To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

I don't think it's over hyped at all. I've barely come across it until the last week when I googled I feel like I'm doing everything, which is exactly how I feel.
With regards to nursery he didn't need to come and see it with me but he could have researched different ones in our area. I suppose what I'm looking for is for him to take the bull by the horns and do some of the tasks that I do without me having to prompt him.

I guess I'm just sick of some of the mundane, ridiculously boring jobs that fill my day but are constantly needed to keep the house ticking over. My husband leaves for work focuses on that one thing whereas I feel (rightly or wrongly) that I am at home juggling all the plates. I felt the same when I went back to work after my first child. I had a full on job and still did all the shitty jobs. I know I'm my own worst enemy by not asking him to help.

Expecting others to notice what needs to be done without having to tell them has always irritated me intensely as a concept. It is more often than not a disingenuous way of saying that you like everything to be done by your standards, the other person does not have your standards, and rather than talk to them about it and risk losing control and having to accept different standards from the ones you like, you do everything yourself and sulk about the fact they don't have the same standards as you.

The only dh I've ever known who wanted an active role in every household decision made was a controlling git whose dw left him for that reason. It is exhausting having someone disagree with all your research into nurseries, and on how often cloths need changing or surfaces need dusting, and on whether your children need haircuts yet or not.

Men often care less about the minutiae of raising kids.

If my ex was dressing the kids and noticed that they had grown taller so needed longer trousers, he'd go out and buy them some straight away. I might have bought the next size up in preparation which you could say is mental load but it's more because I am an anxious person. It wouldn't have entered my ex's head until it was needed. I created the work by worrying, buying ahead etc where as he happily didn't think about it until it was time to think about it.

He was the same about nursery and schools etc. We are split up now and he totally trusts my judgement on this. I think that in his mind, if the school is crap then we can pull out the kids and start again where as I went to the open evenings etc The mental load was created by me as I'm a worrier I suspect that in his mind, most nurseries are fine so there's not much to the process. He'd want to see the facilities and if he saw lots of happy kids then he'd probably sign up our child straight away.

You can't be annoyed if you don't tell him what the problem is or what he can do to help. He might not be able to make 2pm at a potential nursery, but he can book a boiler service or whatever isn't time dependent.

he didn't need to come and see it with me but he could have researched different ones in our area Then how do you compare?

OP you with off load some stuff, create universal standards (no fucker stands still or sits down until we all do), or as my DM said to me when I complained about being bored "oh for goodness sake we were all bloody bored, you're lucky you can work part time"

In the end my going to work while my wife was at home killed our marriage. No one thing really, I dont think i was a bad husband or my wife was a bad wife both of us just couldnt get past the other had it better. Silly really! One thing i did notice was that at one time i worked weekends and therefore did the schoolrun 2 days a week I felt much more involved and able to take a greater share of organising/planning, once I worked 9-5 M-F I couldnt begin to get my head around school planning. In theory having weekends off should have been so much better but actually made things far worse.

OP I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel. What you feel is understandable. I think your husband sounds disengaged with his children too. He should be interested and want to know about the nurseries his children are attending. And also want to drop his children off occasionally. I think sometimes men use work to abdicate responsibility for their children. It is easy to go to work and come back home and not engage with the day to day practicalities of bringing up children. This is not on, unless they really have a stressful, full on job. And it does not sound like you believe that your husband does have one. Ask your husband to drop your children off occasionally. It will be good for him and also them. I also think he should be interested in what childcare is provided for his children. But the problem is once he starts to take an interest you might have to take his views into account:) At the moment you are free to take all the decisions yourself.

Disagree with roundabouthetown. Noticing what needs doing is part of parenting and domestic work.

Men who do fuck all of this type of work often use the “overly high standards”, “controlling about domestics / the kids” arguments. Perhaps even persuade themselves.

Lots of posters here are saying that OP should essentially swallow the shit sandwich.

“Now we have a label to complain that we have so much mental load. Well, no - mostly what you have is just living life”. Living life as a mother whose partner doesn’t do his fair share. Not the life of her partner, who is facilitated so has much less work and thinking to do.

Sometimes it is incredibly difficult for a working parent to be heavily involved. I work 8.30-5.30 M-F with a 45 minute commute, during work time i have no access to phone or internet. I would love to be more involved in my DC's schooling but even dropping them off would mean a disciplinary at work and they would be stood outside a shut school for 15 minutes for me to pick them up. Many things are arranged or discussed in the playground with other parents or teachers and if I was to contact a teacher I would recieve no reply till during school hours and I then could not respond till outside school hours. I use all my holidays during school holidays which means that time off to view a school would be unpaid and I would prefer to save such goodwill for plays or sportsdays. When I at home I spend every second I can with my DC and take them dancing every weekend but no matter how hard I try i struggle to be involved in schooling.

YAB a bit U OP. Your DH is presumably working 8 hours a day, possibly commuting either end, then coming home to cook you dinner, help bathe the kids and do his own laundry. I really can’t see how you are being short changed with that. I do think he should be showing some appreciation for things you have done though.
I don’t mean to sound tough, but you need to change your approach and find some motivation. I have two school age kids, work full time and do almost all of the housework/cooking, all laundry and most of the club/activity runs and shopping. I ‘researched’ all nurseries, schools and clubs. DH pays bills, unstacks dishwasher and cooks one meal a week. (I’m working on increasing this!)
You need to talk your situation through with DH though, because you sound really miserable. perhaps domestic life is just not your thing, and you will be happier back at Work. Please remember kids get much easier as they get older. Good luck

Singletomingle - you sound like you are doing your utmost for your kids within the confines of your job. But does OP's husband? I don't know what OP's husband does. But in a lot of jobs, there is some time at lunch break to do admin for kids (sort out after school/order uniform/pay for activities or even just think of things related to the kids) and some jobs have flexi-time so you can drop your kids off sometimes etc but men often don't take advantage of this. It's actually easier doing that sort of job in work rather than in maternity leave, when you are juggling baby/sleep deprived etc

awatchedpot in the end it wasnt enough my wife could never get over the fact i got 11 hours child free and away from the house a day nor I that she got to spend that extra time at home both with our kids and looking after the home. I know many men arent as active as they could be but sometimes its just both partners cant see that they each have different roles which enable the other to do their role. Neither have it harder just different.

OP is not a SAHM.

Well she's not WOTH at the moment...

Maybe just remember that all the work you are doing at home and raising the children is extremely valuable and important. Sometimes society doesn't value what we do at home as it doesn't bring money in but the work at home has intrinsic value, and these little things you do for your family benefit them greatly, not just today but in years to come. So take pride in what you do in the home and remember it's incredibly important xx

I have sympathy because I did feel that staying at home with preschool children was quite boring, with things needing to be done again and again and no sense of moving forward sometimes. I felt much better back at work and getting a cleaner / sharing out jobs in the evenings / not doing non essential housework.

But some (most?) paid jobs feel like that too sometimes!

I know it's hard ...but imagine being a single parent

She’s on mat leave, with a 3 year old and a 6 month old baby! Hardly easy.

Hardly difficult either!

What Ellisandra said.

A lot of tasks I do, my husband would never bother about either married to me or living alone. So they are things I deem necessary.

And 'mental load' - really??

I disagree with Loopytiles. It is perfectly normal not to notice what needs doing if some tiresome silent martyr does it all without talking about it. If you want someone else to get involved more, you stop doing it all yourself and talk to them about it constructively. Silent resentment is a pathetic waste of time.

And how much effort does it really take to say, "let's research nurseries together"?

Or, "can you do the gardening this week"?

And I'd be a bit annoyed if my dh decided he'd noticed the towels "need" washing and went and put them on when I had decided the washing machine needed using for a clothes wash. I'd far rather we talked about it first, or had a set routine we'd agreed on if not, than that we both went around annoying each other by noticing different things and perceiving different needs without thinking we needed to open our mouths.