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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

....to feel upset coming home after work?

205 replies

PandorasBag · 01/09/2018 18:16

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 01/09/2018 18:27

I honestly don’t understand what the issue is, your DH treated your DD to lunch? By your own account nothing expensive or over the top and you’re distressed by it? Unless money is very tight and you now couldn’t afford to go out next weekend if you wanted, I think you’re being unreasonable.

I’d expect my DH to treat the kids at points when I’m working and he’s not - it’s not a big deal at all in the same way I’ll treat them sometimes when he’s working and sometimes we’ll all go together.

You sound a bit worn out and maybe in need of some tlc yourself after a busy summer but it’s not fair to begrudge your daughter her birthday celebrations.

cansu · 01/09/2018 18:28

I think you are being slightly odd to be jealous that your dad and dh have been out for lunch. If you have an issue with your dh not wanting to go out for lunch with you then that is different and you need to address that with him. It really has nothing to do with your daughter.

OakElmAsh · 01/09/2018 18:31

Unless there's something else going on here, like them being unpleasant to you about it, then I see nothing wrong with them going out to lunch while you were working - I remember going out for lunch with my dad when we were out running errands while my mother was working, and those are lovely memories

Starlighter · 01/09/2018 18:31

What?? DH takes DD out for lunch and you’re upset about that?! Very strange reaction, OP.

Floralnomad · 01/09/2018 18:31

I think using the word distressed about someone going out to lunch without you is a bit OTT , just because he’s been out to lunch today it doesn’t stop you from going out to lunch next week . That said your daughter should have been looking for work well before she graduated .

gamerchick · 01/09/2018 18:33

So you're husband spent some quality time with his daughter and you're jealous?

Come on OP, you sound extra tired and need to recharge your batteries.

HollowTalk · 01/09/2018 18:33

Realistically, is your daughter going to spend Saturday afternoon looking for graduate jobs?

NerrSnerr · 01/09/2018 18:33

You can still go out for lunch again next week.

PotteringAlong · 01/09/2018 18:34

But they were in town and hungry today; why would they wait until next week?

gamerchick · 01/09/2018 18:34

*your ffs

PinkHeart5914 · 01/09/2018 18:34

Distressed 😂 wtf? Are you quite alright?

A dad took his dd out for lunch Shock the bastard that is all I can say, how could he take his own child out for lunch!

Your response was unbalanced your dh is right.......

SilverHairedCat · 01/09/2018 18:35

Big over reaction on your part I'm afraid. Distressed? Is that the word you used with him?

Story: dad and daughter fail to get stain out of top despite attempting to. Dad and daughter go on errand to shops. Daughter is hungry. Dad pays for lunch.

Not really headline grabbing, distressing content I'm afraid.

Take the top to a specialist cleaner. And send your daughter some links to jobs.

XiCi · 01/09/2018 18:35

Your DH is right, you were massively unreasonable. You should be happy that your DH and DD have the sort of relationship where they can go off shopping and have a lovely lunch. You sound unbelievably tired and I know I can get unbelievably grumpy when I am so I do understand feeling at the end of your rope but I think you owe him an apology

FuckNuggets · 01/09/2018 18:35

You sound very jealous of your daughter. Confused

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 01/09/2018 18:36

Sounds like they were hungry and stopped for lunch. I don't understand why you're cross Confused

Is there a back story here?

Rebecca36 · 01/09/2018 18:36

You're just tired. Don't spoil things for others because of that. Put your feet up now and relax.

(The silk top should have been taken straight to the dry cleaners, not messed about with. A good cleaner can work wonders!)

MrsMozart · 01/09/2018 18:37

You sound stressed and overly sensitive.

Maybe a day out with just your DH. Have some chill time.

Butterymuffin · 01/09/2018 18:39

I'm going to assume, OP, that this is one of those 'straw that broke the camel's back' moments and that you're feeling like this because in general terms, it seems like you do a lot for others and it gets taken for granted, and you don't get consideration / a fuss made of you. Am I right?

SoyDora · 01/09/2018 18:40

You are distressed that your husband took your DD out for lunch? YABU I’m afraid.

Needahairbrush · 01/09/2018 18:41

In the nicest way - get a grip. It’s weird to be jealous of your daughter for this.

MattBerrysHair · 01/09/2018 18:41

Op, in the nicest possible way, you are YABVU! Why shouldn't dd and dh enjoy some quality time together just because you're at work? You can still all go for lunch together next week. Unless it is a matter of limited finances then you really don't have any reason to feel distressed. Do you always wait to include your whole family to go for lunch or a coffee and cake? If not, then neither should dd and dh.

Sparklesocks · 01/09/2018 18:41

Can you ask to go out for lunch a different day? Why are you distressed by it?

I feel like this should be separate conversations. If you feel your daughter is not working hard enough to find work that’s one thing (although if it was agreed she would start after her birthday, has that only just passed?) but I don’t understand what is has to do with lunch?
And if you feel your husband doesn’t give you adequate thanks for help/support you give him then that’s another separate chat, but I’m confused about why they’re all linked?

Fairylea · 01/09/2018 18:42

Unless money is very tight and this isn’t something you can afford I really don’t understand why you’re so upset! Surely you can go out for lunch next week too? You seem very hard on your dh and dd.

Zoflorabore · 01/09/2018 18:42

Distressed is a word I would associate with hearing bad news/watching horrific images on the news/hearing of cruelty to children or animals.

It's a bit over the top op.

supersop60 · 01/09/2018 18:43

I'm with butterymuffin here. It sounds like you've had a lot on your plate, and just wanted some tlc. You are very tired, and that always makes things seem worse.
Are you worried about seeing your mother?

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