To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

I work FT and DH works very part time. I am wildly jealous that he gets to spend all day with DS and I have the enormous stress of being responsible for all the bills.

I do do loads at the weekends though so maybe I am helping out more than your DH.

Sorry just before I get jumped on I am not saying he has it easier - it was meant to be a "grass is always greener" type post.

FASH, I'm glad you did.

Sadly I married a staunch anti feminist. I was quite naive and not particularly feminist myself at the time. Have got a lot more so as I've got older and I also unfortunately had to become an involuntary sahm for reasons I wont go into now.

I've reached the point where I'm simply staying for the sake of the DCs, and biding my time until I too can leave when they go to uni. It's not long now.

Elisheva childcare will enable him to work too. That's why it's his job to sort it out too.

But that all sounds pretty normal. You're looking after the dc, he;'s bringing in all the money and supporting you all financially. Does he do his fair share at weekends and in the evenings?

Sounds like you'd be happier back at work. (But then there would also be pressures - kids in nursery, nursery costs, picking them up in time, trying to fit housework and shoping etc into free time.)

Are you stressed about your 3yo not settling at nursery? They may just not be ready; I took my 3yo out of nursery as he hated it, then tried him again 6 months later and he was ready then, but obviously it depends whether you have work to go back to.

Why can't you get your ds in the car? Are you struggling to cope with his behaviour? That can obviously have a negative effect on how much you enjoy being a SAHM.

Sounds like you need to have an honest talk to your husband. What would help you? Having some child free time? Him taking a more equal role in thinking about all the house stuff that needs to be done, or him actually doing more?

I think the grass is always greener.
I’ve been married with a baby, and single with a young child. And though I’ve not been a SAHM I’ve done 13 months maternity leave with all the childcare sorting.

Yes, he doesn’t have the monotony of full time child caring.
But he either has a job that isn’t demanding - in which case he has his share of demanding - or his job is demanding, in which case you’re luckily missing out on the work shit that he’s getting. Preparing for pointless annual appraisals, anyone?!

As for appreciating the housework... should he really say “thanks for doing all the cleaning?”. Well, only if you want to say “thanks for all the money earning”. Of course, he should then say “thanks for enabling the money earning”... etc.
You probably both need to talk about how you show appreciation.

You also need to not be a martyr. If you don’t want to deal with all the nursery choosing - you should have told him. There is no reason him not to google options, take a day off t have several visits. Those things are not onerous.

Mental load is real, but in my opinion it’s become somewhat overhyped, and makes people just feel more discontent. Now we have a label to complain that we have so much mental load. Well, no - mostly what you have is just living life. You say he doesn’t have that - but you don’t have the work demands that he has. I have far more mental load keeping on of work than running my home and managing my child’s day.

Make sure he’s pulling his weight.
Don’t opt him out of things (like nursery?) if you’re not happy to do it alone.
Find a way to communicate your appreciation both ways (I don’t give a shit if my husband notices that I’ve washed up - I feel loved and appreciated from his other actions).
And don’t get hung up on mental load - because he probably does have more than you think he has, and because some of the mental load is anyway just life.

I had a breakdown at my dp last night over how I can't carry on as I am. Baby is eight weeks old (velcro baby) and I'm drowning trying to keep ontop of the house etc and with no sleep.
The three step kids are here too for two weeks and I'm left with all the cooking etc and tidying for them , I used to do it but I just can't with a very young baby. He is screaming around dinner time so cooking is a nightmare. Honestly work was less stressful and I'm looking forward forward to going back asap.
Dp seemed to think he was pulling his weight and wants asking to do jobs and reminding. I don't have the energy to remind a grown man to feed/clean out his pets or clean the bathroom. Tbh when he's away for work and it's just me and baby it's soo much less work! I can co sleep and just not cook if I don't have the energy and do small bits as I go.

Btw I miss the mental load! Bring on using my brain again and talking to grown ups.

But you can’t have two people organising ‘home admin’, it would be chaos. One person needs to take the lead, or things will be missed. When my DC needed childcare I did most of the investigating and visits - because I wasn’t at work, then we discussed together which option would work best for us and for the child.

I've been in the same situation. I was resentful of my DH because in my eyes his life carried on as normal after having kids and I got the shit end of the stick being home with the kids with nothing for myself.

Honestly, he didn't have it any easier and what has made things better is communicating with him. Telling him how I'm feeling and understanding how he feels too (He thought I had it easier lol). But also making time for myself and doing things for myself have made a huge difference. Actually having a break once in a while. I'm changing jobs soon so will actually have some me time again and I cannot wait!!

Good plan to challenge the wifework dynamic now. Its entrenched. Suggestions

• keep an eye out and make sure you’re not responsible for card sending, present buying or arrangements with his family, unless he does your family (including thank you cards/messages).
• if you do nursery communication/admin, what can he do? Eg doctors appointments, arranging playdates or babysitters, clubs or activites like swimming/dance. Put him down as the first phone contact or e-mail for half the things. If there’s parent rotas, don’t automatically do it yourself. If cake stall needs cakes etc
• share special occasion work like making/sorting birthday cakes, birthday tea, christmas dinner, buying ‘big presents’ (don’t just do it because you like to, it becomes an expectation).
• sort domestic tasks in a way that doesn’t leave you as ‘co-ordinator’ eg he shops and meal plans one week, you do the next, or one of you always does that, the other does the washing.

[sigh] unfortunately all this stuff is hard, and does logistically work better with one domestic co-ordinator, but its not fair and its a drudge.

You are off on maternity leave, he goes out to work. When would he have the time to look at nurseries, was he able to take time off? Or is it the fact he was never involved in any discussion about it?

I once saw a lovely cartoon - woman sitting back in armchair, piles of mess, toys and washing everywhere, kids fighting, total chaos - and husband arriving home, standing aghast at the door.

Caption read (wife saying) 'I thought the best way to show you what on earth I do all day, was not to do it.'

OMG Ellisandra - your post should be stuck on the front page of MN (and Dadsnet if such a thing exists!).

Brilliantly put.

YANBU and YABU

How you're feeling is understandable and almost universal for sahms... BUT as the at-home parent, you should be taking on the majority of the logistics of childcare and household. DH is probably feeling burdened by the financial responsibility - now you have children and one income, keeping his job is more important than ever before.

My DH and I have a similar arrangement to you - he earns all the money and I do all the house and child stuff. At times I have felt aimless, overworked and overlooked. It gets easier as the children grow and you get more time to yourself and more structure to your days. But sometimes it has been really hard. I can remember one particular evening (I had PND at the time, undiagnosed) when he was out on a works do then called at 9pm to say he'd be even later back than planned as they were going on from dinner to drinks somewhere. I'd had a crying baby all day (about 14 hours by that point), and couldn't put her down. I'd eaten my breakfast lunch and dinner with one hand, holding her, and I just needed someone to come and take her for me for an hour. He thought I was jealous that he was having fun, but it was much more than that. He thought his only responsibility was earning money, but he'd forgotten that he also needed to support me in other ways too. I still don't think he really understands how it felt to be at home with little children all day - how could he, as he's never had to do it?

However, he is a caring DH and tries his best to understand. One thing that works for us, is that DH does equal cooking and tidying etc at weekends and holidays. I do his evening meal for him during the week, but if he's late back or whatever, he gets a salad so I only need to cook once (for me and the kids). If your DH goes out to work then comes home and expects you to wait on him in the evening and at weekends, I can imagine it would compound your feelings and you would be completely reasonable to feel the way you do.

As pp have said The only way through this is to talk to him and let him know how you feel and how he can help to change things for you. Getting an outside hobby and leaving him with some of the house and child responsibilities for a couple of hours a week is a good idea, but you also have to accept that he will do things differently to you, and that can cause a whole new kind of stress.

My DH openly admits that most men haven't changed at all despite years of feminism and fighting for greater equality. He says they just want a wife to provide a decent meal and sex. He is openly derogatory of pretty much all women at work, says theyre a pain to work with, whereas the men are all easy going and laid back. He is in a very male dominated environment (IT).

I think because he grew up with a mother who did everything in the house and a dad who just went to work and that's it, that's the attitude he's grown up with.

He's also a devotee of Jordan Peterson and gets really angry at any news story where a man has been accused of sexual harassment at work etc and says in the old days nobody would have complained.

He is 50, don't know if that should make any difference though?

Urgh dimsum, your husband sounds highly irritating.

Men always blame their misogynistic views on 'the way they were raised' Which is bollocks. He's a grown man and presumably has a mind of his own?

Welcome to motherhood

Get used to it for the next twenty years.

I’ve never once known a man to carry the mental load.

Surely you could have asked him to view a nursery with you? (He still won’t carry the mental load)

Many here are blabbering about feminism this is about motherhood.

@dimsum123 he sounds awful. Age isn't an excuse, my dad is 65 and doesn't share those views, and has always done a lot around the house, when I was little he would even plait my hair for school each morning because I liked it the way he did it, apparently it's like splicing rope 🤷. He came from a very old fashioned Catholic family with seven brothers and a sister, my GM didn't work but she was head of the household, respected and GF would take on some of the household tasks despite working sixty hour weeks, because she was his wife not his housekeeper (his saying). FIL is 57 and a staunch feminist, he introduced DH to the book everyday sexism, and DH works in an environment with service users who's similar views to your DH have led them to the wrong side of the law, so his job includes picking apart belief systems, recognising the impact and challenging them, whilst equipping his clients with the skills to do the same. I hope you get out of there soon, you deserve so much more than that and despite the prevailing views on MN there are lots and lots of men out there who don't buy into the wifework nonsense .

@Melliegrantfirstlady

Welcome to motherhood
Get used to it for the next twenty years.
I’ve never once known a man to carry the mental load
You need to reconsider the type of men you know

Imagine you go back to work. And he cares for DC's. Wouldnt u expect him to sort out the childcare too? And would you really go around applauding his efforts to clean?
No.
Yes i understand your argument. But personally i wouldnt even bother getting annoyed or wound up. But then i have a husband who works 14 hour days for our little family, dealing with arseholes and a manager who is amazing one day and the human form of a wankstain the next. Whilst i get to enjoy every waking moment with our beautiful daughter. He would give his right arm to swap places with me.

You both need to find a way to communicate with each other and equally appreciate each other. Your post shows there is a distinct lack of communication between you both, and rather than let these feelings fester from jealousy to resentment, speak to him.

@Spanglyprincess1 you literally just described my life! I have an eight week old. Step Kids. Although I have four not three. DP at work. Needs to be told to do stuff around the house, etc. I'm literally pulling my hair out. Well not literally but I am chopping it off. DP and I are arguing about the same issues over and over and ughhhhhhh

This is nothing to do with feminism. There's nothing to stop SAHMs going out to work full time, being the main breadwinner and 'helping out' with the house on evenings and weekends. If they don't do this then 99% of the time, that's down to their choices. Time to take some responsibility.

The burden of being the breadwinner, spending all day away from your home and family, taking on the sole responsibility and stress of 'providing' all have their own 'mental load'. Simplifying this into a binary men vs women is lazy and myopic.

Here we go again with another thread about how hard being a Sahm is and how much easier it is to go work.

I really don't get it! My OH worked 2h away so absolutely everything to do with the house and children was left to me. I also had two children suffering from severe colic and who were very demanding toddlers but still I found my times on maternity leave much easier than when I returned to work FT.

Yes there were times when I desperately needed a break from them and wished I could escape to work but all in all I found being at home easier because I had more control over my day. I planned my days in a structure way but if I had a very bad night I still had the option to put the children in the playpen and in front of TV and just vegetate just keeping an eye on them.

When I had a meeting to chair at work I had no choice but to concentrate and appear professional having had to take time to make myself look presentable whatever the amount of sleep I had that night and that was much more doubting.

So yes it very much depends on the pressure and demand of the job.

I really don't get all this 'mental load' and 'home admin' stuff, surely it's all just part of life, don't understand what the big fuss is? Never heard either term used anywhere other than here