To ask DP to move so we can afford to keep the baby?

[Babydusst]

DP and I live in London and have one DD, aged two. He has two older children from a different relationship who he sees on weekends. He works full time and me part but neither of us are high earners in skilled positions and we do struggle to make ends meet after we've paid our bills, DPs maintenance, our childcare and the ridiculously overpriced rent on our shoebox flat which is the main sinkhole in our finances.

I'm currently 8 weeks pregnant with unplanned (but wanted) DC2 but there's no way we can afford to upgrade from the home we have now, to a family sized home in London. DD currently shares a bedroom with us and is at the age now where she needs her own room, If baby is a boy we'd then need a three bedroom house.

It would be easy for DP to transfer his work and I'd be looking for a new job right away.

I've asked DP to consider us moving north as I can't foresee us being able to support another child here whatsoever the way things are, or even provide a decent quality of life for the child we already have in the long run whilst struggling by.

Up north we could get a three bedroom house for half of what we pay here for a ridiculously small flat. He flatly refuses and says he won't consider it as he has other DC in London which he sees on weekends

I don't see how us moving would change anything for his other children who would of course be welcome to spend entire weekends at our new place if they wanted to (in our current flat there's just no room for them to sleep but they spend most of the weekend days here)

Ideally I would have done a degree by now and trained in a profession but as it stands I'm working an entry level hospitality job just to bring in some extra money.

I personally could not live with myself if I had to terminate but I just don't see how we could bring another child into our lives the way they are now, no space and no money for anything other than what is already budgeted for.

For context our flat is £1,250 pm whereas up north we could get a family home with front and back gardens, a garage etc for under half of that.

It seems like DP would prefer me to abort than move out of London and that stings, I really want this baby. He says he isn't asking me to get an abortion but he isn't prepared to assess our living situation enabling us to come up with viable options.
He simply won't budge and it's leaving me feeling as though I have no option but to abort my baby who I've bonded with already

Yeah I can’t see where you’ve been terribly unfair babydust, you’re both right and thinking of your own children, and teens are pretty able to get on trains etc.

Where you regularly checking the strings? You can’t just forget it is there. You should be checking the strings once a month. What has the gp said about the coil?

I'm going to stop posting now as some of these judgemental replies are winding me up, If I thought my situation was ideal i wouldn't be posting here.

Absolutely no need to goad a pregnant Lady who's has said continually through the post that I'm already stressed, and making outlandish assumptions about planning this pregnancy.

Who the fuck would plan another baby in these living conditions?

Thank you everybody else for your advice I appreciate the guidance

He's honourable for not wanting to move from his older children sure! But he isn't hounarble for expecting his two other children to live in a shoebox! There needs to be compromise.
However if he had said to me it's upto you what you do with the new baby but I'm not budging. I'd budge to the far side of far from him.

@Babydusst
Yes our coil failure was a huge shock and pretty hard to deal with. Shook our marriage. I felt I ‘should’ terminate but couldn’t.
Things do find a way forward and you cope. We will move again at some point but trying not to disrupt older children. Ours currently are fine sharing and if it became a problem in the short term we would use the lounge to sleep, but kids are very adaptable and ours are very happy. Years ago there was none of this ‘every child needs their own room’ and everyone turned out fine. I’m not saying to not plan for a future and want certain things but at this point don’t panic that they ‘need’ certain things. They need love and food and a home, which they have.

@KerfuffleShuffle Liverpool!

I'm amazed you're considering aborting a (loved) baby over this. I just don't get it.

You're not even married. ie you don't have the legal (financial) protection of marriage. Why on earth would you choose him over a loved baby?

You talk as if lone parenting is the most horrifying thing imaginable. Erm no it isn't. It's better than you have now. eg If you moved up north you'd have all the support of family. And you wouldn't have to weather a partner who is quite happy to leave you financially incredibly vulnerable as you pop out more babies he is not interested in.

@Babydusst
Ignore the goady comments. They've had the luxury of not finding themselves in an impossible situation (gives them a medal)
Birth control fails and let's face it, he has fathered four children so maybe he needs to put his big boy pants on a do something about the situation.

Congratulations btw! If I was you, I would have a frank discussion and get your ducks in a row.

@ItsColdNow that's exactly how I feel too. Pregnancy was the last thing we wanted or needed right now but having had it happen now I know I'd never forgive myself deep down if I terminated. I'm finding all of this very stressful

his DC are teens and Yorkshire is off the table now I've come to my senses, I just panicked and selfishly thought of my own children above his - primarily because they have security and stability here and mine do not. I've realised that was wrong of me and apologized to DP

Nothing wrong with prioritising your own 2 young children especially as his are teenagers!! They are more than capable of getting on the train to see their dad.
Your life would be better if you moved closer to your family. His children van actually get their own space in your home! You would budget for their train tickets every second weekend or whenever..your DP is selfish and somebody needs to think about your two children!

OP, can you honestly not see that your response just backs up my earlier comments?
Your DP cannot afford the children he already has, either in time or money, so why on earth is he having more?
I am happy to accept that most humans would like to have kids, and would never deny them that, but your DP already has 2 (that he can't support) is that not enough for him? How many DC (he can't afford) should he have, 6, 8, 10?
If he leaves you and moves on to another partner, should he have kids with that DP as well, having even less time & money for his previous DC? Would you be ok with that?
If you want kids, why did you pick someone who has proven himself to put so little (time wise & financially) into being a father?

The coil is still in and that in itself brings risks to the viability of the pregnancy. It was decided to leave it in as removing it now would heighten the risk of miscarrying, I'm worried about that in itself without the pressure of everything else.

I'm aware I may have come across badly in parts of this thread but its a very stressful time

OP, if it makes you feel any better, I know someone who is living in a one-bedroom flat with her spouse and two children (m&f, aged 8&5).
They're due to move soon to a 3 bed house, but its taken time for them to fins something suitable in school catchment, commutable & affordable. Her spouse works long hours and can be away for four or five days at a stretch.

*C0untDucku1a

Youre making excuses now. Plenty of people get good jobs and savings before having a child. Plenty of people weigh up their financies before having further children. Lots decide they can't afford another.

I also never believe failed contraception. Whenever someone i know gets pregnant unplanned it always turns out they didnt use any that one time or they didnt use it properly, eg i was sick and didnt think one time would matter... . *
Haha. Yes of course. Unfortunately after scans confirmed the coil was no longer in place (and I assumed I was dying with it floating round my body somewhere having burst through my womb) the dr advised that up to 15% of coils are expelled in the first 3 months. Sometimes the threads move up and down. The previous month when I couldn’t feel the strings I was sent for a scan which confirmed the coil was in place. Roll on a few weeks later and it was gone. It’s exceptionally hard to deal with and I’ve been under mental health care due to the distressing circumstances.
It’s very easy to sit and judge when you are not in the same position as someone else.

@ItsColdNow very sorry you've had a difficult time too. Its easy for people to ridicule and judge if they can't relate on a personal level

babydust please ignore the horrid judgemental posts. You have worked out a compromise with your DP and I wish you happiness with him and your family for the future. Good luck flat/house hunting.

If I were you I would start looking for accommodation just outside London now. Places like Bracknell, Basingstoke... Still ok to travel in daily if you need to, but much cheaper than London.

Just don't abort yet. That's not the only option.

@Babydusst
In my job I've seen babies born with the coil. Please ignore people who no absolutely nothing.
I had a failed coil pregnancy too. No contraception is 100% effective!

@Babydusst my brother was a coil baby and I’ve met 3 others this pregnancy so we are not alone. It will muddle through. My DP is now getting something permanent done...
you will be ok. Life isn’t perfect for any of us and we do our best. I don’t think you’ve cone across badly, I think you come across as someone discussing things going through your mind and taking on board feedback and opinions.
Those who are so perfect it’s all sorted out financially and relationship wise etc just don’t appear normal to me!

Know* sorry fast angry posting!
In disbelief at the stick you are getting.

And thank you for the flowers 💐 xx

Wait, so you want to move closer to your family and you're upset your DP doesn't want to move away from his DC is London? Am I missing something?

The rest of the thread? At least highlight and read the OP posts FFS

Good luck OP. Take no notice of the bellendish posts.

Thanks PP's I've received a lot of good advice here and appreciate %99 of the responses even the ones rightly suggesting I was being unreasonable. I have no problem with criticism and welcome it, but judgement I don't appreciate. Its just not helpful or kind

Just move out of London a few miles!

I rent out a 2 bed house with good sized gardenfor £1200, 35 mins from Waterloo on the train, 5 mins from the station.

My cousin too was a coil baby, my aunt had a difficult pregnancy and had multiple bleeds. She spent the whole 7 months (found out at 2m) scared. For those who don't know anything about coil pregnancies they're no walk in the park. Nobody would deliberately inflict something like this on their body. When we get the coil we believe it will stop pregnancy, not cause one that we can use to 'blackmail' and plot about

I absolutely wish I didn't get pregnant so can understand why DP isn't jumping for joy, but its done now the baby is on its way and is (so far) doing just fine. I respect people who have the courage to be certain about abortion being right for them but when I considered the possibility it was with great reluctance as I knew it was something I didn't want nor could live with but I felt backed in to a corner.

I won't be aborting and am praying the pregnancy progresses normally.