To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

I'm glad you've reached a decision OP - congratulations on your pregnancy

I know SE / Kent quite well if you need any help with what an area is like! I’ve just seen a house in south darenth I think you’d like. It’s a village near dartford, it has 3 bedrooms for the same price you’re paying now. Let me know. Congratulations x

That sound like a good compromise

He's got Saturday and Sunday night off so I'll sit down with him and discuss areas, it should be a less tense subject now he's reassured I've dropped the Yorkshire thing

Something that has struck me was something mentioned once or twice in the thread about having no security as we're not married, that never bothered me before but it is niggling away ever so slightly now others have pointed out the fact it leaves me and the DC more vulnerable financially.

Of course I don't think he's going to run off and leave us but valid points were made.

@TeddybearBaby please do send me a link when you have time :-)

I appreciate all the links and suggestions I've had so far, I've started a list of possible areas with your help and I'm going to go through them with him tonight

I’ll pm you 😘

Wow I can't believe how much rent you guys pay 😮 London is pricey

Yes ive read the thread. The coil is slightly lower success rate than the pill which is only effective if taken properly. It’s by no way infallible and thats common knowledge.

In the OPs corcumstances of bejng being able to afford or having soace for a baby making sure 100% that I did not have an unplanned pregnancy would have ensured that i took further precautions. Indeed I did in the past and since 2 dc.
The OP has said her partner does not want the baby.
What an awful situation for a child to be born into which could have been avoided.
The fact he is now taking the matters into his own hands with a vasectomy to ensure this can not happen again tells a lot!

Plenty of people don't feel the need to take extra precautions on top of a coil, implant or injection believing that they are well protected. I wonder how many people really do 'double up' their contraception, my bet is not many. I think its a bit silly to suggest I could have done more to protect myself than have a coil fitted.

DPs concerns are financial, he will love this baby the same as he loves his other children.

And for your information this baby isn't being brought into an "awful environment" and I find that offensive and ridiculous.

Since when did the size of somebody's house determined their parental capability. My home might be small but it is clean, warm and has a roof over it!

An awful situation would be a baby born into an environment where there is drug or alcohol abuse, unsanitary conditions, violence or a risk to the child's wellbeing.

Grow up

Do you think your snide comments are at all helpful or do you just like sneering at a pregnant lady who's already stressed and concerned about the viability of the pregnancy in these early stages due to the circumstances of conception.

Most people on this thread have been helpful even when telling me I'm being unreasonable, but to come on here and have the audacity to say this could of been avoided and go on to tell me how my baby is being brought into an awful situation. Bollocks

I was feeling less stressed and more positive for the first time in weeks, thanks for raining on my parade with your shit remarks.

The coil is slightly lower success rate than the pill which is only effective if taken properly. It’s by no way infallible and thats common knowledge.

Oh do sod off with that crap! The coil has over 99% effectiveness, the highest % available!

THAT is common knowledge AND scientifically accurate!

Sorry, OP, for Somerset’lady’s very mean and judgmental remarks. Wishing you the best with your pregnancy. Your children have a great mum and that is the opposite of an ‘awful’ environment.

Oh babydusst I read your come back to that shitty post and thought you had summed up the situation perfectly. I'm sorry she got to you. I have no idea why some people enjoy sneering and jeering but it says more about them than you. You sound like a great mum, a level headed person and someone i would like to be friends with. Somerset on the other hand....

I was just gonna say, why not look at properties in Essex. Most places have great transport between them and London.

I feel stupid for losing my cool just then but wow what a completely ridiculous comment to make I wouldn't dream of having the cheek to say that to somebody.

Essex is on the list Tali

Thanks to the PPs who came to my defense x

The combined pill or progesterone only pill has a perfect success rate of 99% but a TYPICAL success rate of 91%. The coil is more than 99% ...

If you're going to ignore the point of the OP thread about moving and hijack by changing the topic, at least know your subject matter.

@Babydusst Sounds like your pulling together a plan. Good luck

@CuriousaboutSamphire

*The coil is slightly lower success rate than the pill which is only effective if taken properly. It’s by no way infallible and thats common knowledge.

Oh do sod off with that crap! The coil has over 99% effectiveness, the highest % available!

THAT is common knowledge AND scientifically accurate!*

That statement is inaccurate I’m afraid. The gynaecologist I am under advised me after mine fell out (most likely during a heavy period-I also have Endo) that they see a failure of 15%. Most often in the first 3 months of fitting.
I was refused a sterilisation, this was because of a similar failure rate and due to some health reasons, that is not high enough protection to warrant the operation-balancing the risks. So my DP is having a vasectomy and until it’s definitely worked we will use alternative barrier methods. (If I let him near me) your info is not accurate or helpful. And I do not think the gynaecology department at the hospital are going to bother lying.

@curiousaboutsamphire they did however tell me that the most effectively be and safest form of contraception available now is the implant. That is more reliable than any other form (according to that gynaecology department-yours May obviously have different info) so perhaps promote that rather than being dismissive of evidence of coil failure.

The north is cheap for a reason it’s shit you’re better of moving towards south east London or Kent. Where property prices are more reasonable.

You move leave DP in London. Bet hell change his tune then.

Is that not emotional blackmail? Relationships don’t work by trying to force the otherone to blindly do as you say!

Firstly, a wedding doesn't need to be expensive, just sort it at the registry office, you can always have a celebration at some point in the future if you wanted. Read up on what being married means legally.

Regarding the furniture, might it be possible to rent some storage for it (could maybe do this in your next rental if the furniture doesn't suit). The main players aren't cheap but we did use this when we lived in our shoebox sized house!

Boys and girls can share for ages so don't worry too much about it for now. DS is 3yo and DD is 9yo and they currently share (helped I think by the big age gap), they won't for much longer but it's fine at the moment and they get on great. They have the master bedroom with bunk beds so all the toys are in there too and we have the 2nd bedroom, 3rd bedroom is an office (worth considering in a new place if you and DP/DH can fit a double in the second bedroom).

@manycrisps we're in SE London now believe it or not!

@ClaryFray Haha I did consider it for all of an hour but he's far too committed to his older DC to do that

Oh, I have the implant too. Bit funny when it goes it (and was nasty coming out) but nothing to worry about in-between. A common side effect is no periods (hooray, it was the one thing I was hoping for!)