To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

Not sure whether we'd be entitled to any additional tax credits I will have a look on a benefits calculator and see whether we would qualify

We do get a bit of help from the government with tax credits and the £20 a week child benefit but it doesn't stretch very far. If I can find a full time job whilst pregnant and somehow afford the child care I'd be a lot less stressed I'm sure.

I'll see what help is available to accommodate me working full time. I do want to, it just felt impossible because of childcare cost against our outgoings

OP I know a few people who work nights or at least the "twilight shift" (8-12) to save on childcare. Not an easy option by any means but might this suit you?

Hi OP, I have RTFT and am glad that things have moved on.

I see that you receive some tax credits - go on the website and check that you are up to date and getting what you are entitled to. Also, you should (as far as I know) get some tax credit support towards child care.

Citizens Advice are really good to help with complex situations - they can advise you how to approach the council to make your case as strong as possible. They can also make sure you have all the tax credits etc that you are entitled to.

This is a long term situation and will not be fixed immediately. I sense that you are stressed and want everything sorted out, but you will have to take lots of deep breaths and wait it out a bit.

In the meantime, stress isn't good for you in early pregnancy. Try, if you can, to trust that it will all get sorted out in time, and to relax a little bit.

OP, I don't think you are unreasonable to have thought moving to Huddersfield would be a good solution, especially as your SC are teenage. We stuck it out in the south east until my husband's DD was 18, but to be honest past about 15 she didn't spend a lot of time with us even though she lived 5 minutes away! We do see her even less now, but she's working and studying, has a boyfriend etc.
Maybe look to move to somewhere closer for now, places in Kent could be a good option if your DP can transfer his job, and revisit the idea of moving north when the SC are older.

aside from op's situation (which I am glad you seem to have found a way to communicate with your dp about, congratulations on your pregnancy op) I had to address this:

"In the long term I think you’d be better in Huddersfield in a cheap 2 bed council flat with free childcare and nurse training."

there seems to be a misconception (ha) by some on this thread (and elsewhere on mn) that the north is just full of spare council housing that northerners are just dying to lay at the disposal of Londoners priced out of their area. er no. council flats in huddersfield and elsewhere are needed by the people who already live here and have local connections. everyone is struggling, everywhere. there is a housing crisis in this country and the people affected by it need to address it at its source instead of kicking the can down the road.

the north is not some cultural wasteland sitting empty waiting for down on their luck Londoners to come and populate it, odd as that may seem.

I was looking at private in Huddersfield anyway not council accommodation as we're not entitled to that in the first place.

I've come to terms that its not going to happen now for his DC sake which I'll have to be OK with, but I can't see myself wanting to stay in London or surroundings forever as I think rural would be better for the children, not to mention the lower rent etc.

Hopefully by the time ive done a degree and trained he'll be prepared to reconsider when his DC approach the end of their teens

yes op, I realise it wasn't you who said that about council flats. it's swings and roundabouts with the rural/city thing and dc, I find - property itself tends to be cheaper outside cities but then you have the longer commutes to work/school, having to ferry dc around to their friends or to town when they're older. there's a lot to be said for children being able to get themselves to and from school and their friends' houses once they're that bit older - obviously this depends on how rural you mean when you say rural.

do take advice on protecting yourself financially - you are about to be the lower earner in a family of 4 without the protection of marriage. this may be something you want to discuss with your dp now, while you're both in the frame of mind for talking about big issue type stuff.

...and don't pin your hopes on 'this will do for now maybe he will change his mind in a few years' type thoughts. think how you will feel down the road if he doesn't, and you've spent all that time feeling compromised. I know many women that's happened to, in all sorts of contexts. if you're talking about the future make sure you're on the same page or someone is going to end up unhappy at some point and you'll be right back where you started.

I pay this sort of money for 2 bed in Zone 3. Are you living in Zone 2, OP
You could easily move still within London and get a bigger place for your money.

I’d look at other areas a little further out of London. I am in zone 4 on the se london/Kent border. Dh can get to central London in 30 mins for work and you can rent a 3 bed house here for what you are paying in rent now. I totally understand not being able to abort the baby you’ve bonded with but can see why him moving away from his existing kids isn’t an option. I hope you manage to find a solution that suits all of you

There are plenty of 2 bed flats and maisonettes for less than you are paying in, for example, Catford and Eltham. Both perfectly acceptable parts of SE London.

We are in zone 2 regretfully yes

It was fine for us alone with no DC but absolutely not suitable for us now

His DC live round the corner with their mum, DP has another family member nearby

INreally don’t understand why you’re not considering moving out even slightly out. Wages lower in the North so paying half of what you pay now might end up being a struggle too?

@DrinkFeckArseGirls I am absolutely considering moving out just slightly, the problem was DP wasn't entertaining the possibility of even that until we spoke last night and agreed to compromise. He'd move to the outskirts of London and surrounding and I'll drop Yorkshire

I've just had a call from the abortion clinic for a telephone consultation appointment that was made when I called up about a termination, I've told them I'm sorry to have wasted their time but I'm continuing the pregnancy

That's my final decision on the matter. Bubs is staying

I suspect if you abort your baby for logistical reasons you'll end up resenting DP. Can't you move out of London but within commuting distance eg Reading? Expecting him to move a long way from his kids isn't really a practical solution.

@QuilliamCakespeare baby is staying put and I've agreed with DP to look at areas closer to London, in and around. Yorkshire has been off the cards since last night when you lot brought me to my senses

A quick look and there are 3 bed options just outside swindon for £700pcm but that would still be a £28 return ticket per child every other weekend and that's only an hour on the train. If you went further north it would probably be more.

How old are his other children? Could they travel to see you alone even if your partner was happy to move?

They're in their teens and could travel, I also offered to split the pick ups. He's adamant he won't move too far though and afterwards also said it was also because his father is here. I think he'll keep coming up with reasons not to go far but I'm prepared to stay closer to London, all I want is a proper home for our DC like his older DC have.

Peterborough? Thats fairly cheap to live in and still only a train ride into central london?

OP doesn't need to move so far away though. There are plenty of options on SE London zone 3 for the same amount as she is paying now.

For what its worth DP wants to have a vasectomy after this baby is born

That's good news. I think it will be the right thing both for your family as a whole and for him as an individual. Would definitely encourage him in this and also would probably consider doubling up contraception too if I were you, maybe implant or something. As you seem pretty fertile lol!

How about zone 6? Look south of the river, it tends to be cheaper. SE will be cheaper than SW, so Penge, Peckham etc or New Malden, Motspur Park. Commute's OK. Mind, you, I last lived in London some 15 years ago and then it was only Surbiton so doesn't really count! I think I'm speaking from 20years ago when I lived in Waterloo and it was still a shithole

I know you've ruled out moving too far, which I think is probably best, I wanted to say it's actually not always that much easier up North even if you're paying a lot lot less in rent.

Wages are less and often public transport is a lot more expensive. Plus I know a people in different cities outside of London struggling to even get a job (obviously there's lots of people wanting jobs in London as well but OP and her DP both have jobs there at least). What MissVanjie mentioned with respect to council housing is he same with jobs - if there were ample of both up North there would be virtually no homelessness or unemployment.

Then once you consider the extra costs of covering kids train fares or petrol costs to do pick ups and drop offs there may well not be that much extra spare money compared to renting in zone 5/6.