....to feel upset coming home after work?

[PandorasBag]

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

If you just wanted sympathy and support, YABVVU to post in AIBU.

Maybe the lunch outing wasn’t to thank her for running the errand with him, but more to cheer her up after ruining her blouse? A few years from now, when she’s left home and her busy life doesn’t include you or your DH too much, you will be happy with the memories of her spending time with you and your DH.

Huh?

Are you very sensitive to being left out?

Or maybe the lunch outing was just because they were in town at lunch time and both hungry?

I don't get it.
So, your husband taking your daughter out for lunch is an extension of a 'summer of festivities'? And you feel that either he shouldn't have taken her for lunch or that he should take you for lunch more often?
I don't get it!!

For clarification the family meal we've just had was supper round the kitchen table.

For a long time we were very hard up indeed as a family so going out for meals or - even a cup of coffee while out in town - was something we just didn't do. So though we've always eaten well, and are better off now, having a meal in a restaurant as opposed to waiting till getting home or buying a cheap sandwich if we've been delayed and are very hungry is still a bit of a rare treat. Usuall planned in advance. My husband really is not good at planning surprises or treating me - apart from birthday or Xmas gifts. And yes, I've been working very hard around my daughter's birthday and also to support my husband. As well as in my own job.

But there's time for me to talk to him about this and life will go on...

But you were at work.

Don't you want them to get on?

Don't you understand that no one else is in your head hearing the bell announcing the end of a summer of festivities.

You are unbelievably unreasonable.

I think you need to be really, really careful about what you say to your husband.

He took your daughter out for lunch. You used to be poor and that didn't happen then and doesn't often happen now - but you can afford it now; and it sounds like it was a good thing for them. It's unfortunate that you were at work and that you're very tired and emotional; but leave it be. Talking to him now will come across as being jealous of your daughter and unhappy that he took her out.

Arrange something for you all when you're off next week.

OP I actually think you are vey controlling. You have no 'right' to be upset although I know you think you have. Please stop being a martyr and expecting other people to make you feel better.

@Pandorasbag

Yeah very odd reaction OP.

I get that you feel tired/fed up/stressed with work, (maybe in a job you don't much like by the sound of it.) But your daughter only graduated 9-10 WEEKS ago, after working hard for 3 YEARS to get her degree. (And being in full time education for some 13 years BEFORE that, including 4-5 years of GCSE and A level study and exams...)

And she is now letting off steam, chilling, partying, and fucking around for a bit! Good for her! You're a long time a responsible adult, and a short time a kid/student/young person with no responsibilities. Cut her some slack!

TBH, as a few posters have said, you sound rather jealous of her youth and freedom, and her friends, and maybe her relationship with your husband (her step-dad I presume?)

You should be happy she is having a fun life right now. Some people of 21/22 have already tied themselves down with mortgages and debts and kids; your daughter is still living a great single carefree life.

Good for her! Don't resent her for it!

And these 'oh you must be over-worked and under-appreciated' comments don't wash to be honest. Every woman feels like that sometimes, but they don't resent their children having dinner with their husband!

Distressed🤣🤣🤣 that’s hilarious

Maybe your DH has a point. You seem awfully pent up over nothing are you sure there isn’t an issue with you visiting your mother?

Do you feel unappreciated at home, OP? Do you feel you're working hard and they're treating themselves, when they could have waited for you so you could've all had a treat together?

If meals out are not routine in your household then it is an entirely different situation than in a household where eating out is a matter of simple hunger = get food. Presumably in the OP's house eating out = treat. Therefore responses should see it in that light perhaps?

It sounds like overspill from stress caused by feeling unappreciated. I can imagine that if my husband had never ever taken me out for an impromptu lunch but then decided to go for one with my kids on a day when I couldn't go, I might feel a bit miffed.

I have been thinking back to when I graduated and my daughter's current situation.

In addition to the festive period between the end of her exams and graduation, she's had two months when she has been travelling in Europe with her boyfriend and stayed in a villa with his parents. She's also been to a music festival, stayed with friends in the country and been on a UK holiday with us - we took her boyfriend with her. We also made sure she had a good birthday with friends. She'll be staying with us as she looks for work, but we've not yet raised the questions of whether she should sign on/make a contribution to expenses while she looks for work. Our intention was perhaps to have had the discussion but time has slipped away.

After I graduated I did have a brief UK holiday with friends. However, I couldn't really return home - my father had been abusive. So I stayed temporarily with various friends, but it really was a priority to get a job quickly so I could afford to rent somewhere and I had got this fixed up by autumn.

My daughter's situation now is just very different from the one I was in. But in fact today was the day she had earmarked for getting started on putting her CV together etc - and after a false start earlier on. (She'd got upset about something small but not really told her father/my husband what was going on, and he'd not really asked over their lunch.)

You just sound jealous of your daughters youth, freedom and privilege. I’m sorry for you that you had a less pleasant start in life than she did, but don’t take it out on her. You’ve set her up well, it sounds, and been supportive and good parents. Don’t ruin it with neurosis now.

You should be pleased that your daughter is in a better situation that you were at the same age. You sound as though you are jealous and begrudge her things - which is a horrible attitude to have to your own child.

I don't think I am doing. A couple of minor things - once while I was out, and another thing when I was back - seem to have revealed that she was feeling quite upset/apprehensive about the future, and I got her talking about it.

I think the person I feel fed up with is my husband. I'm sure he meant well by taking her out for lunch - though I'd rather he waited till I could join them, as these things are so rare. But it'd have been good if he'd managed to also use the time to find out, what was really on her mind. He's retired and though he's got a bit better as a result of my raising questions, I still do end up not just all the paid work outside the house, but a lot of the housework and emotional work in the family too. (The last time I pointed out he never ever suggested outings we could have together, he started a diarised system to prompt himself to do this. But that made me feel as if us suggesting we went to a good film or some other event was more on the level of not forgetting to put the bins out. Just another chore.)

As parents wouldn’t we rather our kids are spoilt than us ?!?! I think you may be jealous due to not dealing with your own issues which is sad

You were being massively unreasonable and petty to grudge them a lunch out just because you were at work. However, where you do have a point is that your dd should be making a real effort to find work. If she can't get a grad job straight away, she should get bar or shop work temporarily. Now that she is fully adult, you should ask her to contribute financially, so if she's not working then she should sign on. You should no longer be buying her clothes, phone, nights out with friends etc if she is being too lazy to find a job. Otherwise she might still be dependent on you this time next year!

You sound a bit tired and run down. Your DD being on an endless stream of parties and hanging out with friends (some of which you've had to do extra work for) is probably beginning to get on your nerves. So I think YABU but for reasonable reasons :)

I do think it's fine to talk to DD now and explicitly say that you think it's time she found work and started to contribute more. If she's living with you and not in work it's reasonable for her to take on the lion share of the housework, and have dinner cooked for everyone (apart from days she has interviews of course). She should still have plenty of time to apply for jobs and do a few hours housework too.

YABVU, OP. If you have issues with how your DP behaves generally, take them up with him at another time but don't make it about this total non-issue. To be upset (to the point of distress) that he took your DD for a bog standard lunch whilst in town is genuinely crazy of you. Do you genuinely believe that although they were in town together and you were at work, they should have chosen not to go for lunch because you weren't there and should have instead come home and arranged a lunch with you on a different day? Can you not see how contrived and controlling this is and how horrible it would feel for everyone concerned if the other members of your family had to think about not upsetting you before doing anything when you aren't even there?!

I think it's time for you to say to your daughter, "Right, what's happening about jobs and money?"

It's the end of the holidays now. She's had a great summer. You and her dad haven't got much spare money. She's staying with you free of charge. That has to change. Whether she goes on the dole or gets a part-time job or what, I think she needs to start contributing £50 pw towards food and bills. If she signs on, that will be virtually all her money - it's a good incentive for her to shift herself to find some work.

You are such massively hard work.

Your DH started a system to prompt himself to take you out more. I completely recognise it would be nicer if he was spontaneously fun but presumably you knew the man when you married him and chose him for different qualities. It is massively unreasonable (and cruel) to complain that he doesn't have a spontaneous fun feature now when he is doing what he can to change for you.

You say that lunches out are rare. Yet you would like them to be rarer still (as in only when everyone can go?). That's just dog-in-the-mangerish. You do not have to be included in every bit of fun that's going in the family. Now, however, I expect they know to tiptoe around you. What on earth must your daughter think of you, knowing that she mustn't allow your DH to treat her to an impromptu lunch because her mother (even though she couldn't go) would throw a hissy fit?

As for feeling annoyed with your DH for not having used to have a serious chat with her on an emotional level...at the start of the thread you were annoyed he was pampering her by taking her out to eat after she had done a very minor errand. Now you've decided he should actually have been even more into her and what was going on with her.

I think your daughter should move out. I also feel very very sorry for your DH who hasn't done a thing wrong and is clearly bending over backwards but never quite good enough as you pout and shift the goalposts.

You still do not get it. You need to stop comparing your life after graduation many years ago to that of your daughters now. You should be celebrating the fact that things are so much better for your daughter, isn't that innate in parents? We want things to be better for our children than we had it? Should you not be glad that he has a good relationship with his daughter and they are comfortable together and they enjoyed a treat together? Why on earth would you resent anything when life is hard enough for young adults these days. Seems to me you would want to see your daughter suffer from some kind of hardship? I cannot comprehend the way your mind is working as a mother.