....to feel upset coming home after work?

[PandorasBag]

I often work on Saturdays. It can often be busy and demanding. Today was worse than usual because we were short-staffed. Normally I get home and my husband will make me a cup of tea and I begin to recharge.

But today the pattern was different. I am probably particularly tired because for the past two days friends of my daughters had been staying. There'd been a celebration of her 21st birthday. It all went well but there had been a lot of extra cooking and cleaning and preparing of food. I'd also organised the present shopping.

My understanding was that today she'd be firstly getting down to doing some tidying up of her own and secondly starting the business of looking for work. She graduated in June and it seems to have been one long succession of holidays and parties since then.

I got back home to find
a) my daughter had apparently got upset because she'd got make-up on a silk top I'd bought her for her birthday and both she and my husband had failed to get the stains out.
b) my husband had then taken her into town, where she'd then given him some help with an errand. This is the sort of thing I routinely do and it's taken for granted. But because it was my daughter doing this and she then said she felt hungry, he took her out for lunch - nothing hugely exotic or expensive, but a meal that they obviously enjoyed.

I got upset with my husband. I told him that I felt distressed about having lunch in town. I'm off work next week so they could have waited till I was around. (The only commitment is a visit to my elderly mother next weekend.) That he's never taken me out for lunch to show appreciation after I've helped him - and I've helped him a lot. And I felt my daughter has really not gone short of treats. I had assumed the birthday celebrations had signified an end of a summer of festivity.

My husband didn't accept what I was saying at all. He implied essentially that my response was unbalanced and said, 'You're always like this before visiting your mother and I'm fed up with it.'

your dh has never taken you out for lunch?

Distressed?

This isn’t about lunch is it? It’s about being taken for granted.

You’ve run around after your DD and yet you get nothing back. They go for lunch without you but wouldn’t make the effort to take you out to say thank you?

Is your husband your daughters dad?

FOMO look it up. You need to get over it and not be jealous of your own child

Is your husband your daughters dad?

That was my first thought as well.

So he is step dad?

Huge overreaction (unless there’s a drip feed that he’s blown the budget and you’re on bread and water for the next month).

Is money so tight that you can't go out for lunch next week anyway?

Even so, I really think you've massively overreacted

Hmm actually OP, my DH recently pointed out to me that I always go a bit bonkers in the run up to visiting my mum. I thought about it and it's actually true.

Do you struggle with your DH having a very indulgent sort of relationship with your DD? I was never indulged by my parents and I definitely do.

Typing before I have read any replies, I'll.read them after.

My instinct is that he's you feel.under appreciated, you work hard and it would be nice for your husband to take you out for lunch.

However, he sounds like a good dad. I notice things like this because my own dad only.ever begrudgingly took me and my brother for lunch, on his weekend. He very obviously wasn't engaged with us and would rather be elsewhere. You remember this stuff. Your daughter will remember having a caring and involved dad. That's worth a lot ☺

(Of course, it shouldn't need to be said that caring and involved mums also need appreciating, and you work hard too. So yanbu about that, but he pleased he took your daughter out.)

I think you're tired and stressed from working with limited staff on a busy day. Have a lie down and you'll probably feel better.

There are some obtuse responses here, presumably the OP is feeling stressed after a hard day at work and a lot of previous days' work making things nice for other people - and yet no-one has thought to do the same for her. That's what would be upsetting, not one lunch taken in isolation.

Are you upset because neither of them want to spend that type of quality time with you?

Is your husband right about your upcoming visit to your mums?
I'm asking because I have a difficult understatement with my mother and coming up to visits I become very stressed and feel vulnerable. It doesn't change my behaviour towards others but feeling like that can make others "act out" (horribly phrased but you know what I mean)

Fucking hell youre uoset your husband had lunch with your daughter? YABU

Hold the front page! Man takes daughter to lunch without wife! Seriously, tired or not, WTF were you thinking?

I think you sound very tired and stressed, but I'm afraid your reaction was OTT and therefore unreasonable. That means you probably owe DH an apology.

Your DD clearly needs to get moving with her job search, and you will have to hope she updates you periodically. Ask her during the week how it is going now that the celebrations for her 21st birthday are out of the way.

Exactly Chazs. However on Mumsnet one must never be critical of children unless they are being mean to another child. The OP feels taken for granted. Many women are upset when their husbands get recognition for doing a fraction of what they do around the home but their input is taken for granted. This is similar.

Is it that you now can't afford to go for a lunch next week (as they spent the money)? If not I think you're being unreasonable. It's nice for them to have father-daughter time. If you feel taken for granted then tell your dh.

Is this a reverse?

I also think it's less about the actual lunch and more about the fact that even when the OP pointed it out, her husband couldn't see that he has been taking her for granted.

Of.course of he isn't dd's.dad, and they have only been together a couple of years and her daughter is 21 that puts a.whole different spin on things....

However I have no reason to think such untoward things, I presume he is dad

This sounds bizarre, frankly. Why does a dad spending time with his daughter upset you?

If I go to visit my parents, I may book the Friday off work to have more time there. If I do, I might have lunch with my mum while my dad is at work. If on the other hand I travel after work, my dad might pick me up from the station and we’ll have a drink on the way home. Neither means I’m excluding the other parent or don’t want to spend time with them.

YABVU and your husband is right: your view is unbalanced (and that’s putting it kindly).

OP, I imagine there's more to this than you've said, because it really doesn't sound like something to be upset by, unless there's a back story that you haven't given.

FWIW, my DH often (kindly) points out that I get very stressed and easily upset when my mum is coming to visit. DM and I don't have a brilliant relationship, and I am aware that I don't always act in a sensible manner around visits.

Your DH sounds nice, tbh, and you sound tired and fed up. Your DD has had a nice summer - don't be hard on her - she's doing exactly what she should be doing at her age - making the most of her youth. If she had MH issues, problems making friends, etc, you would be ecstatic at the thought of a summer of parties. Don't ruin your relationship with her. Let her be. And give yourself permission to put your feet up for a bit.