To feel jealous of my husband

[RP235]

Hi,

Before I get started I have to say my husband helps out round the house and is a good 'un but I feel so jealous/resentful sometimes.

Whilst he goes off to work everyday I am at home with a three year old and 6 month old.
I do most of the house work (which goes unnoticed) and organise my children's days.
I have recently organised childcare for my 3 year old for September so that it's covered when I go back to work. I did all the research and visits.
My son hasn't settled well during initial settling in sessions and today has refused to go. Won't get in the car later I suspect.
My husband has none of the 'mental load/admin' when he gets home. I deal with it all and it goes unnoticed.
Most days he comes home has a couple of hours of family life/chaos and then it's bedtime. AIBU to feel jealous that he doesn't have to experience the constant overwhelm/monotony of running the family home. For information I don't think his job is particularly demanding or stressful.

I know what you mean op. Until quite recently I made every single household decision, from the insignificant to more important financial ones. I found it tiring. I'm a SAHM so fully accept that I do the lions share of cleaning etc but that's not what the mental load is, it's the constant stream of things that need doing, prioritising them and getting them sorted. Dp would defer to me on pretty much everything, I decided what we ate, where we went, when we went there, how we got there, what the kids wore.....It took some of the pleasure out of pleasurable stuff. The only way out if it is to just stop though, and it's harder than I thought to do so!
I told dp that certain tasks were now his responsibility and left him to it. I don't think a single member of his family got a gift on time last year, but that's up to him, all of the household stuff he just cracks in with because he's not incapable. When I hear my friends complain about this very problem I always ask why they don't just stop and they always say 'because if I don't do it, it won't get done' . Their partners all hold down jobs, are clearly functioning adults so i'm certain that they could, if called upon do the relatively easy tasks at home, they are just never called upon. And I do realise that you shouldn't have to ask but when you're in the position where you do everything then you do sometimes have to ask, but only ask once then it's their responsibility.

I'm done with this forum.

There were some really helpful comments early on and I agree we need to communicate more about what there is do around the house.
There are also some comments which are, as expected for mumsnet, just rude.
I'm not here to say I do everything more that I'm sick of thinking if everything that needs doing. I currently feel overwhelmed from sleep deprivation, constantly breastfeeding as well as thinking of all the shitty little things that keep the place going.
Yesterday morning as my husband drove off to work I thought to myself wouldn't it be nice occasionally just to be able to compartmentalise my life a bit more so that it doesn't build up.
I'm not a martyr I don't mind graft and a bit of hard work and my husband like I said is happy to do things. It's more the envy that I bet he doesn't think of these things. I have to ask him.

Some people have picked up on the whole ' I don't expect other people to notice if things need doing.' Utterly ridiculous, if the bin is full and needs emptying but I haven't had time to do it, then yes it is not u reasonable to expect my husband to do it. After all it is also his waste and why should he not notice it without prompting.

I think some comments on here are unhelpful in perpetuating the status quo whereby one person takes on the vast majority of the household jobs, admin, ferrying children around etc. I'm saying it should be shared (if two adults live at home).
Why should one person do almost everything even if the other works?
During the day I spend most of my time playing with, feeding and caring for my children. It's not a job but it's still full time. I'm then up in the night maybe 3 times feeding the baby. Is it unreasonable to expect my husband to do some of the thinking even if he goes to work? I don't think so.

Totally agree with your OP, there have been some very eye rolling comments from “cool wives” who like to pretend it’s all a breeze.

It’s not so much the volume of the “mental load” orvthat any of it is particularly challenging. It’s that you probably don’t really get much opportunity to deal with it all due to sleep deprivation and childcare, and it all builds up and feels overwhelming and sometimes you’d like to run away from it all. We ALL feel like that at times and anyone who says they never have is full of shit.

Nope, not unreasonable in the least. He should have to do some of the thinking and planning too. Having two very young dc is hard but it shouldn't but disproportionately harder for one parent and it sounds to me like in your house you do have it harder. I think you've had a tough time on this thread (in part because some pp assumed you were a SAHM ).

I apologise, RP235, for being excessively blunt in my opinions. It's perfectly normal to feel the resentment that you do. Tbh, though, you sound too exhausted to think constructively about this, if you are still at the level of wanting your dh to notice the bin needs emptying when he gets home. Some people don't notice a bin needs emptying until it has flies coming out of it and filth caked down its front. Stop hoping he will notice little things around the house and talk to him about it - you will never share the mental or physical load fairly if you expect him to be capable of suddenly switching on his mental load radar when he walks into the house. At the moment, you are coming across a bit as wanting him to suffer the same feelings of never being able to switch off that you are feeling, rather than wanting to find ways to reduce your own stress, and that's just not constructive. Why focus on wanting him to suffer, too?

Thank for the last few comments you've all summarised what I have probably badly been getting at.

To the pp, you're right I suspect there are a few on here that are just stirring the pot to make me feel worse and play the holier than thou card as if lives a breeze. I suspect they're lying and would love it if someone else offered to take on board some of the household stuff.
As you said all the tasks are not particularly taxing or difficult and that's what makes it so boring and annoying. I'm always the thinker of the house and organising things. If my husband realised the towels needed washing and just did it I'd love it as it's one less thing to do. I wouldn't see it as a critique of my own household skills as someone else implied.
I suppose it's about sharing the burden/load of everyday life.
I have to say I did eye roll at those whose think because my husband solely earns the money (temporarily) I should suck it up and do everything else.

Thanks for the constructive comments. I am going to just ask him to do things or help. I'll explain that I'm tired of thinking of everything and he needs to do more. For example we need some work doing in the house and instead of me researching suitable builders he can do it.

It was very clear that you were on ML OP. Unfortunately some people see a mental load OP and immediately launch into their you chose to be a SAHM he's the breadwinner spiels. When you clearly didn't choose it what with you talking about going back to work, and when a person on ML could easily be the one bringing in more money!

Totally get it Op

Lack of initiative etc

Pisses me right off

Still causes loads of shit here.

Yeh exactly. I'm not a sahm. I'm a teacher and will be returning to work shortly.
I don't expect my husband to suffer and don't feel like I'm suffering, there are a lot worse things but more just a feeling of overwhelm sometimes-like yesterday morning. I just want to share the thinking more evenly between us that's all.

As for the bin comment it was more of an example and as I said yes I would expect him to notice if it needs changing as he would also expect me to notice. Someone has to do it but why should I always have to ask for something to be done when we're meant to be equals.

Sounds good op. And just let him do it. One of the things I made dp's responsibility was the bins actually. I said that he now did the bins and I've not emptied the bin or taken the wheelie bin out since. If it got a bit full I'd push it down a bit, this makes it harder to pull the bin bag out and a longer job, the bag splits etc. If it got completely full I'd put a carrier on top of it. This is exactly what he did previously. Of course he noticed and sorted it, it was a kind of 'oh yeah, I'm meant to do that' moment. It's letting go of the thinking that I have found quite hard, the first couple of birthdays in his family I was secretly itching to remind him, get something sorted myself but I don't really think about it now, just like he doesn't worry about mine. It has spread to most parts of out relationship now and we are much stronger and feel more like a team.

RP235 - so you say your dh expects you to notice the bin needs changing... Has he ever come to you and asked you why you haven"t changed the bin?? Do you think he sometimes thinks that in his head, but doesn't feel he should have to say anything about it? Or do you think he just doesn't think about it?
If you envy your dh's ability to compartmentalise, why are you wanting him to think of everything all the time, too? Why don't you talk to each other about how to share the work out so that you can both switch off from time to time?

Indubious, that sounds like a good idea. He's already responsible for his family's birthdays.
I think if I explain to him how I feel he'll understand.
Thanks for your comment. x

Roundabout-

I'm not expecting him to think about everything all the time as you suggest. I just think it's reasonable that he plays a greater role in taking the initiative over certain things.

As for the bin, I was using it as an example rather than something I have to do every time. I think more often than not he doesn't always think about things that need doing or organising because I do the lions share. I admit I facilitate this by not asking him to do things. That's something that needs to change. But is it right to have to ask him to do things? I'm not sure.

I do find it funny though that if people get a perspective that they don't like, the insults start. 'Cool wives' 'sheep' 'play the holier than thou card as if lives a breeze'

Perhaps other peoples lives are different. Perhaps, like my DH, his work role dominates his every working moment. What it doesn't mean though is that if my DH had an easier job, he wouldn't be doing more. We are equal, but it's not from the same sources.

One things for sure OP, teaching isn't a doddle, so you need to sort this now.

Yikes...

I don't mind constructive feedback and advice but as you put it 'can't really see the issue' and 'it's hardly hard work' raising a six month old and a three year old. These sorts of comments add nothing to the conversation and serve no purpose other than to be controversial and just rude. I don't care if you don't think it's hard work because I know it is at the moment and I dare say a lot of women/men would find it that way. Everyone's different, you're family might all be super helpful or you might do everything for them and be fine with it.
You also stated this is my 'job'. It's not I'm being a parent and looking after our house. In a short while I'll also have a job alongside this.

Yikes

If you don’t like being insulted perhaps you could try being less sanctimonious in your comments. Being home all day with a baby and toddler is “hardly difficult”? Perhaps that was your experience but I doubt many people would feel the same. My working friends (all in senior professional roles) invariably say they find going to work easier than being at home with the children.

The few people I know who don’t find it hard do fuck all with their kids and have very low domestic standards.

I was replying to the pp whose name started with 'Yikes....'

I was saying that they had said it was hardly difficult staying at home looking after two children and calling them out on an unhelpful comment.

I was saying that I have found it hard....

Yes OP I am replying to yikes too!

It’s a bit ‘well duh, what did you think it was going to be like’.

‘Motherhood’ isn’t some amazing spiritual journey of lovely insta photos. It is real life, and real life is boring and monotonous.

If you had chikdren with a man who doesn’t value you as an equal partner - moot fool you. Now is the time to draw a line in the sand and get the mental load shared.

RP235 - you see, that is exactly where I think you are going wrong. You are talking about a lot of very mundane, irritating things than need to get done by someone and it is not remotely in human nature to take the initiative on something that is already being done quietly and efficiently by someone else. So yes, I very much think you are being unreasonable to be taking the initiative on everything without comment while silently expecting him to jump up and down trying to find things he can get in there and do before you get round to it. He would, tbh, have to be thinking about everything in exactly the same way as you to even stand a chance of thinking of something before you did and getting on in there to sort it out before you got the opportunity. Or you could give him a bit of a steer, by making some things his responsibility from now on so that you no longer have to think of everything all the time, either...

He would, tbh, have to be thinking about everything in exactly the same way as you to even stand a chance of thinking of something before you did

Well yes, exactly. Isn't that the point?

roundabout

You make a really interesting point and I agree I also need to change and make him aware of the joint responsibilities we share in our home.

There's been some really interesting points in this thread about working, staying at home and mental load. I'm not going to comment any more but it's definitely food for thought. I only posted in a spur of the moment as I waved my husband off yesterday morning and things are definitely not as bad as it may seem from reading the posts on here.

x

Imtheonlyone...

Exactly what I thought.