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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and humiliated that I did not receive a farewell gift from colleagues

193 replies

flippyfloppyflower · 02/09/2018 16:06

Just that really. Left my old post on Friday for a new post starting on Monday and I received nothing from my old colleagues. I wasn't expecting a party but a card and a small token would have been appreciated.
I know this is a first world problem and I shouldn't let it get to me but it has. I also realise that they don't have to so anything but I always thought it was nice to be nice (which they weren't obviously )

OP posts:

Original poster

flippyfloppyflower · 02/09/2018 19:30

I am so sorry to hear that other people also have had rotten leaving experiences. I am hurt because we all got on very well (or so I thought) - I was always being invited to theirs for dinner, parties etc. and they were always invited to mine. For those asking I just got up and said goodnight as always and got the same responses as always.

And thank you again for all the kind words and good luck responses.

OP posts:

WombatChocolate · 02/09/2018 19:37

It's much more likely to be an over-sight rather than a deliberate and planned snub. Still not nice to be over-looked, but it can happen for all kinds of reasons;

people don't realise you're leaving
people think someone else is arranging something
the person who organises such things is away or drops the ball on this one

I agree that there is often great inconsistency regarding leaving,wedding,maternity etc gifts and leaving dos. Sometimes one colleague really goes to town in seeking donations from others - really pushes for generous donations and organsies a big leaving do, whilst other times, an organiser might half heartedly pass an evelope around half the staff when many are away or don't have their purses on them, or leave organsing an event until the last minute when no-one can make it.

In my workplace (school) staff pay £30 a year into a fund. This is then used to buy having a baby, being off on long term sick, wedding gifts - all the with a set scale of how much is given for that event, plus those leaving receive a gift according to how lonmg they have been there (and paid into the fund!). It makes it all much more straight forward and fair. Departments are still free to organise extra gifts or parties, but at least everyone gets something and you don't keep getting that annoying envelope going round for people you don't really know.

Mrsmadevans · 02/09/2018 19:38

OP l understand your hurt and disappointment . I worked for 38 yrs as an NHS community Childrens nurse . I had to pay for my own leaving do, which was in a place l didn't chose, with 2 others who left at the same time . I had a card and a bunch of flowers . Needless to say l refused to go . They had to bring the flowers to my house. I had paid in £2 a month since forever to cover for this sort of thing. I wanted to tell them to stick the flowers right up their backside.
Good luck in your new job and don't look back from me

WombatChocolate · 02/09/2018 19:40

And sorry, meant to say, that I can see why you feel hurt. It really does sound like an oversight, but that's still hurtful as we all like to be noticed and appreciated.
I'd put it down to people not being aware rather than nasty and cruel. I'd imagine that when they realise, a good number will comment to each other and say they feel pretty bad - doesn't help you now, but is likely to be the case. Remember, that if you got on well and spent time with them, went to their houses etc, your gut instinct that they liked you is very very probably right and it's just some unfortunate events that have let this happen. You can feel a bit sad and disappointed, but move on quickly and if you want to maintain contact with some old colleagues, don't let this stop you doing that.

AuntyJackiesBrothersSistersBoy · 02/09/2018 19:43

How exciting....new job! Good luck!

I wouldn’t give it another thought, the gift thing. Moving upward and onward and all that!

Tara336 · 02/09/2018 19:47

18 years and countless contributions to other people’s leaving gifts and I didn’t get so much as a card as was off sick and then medically retired out of sight out of mind I guess

cushioncovers · 02/09/2018 19:49

I had a similar experience I left a job after 14 years and got nothing. The manager didn't even say goodbye or good luck on my last day. I was really hurt. Then about four months after I had left I got a small gift bag with a cheap bracelet (that doesn't fit) and a card with about four signatures in it from them.

CountFosco · 02/09/2018 19:52

I think it depends how active the person organising the collection is. My officemate left a few weeks ago. Her line manager was a bit useless (as a department generally there are too many men for things like leaving collections, my last dept there were women who organised e.g. birthday cards for everyone) so I organised a card and a collection. A week beforehardly anyone had contributed so I walked round all the groups she'd worked in and got over £100. If I hadn't done that she'd have got hardly anything. But it does take someone who cares enough to organise it.

I disagree that if you got nothing it's because you are so unpopular, I would never not contribute to something because I didn't like someone, I give more money if I have managed someone but otherwise it's a standard amount.

Monkee4 · 02/09/2018 20:02

That is so hurtful OP especially as you said you socialise with them and got on well. I cannot believe people like that and the poster who said they don't do it because you will never see the person again so why bother - are you for real??! what a horrible thing to say!
Thankfully most companies are not like this SAD :(
Hope you really enjoy your new job and they are good to you x

eggstoast · 02/09/2018 20:10

Op are you more on the quiet ‘just get on with the job’ kind of person, as opposed to loud drama llama. I don’t think it’s necesarily that they don’t like you, I just think quieter types tend to fly under the radar on these kind of things unfortunately.
Hopefully your new colleagues will be a bit for thoughtful.

Sparklybanana · 02/09/2018 20:29

I worked at my company for ten years and got made redundant on maternity leave. Only one person rang on my last day and she and I had probably only met face to face about 3 times. My colleagues who I’d worked with day by day for a whole decade didn’t get in touch at all. No thanks, no goodbye, no present (haha) and no card. It’s not because they didn’t like me, they’re just men who are just RUBBISH at shit like this. I knew they’d forget so I tried to not let it get to me. They did eventually remember but too late, damage done. I did get the last laugh though, I got a new job with a 20% pay rise.

Sparklybanana · 02/09/2018 20:32

My oh got made redundant too (voluntary) and his colleagues were just as bad if not worse. He actually saw an email talking about a whip around and a card for him and nothing materialised on his last day. At least they said bye to him though!

EvaHarknessRose · 02/09/2018 20:35

It’s august, your manager and colleagues have dropped the ball. Did you really not say any more than goodbye at the end of the day? Did no one say anything at all?

Kewqueue · 02/09/2018 20:38

Just wondering, when you were there were you the usual organiser for sorting out leaving gifts and card signing?
True! I left after 16 years and didn't get anything! I have organised so many gifts for others. I sympathise OP.

Havaina · 02/09/2018 20:38

I've worked closely for years with a large team who expect me to sign all their special occasion cards but have never got me a card.

I think they would expect my own tiny team of 3 to get my card, which is fine. But they know my own team don't do cards.

I've made my peace with this and sign a few cards a month for them. However, I draw the line at contributing to their leaving presents, maternity leave presents, baby presents etc, because I know I will never see this back from them.

Poloshot · 02/09/2018 20:42

They're people who are paid to spend time with you and vice versa at the end of the day. I don't get the pally act at work, forget about it and good luck in your new role.

HelloToYou · 02/09/2018 20:45

And this is exactly why I don't make friends with colleagues - you can't be disappointed in them if you aren't friends with them. Lol.

sunshineNdaisies · 02/09/2018 20:48

I worked in another department where I got badly bullied. When I complained about the bullying, the manager contrived a lot of reasons to have me suspended for gross misconduct, it was all found not proven but caused me so much stress that when I was allowed back to work, about a month later I was taken into hospital with pnemonia which I attribute to stress affecting my immune system. Anyway, I never got a card, flowers or any calls to my home to check how I was. Actually I tell a lie, one colleague sent a card. My mother handed in a note extending my sick leave and made a point of saying to my manager how lovely it was that colleague S had sent a card. A few days later I got a bunch of flowers from the team. When I left, I did get a goodbye present - a £1 bath set thing from poundland. No card. I'm in a different department now, not a great team, but still nicer than the old lot.

Sorry10 · 02/09/2018 20:53

I've always put into collections, I once worked somewhere that always a collection it was a small company but a lady always made sure you got a card on bday. One time I had to arrange collection for colleague who had a special b day she had worked for years everyone put in except the few in a department even though they spoke to bday lady every day so I assumed would be more than happy to put in , I was told no because years earlier no one put in for some guys big bday it was years before I worked there and I think what happened was that we weren't asked but I thought it was odd.
The last place I left I got a card passed round which was nice but the 1 person who didn't sign was a lady I worked with every day for 3 years who I thought we had a laugh and got on but didn't sign my card , when I received card I said that's lovely who organised this ? This lady said nothing to do with me . Very odd I mean what's the problem signing a card someone you sit with .

Applepudding2018 · 02/09/2018 21:07

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. If it was me I would be really upset. Even if I didn't particularly like my old colleagues, if it was the 'done thing' then I would be upset at not being treated as others had.

Congratulations on your new post and hope it works out for you.

brizzledrizzle · 02/09/2018 21:16

@ilovesooty

When I left my last teaching job the people who'd contributed to a leaving gift asked for their money back.

They did what?! Why?

sonjadog · 02/09/2018 21:17

Are you sure they’ve realised you’ve left? If they just said bye as normal, then maybe they haven’t..?

Cherrysherbet · 02/09/2018 21:17

That's so mean op. YANBU, I would be sad too. You're better off without them. Good luck in your new job.

chillpizza · 02/09/2018 21:19

I think gifts for birthdays/babies/leaving from work are stupid. It’s your work not your friends or family. You got paid for your time. Sure if your very friendly with a few they might get you a card but I’d you where that friendly working else where wouldn’t make a difference as you would still be friends. These people are colleges that’s all.

BloodyDisgrace · 02/09/2018 21:52

It happened to me, after 17 years in a workplace, last 6 in management there. Every fart was celebrated with a card and a cake, but I didn't get a card or gift leaving after 6 months on sick leave due to stress. Neither the people whom I managed, nor the colleagues depending on the work of our department scratched their arses.
You'd think "gosh, what did she do to them to be so much disliked?" but I was, by everybody's admittance, a very liberal nice manager.
I wasn't hurt, I was angry but also hugely relieved I left these fuckers behind. I stay in touch with a nice colleague from another department and my friends who still work there.

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