get that a still quite young child would be upset by the punishment - and it wasn’t just the dad, it was being ignored by the others too.

And why are people criticising the mother? OP herself, with skating family experience, said she would have allowed the kid to go on the flat without PPE! The kid’s mum is probably clueless about the risks.

• mum, Mr Friend wants me to wear the knee pads (etc) - is it OK if I don’t?
• yeah, that’s fine with me, tell him I said it’s OK

Not manipulated, just unaware of the risks.

I don’t know what I think here.
I definitely think the husband wasn’t unreasonable to say “no gear no play”. But I suspect it’s possible that he may have quite abruptly sent the child back to the car and made them feel punished.

It’s quite clear from the earlier OP posts, that the car isn’t the cosy options, it’s where you get sent for pissing about. Being told off by someone else’s parent can be intimidating at that age, even if he’s right.

Your DH was 100% right. Both my kids are skaters and I wouldn't let them without safety gear on.

'Not sure why you have messaged me as I didnt take the girls skating but trust DH did the right thing by not letting her join in,

I'd change by not letting her join in to by keeping her safe.

I would also take out the last bit of she's welcome to come again. Frankly after the way she behaved then told stories to her mother who is kicking up a fuss and thinks the world revolves around her kid there's no way I'd invite her anywhere again.

I probably wouldn't lead with not sure why you're texting me- she probably has more contact with you and automatically texted you instead of him, knowing you're both together. I know I usually text the Mum before the dad.
I'm sorry your daughter was upset- DH has strict rules regarding safety and equipment, which your daughter didn't want to follow. Due to his experience he's seen the results of some pretty horrendous accidents with young people not wearing safety gear, so it's non negotiable to him. Your daughter didn't feel comfortable wearing it, so DH didn't feel comfortable allowing her to participate with his gear in a place she could get hurt. She's welcome to attend any time she wants, but the wearing of safety gear is non negotiable when we are supervising the kids. I hope you understand.

Text sounds fair OP.

FWIW when I was at school someone a few years above died as a result of a head injury sustained while skateboarding without a helmet.

I would remove the “not sure why you are texting me” as it sounds a bit passive aggressive. Otherwise a very reasonable reply. I can’t see how anyone could argue with that!

was your dh wearing all the protective gear?

Yes, always does at the skatepark or when coaching even if he isnt properly skateboarding himself.

And all the time he is 'handling' the situation he is not helping and coaching the children who have followed his instructions.

Basic child rearing, classroom management, behaviour management is spend time and effort with those who are obeying the rules. If you are at an age where you can make a choice and you choose not to join in you choose your consequences.

The children who were following instructions earned the attention, the time and the effort. They deserved the interest because they behaved. The lesson learnt today is follow instructions and you get the attention. All to often the lesson is don't follow instructions and you become the centre of attention.

Too long. And why isn’t dh replying?
But anyway “Fred is sorry that Mabel was upset. However, he made it very clear that she could not join in if she wasn’t wearing the safety gear he provided- and she chose not to, so she could not skate. Fred and Dd hope very much that Mabel will change her mind about the safety gear so she can come on the next trip”

“Seriously? So they all mis out because one child refuses to do something perfectly sensible that all the others were doing without fuss? What sort of a lesson is that for any of them?”

Yes. I have no idea what the friend’s problem was with the safety gear, her behaviour certainly sounds bratty and I totally understand OP’s DH’s insistence on it being worn if they are going to skate. But she obviously wasn’t enjoying the activity as it was, so I would probably have cut it short or found something else for them to do just as I would if I took a bunch of my kids’ friends to any activity where one of them was having a miserable time. And, frankly, I would expect my kid who was hosting to be concerned about one of their friends not enjoying themselves. It’s pretty poor manners to just carry on when someone isn’t having fun.

I would, however, be reluctant to invite the child out again in the near future.

I don’t think you should say sorry in your text OP. It’s like you’re admitting some sort of responsibility or blame on your DH’s part. The girl sounds like an entitled brat, crying because she didn’t get her own way. You shouldn’t have to apologise for that. Your DH was not in any way BU.

Text if fine I would leave out the not sure why your texting me as well it can be read wrong and then the rest of the message which is completely reasonable will be ignored or read wrong? I would also add that as you kids prefer it in the car to on the side when not skating your dh just did as he normally would.

'upsideup* it's goo he wore the kit.

Have you asked for your dd's views on what happened?

Sorry to pester, *you do not need to reply.

Does the other mum know you, even a little? She has your number does she have your husbands, that may be why she sent it to you. That's more of a thought than a question.

Plus today was hot, (here) did the child open the window? With our car you cannot open the window without the key and the car running, that may explain why the car was not a nice place to be (even if you deserve not to be on the skate park).

Unreasonable to send her off to the car like the naughty step

good not goo!

I do think it's a bit sad to think of her sitting in the car by herself for an hour while the others had fun.
Then she's had a lesson in life. Kids don't get to dictate what they will and will not do when someone else, (with more sense than the mother), is responsible for their safety.
If things had gone wrong the mother would have been shouting from the rooftops about neglect.

Prefer BertrandRussell's text reply to be honest.