....to feel upset coming home after work?

[PandorasBag]

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

This sounds really weird.

Scaryteacher has given the most balanced response so far, others have been very harsh. Also agree with this comment from earlier:

“I reckon you feel completely unappreciated by your husband and this is the little thing that shows you that he is capable of being spontaneously thoughtful, he just doesn't bother with you. And It is upsetting to suddenly realise that you are not on someone's radar when they are on yours.”

OP, am glad you have been able to have a frank conversation with your DD. Please try to take a step back from it all and do something for yourself instead. Sounds as though you have the entire “mental load” and an elderly DM to worry about and need to leave the others to fend for themselves a bit - they are both adults with time on their hands. They are at home while you are working so not too much to expect to come home to a clean, tidy house and supper ready. You can now ask your DD to contribute to household expenses and do her share of housework/cooking. This will soon encourage her to find work! Good luck

“ Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different...”

Well so what?

I don’t mean to be rude OP, but this is all most peculiar. Why would you even be comparing your own graduation situation back in the day to your daughter’s in the here and now? Surely we all want better for our own children - that’s the whole point! And how does her having had lunch with her dad impact your “pattern” on arriving home? What is the comparison and why would you feel superseded or snubbed? If you want to go out for lunch, just go - with or without your DH / daughter or any combo of the two? This is a total non-issue surely?

Notbeforcoffee Let your daughter have some fun and freedom. She’s worked hard on her education and once you start working and accumulating bills you’re trapped. things are not easy for young people today.
This time won’t matter in a few years but if you ruin her enjoyment of it she’ll look back and resent you.
You should be happy she’s enjoying herself, the only thing I want for my children is happiness

Where to begin with this? Oh dear, the ickle baby has had to use her brain to get her degree. Of course, the OP hasn't worked to get hers or at a subsequent career where she is now the sole wage earner in the family, or are we just dismissing that because it's sooo much harder now? Bollocks. The daughter has had fun and freedom at university, and now needs to knuckle down. Having a ds slightly older who has just completed an MA, I am under no illusions that it is all graft at college by any means.

At 21 the daughter should be old enough to realise that things don't come for free, unless she still believes in the magic money tree, and should realise that someone is paying her way for her. Sod her resenting the OP; the OP may well end up resenting her if she is working to pay for the daughters relaxation after university. I would be mildly seething if all I was doing was enabling everyone and no-one was too bothered about how I was doing.

Yes, we'd all like our kids to be happy, but not at someone else's expense - they might be happy being stoned and sponging off the state - that is not what I want for my child.

You sound tired and stressed and underlying resentment is bubbling to the surface. Yes yabu, but once you’ve recharged have a think about why you felt so angry at your husband and daughter and speak to them calmly about it

Ok, being burnt out and knackered i get and that sucks, but there is something making me feel uncomfortable here.....
Dh is retired and yet you do all the wife work and work outside the home - crappy... except he isn't retired, he is self employed by what you have said. You both work therefore chores should be split evenly.
Dd not helping out - tough to put up with so yeah, as an adult she needs to help out too but cut her some slack and speak to her about how she can help before flying off the handle.
Dd was upset she got makeup on the top you bought her.... either that is flattering she thought so highly over your gift or that is concerning because she was worried over your reaction.
Lunch - well was it tea at claridges or a subway sandwich? You and dh have scrimped in the past and prob went into town avoiding mealtimes as a result. Say they mistimed and went in at lunch. Dd is an adult used to grabbing a sandwich when in town over lunch and suggests a quick meal. What was dh supposed to say? Sorry, no, we can afford it but if your mum finds out we got a 6" tuna sub she would be devastatingly jealous?
Maybe you are over worked and under appreciated or maybe you are hard work.

I suspect there is more going on here.Maybe you have had alot of work since your daughter got home and you feel you deserve a little TLC? Understandable.Maybe others aren't doing there bit around the house.I know how this feels having been in hospital to return home to find a months ironing which needed doing a day before myself hubby two daughters( 8 and 21) were due to go on holiday and spending the day doing that and packing their suitcases.couldnt say much as hubby always had there back.Stick with it though.I have two lovely girls now who are understanding about what its like to run a home

There's definitely more going on here. Is he right about the comment about you changing before going to your mums?

Maybe you're feeling over sensitive about things

You're tired. Take a mental health day off work. Treat yourself. On your own. Gather your wits as you're overcreacting.

Without being harsh or meaning to upset you, but seriously?!? You need to get over it. You’re acting precious over something that was nice for your husband and daughter. My husband does that all the time, and I’m pleased for my children they get that time for him. I definitely don’t feel left out or resentful.

You say your father was abusive and it caused issues meaning you had to fend for yourself after university. Is your DD being at home and DM coming to visit bringing back some bad memories? Being unable to cope rationally without being given a cup of tea on one day and getting angry about people eating lunch is clearly an over-reaction, hopefully the weight of responses helped you see that much. You have a long list of complaints about DH and DD, yet you also list so many examples where they're trying to make whatever change you ask; they aren't being unappreciative, they're trying to do what you want. Even just in the course of this thread your DH took you off the website and DD agreed she needs to be job-hunting. You are very controlling, you are overwhelmed thinking about the past and you are also clearly tired. It is worth considering counselling to put your feelings into perspective and work out what are good or bad reasons to be angry and how to address problems. It might also be worth getting your doctor to do some blood tests to check there isn't anything hormonal amiss (e.g. thyroid). It's important that you take steps to address your negative emotional reactions though, it must be horrible for all three of you to be living like this.

If your father was abusive you probably have had a crap example of marriage to model yours on. Is DH still in the 1950s and/or do you cope and deal with everything as that is what you learned as a child?
I think this is a lightbulb moment for you to devote time to yourself to work out what you want for the future.

Pandorasbag - I'm with you on this.

DD is an adult, she has been holidaying and dossing about for months after finishing her exams, she's had her 21st party. I'd say she was going into town with your DH as yet another avoidance tactic, procrastinating and not settling herself down to do her CV and look for jobs, as agreed. If you don't often go out for meals they should have included you and gone later.

My DH was always away a lot and was the Disney parent when he came home, I know that when we (rarely) went away it was never me who got to do what I wanted on holiday. And we hardly ever went out alone. In the end I put my foot down after a holiday in Paris which involved so much walking around siteseeing that we didn't make it in time to see the only thing I wanted to see. I think that I got my message across because he started to take me out for meals and on trips to see things on our own.

It must really annoy you that he hasn't got his retirement business going, when he has all the time in the world.

I don't think you're jealous at all, you just want both of them to get off their backsides and get their lives in order. You feel excluded and put upon, with good reason.

Wow Op I can't believe the responses you are getting on here. I can only assume that most poster have very young children and therefore are used to doing everything for them and wiping their arses.

As the mum of a 21 year old DD I want her to have nice holidays and a fun time. However I also want her to get a job and work hard and also be a kind caring person who thinks about other people and 'pulls her weight' around the home. Which is surely what the Op wants?

I’m also an older mum, of older daughters and think the majority of posters have younger children. I understand. The DH and DD are taking the piss. It’s not hard being at uni. It’s a party compared to working and parenting.
They should have tidied up and made a nice tea and DD should have shown her appreciation for all that’s been done. Unfortunately that’s not the real world.

I'm an older mum of a 21 year old daughter and I certainly didn't believe my daughter doing a law degree was a "party" nor have I ever resented her and her dad having lunch together, cheap or otherwise. I think I'm fairly normal in that regard.

Why do some women feel the need to bring down their children's achievements to boost up their own. So your life is harder than your kids in your view. Boo hoo, poor you.

Get over it.

Sounds like your grown up ungrateful spoilt child is continuing to take advantage.
Smell the coffee and woman up, tell DD - "Get a job and stop poncing of me and DH - by the way it ain't his fault - he just wants a quiet life. DH knows if DD gets upset because she doesn't get her own way - she'll tell you and that leads to an argument between you and DH i.e. DD is playing you both

What a nasty post neveraccept.

Your posts are far nastier Bluntness

It’s not hard being at uni.

Hum. I found it quite hard.

DH knows if DD gets upset because she doesn't get her own way - she'll tell you and that leads to an argument between you and DH i.e. DD is playing you both

What a remarkably bitter case of projection. There is no justification for that in the OP's information at all.

neveraccept If you're talking this way because you have a terrible relationship with your DD, please remember one day you won't be here and all she will have is memories. That would be a horrific memory to have. There's a heart attitude and a way to put things if you're a mother.

FGS heartsease, there is such a thing as tough love, and sometimes that's what you have to apply as opposed to the sparkly unicorn kind some MNers seem to think is the only type possible.

Most kids at some stage need a boot up the posterior to get them in gear; it sounds like the OP's daughter is one of them (like my ds at times). I've also seen some lids play their parents off against each other, so that happens as well.

Sometimes, as a mother, the cold, plain, unvarnished and unpleasant truth is what your child needs to hear, and it's your job to tell it to them.

I've decided to provide an update for those posters who have said helpful and insightful things, despite the fact it may provide a trigger for those whose posting seem to be less obviously inspired by a wish to help.

Certainly apparently small things do cause me to feel signficantly upset at time. This always turns out to be some kind of last straw -when a lot is going on around me and coping is hard.

I'd have liked the lunch out that my husband and daughter had - the new Malaysian place sounds really good and I'll go there with them or with a friend sometime. But it's important that spends time she enjoys with both of us.

My daughter worked very hard at university and her course was a demanding one. She's certainly not lazy or entitled in the way that I read about some people's children here. But until very recently she'd been planning to do a higher degree. It's a relatively late decision on her part to be back home with us, and so I think there's a sense in which all three of us were slightly unprepared for the change of plan.

She had upset about a small incident - the top from me which she'd stained - not because she was frightened of me - but because a) she liked it and b) that day was the day she'd planned to start jobhunting by updating her CV. She was totally overwhelmed by a feeling of fear of the different choices ahead of her and making the wrong choice. Nevertheless after talking things through with us she seems a bit clearer about the options, and is getting on with things. We've also discussed the contribution she'll make towards her keep while she was with us.

Both of us are close to her and she is close to us.

After I told my husband it was time that I took my name off the website for the business I helped him to set up, we've also talked about the issue of how doing years of unpaid work for a business that he didn't really work to build up properly affected me. He understands that because he never once expressed his gratitude by suggesting any kind of small treat or celebration, his rewarding of our (upset) daughter caused me to feel distress. He has also - spontaneously - suggested we go off and do something enjoyable in relation to my birthday which is in a few weeks time

That's some positivity there OP.

In terms of you, though, have you thought about seeking out some additional support for the unresolved issues you've raised about the past and even the present? I honestly think you'd be doing yourself and your daughter a kindness by seeking out something to help you deal with them. You can often self refer for NHS talking therapies, without needing to go to your GP.

I was a bit wary of mentioning the issue of my own past. With regard to the present situation, the relevance is mainly that as a parent I'll quite often look back to some incident in my earlier life and think about a) how did I feel as a young person b) how did my parents react and c) what can be done differently and better.

Because I didn't return home after university I don't really have this kind of map, so deciding what to do at this time of transition is a bit harder. I did seek some outside help after my father died and have a strong suspicion it may prove useful again at the point when my very elderly mother is no longer around.