To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

However if he had said to me it's upto you what you do with the new baby but I'm not budging. I'd budge to the far side of far from him.

YY^^.

Fair enough he needs to be near his dcs, but he sounds like he’s being far from decent regarding this pregnancy. “Do whatever you want with the baby, but I’m not budging”... from a one bed flat ? He doesn’t sound like he’s right in the head tbh.

I get that Yorkshire is too far, but won’t he compromise at all?

sorry to come to the thread so late but have you looked at shared ownership OP? Housing association?

OP FWIW I think you have had a hard time on here. Frankly I think your original suggestion of moving north to be nearer to family who could help was a good one. Especially now I've read that the older children are teens. they could travel north v quickly for weekends / holidays and stay in contact. I'm not sure that moving a little way out of london will make that much difference tbh - there will be longer and more expensive commutes, housing is still expensive, and it is true you would get more for your £ up north. But good luck, hope you find a solution that everyone is happy with and is workable in the long term

Dear OP,

I stumbled upon your message and was shocked by the predicament that you're in. I never actually comment in these forums but felt I had to on this issue. I'm quite tired and in a hurry so I don't have time to gloss over things or give a diplomatic response. I hope this helps though...Plus I just told my Aussie husband your problem and he said, "bloody hell" and rolled his eyes about your husband - he is looking after our toddler so I can write this. He can be selfish but this is next level.

Your partner/husband sounds incredibly unsupportive and disrespectful of your needs, feelings and wants. The fact that he, "flat out refuses" on an issue so complex and one that at least requires thoughts, is so unfair.

You're a pregnant Mother with a young child and he should be supporting you in anyway he can. It's his job as a Father and a man to make you feel as secure and comfortable as he can. He sounds incredibly selfish and petulant.

Sounds like you're very happy about baby number 2 - congratulations. When you're with someone that is thinking about themselves then it's important you're in tune with your feelings and what you want.

You say you would be devastated to terminate the pregnancy, and I think there's your answer. Don't make a life changing, irreversible decision over a problem that has a reasonable solution.

It's completely reasonable for you to want to live in a comfortable house. Parenting is stressful as it is, let alone in a matchbox apartment.

Come up with a viable plan so that he can see his kids on weekends - transport times to potential new homes, transport arrangements etc. DO NOT give your husband an inch.

Stick to your guns and be strong. You deserve to live in a stress free environment and feel calm going into your pregnancy. As women and Mums we get worn out and beaten down and lose our confidence. Do not let your vulnerabilities be taken advantage of.

Finally, I feel for you being in a vulnerable position with finances and education. Put yourself first. It seems to me like you're someone who has never been able to do that. You have two beautiful reasons to empower yourself and you deserve a great life.

As soon as baby number 2 is independent, get that education you always wanted and pursue it with everything you have. Easier said than done but think of this house hurdle as your first step to putting yourself first. Happy Mum, happy kids xxxxx

Just wanted to wish you well @Babydusst

You've had some vile and quite frankly bullying posts on here from people who just want to goad.

Your original post was clear and reasonable and you've taken all the advice and changed your views as a result (about moving up north). Surely that's the point of AIBU?

Best of luck and I hope everything works out for you

I think you have lacked a bit of common sense here.
Would you have your 2nd child, then move 5-10 miles down the road, leaving both your DC with your ex DP, start a job which negated you being able to see your DC in the week?
Would you pay your ex DP £200 a month to raise your DC and feel that was enough?
Would you only see your DC at the weekend, but have no suitable accommodation for them to stay over?
If not, why not?
Do you think people would think you were a great mother if you did this?
Do you think people would recommend you as an excellent person to have more DC?
Would you then go on to have 2 more DC with another man, who you would live with, giving even less space & money to your first 2 DC?
If you would, do you think your first DC would be likely to be unhappy about this?
This is the situation you are in, however you dress it up.

Op it's not a studio, a studio is a bedsit ie one room with en suite or shower room and sometimes small kitchen or kitchenette.
Yours is one bed with kitchenette, seperate kitchen and extra bedroom would make huge difference, tho you can manage sofabed option for a short while. Hope you have a park nearby
Good luck to you all, I think he may come round, or you may get lucky if you keep looking, can your agent transfer you without new fees?
Social housing or help to buy would be great, but maybe the next step after this. Ignore the lucky bitches who never had a contraceptive fail.
Hope you get something sorted and enjoy your family

All the judgemental can moments regarding his older kids are shocking. Teenagers are a completely different kettle of fish to little ones and you don’t have to be 5 mins away to be there for them. One could be at uni next year or off to college. They need their dad of course (and step mum and half sibling) but to suggest he can’t move is ridiculous. If he’s better off for a move then a) he could financially provide more and b) he would be able to have them stay. You can’t put your lives on hold for teenage children, they have their own lives to live, but you neEd to be there for them and provide and support. In no way means you can’t move.

Hi BabyDust, im very sorry for your situation. You do sound super stressed and anxious so may I ask when are you seeing a midwife? Please tell her how your feeling (understandably so) just so she is aware of the pressure your feeling.

I left London 10 years ago, I have a lot of family members scattered all over the city in many different positions but we all agree its terrible that average and low-income families are being so brazenly priced out of the city. I love to visit but it disgusts me that many are forced to move from the city their families have lived in for many generations and worked dam hard.

Anyway, could you both on your husbands night off pick up a cheap map of the city, pin it to the wall, put a mark on your husbands work area and step children's area and start looking up prices in areas you both feel would be an acceptable distance? then mark the prices on the areas so you can step back and look at it and think for a while. If even then the prices are too high you will have to start looking at commuter towns.

You also need to start planning how to finance a move as you already have the loan from before, is there any family members who could help with either their time to pack and help you physically move or with any funds? Do check out your local council as well as some offer help for rent deposits.
If you still can't afford it then id look on eBay and Facebook selling sites for a sofa bed, turn your living area into pretty much a studio flat and the kids can both go in the bedroom when the baby is old enough.

Try not to panic I know its hard but you can be clever with storage ideas looking online, to keep small spaces as clear as possible. Kids furniture isn't very big so two children can comfortably have all their beds, drawers, toys etc in one room.

Do any of the colleges in your area offer part-time and long distance courses? Our local one offers 10 free to all level 2 and 3 courses which are online and can be a start for some people. Slowly boosting or widening your skills? I think trying to do a degree with your current stress levels would be too much for a while.

Good Luck!

I told my DH about this thread and he thinks your DP is bring unreasonable not to want to move at all. But he thinks you're wrong to even consider an abortion you don't want, especially when you realistically will need to move soon anyway.

However, I see you've now had a chat about moving and made some progress. That's great! I do think your DP will come around, given time.

My DH has suggested Stevenage, as he used to live there and found it handy and relatively cheap to get into London. I had a look and found that you could get a 3 bed semi for what you're paying now, or a 2/3 bed flat for a little less.

I hope you're feeling better about the whole thing now :)

Urgh. Sorry OP. He's a prize isn't he. Making four children he can't afford and taking zero responsibility.

I wish I had some advice for you, other than take your kids and start a life in Yorkshire. This man won't change.

Babydust
I hope you are feeling less stressed. I have seen a lot of supportive suggestions on this thread however I’m shocked at some of the bullying comments, which clearly aren’t helping. I would ignore these comments, as they are totally unnecessary.
Once you have sorted your accommodation out I would then look into courses to see if there are any you can take while on maternity leave, you DD2 will when she reaches 3 have access to free childcare, so could leave you time to train in a new career.
Good luck!

@sueelleker

If you really dont want a baby then making sure you dont get pregnant is a good idea. Using say the pill and condoms or the depot or pulling out in conjunction makes pregnancy practically impossible!

The OP failed to use appropriate birth control measures to ensure she did not get pregnant despite being in a situation where it wasn’t practical to have another baby.

It would have probably helped if I mentioned the fact his older DC were teenagers to begin with, if they were young I wouldn't have even considered moving further afield. Irrespective of their age his position is an absolute no for Yorkshire so I have to accept that.

The tips about turning the living area into a studio and giving the children the bedroom is a good idea and I'll implement that if we aren't able to move before the baby is here.

We're also going to go with the suggestion of finding a practical area to research together and then gathering as much info as we can / looking at what we can afford and trying to stump together a deposit.

I'll also speak to the council about whether they offer any deposit bond schemes

God only knows why one specific poster is still intent on painting me as a shit and selfish mum and not a lot else. Fortunately I know my strengths as a mother and am a bloody good one to DD, but somebody more vulnerable could find those comments harmful. There's nothing admirable about attacking a pregnant woman. There was a thread about this type of behaviour not long ago, its uncalled for and nasty.

I don't expect people to praise my misfortune of getting pregnant on the coil but to paint me as a bad mother isn't on. I sincerely hope you never find yourself in a situation that was out of your control

For what its worth DP wants to have a vasectomy after this baby is born, so the poster who slagged him off for only being able to afford the minimum maintenance toward his teens whilst struggling to stay afloat in an overpriced shoebox of a flat - will be pleased to hear that no doubt.

I resent some of the attitudes toward low earners, some of us have long-term goals. We're not scroungers who expect the government to pay for us and our children, we're trying to get by and make do with what we have which is all that can be expected of any family.

Obviously I have plans to do a degree as soon as possible and continue my education, I want to train to become a nurse at which point (although not immediately) ill be able to afford my DC the space they deserve

But until then, the fact they are loved, fed, warm and clothed will be absolutely good enough and I am a perfectly good enough mother.

@Somersetlady are you serious, haven't you bothered reading the post

I have a coil fitted, that is STILL in
This was a contraception. As a result of that I have a pregnancy with heightened risk that I didn't plan or prepare for.

How fucking boring.

Good for you OP! Well said.

@Somersetlady
She didn't fail at all! She was using the coil. Have you even read the thread. Your ignorance is hysterical!

Again thank you very much for all the good advice and well wishes, the majority of you ladies are quite wonderful.

I appreciate sensible opinions and constructive criticism, and I certainly appreciate the hand holds x

Blimey OP I'm not quite sure why the flaming! You HAVE to move at some point anyway - you have a one bed flat with a DD anyway and that situation will need resolving. How dare he pressurise you into an abortion! Of course his DC will still see him every weekend, 'up north' doesn't have to mean the highlands!
Please do not abort for this.

I was also going to address you incorrectly calling your place a studio, but see that someone already has.

I also think you should address the sofa bed option for the short term as I now see that having RTFT (all 12 pages of it!!) that you still haven't addressed this idea.

Orlando RTFT!

Angelil OP is considering swapping the rooms round after the baby arrives

I'm glad to see that the discussion with your partner has gone in a more productive direction now. Remember that you don't need to move right this second, you just need a plan for the next year or so. As a previous poster said, the baby will be born in spring - you can try and stay out the house as much as possible and let your daughter run around and burn off energy in the local park. I would sit down and create a list of your outgoings per month and see what debt you can knock out before the baby arrives, and what you'll have to play with when you go on mat leave/ return to work. Would the new baby entitle you to any additional tax credits?

The reason we haven't considered the sofa bed until now is because the flat was part furnished when we got it and I don't know how the landlord would feel about us getting rid of her nice (but not suitable to sleep on) expensive L shaped sofa.

I'll see whether she'd be prepared to move it out into storage or elsewhere so we can get a sofa bed which will be much better suited to our needs once the baby is here.

She's a buy to let landlord who does this as a side investment so she doesn't have other properties she could take the sofa to, she bought it brand new for this flat before we moved in

In hindsight given the situation I'm sure she won't mind

Whoops!!! Note to self -RTFT!!!!!
Glad to hear you are talking now!