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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For leaving dp with ill dd

195 replies

Smarshian · 01/09/2018 19:36

We have 2 dc, DD who is 20 months and ds 11 weeks. I haven't been out with my friends since before ds arrived and organised a night out tonight in a nearby town with friends and to stay at my friends house. This was discussed with dp and agreed a couple of weeks ago. Do also met friends for dinner for a few hours last Saturday night.
DD has had a vomiting bug today and ds has been particularly clingy. I left at 4pm to go to my friends house and have just had a phone call off dp after the kids bedtime and had an earful as do thinks I should have offered to stay as DD was ill.
So was ibu to have gone out anyway?

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 20:37

The H would be going to work which isn't optional not like a night out.

kaytee87 · 01/09/2018 20:37

I'd have stayed in I think to keep the newborn in a clean room whilst your partner could deal with puking toddler.

He should have phoned and had a go at you though. He should have asked you to stay before you went out if that's what he wanted.

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 20:37

Of course plenty of people can and do deal with multiple children when one or more are unwell but why on Earth wouldn't anyone try and keep the newborn away from the bug? Toddlers deteriorate quickly enough when dehydrated but newborns are so vulnerable.

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 20:38

The H would be going to work which isn't optional not like a night out.

Oh but duck, what if the baby needs fed or a nappy while the other is throwing up.

Hmm
pictish · 01/09/2018 20:39

“Right but what if the baby is awake needing a feed/crying or nappy change and the other child is up being sick and needs seeing to?”

OMG! Help! Murder! Polis! Someone will surely perish!!

Or maybe the p[arent at home will just cope with doing both. Imagine!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 20:40

During the day it's easier to rope in your mother/MIL/friend etc to help out, not that easy in the middle of the night.

kaytee87 · 01/09/2018 20:42

And I'll add that I would ask DH to stay home in those circumstances too.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 01/09/2018 20:42

Right but what if the baby is awake needing a feed/crying or nappy change and the other child is up being sick and needs seeing to?

Oh for fucks sake what do you think single parents and people with more than two children do!? You wouldn't say that if gendersbwere reversed and you know you wouldn't.

My DH would (and has) changed plans because one of ours he a sick bug. If he wanted you to stay and asked you too I would think that a reasonable request. However he didn't ask did he? He let you go out and then rang you to throw a tantrum I am guessing it was harder work that he thought it would be. It wont do anyone anh harm. Hope you have a good night

jpclarke · 01/09/2018 20:42

Your daughter is sick, they only ever look for mommy when they are young and sick. I would of cancelled, nothing to do with how good dp is I couldn't sit and enjoy myself knowing my child was sick and looking for me. She will probably be up during the night sick too. They are babies.

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 20:42

Oh give over. What about your father or father in law? Couldn’t you rope them in of a night, no?
I believe men are allowed to drive on their own after dark.

beclev24 · 01/09/2018 20:43

Also the wedding example is not the same at all- neither child was sick and weddings are significant occasions that can’t be postponed, unlike random nights out with friends

SandraTheBee · 01/09/2018 20:43

Yes, I would have stayed.

Needahairbrush · 01/09/2018 20:43

Not what you asked but... maybe you’ve infected your friends with a vomming bug by going out?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 20:45

Oh for fucks sake what do you think single parents and people with more than two children do

In this situation they'd probably struggle.

NotTakenUsername · 01/09/2018 20:45

Your daughter is sick, they only ever look for mommy when they are young and sick.

What a lot of shit. My dad was always my go to when I was poorly. Even when I started my periods - every month, 2 painkillers and a hot water bottle from my dad and I was soon on my way to feeling betters

Fireworks91 · 01/09/2018 20:45

I wouldn't have gone. Either of us would have coped ok on our own however.

premiertav · 01/09/2018 20:45

I would have stayed. I wouldn’t enjoy a night out knowing one of mine were ill. I would want be home with them.

Iwillorderthefood · 01/09/2018 20:46

Everyone saying it’s not the same that OP’s DH went way on day 8 post birth has obviously forgotten what those days are like. Sore from the birth, lochia, toddler demanding attention, newborn feeding every 2 hours or less. Newborn not sleeping all night, toddler waking really early. What’s different? At this point OP may not even have been discharged from the community health visitor, yet it was ok to leave OP to suck it up. Which gets the attention first at this point? The DH needs to see if he wanted support now, then he perhaps should not have dropped the OP in it post birth. Sorry I may be letting an ongoing issue in my life influence my thinking, but seriously.

Sparrowlegs248 · 01/09/2018 20:47

I wouldn't have gone. A vomiting toddler is horrendous, and you really don't want the baby to get it. Ds1 puked all over me, himself, his cot, the carpet. Husband had to deal with dc2 and asset with the clean-up. It would have been awful had I been on my own. Yes I could have done it (and have). But it's preferable with 2.

CripsSandwiches · 01/09/2018 20:48

As others have said unless it was a very significant event (best friend's hen night or something) I would have stayed as would my DP. Obviously both of us could have managed on our own if we had to but a sick toddler and clingy newborn alone is a bit of a nightmare and it would be easier two of you.

Original poster
Smarshian · 01/09/2018 20:49

I get the point about keeping newborn isolated but you can fuck off with the "your daughter will only want you in the middle of the night and you've abandoned her to go drinking with your friends". She is happy and upbeat and loves her dad. Don't try to guilt me into thinking she will only want mummy as that's simply not true.
Also not all of us have the luxury of mother/mil/friend helping out whether day or night. We have only ever had babysitters that we have paid for. Our family live a long way away and all our friends have their own children to deal with.

OP posts:
pictish · 01/09/2018 20:50

“The H would be going to work which isn't optional not like a night out.”

My granny would have loved you. She was found of saying archly, “We’re not put on this earth to enjoy ourselves, we’re put here to work.”, and she bloody meant it.
She was a pinchy-faced old stick right enough. Never liked her.

Our social life is important too.

CripsSandwiches · 01/09/2018 20:50

Personally 8 days post partum I was OK and wouldn't have minded if DP went out for just one night but obviously that's personal and would totally sympathise with anyone who preferred to have their DP stay in with them.

I think the important thing though would be to communicate it in advance. I certainly wouldn't accept my partner going out then phone to complain about it after they'd left. If I wasn't coping I might ask them to return early perhaps.

CherieBabySpliffUp · 01/09/2018 20:53

Waiting for the OP to update saying it's a reverse Hmm

Pissedoffdotcom · 01/09/2018 20:53

Apparently blokes aren't very good adults it seems. Why didn't he speak up before hand instead of part way through?

As for the whole 'it was different when dp went away because...' what a crock of shit. I'd take the situation now over being alone with a newborn & a toddler any day of the week