To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

Me too! Single mum too by any chance?

Actually no! But my husband is the sort of person who can go an entire day without eating or drinking anything until it gets to the evening and he realises he’s famished and will eat dinner plus a packet of biscuits.

It simply wouldn’t occur to him to make a cup of tea for himself during the day so he never goes near the kettle. I, on the other hand like to drink tea in the afternoon so whenever I make it I always ask him if he wants one and of course he always says yes

Ah, then we’re not in the same boat.
No support network whatsoever.
Throw in no partner/father to your children - and it’s a different game entirely

Ah, then we’re not in the same boat.
No support network whatsoever.
Throw in no partner/father to your children - and it’s a different game entirely

I don’t deny that at all.

Do such husband really do absolutely nothing at all though? Because my sister used to complain that her oh did nothing in the home because she did all the cooking shopping and cleaning but she would forget to mentionbthat he got up every saturday with the kids and take them to the park so she could have a lie in, that she never touched a garden tool because it was his job, as when taking the bins out, doing any repairs or DIY etc...

The reality is that life with young kids is full on with little respite but being overrun doesn't mean that the other one isn't.

Hi

Thank you for all the comments. Some really interesting points made.

I should have made it slightly clearer I'm currently on maternity leave. I work as a teacher usually. Therefore when working I work at school and home (marking, planning etc) plus I do the majority of the housework and if you like take on the mental load of running a home.
As I'm currently on maternity leave I am at home all the time so most cleaning tasks are mine domain. My husband will do the cooking and his own washing. As I said he does do things around the house.

I suppose what I was getting at is more the life admin and mental load of looking after two small children.
I have been the one to research childcare options, he just goes along with what I say. I am the one who considers what my children eat, wear and play with. For example, every item on my child's birthday list came from my own ideas. My husband is just happy to go with my choices.
Last night when the children had gone to bed I devised a reward chart for our son to encourage and reward him for going to nursery.
What I'm trying to get at is my mind is a constant whirl of ideas, lists and tasks that are entailed with looking after our home and children. I sometimes wonder if he is ever weighed down by the constant lists of home tasks.

Like I said I also work and things are not an awful lot different then. I am the one with ideas, plans, lists and things that need doing. He seemingly and rather freely comes home has a bit of an evening whilst I tell him how guilty I feel for putting our three year old into nursery, I often wonder if he ever has the equivalent of Mum guilt. I suspect not.
Sorry to moan but sometimes I feel like going to work and coming home where most of the thought work is taken out of things must be quite nice.

My husband will do ... his own washing Really? He doesn't do a load of family washing?

my mind is a constant whirl of ideas, lists and tasks that are entailed with looking after our home and children. I sometimes wonder if he is ever weighed down by the constant lists of home tasks
No, it isn't. Because you're doing it all - why does he need to think about any of it if you're doing it?

If you don't want it to be like this then change things, but you need to tell him. Work out together what these lists and tasks are and divvy them up. Then leave him to get on with it - don't micro-manage, don't helicopter in, if things go wrong then let them (as long as it doesn't cause harm to you or the DC). Get him involved, get him engaged. I think all of us, if we had someone facilitating our lives for us, would behave in just the same way as he is. If you don't like how it is, you have to be the change you want - and you will need to change your attidudes and habits as much as he will.

I tell him how guilty I feel for putting our three year old into nursery - you need to knock this on the head if you're going to continue working. No, he doesn't feel 'Mum guilt' (neither do I & I'm a mum) and you don't need to either.

Bold fail, very annoying

I feel like this. We have three kids and two have special needs. I stopped work after our second (nursery wiped out my money and I wasn’t keen on my job). We didn’t know my second had autism. We then had a third and his autism is a lot worse. I’m stuck at home and miserable. My dh doesn’t really get it and leaves me to deal with all Sen stuff and education even just being involved and offering as little as an opinion so I don’t feel like I’m completely doing it alone. Do you have the option of any work? Though your need to make sure he carries some of the load. Would he do that?

As a husband i do my best to help out, however the children are more reliant emotionally on my wife who stays at home.
Often only she will do, this affects me as does leaving them every morning. ok some mornings i like to get out the house but 90% of the time it hurts.
My job is stressful, however the stress of being responsible to earn the money to support the home and family is equal in all jobs,
i understand both sides

There’s a good example right there of what some people call “mental load” and I just don’t see the load.

You say it falls to you to consider what the children will wear?

In 9 years, I can’t say I’ve ever felt that as a mental load. It’s taken up time, sure - shopping time, laundry time. But it’s not taxing.

My child has clothes. Duplicates of key items so I don’t have to think about washing to order. Deliberately minimising others, because that makes it harder to find things. Clothes are chosen according to weather. Clothes are dumped in wash basket. Clothes are washed and put away. From time to time, item of clothing is worn out or out grown - yep, mental note to replace, but it’s hardly “load”. Just replace, some items that’s done in 5 minutes online. (I appreciate this low mental load approach is easier when not counting every penny).

I just don’t see the “mental load” there.

This is exactly where I think people can wind themselves up about mental load, over something that isn’t actually hard.

I think that sometimes people latch onto the individual tasks of looking after children, but the actual core issue is that they’re disappointed that they have a father for their child who isn’t bothered.

I sympathise with that - it’s my XH. My I skipped the part where I thought life was so hard buying and kids clothes, and went straight to the part where I was disappointed with someone who just didn’t give a shit about involved parenting. I could have made him do all the cooking and cleaning and bill paying etc. I still would have felt ground down and tired and disappointed that he wasn’t the father I hoped and thought he would be.

I've finally had time to read all the comments. I need to clarify a few things as some people have been quite harsh and others have hit the nail on the head.

This is not about finances and the fact he works to pay for everything. Up until this month I have continued to pay 50% of our mortgage every month as well as towards bills.
It's also not about the fact he doesn't do anything at home because he does. He cooks most nights and puts one of our children to bed. He'll do his own washing and I do mine and the children's- it's the normal for us. If other jobs do need doing I do have to ask.

With regards to sorting out childcare. I was the one who did the research, corresponded with nurseries and research funding. I went to do visits as my husband was working and that's fine but the initial research stage he could have had more of a role in. But like many things especially with parenting it falls to the woman because perhaps on a subconscious level it's deemed to be my job rather than his.

The mental load/ life admin things I am thinking of at the constant minutiae of every day life e.g kitchen towels being washed, cleaning the washing machine, picking out clothes for the children, ensuring that the dish cloth is clean, hoovering, dusting, feeding animals, emailing nurseries, bleach the toilet, wiping down the shower. Yes all small and insignificant tasks that could wait but still need to be done. Throw those into the mix of caring for, playing with and nurturing our children as well as larger jobs it all builds up and the brain becomes foggy and laden down. I don't have barely a minute in the day for myself to even go to the toilet.
My jealousy (perhaps the wrong word) arises from the fact my husband would not even think to do the small things around the house unless I asked. He goes to work and leaves it all behind and comes back and it's done. I admit my role in the situation is not helpful as I facilitate it all by doing everything but I don't want to ask for his help he should be able to see when things need to be done.

I'm the one who will question my parenting and not think I'm enough or I'm not doing it 'right'. He never does this.

Your updates make the problem very clear. He is not doing a fair share of parenting and domestic work, including the “mental load”.

If he’s a decent guy you should be able to agree changes together. At present you’re facilitating him at your own expense.

I don't see it as a mental load, it's not, for now it's your job. When you go back to work, it's either part of your job and part of his, split depending on other work.

I should add I do the lot, near full time work and all the house admin. My job is way easier than my DH so I have capacity to juggle.

However when everyone is home it's 'one up all up' and everyone pitches in.

Can't really see your issue.

Sorry crosspost

OP, see this cartoon about the mental load:

english.emmaclit.com/2017/05/20/you-shouldve-asked/

How do I make that a clicky link?

Nope still can't see it. Either ask him to do more e.g. Never go up empty handed or I'll go fucking mental in other words, fmdont walk past the pile of shite on the stairs, take it with you.

We have other 'house rules' do not even think about standing inside the house without checking if the dishwasher needs emptying being the best one

Ensuring that the dish cloth is clean?
Really?
That’s “mental load”?

Pick up dish cloth.
Realise it’s dirty.
Throw in bin / dishwasher / washing machine depending on state of cloth and type of cloth.
Get out new cloth.

I get that you might be bored shitless with dull crap and feel jealous that you don’t think he has dull crap. (he does - that dish cloth example is on a par with maybe “realise laptop at work is dusty, reach for laptop wipe, realise no wipes left, walk to stationery cupboard”).

I also get that it’s not one dirty dish cloth, it’s all the tasks added together.

But this is what I mean by people’s perceptions of “mental load” making them feel worse.

Yes, you need to talk to your husband.
But you also need to stop telling yourself that getting a clean cloth is in any way adding to the mental load.

Mental load. As in, you have to be mental to pick it up.
One of the ways (minor compared to others) in which ex-SIL would abuse DB was to carry on about her mental load. Laziest woman ever.

Seems to me OP that you still have a divide. Why are you paying 50/50 surely its family money now?

oh stop it op a sahm job in your house sounds like a indurance test

OP I understand what you're saying. You don't get a chance to 'switch off' off for a bit but you feel like DH does. It's the same in my house... my Oh will do his share when prompted, otherwise he will just sit down and relax. I feel like I have to sort everything / 'ask' him to do things or nothing gets done. It's exhausting sometimes, esp. when sleep is scarce and feels like you are responsible for everything. Of course we aren't responsible for everything, but that's how it feels a lot of the time. I'm afraid I don't have any advice, but just wanted to let you know I understand where you're coming from

Sounds like he should do a bit more around the house but to be honest you both probably need to be a bit more appreciative of each other. It isn't a competition to see who has the most stressful job and whilst children can be stressful and exhausting so can adults, especially if you are managing them or they are your customers.

Mental load is real, but in my opinion it’s become somewhat overhyped, and makes people just feel more discontent. Now we have a label to complain that we have so much mental load. Well, no - mostly what you have is just living life.

Couldn't agree more. And if you trust each other's judgement there's no need for 2 people to view a nursery if it means taking a day unpaid?