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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

For leaving dp with ill dd

195 replies

Smarshian · 01/09/2018 19:36

We have 2 dc, DD who is 20 months and ds 11 weeks. I haven't been out with my friends since before ds arrived and organised a night out tonight in a nearby town with friends and to stay at my friends house. This was discussed with dp and agreed a couple of weeks ago. Do also met friends for dinner for a few hours last Saturday night.
DD has had a vomiting bug today and ds has been particularly clingy. I left at 4pm to go to my friends house and have just had a phone call off dp after the kids bedtime and had an earful as do thinks I should have offered to stay as DD was ill.
So was ibu to have gone out anyway?

OP posts:

AcrossthePond55 · 01/09/2018 20:57

He was very U to call you and give you an earful. If he had a problem with you going, he should have said so before you left. Not that you should have cancelled if he did, but it's very rude to call someone when they're out just to yell at them!

Fathers are just as capable of caring for sick DC as mothers are. My DH once had both our sons AND me terribly ill with a 3 day vomiting bug. He managed just fine. Things may not have been done the way I would have done them, but everyone survived.

This is a good learning experience for your DH.

Legageddon · 01/09/2018 20:57

I wouldn’t have gone.
DH wouldnt have gone and left me alone with a vomiting toddler and a potentially sick newborn (you said the baby was clingy).

Nights out can be rearranged. It’s rotten being left alone when kids are ill and whilst I get single parents have to do this all the time I doubt they would say it’s ideal.

Sorry I think he was right and if I’d been called out when he was clearly having a tough time I’d have apologised and gone home.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 20:57

Why bother asking if you're being unreasonable FFS OP if you're going to throw a strop when told you are?

pallisers · 01/09/2018 20:58

I think given that you had agreed that you would go, it was unfair for him to call you other than to tell you that they were coping ok.

But this

Tell him to grow the fuck up and get on with being a dad.

Really? like previous posters, with a newborn and a toddler with a vomiting bug, I'd have cancelled and would expect dh to cancel too in similar circumstances. it is no fun dealing with a vomiting toddler while trying to feed/change/mind and not infect a 3 month old with the same bug. If dh told me to "grow the fuck up and get on with being a mum" as advised here I'd probably reassess my relationship entirely. Wouldn't want to be married to someone so agressive, rude, reductive, and angry.

the "they only want mum" thing is ridiculous.

pictish · 01/09/2018 20:58

But she’s not.

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 20:58

AcrossthePond55 How dare you be ill when your kids needed you.

Are you even a woman!?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 20:59

In your opinion Pictish but not mine and a lot of other posters it seems.

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 21:01

I don’t think op threw a strop. I think her wee husband did when he realised he’d biten off more than he could chew...

HashTagLil · 01/09/2018 21:04

Amirite!?

I hear you sister!

OP, YANBU.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 21:04

It's interesting to see what posters think is more important? Going on a night out or trying to reduce the risk of a newborn baby getting a sickness bug?

Clearly some think a night on the lash is more important. (I have nothing against nights on the lash- but would of course cancel if needs be)

ShowOfHands · 01/09/2018 21:05

Not sure why people are arguing about whether a mother should go out in this situation as there's no right or wrong answer.

Personally, I could not leave an ill 20mo overnight nor leave an 11 week old overnight full stop. Personal preference. And if a dc was unwell, while dh would be more than capable of managing and might even encourage me to go out, I wouldn't and nor would DH. He goes to work when they're ill, has been deployed abroad for months on end but when there's a free choice, we'd do it together.

SpiritedLondon · 01/09/2018 21:05

Also not all of us have the luxury of mother/mil/friend helping out whether day or night. We have only ever had babysitters that we have paid for. Our family live a long way away and all our friends have their own children to deal with

I'm not entirely sure what this is in reference to. Lots of people don't have family nearby to help - myself included. I wouldn't have left my partner to deal with it on his own irrespective of the fact that he's extremely capable. I get that it's disappointing but I think a bit of teamwork in these situations can make a shit situation a bit more bareable.

CripsSandwiches · 01/09/2018 21:07

Pissedoffdotcom

I totally agree that he should have spoken up in the first place. I could understand if he gave it a shot but then realised he wasn't coping and asked OP to come home.

I totally disagree though about preferring to be home with a newborn then a sick toddler and slightly older baby. I know it's totally personal but the puking toddler and clingy older baby would be my idea of hell. I'd much rather go one on one in that situation - obviously it's personal though!

pictish · 01/09/2018 21:08

“It's interesting to see what posters think is more important? Going on a night out or trying to reduce the risk of a newborn baby getting a sickness bug?“

How does staying at home reduce the risk?

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 21:08

Oh so many condascending comments aimed at those of who would leave our perfectly capable partner to, well, parent.

pictish · 01/09/2018 21:09

If you don’t cancel your night out, are you even a mother?

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 21:11

Clearly some think a night on the lash is more important.

Did I miss the part about op being on the lash? I read she was out with friends.

I mean damn her for prioritising her friendships and ultimately her mental health instead of sacrificing her whole life to the gods of motherhood.

In fact. Forget damn her. Curse her...

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 21:11

Because you care for the baby in one room away from the vomiting child. Try and have a 'clean room' and you care for one child each to reduce the risk of passing it on. We've done this in the past. It also means that you don't have to take both children to a&e or OOH if the toddler deteriorates (this has happened to us before with dehydration, it happens frightening quick).

I know it's not possible all the time or in every situation but a night out can be rearranged.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 21:12

crispssandwiches see my personal idea of hell is a toddler unable to entertain themselves for long & a screaming newborn not yet into a routine & still needing constant attention. I survived because my DD is old enough to occupy herself & understand that mummy is stuck atm.

Older newborn & pukey toddler? Piece of cake in comparison to me 😱

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 21:13

I mean damn her for prioritising her friendships and ultimately her mental health instead of sacrificing her whole life to the gods of motherhood.

It's one night, I'm sure the toddler will be better by Monday so can go out any other time. I also do prioritise my children over my friends. Doesn't everyone?

POPholditdown · 01/09/2018 21:13

Are you sure he’s not just got caught up between two crying children and rang you for a vent?

There’s been many, many threads on here where the dad has gone out for the night, with the mum venting about dealing with one sick child and expecting the dad to stay in (and varied replies of ‘ring him now OP and get him to appear home within 30 seconds!!) But I imagine it all blows over the next day.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 21:13

If this had been a man going out for the night leaving his wife to look after a poorly child and an 11 week old I'm convinced he would have been hung drawn and quartered.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 21:14

Whoah so it isn't okay to leave your ill kid at home but it is okay to let them go to a&e without you?! No chance

youarenot · 01/09/2018 21:15

I wouldn't want to leave any of mine when ill and my eldest is 7.

I have 3, all 3 had chicken pox at the same time, well 1 had it and just as he was recovering the others got it - including the baby.
My DP went out on the 'lash' and I had all 3 of them needed me/something/cuddles/food/drink etc from me after not sleeping properly in 10,000 days! (maybe not, but roughly 16 months at that point) Not overnight but may as well have been because he left at 7am and got back 1am (worked early start, finished work before lunch and straight out) very much worse for wear so no help at all, would have preferred him to stay out actually as the following day was bad as he was VVV hungover.

I've been left to sort the children out whilst they (and I!) had a bug too - but at the time only had 2. 3 years and 4 months.. Not nice, very hard work, not something I'd ever leave anyone to deal with alone.

Thebluedog · 01/09/2018 21:17

He’s their dad, he’s being unreasonable and shouldn’t have called you, let alone given you an earful

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