....to feel upset coming home after work?

[PandorasBag]

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

Also, the fact that you're 'distressed' about this rather than a bit miffed screams narcissistic, endlessly victimised drama queen.

I don’t think your husband is looking after you.
This isn’t about your daughter, it is about your marriage. You feel taken for granted and whilst they party and lunch you are working.

Talk to your dh this needs to be rectified

Fgs get a grip. They are allowed to do something without you being there. I enjoy doing things with my DCs without DH sometimes. You don't all have to be glued together to leave the house. Given the comment about how you are always like this before visiting your mum, I'd say your DH has spotted a pattern and he's fed up of it.

You sound very jealous and competitive with your DD. Just because you had a shittier time after graduation, doesn't mean that she can't have loads of fun.

I think you're a bit mixed up OP.
I was glad my DC had much better lives than I did growing up and I'm sure my grandchildren's lives will get better still. I suppose I was a bit envious but also happy for them.
Isn't it the natural order of things that each generation has it better than the one before?

I'm sad for you daughter.

I want my child to have everything,- anything the world offers him. Why don't you want the same?

Im sure you're daughter will work all this out later in life with her therapist

I think you need to separate out the issues.

Money- it was probably a cheap lunch out, and it would have been more expensive with you there too anyway, wouldn't it? If you can have a party, I'm pretty sure he can have a lunch with his own daughter.

Your marriage- the jealousy is actually quite obvious, you say you do errands for him but don't get thanks or lunches out. You are resentful, perhaps rightfully so. You need to address this. Your husband did put some events in the diary- you don't find this spontaneous enough. He did take your dd out spontaneously- this didn't involve you so you are upset. The marriage is underlying this whole thread.

Parents and children. You and your husband have separate relationships with your daughter. It's fine for them to be together without you just as it's fine for your dd to chat to you without involving him. Stop trying to monitor what he says to her!

What your dd does next? Start that conversation and offer support. No need to pin it down to one day designated CV day and start to get cross when it hasn't happened by 2pm or whatever. Be honest if you need a contribution to the household.

I would be very cross indeed if my husband was mad at me for taking my own child out for lunch! I do it quite frequently, somewhere really cheap as we don't have a heap of money for lunches. It's a great bonding time. Let them have some fun!

Wow your daughter is having a nice summer after finishing uni, what an utter bitch

Honestly, the jealousy is creepy.

Reading between the lines it seems like you are heading for a empty nest divorce.

You are working and doing the wifework.

Your dh is retired and leading an unproductive life living it up with dd who is having a nicer time than you wee at her age.

So there’s resentment.

Part of that is justified but part is unreasonable.

You sound like you could do with some therapy.

I'm assuming you're not jealous of your dd, just fed up that you haven't been taken out to lunch. I don't know, I'd say just talk to your dh

So to recap reasons you kicked off, or at least considered relevant enough to post about:

• you were short staffed at work
• you were tired from hosting dd's friends
• you 'understood' that dd was tidying up and jobseeking today
• she's been on a summer holiday
• she spilled makeup on a top you got her
• your husband doesn't take you for lunch when you help with a comparative task
• your mum is visiting next week
• you assumed your daughter had used up her fun quota for the summer and then she was treated to eating lunch when she was hungry at lunchtime
• you used to have less disposable income, apparently relevant even though the lunch was totally affordable for your current situation
• your father was abusive and hers isn't
• having taken her for a lunch you're cross at him for taking her for, your husband didn't take the opportunity to have an in depth chat about her emotions as you might have
• you previously suggested to your husband he should suggest more outings for you both, but took exception when he started doing that

Hard, hard work, OP. I'd tread carefully if you like your husband and daughter at all, although it doesn't sound like you do.

I can’t get past you being distressed because your DH took your DD for lunch

You need to make your life better without this depending on DH or DD being kind and thoughtful or grateful. Hobbies/ classes, seeing friends.
I think we assume others are looking out for us as we are looking out for and doing nice things for them. But this is not necessarily the case.
I would imagine if you stepped back a bit DH might decide himself that it was better if DD was earning/ job hunting rather than being around the house all day.

You can't be annoyed because your DH didn't have the in-depth conversation with your DD that you might have had. He's his own person and they have their own relationship. Maybe your DD likes it that they chat on another level. It sounds like looking for a reason to blame people for how you're feeling - as the PP's list shows, the focus switches a lot. Perhaps there are deeper issues to address or perhaps you have a negative disposition. Perhaps your DH has a point about you being like this and he can't win. Hard for us to know, but certainly in this instance yabu.

I agree that your DD should be looking for work and if not working, volunteering, doing chores round the house, garden. Real life is not one big party, bills need to be paid and young people need to have some responsibilities. Do her friends have jobs yet ?

OP at 21 I was married, had a great job, a mortgage and a DS I was an ADULT as is your daughter. She is not a child and should be contributing or thinking about growing up. Also my DD is currently in town having breakfast with her dad while I made around in my pjs not in the least bit jealous and money is very tight here so not something we do regularly either but daddy daughter time is precious. I think you sound utterly bat shit crazy.

I think you've had some harsh responses on here tbh. You are not 'creepy' or 'crazy' as some people seem to be accusing you of, I think you are tired of being the organiser. Your husband expects you to help him with things even though he's retired and you still work, you have to be the 'thinker' all the time and it's exhausting.
It's not about the lunch, it's about the fact that lunch isn't ever spontaneously suggested for you. It's not the same if someone needs a diary reminder to do something nice for you because then it's not about the nice thing, it's about ticking off the box that means your husband doesn't need to think about you until the next reminder shows up.

I reckon you feel completely unappreciated by your husband and this is the little thing that shows you that he is capable of being spontaneously thoughtful, he just doesn't bother with you. And It is upsetting to suddenly realise that you are not on someone's radar when they are on yours.

Yes you are being very unreasonable. And the more you behave like this, the more they will exclude you, because quite frankly you sound difficult to be around. Is there something else causing these feelings?

Get your daughter to sign up to specialist graduate recruitment/ careers services, that will help her job search.

I'm with Alpaca Chazs and Butterymuffins that it is about the fact you do all the grind, but no-one appreciates it; it's just taken for granted that you will do it. Thus YANBU. Sometimes it is nice to be recognised for all the stuff you do to keep everyone's life running smoothly. Have OP, and give yourself a hug.

I don't think you are difficult or hard to be around, or crazy. I hope that those who have had harsh words for you never feel like you do. I also don't think you are jealous of your daughter; you just realise that now real life has to kick in and she has to start being an adult. Those who can afford to support a recently graduated child, can do so. Not everyone is in that position.

Our ds has just come back home post MA. He gets this weekend to lie in bed, then he has to get his finger out in earnest and start applying for anything and everything, whether he likes it or not. We can afford to support him, but he needs to get his life going.

@crimsonlake

You still do not get it. You need to stop comparing your life after graduation many years ago to that of your daughters now. You should be celebrating the fact that things are so much better for your daughter, isn't that innate in parents? We want things to be better for our children than we had it? Should you not be glad that he has a good relationship with his daughter and they are comfortable together and they enjoyed a treat together? Why on earth would you resent anything when life is hard enough for young adults these days. Seems to me you would want to see your daughter suffer from some kind of hardship? I cannot comprehend the way your mind is working as a mother.

This ^ in spades.

@heartsease68

Also, the fact that you're 'distressed' about this rather than a bit miffed screams narcissistic, endlessly-victimised drama queen.

This also ^ ...

@nothisispatrick

Wow your daughter is having a nice summer after finishing uni, what an utter bitch.

Honestly, the jealousy is creepy.

And this too ... ^

I am gobsmacked that anyone is supporting the frankly, weird and disturbing behaviour of the OP to be honest. Being jealous of your own daughter is every shade of wrong.

As for 'you must feel beaten down,' and 'you must be tired of the wifework, and being the organiser.' Do get a grip. ALL women feel like this sometimes, but they don't resent their daughter enjoying her life, and having a great time after leaving uni, and after 16 years of education!

As has been said, what happened to the OP after SHE left uni, is colouring and tainting her thoughts and feelings. It's extremely unfair, and very wrong to take the fact that SHE had a shit time as a young graduate, out on her daughter. And saying her husband taking her daughter to lunch without her... has made her feel 'distressed?' Jesus wept!!!

Why are you jealous of your daughter @PandorasBag ??? Serious question.

(I have a slight suspicion about the genuine reason why, but I won't say on here.)

I've hesitated about coming back here.

But one useful thing about even comments that are extremely aggessive in tone, is that they can help me to define my own thoughts.

My husband is very good at the fun parts of parenting. The sort of thing that separated wives would refer to as being a 'Disney Dad'. He was separated from his earlier partner and worked very hard to ensure that his stepchildren had a good time when they were with us. He is less good at the more difficult aspects of parenting which involve challenging behaviour and setting boundaries, even with our daughter who is around full-time. So while I am pleased that he and our daughter can have an enjoyable time, it is slightly less enjoyable when I am the one who is left to initiate the hard conversations. Arguably as he is retired and I am working he has more time than I do take on this aspect of parenting.

I think it is quite positive to be able to see the ways in which our children may have a more loving and emotionally secure childhood that we did. We can then feel proud of what we have achieved as parents - especially if we have had to overcome a really difficult past. I simply think there is a kind of taboo - we really want to think that as mothers we are 100% benign and loving - that it is quite scary to hear any mother admitting to having more complicated and difficult emotions about her child.

Over the last few years I've put in a lot of work in terms of developing the paid work I do over the home and also supporting my husband in a 'retirement business' he set up but which he has not really worked to develop properly. (As a result have probably spent less time than I should have done on cultivating my own interests , but this is something for the future.

It was my daughter helping him on errand connected to this business which prompted him to buy her an inexpensive lunch. This is something he simply never did for me despite several years in which I helped him extensively with website development, copy writing, marketing, setting up events, client visits etc - putting in many many hours of unpaid work.

We'd already agreed that I would withdraw from any involvement from the business at the end of this financial year, but after a discussion this morning we've changed this - and my name is now off the customer website.

I've also had a very productive conversation with my daughter about her thoughts and doubts and plans relating to the future.

It was my daughter helping him on errand connected to this business which prompted him to buy her an inexpensive lunch. This is something he simply never did for me

Of course he treated her for her help, she’s a child, so helping others is a behaviour that should always be encouraged. You are a grown adult and should not need encouragement.

I simply think there is a kind of taboo, we really want to think that as mothers we are 100% benign and loving - that it is quite scary to hear any mother admitting to having more complicated and difficult emotions about her child.

When you've been up for two weeks in a row with a screaming insomniac baby, yes. When your child turns out to be entitled narc-brat insisting you remortgage the house an iphone, yes. When a normal-sounding 20-something has enjoyed a holiday after graduating? Unless there's huge dripfeed about your daughter coming your 'difficult' emotions about her are all you.

Mumsnet is a place where those taboos are regularly broken and I've still not seen anyone apparently as pathologically jealous of their child for no apparent reason as you seem to be..

whattodo she isn't a child. She's 21. She shouldn't need to be rewarded for one small errand like a five year old.

Of course he treated her for her help, she’s a child, so helping others is a behaviour that should always be encouraged.

My daughter is 21 so not a child any more.

I think many parents who are working hard do experience some irritation in relation to adult children in the home who are not really getting on with the business of finding work. (That thing where you get home after a busy day dealing with difficult clients, and they are still in their dressing gown with the curtains drawn in the living room, watching bad TV and saying they meant to go the corner shop but felt too exhausted.) It's a question of degree and that's certainly not been the case every day. However, the holiday period which has lasted since late June is now definitely drawing to a close.