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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving dp with ill dd

195 replies

Smarshian · 01/09/2018 19:36

We have 2 dc, DD who is 20 months and ds 11 weeks. I haven't been out with my friends since before ds arrived and organised a night out tonight in a nearby town with friends and to stay at my friends house. This was discussed with dp and agreed a couple of weeks ago. Do also met friends for dinner for a few hours last Saturday night.
DD has had a vomiting bug today and ds has been particularly clingy. I left at 4pm to go to my friends house and have just had a phone call off dp after the kids bedtime and had an earful as do thinks I should have offered to stay as DD was ill.
So was ibu to have gone out anyway?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 21:17

@Pissedoffdotcom was that aimed at me about a&e? Of course I took my child to a&e, if I didn't explain clearly I meant my child had d&v and went downhill really quickly so we had to get her in quick. I was pregnant at the time so only had one child but if we'd had two it of course would have been easier to have one parent go with the toddler and the other one stay with the newborn away from the d&v.

pictish · 01/09/2018 21:19

“Because you care for the baby in one room away from the vomiting child. Try and have a 'clean room' and you care for one child each to reduce the risk of passing it on.”

You’re just talking absolute rubbish now. Please stop.

CripsSandwiches · 01/09/2018 21:21

Pissedoffdotcom

Really? I am really shocked anyone would find that easier! I totally can't imagine that at all! I found the newborn stage much easier - so much more portable (chuck them in a wrap give them a boob and they were often happy) worse comes to worse I'd chuck peppa pig on for toddler if they weren't sick. You'd be used to coping with it every day anyway.

Puking toddlers are bloody awful because they're absolutely miserable no good at aiming for a toilet/bucket so it gets everywhere and the older, clingier baby won't want to be put down and needs to be kept away from the sick one - awful.

That said obviously its just personal differences not suggesting you're not entitled to have different preferences to me!

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 21:22

You’re just talking absolute rubbish now. Please stop.

You are talking rubbish absolutely... but please don’t stop. It’s such shite it’s amusing me greatly. Grin

RebelRogue · 01/09/2018 21:24

@GreatDuckCookery not if it was his first night out in months and normally did all night wakeups with the baby and other/the majority parenting.

Lookatyourwatchnow · 01/09/2018 21:28

I am so bored of perfectly capable men, who are parents as much as women, being infantilised and pandered to simply because they have a penis. Such double standards. He wouldn't have come home, I bet. You would have been the nagging partner in this scenario.

He was ok to go away overnight when his baby was 8 days old. What's his problem now? He's there looking after his children, so there is no issue.

Don't feel guilty or go home, OP. If you were divorced and it was his weekend, he would have them on his own. He's a grown up who had the capacity to conceive children so should have the capacity to look after them.

Rainycloudyday · 01/09/2018 21:30

Just because someone CAN cope with a shot situation on their own if they have to, doesn't mean it's the right thing to do to leave them to it when it's totally avoidable. Yes single parents cope because they have to but what's the point of a partnership if you just say 'screw you, you will just have to cope' if there's something you can do to make things easier? I wouldn't personally have gone out in this situation and neither would DH. And the people talking about keeping the newborn away from the toddler to reduce infection risk are 100% right, I am confused as to why anyone thinks that's nonsense Confused

BlaaBlaaBlaa · 01/09/2018 21:31

No way would my DH expect me to stay at home in this situation. In fact, he'd be pretty insulted as it would suggest he couldn't cope.

I would probably make sure I didn't go too crazy so I wouldn't be too rough the day after but I wouldn't feel the need to cancel the while thing.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 21:32

CrispsSandwiches i spent 4 years as a nanny with one family in particular who spent most weekends (fri-mon) away leaving me with the three kids...puking kids was my speciality 😂

formerbabe · 01/09/2018 21:33

You shouldn't have gone.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 21:34

I accept I'm over cautious. Probably due to our past experience of dehydration in our eldest but accept that won't happen to everyone. Because of being cautious we would do everything in my power to reduce the risk of that happening to a newborn. We did isolate the newborn at one point (they didn't get it but of course they might not have anyway).

For avoidable trips away we'd cancel to help the other out because it's likely he might not get any sleep and that's bloody miserable for anyone.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 21:35

A bloke who waves his missis off without a word about preferring her to stay home, then rings 4 hours later to have a go needs to grow up.

End of the day every parent is different, as this thread clearly shows. But dp doesn't get to change his mind once op has gone just because he doesn't want to deal with the situation

pictish · 01/09/2018 21:36

“Yes single parents cope because they have to but what's the point of a partnership if you just say 'screw you, you will just have to cope' if there's something you can do to make things easier?“

See i think one of the good things about having a partner to co-parent with is not having to cancel plans when your little one has a tummy bug because the other parent is there to take the reins. It’s not to stay in and have a shit time together. Jesus!

rainingcatsanddog · 01/09/2018 21:36

Yanbu to go out but I'm assuming that going out means that you won't be drunk tonight/hungover tomorrow morning. If it's an occasion that means you won't be able to parent tonight/tomorrow then yabu and should reschedule.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 21:37

@rainingcatsanddog the OP won't be parenting tonight as she's staying at her friends.

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 21:38

Op, I’d be tempted to reply to his little rant with this photo message...

For leaving dp with ill dd
AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2018 21:38

@NotTakenUsername

^AcrossthePond55 How dare you be ill when your kids needed you.
Are you even a woman!?^

I know!! I was afraid The Collective was going to come yank my Mum Card.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 21:39

It’s not to stay in and have a shit time together. Jesus!

No, it's to stay in so both children ( one of them ill ) can be cared for by one parent.

Helpmeyouyetti · 01/09/2018 21:39

My dh has spent evenings with dd who suffers from siezures and a newborn plus 2 more dc. He knew It was something I needed. If things escalated he would call and I would be there in a shot. It’s something grown ups sometimes have to do. Cope on their own while the other person has some time for themselves to be able to function.

ItsColdNow · 01/09/2018 21:43

I would have stayed as would my husband. There are plenty of nights to go out.

ItsColdNow · 01/09/2018 21:46

And not because neither of us couldn’t cope on our own, DP just had 2 dc’s with vomiting bug whilst I was in hospital and coped just fine but it’s crap for one and crap for the kids if it gets worse or they both start. (It may not get worse but god it’s awful if it does)

Aeroflotgirl · 01/09/2018 21:55

He's their other parent too. What do single parents do when there is no partner then. If he was unhappy, he could have raised it with you before you left. What if the kids got hugs whilst he was away for 8 days in Dublin, I bet he would not come back. You enjoy your night!

Lollypop701 · 01/09/2018 22:04

I would have gone, my dh would also have called and I would have welcomed him to the world of parenting. You have not had a night out for over 10 months, and he has had a free pass and a taxi driver. It’s one night and he should have wanted you to have it. Free of reprimand and guilt. I wouldn’t call my dh unless he needed to come home... and even then probably no point as he’d be pissed. I also have no backup, and this makes a real difference as time on your own is gold dust

BewareOfDragons · 01/09/2018 22:07

It's a red herring to say but what about the baby potentially catching it ... you should have stayed home. Because I have zero doubt he would have taken a day off work to help you sort out a sick toddler while you also had a baby at home. Nor would most partners ... because that's what you do when you have work, you get on with it and the SAHP has to cope.

Here, the question is solely should the OP feel bad about going on with her plans. I say she shouldn't. He's their parent. He can get on with it for an evening by himself. Seriously. No, it won't be fun, but he should be able to cope just fine, just like you would if the situation was reversed.

I imagine he wouldn't have cancelled his trip to his friend's wedding when the baby was 8 days old if the toddler had been sick. Or expected not to go out to a long looked-forward evening when he hadn't had one in a long time under similar circumstances.

I think he was a dick for calling you to complain about you going out.

BewareOfDragons · 01/09/2018 22:08

ANd, wow, first night out in 10 MONTHS and he's complaining?

He LEFT you with an 8 DAY old and a toddler to go to a wedding.