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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving dp with ill dd

195 replies

Smarshian · 01/09/2018 19:36

We have 2 dc, DD who is 20 months and ds 11 weeks. I haven't been out with my friends since before ds arrived and organised a night out tonight in a nearby town with friends and to stay at my friends house. This was discussed with dp and agreed a couple of weeks ago. Do also met friends for dinner for a few hours last Saturday night.
DD has had a vomiting bug today and ds has been particularly clingy. I left at 4pm to go to my friends house and have just had a phone call off dp after the kids bedtime and had an earful as do thinks I should have offered to stay as DD was ill.
So was ibu to have gone out anyway?

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 19:52

I would have stayed to try and keep the newborn isolated and expected the same in return. You really don't want an 11 week old to get a tummy bug if you can help it.

museumum · 01/09/2018 19:53

I think if the nearly 2yr old would be vomiting all night and the less than 3mo old still has 2/3 feeds a night then we’d both stay home overnight to try to tag-team.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 19:54

Not to me it isn't! You can either take care of your kids or you can't...the reasoning behind it shouldn't matter! Otherwise OP could be justified in kicking off about any time she is ever left alone with the kids when they're ill.

A sick bug is a pita granted, but it isn't the end of the world.

GinIsIn · 01/09/2018 19:56

No, I wouldn’t have gone. Because I know DH would never expect me to have to deal with a puking toddler and a tiny baby alone. And also if DS was sick I wouldn’t want to leave him.

Rebecca36 · 01/09/2018 19:56

i don't think you should have gone as partner was so ill. Many of asked if he would have cancelled night out had roles been reversed but it isn't tit for tat. He probably wouldn't now!

Still no harm done. Life moves on.

MrsJBaptiste · 01/09/2018 19:58

I'm all for going out and wouldn't cancel my plans at the drop of a hat but being stuck with a vomiting 2 year old and a baby isn't easy on your own. I probably would have cancelled tonight espe ially as you were out last Saturday too. However DH would do the same in that position too.

neveradullmoment99 · 01/09/2018 19:58

I would have cancelled and re- arranged it another time purely because I wouldn't have enjoyed being out and would have worried about them. I would not have stayed for my dh's sake.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 19:58

A sick bug is a pita granted, but it isn't the end of the world.

It could end up more than a pita if the newborn catches it though. For me it's nothing about a grown adult being able to care for a poorly child, it's about reducing the risk of the other one getting poorly.

YouTheCat · 01/09/2018 20:00

She wasn't out last Saturday - her partner was.

She waved him off to Dublin 8 days after giving birth. He should be able to handle a bit of vomit.

TheFairyCaravan · 01/09/2018 20:01

I’d have stayed and DH would have too.

EachPeachPearRum · 01/09/2018 20:02

No I wouldn't have left him with two small children one with a vomiting bug but then I wouldn't want to be left in that situation. I'd have wanted to keep the baby separated as well.

apostropheuse · 01/09/2018 20:03

If it were just the 20 month old being ill I might have gone out, probably not for the overnight though - just for the evening. But, factoring in the 11week old, I would have stayed and either looked after the tiny baby or the ill 20month old, leaving the DH to look after the other child, in an attempt to keep them apart and not spread the illness.

I don't think I could have relaxed enough to leave my children in that situation, at their ages, for that amount of time.

I think, to be honest, if this was reversed and your DH had gone out and left you to get on with it people would be telling you that he was selfish and needed to support you.

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 20:04

Unlucky for those people who have to deal with these things alone then hey!
For me it's DP being petty because he's pissed off you've gone out and he only had them shy of 4 hours before calling you otherwise he would have pulled you up before you left. Is that not the grown up thing to do or am I missing someything

RebelRogue · 01/09/2018 20:05

It's not tit for tat,but quite a few men expect their life and plans to go on unchanged because dealing with kids,ill or not, is wifework. And when they do look after their own kids it's seen as "babysitting " , "helping out" or doing their wife/partner a massive favour.

halcyondays · 01/09/2018 20:06

Yes I would have stayed and so would my dh.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 20:07

When you have to deal with it by yourself you have no choice, my husband works away a lot of the time so if they're poorly it's tough shit, but I wouldn't expect him to go on a night out if a child had a sickness bug with a newborn in the house.

sunstarsmoon · 01/09/2018 20:07

Sounds like your partner wouldn't of stayed in if the kids were ill on a planned night out for him and I suspect you would of told him to go out and enjoy his night. So stop feeling guilty and enjoy your night out. He is also a parent and can pull up his big boy pants.

pictish · 01/09/2018 20:07

My dh is perfectly capable of looking after our kids, ill or otherwise...and always has been. I would have gone with no qualms.
Mind you, my dh wouldn’t have bothered me, making me feel guilty about doing so...he would have tucked his little one up on the sofa and given her lots of love, while I had fun with my friends. It wouldn’t have occurred to me to cancel my night out.

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2018 20:09

If you just had the one child I would say it would depend how ill your dd is, how much she was vomiting and how clingy she was for her mummy. However I would have stayed to isolate your tiny baby. They can get dehydrated even faster than a not yet 2 yo.

I think you should not drink and duck out early so you’ll be home tonight. It really isn’t about top trumps. It’s about your dcs.

Did you cope just fine when he went away and left you when your ds was a newbie? Is this what it’s all about? I’m confused.

Pinkgeorge · 01/09/2018 20:09

I would have stayed away if only to prevent my friends picking up the bug

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 20:09

pictish mine would too. And if i messaged asking how the kids were i would be firmly told to stop worrying & enjoy myself. If things changed he would call. Simple

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 20:10

I think given you left at 4pm this is probably why he's annoyed given one child is ill and the other is tiny.

I probably would have stayed at home too.

skunkatanka · 01/09/2018 20:11

My dh is massively capable but I would have not gone (neither would he in the reverse situation) because it's horrible looking after vomiting kids and much easier with two of you there. I think it also shows your children that you love and value them more than a night out with your friends to be honest. "You are ill and you come first".

SD1978 · 01/09/2018 20:12

If you have the kind of relationship where you would expect him to stay, then yes. Personally, I would expect all hands on deck- a vomiting 2 year old and a new born is a two person job. A hungry baby and a two year old crying and covered in spew would be easier dealt with by two. As the mother, if my partner had still gone, I'd be pretty pissed of at that and would think he was a bit of a selfish prick.

bluemascara · 01/09/2018 20:14

He is bu here
Please don't feel guilty... if it were him
Going out not an eye lid would have been batted
Kids get sick, that's life
If you were to wait for a good time to have a night out as a parent, you'd never flipping go over the door
Enjoy your night