To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

It's the wrong point if it's the point. As the OP has already noticed, trying to think of everything (and do everything) all the time is tiring, stressful and aggravating. It is also unnecessary, given that there are two people in the relationship, neither of whom has to think of everything all the time. They can share the work out, rather than expecting each other to mind read who should do what and when. Why on earth would you want to double the number of people stressing about work that needs to be done when it is entirely unnecessary for them both to be stressing about it in the first place? Why do two people need to sniff the dishcloths to see who might have washed them last and when?...

If it were the dh's job to do the dishcloths, it would never be an unnecessary stress or waste of time for him to be the one taking responsibility for washing them. Better that then getting home and worrying what he is supposed to notice today so as not to aggravate his silent partner.

Sorry, RP235 - I responded to Imtheonlyone without refreshing the thread, so didn't notice you'd replied! Sounds like your dh is the sort of dh who would listen to you and respond positively to your frustration, so nothing much to lose from trying to talk it through!

Parenting and running a household isn’t limited to ‘9 to 5’. It doesn’t stop in the evenings or at weekends. I sometimes think my DH thinks ironing and shopping are my leisure time!

What weird replies. Only a few days ago there was a similar thread where everyone (nearly) unanimously agreed that maternity leave was for looking after babies/children, and NOT for housework. That someone on maternity leave was NOT the same as a SAHM and shouldn't be expected to take over all housework duties in the same way.

OP, I agree with you completely. It's a shame your OH didn't take 3 months' parental leave. I think parents who work out of the home often don't realise how much SAHP are juggling, because it's invisible.

Definitely give him specific big tasks that you can then ignore for the mental load - the builders is perfect. And maybe nursery could make him the first point of contact for any admin/sickness/problems instead of you? (you may not feel comfortable with that, of course). He could also take on the task of laundry for all members of the family too, since he does it for himself already.

How are things going to be when you go back to work? If he doesn't do 50% of the childcare and housework normally (when you both work FT), do you plan to try and initiate a change?

What was the housework, shopping and mental workload BEFORE you got pregnant? If you shared it, then that should still be the case.

You are looking after a baby 24/7 THEN THAT IS YOUR JOB. The housework and everything else should still be 50/50.

Obviously he should be changing nappies and doing his share of parenting when he's home too. But look back and see what the share was before. Bring that up with DH.

Maternity leave is to recover from the physical and emotional toil of pregnancy and childbirth. It is not ypur time to become your DH personal maid and cook.

I'm the one that earns more. DP will be returning to work shortly so we'll both be working long hours, albeit some of them from home.

I think there IS a mundane household mental load and up until recently I have managed this for my family. I'm in the itchy phase at the moment and am letting them get on with it.

We do similar amounts of household chores but I'm tired of always needing to care about the little things - so I'm not. I think we ran out of bread and milk 5 days ago (I wasn't here). Every day for the past four days dp has asked "just nipping out do we need anything?". He needs to start by looking the fridge and cupboards. He bought milk 2 days ago (with crisps, biscuits and chocolate) and has just asked again. I said I don't know but we need stuff in for tomorrow's dinner. The rest of the family are at home enjoying the last few days of the summer holidays. I've been away with work and working long days. He takes sandwiches for work so I assume he'll remember eventually.

If we run out if something or it runs low, I make a list on the fridge which he'll take and buy (but will never make a list). It pisses me off that my oh has delegated the buying of essential food items to me and I'm not doing it any more.

Op I loved being on maternity leave. I was lucky to have a really easy and happy baby and YANBU.

I had the same complaint with my DH recently. I can’t say it’s completely sorted it out, but one way that I’ve recently got him to understand just how much I’m juggling, is by setting up a shared family calendar on our phones.
So I put every small thing in the calendar, with a reminder. So he is forced to see it! This sometimes makes him realise a bit more.
I also now get him to sit down with me every now and again, and look at what we’ve got coming up and divide the load that way. Of course he has no idea what’s coming up, but I just go through it with him and sometimes that’s a good opportunity for me to get him to take some of it on.

I think you really need to change the way you think - your husband does not ‘help’ with housework or childcare, they should as obvious a thing for him to do as they are for you. Though as he’s currently doing some paid work and you’re not, you will likely do the majority.

Young kids are tough and what I found useful to find the fairest division of tasks between DH and I was to work from the principle that we’re both entitled to the exact same amount of ‘time off’. So for example when he gets back from work after working a full day while you’ve had a whole day of childcare. If there are eg 5 hours of evening before bedtime you divide things up so you’re both doing eg 2 hours of childcare, housework, house admin etc and you both have 3 hours ‘off’. I’ve seen too many families where the mum (and it is ALWAYS the mum) does the full 4 hours of housework etc while the man sits watching tv because he’s ‘been at work all day’. Or he does 15 mins and she does 3 hours and 45 mins - which feeds into the mindset of a man ‘helping’ with the housework.

OP your children are young - nows the time to nip it in the bud. Divide up the admin tasks - so yes you may be the main contact for child’s nursery for example and deal with the admin and mental load that brings, but why can’t your husband organise and oversee (and have the mental load) of sorting out the kids swimming lessons, dentist appts or whatever?

I understand how you're feeling, OP. When we had our first child I had no intention of going back to work so our dynamic is different - we always planned that I would be a SAHM. But sometimes, when you've had children needing your attention all day, you need a break but can't have one, and there's still more to do in the evening, it's hard not to feel envious of the one who gets to leave the house.

I got to a point where I couldn't do it anymore - I have a long-term health condition and got PND after our 3rd was born - so I told DH that he had to be responsible for all bills from then on. Passing on that one task has helped a lot. DH keeps track of when all the bills are due now (those that don't have direct debits), looks into changing insurance etc each year, and I don't have to think about it at all. He just mentions what he's decided to do, much like I tell him about buying clothes for the children or whatever.

I think you need to sit down with your husband, discuss what needs to be done for the household, and work out a fair division that means neither of you feels like you're doing too much. And review it every now and then. Especially once you're back at work.

I've always been a sahm. Over the years I've had the odd min wage job. My husband has always been the one with full time work. I always do just about everything in the house and I did all the childcare stuff. Even now they've all fled the next I do the cooking and cleaning. He cooks the odd meal. He drives and takes me shopping when I need to go. This is the way things are done in our house.

In a short while I'll also have a job alongside this

Yes and you'll have to sort it out so you're equally taking the work on, but you're not right now.

I'm not meaning to seem sanctimonious, but honestly 2 small kids are relentless work, but to me it's not stressful. No one died.

Perhaps I have low standards loved that one

Oh and for good measure 'senior execs' who find kids harder than work. You need a promotion. Seriously kids are relentless, boring, sometimes engaging, but I can outwit the fuckers.

It's like this conspriracy, let's say it's harder than work. No it's not, I get up when the baby wakes, hang out in my PJ's, do jigsaws and finger painting and hang out with my mates. It was great being mat leave. Running a house is low level drudgery, but it ain't hard. I genuinely felt I was taking the piss out of my DH as he had to work so hard whilst I had fun.

Yikes

My experience, and my OH's experience is the exact opposite of yours. We both work 4 days a week, and we both used to say that we go to work for a break. It's getting easier now they're older, but when they were pre-school, I found it incredibly hard.

I've had this conversation before on MN, and I think it depends a lot on your children. DD1 was lovely and easy. I could leave her to play and get on with the housework, and she always had a long (1-2 hour) nap midday for me to recharge. Maybe if I hadn't had DD2, I would have thought the same as you?

DD2 was the exact opposite - a little cling-on who couldn't be put down, who sobbed whenever I left the room (e.g. to pop to the loo), and who never napped for more than 20 mins at a time. I was utterly exhausted. Trying to look after and entertain DD1 at the same time as taking care of my little cling-on nearly broke me.

Lannie

Yes I accept that each child is different. My DD2 was easy, DD2, not so much, but she did sleep.

I was also surrounded by friends at the same stage as me so it was fun. Yes, of course kids are hard work, but well, but yeah,

OP probably wanted kids more than her OH.
I am sure if he got himself a classic car to restore, OP wouldn't be in the garage working on it..

Nadia

What a ridiculous comparison! Couples don't always have to share each other's hobbies. But if two people decide to have a baby together, they both need to accept that the baby will come with responsibilities.

Lannie My second was like yours too, and for the first 6 months or so she breastfed nearly every hour. DH coming home from work was such a relief.

Come on now, you are aft home at the moment that’s your full time. Job, your husband is working out of the home, that’d his full time job. I don’t see what the issue is, put the kids to bed before 8pm and you can both have a couple of hours to unwind. Hopefully you will feel happier once you are back at work earning similar to your husband. Make sure you hire a cleaner.

I dont think you appreciate quite how much fathers have stepped up simce the 60's and 70's. I take my hat off to my sons and sons in law. They are fully participating in all the family roles and it is taken for granted sometimes. It has taken 40 years and has been a drip drip process. Enjoy

I worked full time and still had to do all that you mentioned as well as sorting all the bills, shopping etc.

(PS. three children too)

The stage you are going through is so hard. It’s lonely, exhausting & mainly unappreciated. All I can say is that it will get easier. Make sure he realises how you feel, especially about sharing the mental load of being a mum. I’m still working on it myself with my dh & my children are much older!

I really don5 like the poor me syndrome. I have a business and three children, when I stay at home, it’s not only a walk in the park but can be mentally debilitating, I am sure you will be happier as soon as you start working again.

Like I said, hire a cleaner and don’t under estimate your husbands full time job either. There are lots of people who will appreciate what you have. Appreciate yourself, don’t wait for hubby to say well done. Do things because you choose to.