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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Gender disappointment (5th boy)

231 replies

Sequinsglitter · 01/09/2018 21:51

AIBU to be a bit disappointed?
I am really happy to be have my 5th child but i feel a little disappointed as i was so convinced i was having a girl this time around. I think it's partly because it's not what I was expecting but I can't help but want a little girl sometimes with all these boys

OP posts:
BakedBeans47 · 02/09/2018 11:58

I still really don’t get all the “grieving the loss of the daughter you dreamed of” guff either. At the end of the day pregnancy is a role of the dice. Whilst having a bit of a preference is IMO OK, “grieving” for something that was only ever a 50:50 chance in the first place, and where you’re still having a baby, is a bit baffling. As are “I’m from a family from largely girls so it’s what I expected”. So am I. It still doesn’t have any impact on the sex of your own babies.

BakedBeans47 · 02/09/2018 12:00

*roll

IcedPurple · 02/09/2018 15:12

I get that SOME people have a gender preference and it must be hard if you don’t get what you want

Why? Life is full of disappointments, big and small. It's part of being an adult that you learn to deal with them. Nobody is owed a baby girl or boy - in fact, nobody is owed a baby, full stop.

If someone is that desperate for a boy or girl, they should either have gender selection or accept whatever they get.

IcedPurple · 02/09/2018 15:19

But society doesn’t allow you to say this as it’s frowned upon. You just get told to get over yourself, get your trainers on and cheer from the sidelines of the football pitch.

Aside from all the out-dated gender steroptypes, I would say 'society' is quite right to say 'get over yourself'. Nobody forces women to get pregnant, at least not in the UK. If you choose to do so, you must know that unless you go for gender selection, there's a 50% chance of the baby being the 'wrong' gender. If you know you'll feel desperately disappointed if this happens, you should not get pregnant, and you certainly should not expect pity if you don't get the 'girl you'd always dreamed of.'

IcedPurple · 02/09/2018 15:22

Keep going OP. Someone I know had nine boys, each time hoping it would be a girl. In her case it was 10th time lucky.

That's appalling advice.

This woman should go on producing kid after kid in the hope (and that's all it is - hope) that she'll be 'lucky' and one kid will finally be the 'right' sex? What will she do if she's not 'lucky'? Give the unwanted boys up for adoption?

I can't help feeling that the replies here would be very different if this was a mother (or worse, a father) who had 4 girls and was really disappointed that the 5th was another girl instead of a boy?

SandyY2K · 02/09/2018 15:42

YANBU.
I felt like that when DC number 2 was another girl...but that was short lived. She's 16 now and a fantastic girl and I love her. I do feel a bit silly for my initial reaction knowing the struggles many have with infertility...but that's how I felt.

DSis felt the same when DC 4 was another girl too. Again it was short lived. Everyone or most people want a mix of genders.

This is partly why I didn't go on yo have a 3rd. I didn't want the pressure or that initial feeling of disappointment when I'm told the gender.

I'm grateful that I have 2 healthy DC and conceived when I wanted without difficulties.

sashh · 02/09/2018 16:12

Girls aren't necessarily what you imagine them to be though, they're not a mini you

This in spades.

My parents wanted a girl, they already had a boy. My grandparents had wanted a girl and only had boys so they wanted a girl grandchild.

I am not what any of them wanted.

I hate shopping, make up and pink. I got my first black dress aged about 5.

I played with electronics and toy guns. I have a motorbike licence.

I could never be fully me when living at home.

SchadenfreudePersonified · 02/09/2018 17:46

I have a friend with 12 brothers. She was the 13th and last child

Finally got it right Fairysnow Grin

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/09/2018 18:19

Tbh I wonder why my son is suddenly a girl just because he goes to ballet....

onetimeposter · 02/09/2018 18:20

Out of I wonder if any abortions are down to it being the wrong sex? Since sex selection is out of the reach of most people.

I think those who keep trying do love the stream of boys or girls that they get. It isn't that they put up with those children-they are loved all the same.

EwItsAHooman · 02/09/2018 18:45

Considering that the vast majority of terminations in the UK take place prior to 10wks gestation, when the sex is still unknown, and that the vast majority taking place after 20wks gestation are due to foetal abnormalities I'd say that the numbers carried out due to a baby being the 'wrong' sex are close to zero.

Caroelle · 02/09/2018 19:03

Much as I love my daughter, my personal and professional experience is that girls, especially teenage girls, are far more difficult in a number of ways.

JennyGray1979 · 28/06/2019 18:48

My boys are 15,13,10 (with first husband) and 1 (with partner of 4 years). I am truely gutted to only have boys. My mum's got cancer and I can't help but notice it's me she comes to for help not my brothers, what will old age be like with only sons? I really don't want another child. I've done enough referring of the first batch (including my partners 3 we don't see anymore) that I honestly advise anyone I meet to stick to one child. I simply can't afford another one, I'd like to get back to working full time and nursery fees for two would be ridiculous. I'm nearly 40 so getting on a bit for more. I had GD, interuterine growth restriction a second c-section and PND and yet if I could guarantee a girl, I know I'd jump at it. I'm even putting off getting the snip till I feel absolutely sure I can give up the idea fof good. My unused child's name is Peggy (Margaret Jean).

HarrysOwl · 28/06/2019 18:57

@JennyGray1979 you just pulled up a zombie thread. And you're totally unreasonable, you have sons. Be grateful, so many people struggle with the pain and heartbreak of infertility.

Napqueen1234 · 28/06/2019 19:03

YANBU. My aunt only had two kids both boys and actually had counselling when pregnant with the second to come to terms with the fact she’s would never have a girl (couldn’t have more kids). Extreme example but it’s completely natural. Be kind to yourself you will love him when he’s here.

blatantchanger · 28/06/2019 19:41

Don't be so hard on yourself. I get it.

I have a lovely boy and I really wanted a boy as my first. I am pregnant now and have found it hard to get pregnant after a miscarriage. I'm so happy to be pregnant and will not finding out the sex. I would really like a girl as one of each would be great. It's nothing against boys, it's just how I feel. Am I'm not a girly girl myself anyway.

I grew up with just a younger brother. I know at times I wanted a sister as well, so I know if I have a boy this time it will be great either way. But I think it's fine to have a desire.

joystir59 · 28/06/2019 19:43

It is sex disappointment. Got nothing to do with gender.

Dickybow321 · 28/06/2019 19:51

YANBU

From a probability point of view surely five boys in a row is the least likely out of all possible combinations (I'm sure a maths boff will come on to correct me), so of course you thought you'd probably get a girl this time .

Dickybow321 · 28/06/2019 19:52

Oh no, it's a zombie thread!

@Sequinsglitter how are you doing now?

ReganSomerset · 28/06/2019 20:02

I think I get it, OP. I didn't think there was a difference before, but IME you get more attention with a baby girl. I've only got DD and she's one, but even now if I dress her in girly clothes I get tons of comments from passers-by, oh she's so sweet, how old is she etc. and everyone interacts with her. If I go out with her in blues, greens, dinosaurs etc they basically ignore her. I'm not sure if this holds true in the experience of other mums, but it's been very noticeable for me. If I have another, in my heart of hearts I think I'll want another girl - I'd be thrilled with a sister for DD and excited to see the differences and similarities, reuse all the little dresses etc, but I'd also slightly feel like I'd missed out on seeing what the other side is like - I do think other adults may respond differently to boys than girls and it would be fascinating to see.

ReganSomerset · 28/06/2019 20:04

Whoops, zombie.

Err, argh.

GabsAlot · 29/06/2019 11:05

You know some girls like playing with guns and clmibing trees and fighting-i hate all this i want a girl in a frill dress stuff

OneStepSideways · 29/06/2019 11:26

YANBU

I would be very disappointed not to have a girl.

Nodancingshoes · 29/06/2019 11:52

Yanbu but I'm sure when you have your baby, the disappointment will fade. I have 2 boys and if I were to get pregnant again, I would hope for a girl. My friend with 2 girls says the same - she would hope for a boy if she got pregnant again. I think that's only natural.

MissKittyBeaudelais · 29/06/2019 11:52

You are ridiculous. It’s not online shopping...you can’t order exactly what you want. Poor kids.