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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender disappointment (5th boy)

231 replies

Sequinsglitter · 01/09/2018 21:51

AIBU to be a bit disappointed?
I am really happy to be have my 5th child but i feel a little disappointed as i was so convinced i was having a girl this time around. I think it's partly because it's not what I was expecting but I can't help but want a little girl sometimes with all these boys

OP posts:
gizmomonki · 01/09/2018 22:27

@Rednaxela I've got two boys and would have a third child if I could guarantee it was a third boy but as I can't I won't be having Anymore children. Not everyone wants the same thing.

Figgygal · 01/09/2018 22:28

Rednaxela dont speak for other people i wouldn't have wanted a family of both I have 2 boys after ds1 I definitely wanted another boy.

llangennith · 01/09/2018 22:28

YANBU but you know you'll love the new boy as much as your others. Your boys will love having so many siblings to bond with.

macondo · 01/09/2018 22:31

@elquintoconyo imagine having 8 older brothers 😂😂😂😂

ZanyMobster · 01/09/2018 22:31

bringbaackfonzi - I do understand that but part of me just feels the reason people try for another in these scenarios is because deep down they want a particular sex. I think it was just the OPs wording that got to me 'all these boys'!

I don't think anyone is actually saying they prefer a family of all the same sexes over a mixed one (or the other way round) but if you happen to have 2 or 3 of one sex and decide to have another I just find it really odd that people are surprised or disappointed when the sex isn't what they wanted.

cadburyegg · 01/09/2018 22:33

Yes and no.

It’s natural, normal even to have a preference.

I have 2 boys and won’t be having more children, mainly due to financial reasons. I’d have loved to have a girl, but it wasn’t meant to be. I have friends who have disabled children, one child (not out of choice), no children (again not out of choice). We are very very lucky to have 2 gorgeous healthy kids.

Enjoy the children you have. Flowers

OwlinaTree · 01/09/2018 22:33

It's not bad to want to experience parenting both sexes surely? I don't think it makes you ungrateful for what you have?

Maltropp · 01/09/2018 22:34

Rednaxela...really?? I just wanted a baby.. First one tuned out to be a boy and baby no. 2 turned up in stereo as boy twins. I was pleased when I learned the Dt's were boys, I never thought or think "oh I wish I'd had a girl" and never had any thoughts about wanting a "one of each" family. Very happy with my 3 boys, was very irritated by the "are you gong to try for a girl now" comments when I had tiny Dt's.

EwItsAHooman · 01/09/2018 22:34

OP, no matter what anyone here might say, it is very common to be a little bit disappointed that your baby isn't the sex you sort-of-secretly hoped they would be. It doesn't mean you will love your baby any less, that he'll be any less welcomed into your family, or that he'll ever know you were kind of hoping for a girl. It's not wrong to admit that you had a vision in your head of what this baby would be and alongside the vague dreams of baby growing up to be an astrophysicist, winning an Olympic medal, and speaking twenty languages you just so happened to be picturing her as a girl. You've now had it confirmed that your baby is actually a boy and sometimes it takes a few moments or a few days or a few weeks to reconcile that daydream baby with the actual real baby.

I've been there, trust me when I say it'll pass. I wanted DS1 to be a girl and had a little bit of a moment when the scan said boy. I asked the sonographer if she could double check! When i was pregnant with DD I sort of wanted a boy for various reasons. The feelings very quickly passed, had no impact on bonding with my DC, and they'll never know about it. It's not a big deal.

If the feelings don't pass or they grow rather than diminish then please speak to your MW. She isn't going to judge you for it but she will be able to help you Flowers

givemesteel · 01/09/2018 22:35

Rationally yabu, but I get why you feel that way.

I have two dc of the same sex, I'd like a third (which will be our last) so if the third is the same sex as the first two, there will be a part of me that's disappointed I never had the experience of raising the other sex (even though 3 of the same sex is easier with hand me down clothes, toys etc).

I'm not having a third kid to have the other gender child and there are pros and cons to both, you just have to focus on the pros (cheaper, more chance they'll play together, do the same extra curricular activities etc).

RedNed · 01/09/2018 22:35

Rednaxela l wanted same sex siblings and I got 2 dd. I did not want a ds after dd1.

It's ok to be disappointed OP. PP talking about their struggles is sad, but it's not your problem. This affects you so of course you can feel disappointed, but as you've said your happy to be having dc5 and that's the important thing.

ItsColdNow · 01/09/2018 22:39

YANBU to have hoped it might be one sex but you are very unreasonable to be disappointed it’s the other. Presumably after 4 boys you’ve realised they are all completely different and The sex of a child does not determine personality. I have a large family and predominantly 1 sex, I cannot imagine being disappointed and can’t imagine why the sex of a child would matter.
Many people struggle to conceive. I have no issue with wondering what sex it will be but to be disappointed? Then you should not plan it.

Lalliella · 01/09/2018 22:40

YABVVU. Your baby is a person in his own right, a human being, how can the poor thing be a disappointment to you before he has even been born. What a sad start in life for him. You should think about people who can’t have children, they would be so happy to have your little boy, you should be grateful for what you’ve got.

onetimeposter · 01/09/2018 22:41

I think anyone if honest with themselves having a third child the same sex as the previous two is a bit gutted. I think most people do conceive that third with high hopes it will finally be a boy or a girl, whatever they dont already have.
Op will you try qgain?
I wonder if some men produce mainly boy sperm looking at you exHand others girl sperm? Would account for the 4/5+ kids of same sex

EwItsAHooman · 01/09/2018 22:45

In the OP's own words: "I am really happy to be having a 5th child".

Nowhere does she state the baby is a disappointment to her, that he won't be loved, or that he is any less wanted due to being a boy.

She has said she was convinced she was having s girl and is a bit disappointed that it turns out she isn't.

There is nothing wrong with feeling this way. It is incredibly common and many women (and men) experience it but are prevented from talking about their feelings due to condemnation from people harping on about how sad it is.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 01/09/2018 22:46

I promise you- you will love your new DS as much as any DD you may have had - AND if you did have a girl, I can also promise you that she would not be the child of your imagination - she would be her own person and you may have found that difficult to cope with - (but you would still have loved her to bits).

I can understand your disappointment, but you get what you get - and as the mother of both - girls are bloody hard work!

shabbs · 01/09/2018 22:49

I do understand your post but......I have had four sons. Girls are scary probably because I havent had one. 2 of those four boys have died. One of my firstborn twin boys had severe heart problems but managed to battle to almost 7 months before he died. My third son was killed by a reversing lorry when he was almost 8 years old. All children are amazing, challenging, wonderful and scary! Just enjoy every single minute xxx

neveradullmoment99 · 01/09/2018 22:51

YANBU
Its hard. I have 3 boys and refused to have anymore in case I had another boy. Sad but true. I left it a long time and then I felt like I wanted another baby and would have happily had another boy and bingo, it was a little girl. There is no harm in wanting a girl and I think it is perfectly natural.

Original poster
Sequinsglitter · 01/09/2018 22:51

I'm very grateful that I'm a mum and I love my boys more than anything, I'll love this one just as much. When deciding to try for baby number 5 I wasn't specifically trying for a girl, i know it's a 50/50 chance. I'm happy with either i suppose i just wanted to experience having a daughter. My son's are like little versions of DP which is something i love but i find it hard to relate to them sometimes. My thoughts were there may be a chance I'd find it easier connecting with a girl, if that makes sense. When i said "all these boys" i was thinking of the day I'd had, being shot with nerf guns or ignored as they stare blanky at the tv as they play on their playstation

OP posts:
neveradullmoment99 · 01/09/2018 22:53

You do get over the disappointment. I now have 4 boys and two girls. I am closest strangely to my youngest ds.
Shabbs Oh my, you have had it hard Flowers How utterly heartbreaking.

onetimeposter · 01/09/2018 22:56

Good god shabbs
So so sorry x

Tomatoesrock · 01/09/2018 22:57

You can't help the way you feel. It is human nature to want a girl after 4 boys, I am sorry you are disappointed.

YABU in the sense of it is a baby and the joy should not be based on gender. Sure who knows one of thethe boys might want to transition MTF or you might get some lovely DILs and loads of grand daughters to spoil. Smile

puzzledlady · 01/09/2018 22:59

i understand. My husband is one of 4 boys, my mother in law only only had as many as she did as she was trying for a girl. My cousin had 2 boys, wanted a girl, had a boy as a third, she was disappointed. My other cousin had a boy first, got told she was expecting another girl, only to find out at over 30 weeks it was another boy, she was devastated.

I also understand that it is a blessing to have any child- and we should be grateful yes. But i do understand, that you might have some disappointment. I have one of each so i cannot understand what you are going through, but i can sympathise.

Tomatoesrock · 01/09/2018 22:59

Shabbs so sorry Flowers

MrSlant · 01/09/2018 23:07

I did have a few weeks of 'oh but I'ld have been an awesome mother to a girl' sadness when DS3 wasn't DD1 but it was a short lived phase. It turns out he is almost a perfect carbon copy of me just without the second X chromosome and we have a brilliant bond because I just 'get him' and all his little foibles because they make so much sense to me. Trust me you'd still be being shot by 5 lots of nerf guns in your household anyway! Some of the best Fortnite players I know are female Wink. Give yourself 5 minutes for what might have been and then thank your lucky stars that you aren't shelling out a premium for Monsoon dresses (that might just have been my fantasy though). Congratulations on your 5th child, what an amazing household you must have with all those beautiful children causing chaos.

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