Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

....to feel upset coming home after work?

205 replies

PandorasBag · 01/09/2018 18:16

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

OP posts:
LuluBellaBlue · 01/09/2018 18:59

Anything further to add OP?
I’m confused as most pp as it seems a nice thing for dh to do?

OliviaStabler · 01/09/2018 19:02

Do you feel unappreciated OP?

Bluesrunthegame · 01/09/2018 19:03

You help your husband out all the time but he never takes you out to lunch. You feel undervalued, you've worked hard for your daughter's birthday celebrations, no one is saying thank you. When you express some of how you feel, possibly in a way that could be misunderstood, your husband accuses you of being somehow unbalanced because of a visit to your mum.

I'm with you, OP, give yourself a break, no one else in your family will. Your husband got help with an errand and a nice lunch, you got to go to work.

Nanna50 · 01/09/2018 19:08

Is it really your DD who you are pissed off at? YANBU to feel taken for granted, you have done all of this preparation for the party and then your DD who has basically done nothing but lie around and party since June gets upset over spoiling a top, shirks her responsibilities (looking for work) and gets a treat from dad. When really it would have been nice if they had done something for you and shown their appreciation.

If she was hungry she could have had a subway or Boots meal deal Grin Is there any truth in you being anxious before visiting your DM?

Twotailed · 01/09/2018 19:10

You sound a bit worn out and overworked OP. YANBU to want appreciation and the odd treat from your DH.

I think it a bit off for you to be distressed that your DD was taken out. But it’s clearly a symptom of your wider feelings of being taken for granted. I think this is what you need to discuss with your DH.

HopelessWanderer · 01/09/2018 19:10

I wish I had your worries in life.

You perceive your daughter to be spoilt, you're upset that hubby is facilitating this & possibly rewarding her for something you wouldn't get rewarded for? Does that sum it up? You feel left out as if he had left it a bit longer you could have had a family lunch?

I'm guessing once you've slept on it you might feel a bit different, you might realise feeling 'distressed' over something fairly trivial was a slight over exaggeration.

Nothisispatrick · 01/09/2018 19:12

This is utterly bizarre, and a little weird that you seem jealous. Is everyone supposed to stay at home while you’re at work?

StarWarsHolidaySpecial · 01/09/2018 19:13

Very odd to be so upset that your DH and DD had lunch together.

BackforGood · 01/09/2018 19:14

I agree with everyone else.
On what you've written, your dh is right - your response certainly is 'unbalanced'.
Downright odd, IMO.
So yes, YABU.

AlmaGeddon · 01/09/2018 19:19

Well you need to stop doing all the stuff that keeps everything ticking over but is not appreciated (although you will probably be seen as difficult for this).
You need to accept that DD has had a great time with no effort on her part. And that that is due to cone to an end but get DH on board to enforce this.
And plan some treats that you want with or without the others.

Original poster
PandorasBag · 01/09/2018 19:19

Have just come back after a family meal in which I have a good conversation with my daughter - to find quite a lot of responses, which I shall have to read a bit later.

Thanks in advance to those of you who will have said insightful and supportive things.

OP posts:
AtLastAPlan · 01/09/2018 19:19

Are you actually going to answer people OP?

AtLastAPlan · 01/09/2018 19:20

Oops, dreadful cross post there!

heartsease68 · 01/09/2018 19:25

Unless there's a huge back story, you sound like you're being a bit of a cow.

heartsease68 · 01/09/2018 19:26

But hey, if it gets you taken out to dinner, why stop.

lazyarse123 · 01/09/2018 19:28

It's not jealousy, it's feeling undervalued and taken for granted. I understand exactly how you feel. I work full time and my husband retired early on health grounds and he has got incredibly selfish and entitled the longer he's been at home the worse he's getting, but he just doesn't see it. I hope you get the appreciation you obviously deserve.

Fairyliz · 01/09/2018 19:31

Think you are getting a hard time on here op.

So you daughter finished university this year and hasn't started looking for a job yet, simply been having a summer of fun?

You in the meantime are running around working hard making sure everyone else is catered for and working hard to pay for it all. Your daughter helps her dad in one small task and gets a treat for it.
I can understand that you feel tired and unappreciated; did you have a chance to go to uni and several months after having a good time?

I certainly didn't so I understand that you could feel resentful of someone who did and feel that they need to start buckling down and getting something done.

Suggest to your DH that he takes you out for a slap up meal next week to thank you

LemonysSnicket · 01/09/2018 19:32

You're v wierd to be upset about them going for lunch. I think you're upset about something else and displacing your feelings. Are you upset that your DD hasn't been looking for work? Do you feel used? Are you jealous of her freedom?

Tbh, it took me 3 months to find work after graduation and I'd been applying for months before I even did graduate - does your DD even know what she wants to do?

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/09/2018 19:34

So you’ve now just been out for a meal as a family? In that case, you do sound pissed off for no real reason on the meal front. However I take it you feel put upon / the nag for wanting dd to look for a job / taken for granted etc.

Inertia · 01/09/2018 19:41

I understand where you're coming from- it's not so much about the lunch itself, it's about the fact that you've put in a huge amount of effort to support them both and neither of them ever show any appreciation- it's easy to feel taken for granted in those circumstances. Yet the first time either of them does anything to help the other, they reward themselves for a slap-up meal for all their hard work.

I hope the cleaning up for the party wasn't left for you to do when you got in from work?

MrsJBaptiste · 01/09/2018 19:44

Oh dear, my DH has been at work since 5am this morning. What will he think when he finds out I went into town with the kids and we went to Starbucks? 😮

BewareOfDragons · 01/09/2018 19:53

Oh dear. I don't think you're going to find that many supportive comments, OP. Unless there's a huge backstory, your DH is right about your reaction on the face of it.

I'm sorry. It sounds like you're under a lot of pressure and are feeling very unappreciated generally, though. I hope your family steps up for you. Flowers

CSIblonde · 01/09/2018 20:01

There's nothing wrong with father daughter quality time. The times I had with my Dad on my own before he passed when I was 19, I still treasure now. I think you are resentful your daughter hasn't yet focused on job hunting & a long day on top of party organising was a stressed all too much moment. When you aren't knackered, address the job hunting.

milestoneBD · 01/09/2018 20:01

You are overworked and under appreciated.

You deserve some help with the workload, some understanding of the pressures being put on you, and you need them to stop taking you for granted. And if they don't treat you now & again, damn well treat yourself!

pigeondujour · 01/09/2018 20:01

What sticks out from your post is "my understanding was" and "I had assumed". It's incredibly unfair to come in and kick off on that basis.