Gender disappointment (5th boy)

[Sequinsglitter]

AIBU to be a bit disappointed?
I am really happy to be have my 5th child but i feel a little disappointed as i was so convinced i was having a girl this time around. I think it's partly because it's not what I was expecting but I can't help but want a little girl sometimes with all these boys

When I had my 2 boys I was more than happy ... as they grew into teens I felt like I wished I’d had a girl ... but I’m grateful and blessed and I would think you will get at least 1 granddaughter one day 😀😀 I’m really looking forward to that ... I hope that thought can help you ... your boys will look after you ;0)

I think anyone if honest with themselves having a third child the same sex as the previous two is a bit gutted. I think most people do conceive that third with high hopes it will finally be a boy or a girl, whatever they dont already have

No i wasnt gutted.I have 5 boys and i love it.I didnt have a preference.
But teh thing that annoys me is when people are mad on my behalf.Or asking me if im gutted .I think thats a very rude thing to presume.

Anyway @Sequinsglitter
Welcome to the 5 boys club.Its awesome.

I knew someone who had 7 boys before she had a girl! She then went onto have another girl. Mad lol.

Well you had 4 boys surely common sense told you this one was probably going to be a boy too.....

I have a cousin like you she has 4 girls and each time after the first hoped for a boy. On the last one she just wanted to try one more time for a boy 🙄 and was shocked when it wasn’t I mean really it wasn’t shocking

You can’t help or choose how you feel, but you can choose how you act going forward. I know many families who definitely wanted a certain sex and it was obvious by the way they treated their children and their excitement over their grandchildren who were the sex they desired. It’s nothing new. You’ve owned and admitted your feelings and now decide what you’re going to do about it. Ask yourself why. It usually something built on experiences or relationships growing up. Or, just wanting to see what it’s like having a daughter. As long as you love and care for your new son to the best of your abilities, nothing wrong with feeling a bit disappointed.

I eyeroll people who use the word be grateful as if that helps people. Nothing like invalidating someone’s feelings because others somewhere else have it worse. You being able to conceive has nothing to do with those of who can’t or struggles. You have no control over that so don’t beat yourself up over it.

And I definitely agree that if this were a dad saying this about girls, he would be getting a lot of sympathy. Something I’ve noticed in my experience. Women saying their disappointment tend to get a flogging regardless of gender but men get sympathy especially when they wanted a boy. Rarely do I see them get slated for wanting a boy so they can do “male” things with them. Yet , a woman says something along the same lines and she is quickly and constantly reminded and told that a girl might not because of xyz.

Of course yanbu.

I'm 38 years old with no children and have suffered multiple miscarriages. I would be over the fucking moon with a girl or a boy.

Get a grip

ZOMBIE THREAD.

JennyGray1979

YABU for dragging up a zombie thread.

You say I am truely gutted to only have boys. You should be ashamed of yourself for even thinking it, never mind saying it.

My mum's got cancer and I can't help but notice it's me she comes to for help not my brothers, what will old age be like with only sons?

Imagine having no children at all and it might make you more grateful but I doubt it. You do know children aren't all about looking after you in your old age?

Honestly, I sometimes think the wrong people are infertile.

This is an old thread. I thought it would have gone away by now.

I have 1 DC whom I struggled through fertility treatment to have. He is severely disabled and will be dependent on us for life. I won't be having any more DC.

I consider my DC a blessing and wouldn't be without him, I have had to give up longing for what can never be and love what I have. Happiness is largely a matter of choice, you fashion it out of what you've got.

Please don't post here where I and others like me can read it. You should be ashamed of yourself. Oh, and here's a grip.

Well said @Livingtothefull

I do like it when Zombie's appear !

YABU btw ... I have 2 of same sex and I love it! The world is full of woe as it is for God sake! ... Enjoy the journey & what's thrown at you.
My awful SIL had baby after baby after baby just to get a girl, utterly bat shit behaviour...just so she could inflict her awful dress style on her.
I lost my mum recently and in no way have I panicked thinking I need a girl.

YANBU. You have a right for a preference of what you want. Everyone does. Some really don’t mind, but some lean more towards one way or the other. I have a girl and a boy. I wanted a third dc and was hoping for another girl. Of course fine w a boy, but hoping girl. Everyone else wanted a boy. Found out we are having a girl and I was thrilled and so was the rest of the family. I love having my boy, but just relate to girls more. After four boys it’s understandable you might want a girl.

People are being obtuse pretending that having a son is the same as having a daughter.

A girl will have the same biological experience of life- menstruation, ability to be pregnant, give birth, breastfeed. Of course there is a possibility of a bonding of life experiences you can’t ever have with a son.

And that’s not even getting to being a woman in a patriarchal society!

Plus i think some of the reasons boys are not as close to their mothers is because they are allowed to be more independent.Allowed rough and tumble.Girls are kept closer and not allowed to be as rough and tumble as the boys.In MOST CASES.

I dragged up a zombie thread simply because it was the only one in gender disappointment my search discovered and it seemed silly to start another when I simply had something of my own feelings to air on the same subject.

I'm genuinely shocked at the nasty responses suggesting that meeting my family's physical, financial, spiritual, educational and emotional needs isn't enough to make me a decent person/mother, to some people I'm unreasnoble to have any wishes or feeling of my own. BTW I'm also struggling to get back into work while struggling with suicidal thoughts thanks to late onset PND and want to loose a bit of tummy fat, and need a haircut. That's nearly four whole things of my own that don't include worshiping my children wholeheatedly- Do start lighting those pitchforks won't you?

I once explained to a friend of mine that our mutual friend's desire for a 7th child was just as valid as her desire for her third. That our feelings are each unique to our own situation and I still think that. There is no hierarchy of pain. We each feel it in our own way for our own reasons. So if you're not struggling with gender disappointment but infertility or not having another child for whatever reason maybe stay off threads about gender disappointment and stick to threads to which you can relate?

For now I think I'll just quit mumsnet and find a fb group on gender disappointment while I find a way to work through my feelings in a more supportive environment.

@JennyGray1979 I had disappointment at 20 weeks with DS2. I had time to grieve for not having a daughter and then to plan my life with 2 boys! Chose a name, called him that while pregnant, got used to him, bought new clothes for him, etc. And now I love being mum to older teenage boys.
And my friend made me godmother to her daughter 2 years later so that's given me a bit of an idea of what it would be like (it's made me glad I have boys!)

You're not BU, you're just human

YANBU at all. It’s like grieving isn’t it

It really, really isn't.

'Grieve' means to feel great sorrow. Just because we often use it when someone's died doesn't make it invalid in other contexts. It's quite ok to say you grieve for lost opportunities, broken friendships, and grieving for the child you didn't have (ie a girl in this case)

JennyGray1979 you show zero insight on here into why so many here would think YABU. You really think it is just about respondents being 'nasty'?

I am really sorry you have suffered with PND and that you get all the the support you need to recover from that. I do believe that it is really important that you should take care of yourself, and it is fine to have wishes and dreams that don't directly involve one's DC. AFAIK nobody here has claimed otherwise.

But when you write about being 'gutted' that your children are all the wrong gender that is really triggering to me. Do you understand at all why that might be? I have worked long and hard to be able to accept my life as it is, with one very disabled, dearly loved and cherished DS in it. To do it I have had to accept that 'what might have been' doesn't exist. There is only 'what is'; I work to make 'what is' as good as it can possibly be.

'My mum's got cancer and I can't help but notice it's me she comes to for help not my brothers, what will old age be like with only sons?' I won't have anyone to look after me in my old age, I will look after my DS until I drop. You guessed it, I have had to come to terms with that too.

Nor do I want to read the word 'grieving' used in connection with the regret for a DC being the wrong gender. Not after I sat in a neonatal unit and saw other parents genuinely having to grieve for DC who weren't as lucky as my DS. So be careful how you bandy that word around.

I just wish this thread hadn't been here, it has really upset me and I can't unread it. I suppose I should be really apologetic about risking derailing it, making it all about me and my circumstances but there you go. You're not the only one who has been hurt JennyGray.

I have one of each. My DS is gentle, sensitive, loves clothes, books, drawing. My DD is a wild tomboy! It’s about their individual personalities not sex.

OP I'm sure you are a lovely human being in real life.

But I'm going to be honest here.

I'm not usually a violent person at all.

But your post makes me want to punch you in the face.

Just the once so that you understand exactly how a statement like your
Opening post can sound to other people.

To those who have struggled to get pregnant, spent thousands on IVF. To those made infertile by awful diseases. To those who have lost babies time after time. To those who would give anything to have one, just one little bundle.

Yep, YABU.

Go and give all of them a hug and a kiss. And give your blossoming belly a rub and thank your lucky stars you're posting on this board and not the infertility or baby loss one.

Good luck with the new baby x

Ahh sucked in by a zombie thread.

Hey ho - still stand by what I said

Personally don't get this 'gender' thing? Surely they can be any 'gender' that they want to be?

Or do you actually mean the 'sex' of a human?

YANBU

It's a completely human reaction to be hoping for one thing and be a bit disappointed if it turns out to be another.
As long as you know (and it sounds like you do!) that there's nothing you can do and will treat him the same as your other boys it's okay!

As for the people who cannot/are struggling to conceive and are telling you you should be happy with anything because at least you are able to carry a child, please ignore them. It is irrelevant to YOU and YOUR life.

Congratulations anyway OP! I wish for all the best. (-: