To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

I don’t know OP.

This is a near constant complaint on MN. I am probably the wrong person to ask, as I’ve never stayed at home with mine. But I think that the parent staying at home is the one who should be taking on the lions share. Why can’t you get your 3 year old in the car?

Why couldn't he do some of the legwork around finding childcare? Did you not want to visit the nursery together? YABU for calling him a good 'un at all for doing some things for his children. He's a man he doesn't have limited capacity he's as capable of organising childcare and other appointments at you are, and should be pulling his weight as a father.

YANBU - many people agree that work can be a nice break from childcare! He gets to interact with adults, take a few minutes of downtime if needed, have his work acknowledged and rewarded etc. I can understand being jealous of that.

Will you be returning to work in time when your 6mo is a little older? If so I expect that will help a lot. If that isn’t the plan it might be worth considering.

If that isn’t an option I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel and see if you can start building in some time each week that you get to pursue your own interests and hobbies.

if he works mon-fri at nursery opening hours he may not have been able to.

You don't think he job is demanding or stressful and he probably doesn't think you staying at home with the children is either.

You need to talk to him and explain how you are feeling. Can you take a day or evening off once a week and have you time? See friends/family, find a hobby?

Also unless it isn't his home too, he isn't 'helping out around the house' he's behaving like an adult who knows that things need to be done. You're off at the moment so more tasks will fall to you, but that ends soon, did he pull his weight with DC1 when you went back to work?

I hear you op! I'm the same but I try and remember he works hard and is bringing the money in.It still doesn't stop the feelings of envy that he has 'time out' from it all though

continuallychargingmyphone

I am probably the wrong person to ask, as I’ve never stayed at home with mine. But I think that the parent staying at home is the one who should be taking on the lions share.

But that's why it's constant complaint because parents who work full time quie often (not alwqlays) don't get it. They dont see what being a SAHP involves. Clearly you don't either. Also she is doing everything, not the lion's share.

OP YANBU and he doesn't sound like he's any good. Tell him. Especially when you go back to work you need him to take on more. I have already decide the additional things I want DH to do when I go back. We will have a discussion about it but I will expect him to take on more.

@continuallychargingmyphone where I live nurseries have long wait lists so we've already had to do this, we looked at nurseries together online, shortlisted, and booked three visits for the same day, DH took half a day off, or should I just have done it in my own because a man's job must be important 🙄

Be fair fash, I didn’t say or imply that a mans job was important but back when mine were little I wouldn’t have been paid for taking half a day off, and that would be money we couldn’t afford to lose. Obviously the OP may not have that problem.

Suggest some analysis of parenting and domestic work you do, and he does. Then a discussion about sharing this more fairly, before and after you go to work.

It’s not “help”, it’s fulfilling his parenting and household responsibilities.

It sounds very tiring being at home with 2 LO's but work is not a casual walk in the park either. Both are tough, and he maybe jealous that you get to see the kids more.

I only have 1 DS but can image that 2 is very tiring and it is always tough when you feel unrecognised for all the work you do around the home. maybe chat with him and point out all the things you do that he takes for granted? Or maybe he doesn't even think about them needing doing!!

i was a SAHM wit kids with at a similar age. Yes it monotonous but that's life with kids. It's what we signed up for.

My DH worked some distance away so everything was left to me, however now my DC's at on the verge of Uni's my DH is very involved - even more so than me. I think he just struggled with the baby/toddler stage.

I'm sure your DH appreciates your house work but he doesn't need to come home and say "wow these sheets are clean" or "you've done a great job of the skirtings today love".

Thus is the reason why we have feminism. Women get the short end of the stick and are criticised and condemned whatever we do. Our unpaid, unstimulating, monotonous, thankless work at home goes un-noticed and unappreciated (but it is immediately noticed if it's not done).

You could go back to work but then would end up doing both paid and unpaid work, your DH wouldn't be affected and you might feel guilty about putting the DCs in childcare but your DH most certainly will not feel guilty.

There is no easy answer, believe me I've tried and tried to find one. My DCs are now older, 12 and 15, so at least I'm not trapped in the house (or gilded cage?) anymore and they can sort their own lunch etc.

Sorry not much help.

Don’t think OP is a SAHM, rather on maternity leave?

That’s not what feminism means to me. I’m a woman, and a feminist.

My oh works long hours so in reality I know that he couldn’t do the things like finding child care etc but what used to annoy me was that he didn’t acknowledge the things I’d done. He’d come home in awful moods because his job was so stressful and always needed his down time in the evenings, which I gave him, but he never asked about the children or how they’d got on or even said thank you for the jobs I’d done specifically for him.

Everybody’s home life is different so it’s hard to pass comment but I don’t think yabu

@continuallychargingmyphone people get annual leave or have the flexibility of being self employed sometimes you have to use these things for parenting reasons.
What surprises me most is people who complain about a lack of equal parenting, but then acknowledge things weren't equal before children, it's about expectations and communication, I would never have married someone who saw domestic tasks as 'women's work' and who wasn't entirely capable of behaving like an adult and multitasking, because it would only get worse when you add children to the mix

What were the circumstances that led to you being home? Why did you give up work?

I also think if you're at home all day then you should do the lions share of the domestic work, not everything clearly.

I'm not sure it's about fair share though, you're bored?

In the nicest possible way YABU. He doesn't have to experience the monotony or mental load of running a home because you do it all. No sense in being jealous and resentful, you need to speak to him about it and soon. Have you sat down and worked out a system for when you're back at work? Will you be ft?

I'm presuming the 6 month old is the reason that op is at home. Maternity leave and returning to work next month?

@dimsum123

*Thus is the reason why we have feminism. Women get the short end of the stick and are criticised and condemned whatever we do. Our unpaid, unstimulating, monotonous, thankless work at home goes un-noticed and unappreciated (but it is immediately noticed if it's not done).

You could go back to work but then would end up doing both paid and unpaid work, your DH wouldn't be affected and you might feel guilty about putting the DCs in childcare but your DH most certainly will not feel guilty.*

I'm a feminist, which is why I married someone who shared my views around equality and would be just as unhappy with the situation you describe as I would be, we share the monotany. Not all men are like you describe and not all women tolerate that set up. I will be going back to work full time and I won't be doing more than my fair share of household and child related tasks.

Yes I get that fash - I’m not listing every possible eventuality covering reasons why the OPs dh might not be able to visit a nursery, but it may be that it isn’t as straightforward as ‘take a day off.’ It might be of course. We just don’t know. I’d be happy for my partner to make a decision anyway.

Having done both sides, I can honestly say that the jobs I've done bring their own mental load.

Talk to him.

I don’t get this either. Surely the children and associated administration are your job, in the same way that his work and associated administration are his job? Do you help him to schedule meetings, or sort out clients or wherever? And do you ask him what exactly he has done everyday and thank him for it?
If I’ve had a particularly stressful day I will moan about it to him, in the same way that he moans about his day to me. We support each other in our jobs, but I trust him to get on with his and he trusts me to get on with mine.