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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to feel upset coming home after work?

205 replies

PandorasBag · 01/09/2018 18:16

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

OP posts:
JamForBrains · 02/09/2018 17:54

I with scaryteacher. There is a lot of OP bashing on here. I would be pissed of if my adult child thought she could party on the money I hard worked my arse off for. Instead of tidying up after her celebrations (which OP does not begrudge her) so that her mum doesnt have to and looking for a job, she is out having lunch with her dad to thank her for an errand she helped time with. An errand that OP had done for him 1000 times without so much as a thank you let alone lunch.

angelfacecuti75 · 02/09/2018 18:08

You obviously dont see your daighter v much so i understand why you are upset that they didn't go woth you but perhaps u r tired and taking it all out of context . Your hubby obviously doesn't see your daughter v often and saw she was upset so he tried to remedy it. Like he did when she was a kid probably right or wrong. You can go another time. Rest up. You are tired. This isnt a big deal. Its just cos u r tired and feel neglected. Go make yourself a cup of tea, wine and play some music. Be upset bit not for 2 long.

Skyeliu · 02/09/2018 18:16

I feel you have just been too tired with everything that's been going on at home. I feel you should have a conversation with your husband about how you are struggling with things and ways that he can support you. Similarly, sharing your stories of struggles with your daughter will help create mutual understanding and that all important mother-daughter bond Smile good luck. I understand it's certainly not easy being the main financial, housework and emtional provider at the same time. I feel you Flowers

mononoaware1907 · 02/09/2018 18:24

I think it's amazing that they have a good relationship and he treated her. YAB massively U.

SunnyCoco · 02/09/2018 18:40

Is she your husbands daughter?

Properjob · 02/09/2018 18:44

That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot.
You've been under appreciated, you are tired and there's a natural jealousy here. YABalittleU OP but I'm with you, having been there. Your H has been insensitive attest so put ur feet up OP!!

cherish123 · 02/09/2018 18:46

Why should they not go out for lunch? You can still go out for lunch next week.

riceuten · 02/09/2018 18:56

This is the sort of thing that would mildly piss me off, and I might make a sarcastic comment about, but, really, it's not worth dwelling on at all.

Move on.

triwarrior · 02/09/2018 19:05

Wow, OP has had a really rough ride here. I can empathize with your feelings, and I think the comments about deranged, creepy, etc. are both unkind and completely unfair.

ktp100 · 02/09/2018 19:07

Sorry to be harsh but what has a father spending some imromptu quality time with his own daughter got to do with you?

I get it. You're tired. Also a bit pissed off with your daughter by the sounds of it, but that doesn't give you the right to ruin something that wasn't even about you for them!

Sleep!

And chill out!

continuallychargingmyphone · 02/09/2018 19:08

I think this op has issues with food. I recognise the posting style.

PenguinBollard · 02/09/2018 19:18

You're coming across as a bit of a martyr, OP.

Unclench and enjoy your family

chickenanbeanz · 02/09/2018 19:21

Maybe the errand in town was to organise some sort of surprise or treat for you

moreginrequired · 02/09/2018 19:30

Christ the nasty is well and truly turned on for this thread...

Daughter and hubby fannying about in town and not tidying up the house after a birthday week when you’ve been run ragged at home, daughter daddy time is fab but I’d be peed off too...

When you’ve cooled off why don’t you all sit down and sort a fairer way all three of you can divide up the what needs done for the family house and stick to it?

It’s ludicrous that at 21 she’s being referred to as a child, showing her that she has to participate and help is something all parents should have been teaching her since she was little. She can cook the tea, do the washing whatever whilst you all share a house...

Take some of this week off to take time just for you instead of them for once...

CoffeeCoffeeTea · 02/09/2018 19:37

Was it a crazy expensive restaurant? If yes, then YANBU. If no then be glad your DD and husband actually get on. My DDs and DH fight constantly and I would love it if they could get through a meal without an arguement. I regularly take DDs out for lunch when we are out shopping but usually to restaurants my DH would not go to. I don't think the lunch is the problem. You have been working and running the home all Summer and it sounds as if your DH and DD are not doing their share? Get them to cook dinner ?

treacletoffee23 · 02/09/2018 19:50

I cant believe some of the replies on here.
The best thing that could have happened was for her daughter to have made a meal for when her Mum got home from work. OP feels unappreciated simples. The meal out was the last straw imho....

Shell4429 · 02/09/2018 20:12

AspieHere was there really any need to have a go at the OP? She is working and running the household while her DH is retired and gets to do what he likes? He should be doing the running of the home, not her. I am single but have an elderly father with COPD and a son with ASD who is prone to depression. I am the only person who works (from home, an ironing service) and I get TIRED. I do everything around the house because I have to but it makes me fed up and angry sometimes. If I had a husband as useless as the OP’s not only would he not get away with it, I would probably have left him a long time ago.

Mexicantortilla · 02/09/2018 20:18

Pandora’s bag I think you feel taken for granted it’s clearly been a busy time where you’ve enabled everyone else, tell them this.
The lunch is not the issue it’s the feeling of being taken for granted you need to explain this to them. You might need to consider going forward if you are happy with doing everything or maybe say no and delegate a bit more?

Thehappygardener · 02/09/2018 20:34

I understand how you felt, I felt bloody miffed one day when my daughter, who had graduated several months earlier, had had several holidays and parties (that we happily paid for) was sitting on the sofa in her bedroom reading while our cleaner cleaned around her!

Doubly miffed, in fact, because I had rushed home from work early that day (inconveniencing my colleagues, etc) to take our disabled adult son, her brother, to the dentist which she could have done quite easily.

After that, we trawled the websites and she found a job for her via a website which led on to other, better jobs and to her current career.

We aren’t always realistic when these things happen. Glad you enjoyed your belated meal. It will all get better! 😊✅

NotBeforeCoffee · 02/09/2018 20:45

Oh my god, they were hungry... so they ate... how distressing! Seriously chill out. Imagine what your daughter would think of you if she knew that you resented her for having lunch with her dad. If that was my mum I’d think, how pathetic.

Let your daughter have some fun and freedom. She’s worked hard on her education and once you start working and accumulating bills you’re trapped. things are not easy for young people today.
This time won’t matter in a few years but if you ruin her enjoyment of it she’ll look back and resent you.
You should be happy she’s enjoying herself, the only thing I want for my children is happiness

Sunbeam18 · 02/09/2018 21:18

I think it is quite positive to be able to see the ways in which our children may have a more loving and emotionally secure childhood that we did. We can then feel proud of what we have achieved as parents

This is the strangest thing, imo. Most people want their kids to have the best in life so their kids are the happiest they can be, not so they can pat themselves on the back for being good parents.

heartsease68 · 02/09/2018 21:38

I would hate my DD and DH to feel that I was going to fly off the handle if they went for lunch together. Whether I go with my DH is a separate thing altogether because our marriage is a thing apart. Not being able to afford to do this a few years ago is a most pathetic excuse for no one being allowed to do it now.

Cleaning and getting a job is a separate issue. Having a sandwich and job hunting/cleaning are not mutually exclusive. It feels like those legitimate complaints have been tagged onto the lunch thing because OP feels insecure when 'excluded' from relationships involving others in the family.

Troubling lack of insight.

CharlotteLV · 02/09/2018 21:51

I sense a feeling of being undervalued or maybe taken for granted, and like the party’s going on without you. If that’s the case, YANBU but you should perhaps be thinking about why you feel like this, rather than taking it out on them. All the best.

Bashun · 02/09/2018 21:53

You are not being unreasonable. You bust your ass all week only to come home to a crowded house and the privilege of cleaning up the days of fun daddy and daughter are having. Then the time you want to spend with your husband has now been spent on daughter who deserves lunch out because she's exhausted from having fun with her friends. Yeah, I get it. Time to have your home and husband to and for yourself at least for a little while when you come home from a hard day at work. Someday Darling daughter will know what it's like to come home tired from work...God willing.

Bashun · 02/09/2018 21:56

Nah, wanting the best in life for your children and giving yourself a self congratulatory pat on the back isn't mutually exclusive either. Why can't you stand back at a job well done and say to yourself attaboy? You are a parent not a Martyr

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