To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

Baby is eight weeks old (velcro baby) and I'm drowning trying to keep ontop of the house etc and with no sleep.
The three step kids are here too for two weeks and I'm left with all the cooking etc and tidying for them , I used to do it but I just can't with a very young baby. He is screaming around dinner time so cooking is a nightmare. Honestly work was less stressful and I'm looking forward forward to going back asap.
Dp seemed to think he was pulling his weight and wants asking to do jobs and reminding. I don't have the energy to remind a grown man to feed/clean out his pets or clean the bathroom. Tbh when he's away for work and it's just me and baby it's soo much less work! I can co sleep and just not cook if I don't have the energy and do small bits as I go.

Just wanted to offer a big hug and . Two years ago I was in an almost identical situation - even down to the step kids - and I won’t lie, it was hell. Sheer hell.

The good news is that it doesn’t last forever and it will get better. Sounds trite but it’s true. In my case I had to really put my foot down with my husband and have a lot of arguments in order to renegotiate the balance so that it was fairer.

He used to leave for work at 7am, leaving me to get three children - newborn, two year old and seven year old - fed, dressed and ready for school on my own. Including teeth, wrestling the little ones into shoes/coats. Then we’d get in the car and battle traffic for the best part of an hour to get to the SDC’s school. Baby literally bright red, sweaty screaming in the back the entire way. Just horrendous.

I’d drop the SDC at school and very often drive round the corner and park in the local Sainsbury’s car park in the furthest corner, away from everyone, put on a nursery rhyme CD for the two year old and feed the baby while silently crying my eyes out. And that was just the beginning of the day. I then had to do that journey in reverse in the afternoon to pick SDC up and then deal with all three of them until bedtime, when my husband would breeze through the door just in time to kiss them all goodnight.

After six months of that I basically told him I wasn’t doing it any more. He needed to take responsibility for sorting the SDC’s school run, and he needed to pull his finger out of his arse when it came to doing his share of housework when he was at home. He used to leave his dirty clothes down the side of the bed. I only washed stuff that was in the washing basket. When he moaned I told him to put his stuff in the basket then. He told me I needed to put a reminder in my phone to remind him to put stuff in the washing basket

Things went nuclear, I was so near the end of my tether with PND and his ignorance that I nearly walked. I was prepared to. Eventually we found a common ground and he helped me make some changes to make things easier for me.

The youngest DC is three now and we’re definitely coming out the other side of it. I’m about to go back to work full time and am looking forward to it so much. I’ve always had high flying ‘career’ jobs with travel and stress, but that first year at home with my youngest was the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

I don’t know what the answer is. But it’s fucking hard and so under appreciated and supportive hugs and sympathetic arm squeezes to everyone in the middle of it right now.

Revertuis - feeling your pain.
Honestly I miss my work, i hate the lack of structure in my day and the isolation. Id rather work on no sleep than have to deal with screaming baby who won't settle and be in tears thinking I'm the worst mother on earth. If my dp would be a sahd full time I'd bite his arm off! I'd gladly take on the other responsibilities. I hope I feel differently when baby is older.

The burden of being the breadwinner, spending all day away from your home and family, taking on the sole responsibility and stress of 'providing' all have their own 'mental load'. Simplifying this into a binary men vs women is lazy and myopic.

I agree with this. And I'm a SAHM. There are different ways of slicing the apple when it comes to earning money/looking after children and home. One way will work better for some people; another for others. The key in your own setup is to communicate with each other and make sure you're both singing from the same hymn sheet. This applies whether you both work or if one of you is a SAHP. It's not necessarily a male/female thing at all.

I’ve worked full time/part time/been a sahm

No option was easy. Life aint a picnic. Children are hard work, the house is hard work, work is hard work

And fash no I don’t think I do need to consider what sort of men I know.

They are all participating in family life and work on some level.

OP is going back to work in Sept, doesn't say if it's FT or PT.

I think if you look back to how your setup was even before kids came along, that will explain how things have got to where they are now. A partner who has never taken on 50% of the domestic side (and I include the mental load in that), and has been looked after / facilitated in this, isn't going to suddenly change and pick it up when DCs are there and the facilitating partner has too much to deal with.

I find it really sad that the OP's DH hasn't taken an interest in his son's childcare arrangements, but it's an attitude that's come from somewhere and been facilitated. He hasn't got a stressful job, he's clearly competent enough to maintain his own employment, there's nothing stopping him from stepping up and shouldering his share. He's just probably not been expected to before. If the parameters at home are changing, he needs to be fully briefed and expectations explained clearly. OP, please don't turn into one of those parents who finds themselves doing absolutely everything, unless that's the family dynamic and setup you want.

I don’t get this either. Surely the children and associated administration are your job, in

But housekeeper, many and cook are 3 jobs and even if they employed people to do those jobs the OP would still be responsible for all the child related admin and food shopping and I am willing to bet night waking as well. . Really interested in the range of views expressed on here. These threads always make me glad I married a man who wants to spend time with his kids and be involved in making a home for them.

Not every man is a misogynist.

swingofthings I am willing to bet that when you went back to work full time your DH did not step up and share all the child and home related tasks with you. If you were still responsible for most of those then that explains why it was tough. Even if he takes on half the load that still leaves half for you. The Op's situation is different because her husband lets her take on ALL of these tasks and takes no responsibility for them so all he has to do is go to work and come home. Why dont people get that?

dimsum123 how can you be married to such a vile man? Dont you have any self respect.

*many = nanny

OP has not said she’s a SAHM! She has a small baby and has mentioned returning to work, so seems likely she’s on mat leave.

The mental load and “facilitated men” are real. Some posters suggest it’s “just life” - for women the domestic, parenting and mental load, for men being facilitated to work and earn more!

If you want to be a SAHM and do most of the domestic work and parenting, fair enough. That model works well for some.

But in heterosexual relationships when both partners work it’s usually still the woman who does more domestics, parenting and associated mental load. And that’s detrimental to women’s progress at work and wellbeing, and to family life too IMO.

dimsum123 - I sincerely hope you're getting your ducks in a row.
And it's not an age thing..... my DH is 70 and a staunch supporter of feminism along with all other forms of equality.

I understand how you feel OP and I get how hard it is to be the one who covers most of the childcare and the mental load of domesticity. It’s understandable that you are jealous of someone who gets to “escape” while you are in a situation which can be overwhelming and thankless at times.

It sounds like your main issue is feeling unappreciated for all that you do behind the scenes. Hopefully you can discuss with your husband and he can start acknowledging your efforts and maybe taking on some more of the mental load stuff. Don’t worry about nursery, your toddler will settle in, just takes a while!

chimes, thank you, and yes I am. I will absolutely be ltb but at a time and in a manner that suits me and is best for my children. In the meantime, we have a nice lifestyle, so I'm happy to bide my time until the youngest goes to uni.

Personally, I've never understood this "life admin" stuff. What is that? Don't people just crack on with what needs to be cracked on with? What's so laborious about it?

Yes, it is extremely likely YABU. Jealousy and resentment are a waste of emotions - normally the result of very one-sided, self-centred thinking. You could view your own role and impact much more positively if you chose to, rather than viewing it as a thankless grind. You could do the same for your dh's role, too, as it doesn't sound like you think he has much importance in any area of life, given that you dismiss his work as not particularly difficult or stressful, whilst hating the thought he would dismiss your housework and home admin in the same fashion. The expression double standards comes strongly to mind - you expect lots of appreciation for your contribution, but quite happily write his contribution off in a short, thoughtless sentence at the end of your OP.

Red

I think the issue arises when one person (almost always the mother) finds herself responsible for organising everything and her DH is seemingly oblivious, even if he does his share of housework, childcare, drop offs etc.

You know, dental appointments and hair cuts for DCs, Christmas arrangements, planning and booking holidays, buying presents and cards, remembering which bin is emptied on which day and putting it out and all manner of other things.

Generalising hugely (and of course NAMALT and NAWALT) but there is definitely a trend and there's a whole list of things that wouldn't get done, or would get done late or badly, if they were left up to the man of the house to do all by himself.

This explains the issue perfectly.

Some posts are a bit harsh. I appreciate my partner needs to earns living to pay bills, but he also needs to look after his children and home. They are both equal. My
job on mat leave is to look after the baby not clean after him/do everything around the home.
I think the main difference is lack of downtime, my dp works away often and yes he was hard but he gets to stop, have a nights sleep and a beer with colleagues etc over the weekend while working away. On mat leave I don't get this, the job is 24/7 and I think that's what causes the resentment/jelous.

'say my husband helps out round the house '

Stop with the 'help' thing

I remember feeling like this on mat leave. It will get better when you go back to work. Just make sure you negotiate how things will work when you go back to work.

As for appreciating the housework... should he really say “thanks for doing all the cleaning?”. Well, only if you want to say “thanks for all the money earning”. Of course, he should then say “thanks for enabling the money earning”... etc. You probably both need to talk about how you show appreciation.

Well, yes and no. The way I see it, if DH was single and childless, he'd still need to do his washing and cook for himself and make sure his house was clean and hygienic.

I can see the point of view that the partner who's at work all day could reasonably expect that the partner who's at home with the DCs should own all the admin relating to the DCs (however boring that may be). But I don't see why working out of the home all day means you should be exempt from cooking a meal or sticking a wash on or scrubbing your own skids off the loo.

If someone did all my washing and cooking for me, I'd be grateful.

If someone so much as makes me a cup of tea these days I want to weep with gratitude.

A big factor in this is how much outside help you have too. I think when you don't have any family or friends who can help out, it makes things a lot harder.

I get so jealous when I hear people talk about their family up the road who take the DCs for sleep overs all the time, etc. When there's no respite it feels relentless.

Ah I don't know OP. I'm a SAHM and I do the lion's share of housework, take on the mental load and so on because DH works very long hours. The other day I was thinking about it though and would I like to go back to work full time when he stays at home? I think I would be jealous of him if he did. It can be monotonous and thankless but so can working. I guess there is an element of pressure that comes with being the breadwinner. Can that be considered equal to carrying the mental load? I don't know but again, I know I wouldn't like it for myself.

With regards to the nursery choosing - presumably OP is free during the middle of the day (which is when it's best visit nurseries) and her OH is at work. Expecting him to take time off for visits seems a bit OTT ...

Why jealous?

Instead pissed off and so determined to talk things through and make changes.

@LotsOfSemiColons

If someone so much as makes me a cup of tea these days I want to weep with gratitude.

Me too! Single mum too by any chance?

If you don't get him involved he won't be invested, don't just organise stuff without saying anything have a conversation about what your doing put some of the responsibility back on him instead of carrying the load.

I think the core problem often is that men consider they have fulfilled their obligations by going out to a wage-earning job and therefore, when they are not 'at work' they are entitled to do whatever they like, whereas the SAHM is on duty 24/7. So the man will have at least one hobby, or a regular night out with his friends, because he needs to relax, and yet the woman will struggle to persuade him to mind the children for a couple of hours once every few months, so she can get her hair done or meet a friend for coffee...