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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

school trip

408 replies

sunshineNdaisies · 30/08/2018 17:11

DD is in her final year of primary school here in Scotland and every year they go on a residential trip. I don't want DD to go. DH thinks she should. She's 10, not 11 til end of January.

It's for 5 days, mon-fri at an outdoor education centre. They will be doing things in all weathers like canoeing, abseiling, walks, cycling etc. I've looked up the venue and it's 6 kids to a room, shared toilets/showers, middle of nowhere. The food menu example is all things my DD will hate. No vending machines, no mobile phones allowed, no calls to parents, not allowed to bring own sweets.

It'll be mid November - so very likely to be rainy, cold, windy, lots of midgies.

I know my DD. She's not outdoorsy at all. If there's no food she likes, she wont eat or survive on bread and butter. She will hate the rain, wind etc. She thinks she can take her phone so she can call us - she can't. I can see her being very homesick and upset. Two of the three teachers in charge are teachers that neither DD or myself like. Also, I fully expect my DD to start her periods soon, all the signs are there.

DD says she wants to go but this is because 'all her friends are going'. The cost is £320 and I'd much rather spend this money doing something that DD will actually enjoy, not spending that money only for DD to come home in tears which I'm 99% certain will happen.

DH and his parents think I should let her go for 'the experience' and 'she might end up liking it'. I'm being made to feel like a big baddy.

Also what can I do with DD during that week instead as DH has no annual leave left for us to take her somewhere else.

OP posts:
rainingcatsanddog · 30/08/2018 18:12

Would they have to put their own sheets, duvet and pillow covers on? I don't think DD or even any of her friends would do that easily? She can tidy her bed but making it needs me to help her

The children help each other. My son knew what to do so taught the other 3 how to put on a duvet cover. (We have fitted sheets so that's easy)

bigKiteFlying · 30/08/2018 18:12

Would they have to put their own sheets, duvet and pillow covers on? I don't think DD or even any of her friends would do that easily? She can tidy her bed but making it needs me to help her.

Something to askl school - though on my DC trips yes it's been a thing they were expect to do, first was yr 4 trip, and teachers generally thought that was a good thing - which I tend to agree with. Plus surely there is time for her to learn and practise if it is needed.

PhilomenaButterfly · 30/08/2018 18:13

Sunshine DD's never had to put her own sheet, duvet cover and pillow case on. They did have to make their beds and tidy their rooms every morning, and there was an inspection. They had to be able to use a shower and wash their hair themselves.

PolkerrisBeach · 30/08/2018 18:15

When my kids were at Ardmay they were expected to make up their beds. Putting a sheet on and fitting a duvet cover is not beyond an almost 11 year old. And teachers are on hand to help.

Anyway. This is a self-fulfilling prophecy. OP has decided that it will be shit, the food will be shit and her precious little pickle won't like it. So the child will hate it. If on the other hand the OP kept her ideas to herself (like any normal parent) and encouraged her DD to go, try new things and have a whale of a time, the daughter stands a much better chance of getting the most out of it.

AChickenCalledKorma · 30/08/2018 18:16

I still remember going on this story of trip at her age. There was stuff I hated about it and there was other stuff that I enjoyed. I would absolutely encourage you to let her go.

Learning to roll with other people and look after yourself a bit is all part of it. Putting on duvet covers and eating stuff you aren't massively keen on is just as educational as maths and english, in terms of life skills. Being away, and just getting on with it instead of phoning home every five minutes, will help her grow up, in a good way.

budgiegirl · 30/08/2018 18:16

There ARE some kids who are just not into that sort of thing

That’s true, but the OPs daughter won’t really know until she tries it.

Would they have to put their own sheets, duvet and pillow covers on?

Maybe, but if that’s worrying you, just teach her how to do it. I take a group of cubs away twice a year (8 to 10 year olds) and they have to help put up tents and sort their kit if it’s outdoors, they have to make their own beds if it’s indoors. They usually manage fine with a little adult supervision where necessary.

Really, if you are genuinely worried she won’t cope with making a bed, you really are mollycoddling her.

youarenotkiddingme · 30/08/2018 18:19

Tough one.

I was unsure my ds would like his and arranged a plan B which was daytime only. We also did a pre visit and they were happy to make sure things he would eat were available.

My ds is autistic though so was done via SEND arrangements and his Elsa was going and provided safe space etc.

He didn't get on at all and struggled massively yet they never rang me as I'd said they could or when he cried for hours wanting me.

I'm absolutely 100% sure they did what they felt best (think 4 nights living with him made them realise what life for me was like and they were giving me a break!). Plus o know it wasn't the easy option for them having him there.

He was actually quite traumatised by it and has refused to spend a night away from home since. However - he also did loads of activities I didn't think he'd try and was happy to watch the ones he didn't want to join in or 'help'.

So whilst it wasn't the 100% amazing experience for him (or the teachers!) he did get something out of it and also learnt a lot about himself and I don't regret spending the money for him to go. His was also November and the freezing temperatures didn't bother him in the slightest!

Imo you should let her go and find out for herself what her limits are and what she can and can't manage - better than never giving it a go.

Justnoclue · 30/08/2018 18:19

Would they have to put their own sheets, duvet and pillow covers on?

Even if she doesn’t know how, what a great way to learn. With your friends, having a giggle. Learning to solve a problem without your parents hovering. Priceless.

Nikephorus · 30/08/2018 18:20

There ARE some kids who are just not into that sort of thing
Agreed, and I was homesick when I went in primary school & didn't go on the final one. But the OP's DD actually wants to go. And that's the difference.

Purplepjs · 30/08/2018 18:20

We once took a child with autism on a y6 residential. He had severe food aversions and would only eat a handful of very specific foods. His mum was so worried, understandably so. She packed a full suitcase of his safe foods and we put it on the coach but never told the child (with mums agreement obviously!). It was there if he needed. I can’t tell you the tension as we all watched out of the corner of our eyes as he queued up the first night at the canteen. But he made his choice and ate it all! He never needed to know about his suitcase of safe foods. He may have gone home to tell mum the food wasn’t good, but he had learnt to challenge himself enormously and with huge success. We all nearly cried with pleasure for him!! Your daughter will have moments like this too.

itssquidstella · 30/08/2018 18:21

OP you think you are protecting your daughter but really you're babying her and ensuring she will never be able to take risks or push herself out of her comfort zone.

Worst case scenario, she doesn't eat much for a few days and gets a bit cold. The opportunities to build friendships and grow in confidence vastly outweigh those negatives!

If you continually protect her from doing anything even vaguely difficult or challenging then she will lose the ability and nerve, and could well end up with greater anxiety issues later in life.

SingingSands · 30/08/2018 18:23

The only thing genuinely holding her back is you, OP. I say that gently.

My DD was the least outdoorsy kid going, who only ate beige food and couldn't change a sheet to save her life and she loved her residential and still talks about it now.

Keep your concerns hidden, kids need to learn these skills and uncover strengths they didn't know they have, and so do their parents!

PolkerrisBeach · 30/08/2018 18:24

The OP has not said her child is autistic, or has any special needs.

Just that OP doesn't want her to go, and that the DD is fussy about food.

serbska · 30/08/2018 18:24

Would they have to put their own sheets, duvet and pillow covers on?

I can;t believe that has come out as a reason for her not to go.

Teach her. It is not hard to make up a single bed, especially with two children helping each other.

Marmite27 · 30/08/2018 18:25

I went. 6 bunk room. Still friends with 4 of them today 25 years later.

Let her go.

StoorieHoose · 30/08/2018 18:25

If it is dalguise she is going to the beds are made up for them but they have to strip them. Why not teach her how to make a bed though?

Marmite27 · 30/08/2018 18:27

Oh and we had the meanest teachers, but once you spend time with them outside of the normal school environment, you see a different side of them.

Milliepede · 30/08/2018 18:27

Fast forward a few years.. univeristy halls of residence and the OP anxiously hovering around outside....

SteggySawUs · 30/08/2018 18:28

Or DC had to put their own duvet covers etc on at their Y4 residential (some kids still only age 8). They all helped each other and had a laugh doing it and feeling all grown up.
Also I started my periods on a school trip, my friends helped me and all was fine, I was more embarrassed telling my mum when I got back than I had been telling my friends at the time!
A friend's child is a super fussy eater and only ate bread and butter for 5 days (so she says). Still loved the activities and the whole experience though!
I sobbed when eldest DC went on their first residential, made DH take them to school as I couldn't hold back the tears. But no way would I ever have held them back from going because of my emotion. (I'm a rock 'ard seasoned parent now 😆)

bridgetreilly · 30/08/2018 18:30

The thing is, when you're 10, you don't always know what you'll enjoy until you've tried it. Even when you're an adult, to be honest, but especially as a child. This kind of experience is new for your DD, so unless she actually goes, she won't know whether she'll like it or not. You have to be the parent here, and sometimes that means making her have a go at things that she doesn't think she'll enjoy. Sometimes that means spending money on things that don't work out. But if you and she aren't ever willing to try things you aren't sure she'll like, she'll have an incredibly restricted life.

It's a school trip. It's not like she's suddenly joining an outward bounds club. Half the kids won't have done these things before, and a lot of them will be nervous about it. That's what the instructors are there for. It is the best possible environment for her to try new things, expand her boundaries a bit, realise it's okay to eat things that she doesn't really like.

You would be doing her a massive disservice by not sending her on the trip. Especially since she's said she wants to go. Let her know that it's okay if she doesn't enjoy all of it, but that you're proud she wants to go and try things and become a bit more independent.

Fullofthought · 30/08/2018 18:32

My dd is in year 2 and will be having her first residential this year and one every year till the end of primary school

NaughtyNoraTheNamechanger · 30/08/2018 18:32

I was incredibly anxious as a young child and when I was offered a residential in primary 7 I didn't want to go either, with similar worries to your DD. My mum was amazing and encouraged me to go. So I went. And I, like many others, absolutely loved it. It was such an incredible experience and I was so so glad I went.

If your dd wants to go you should let her, she will learn valuable skills in independence, problem solving and facing fears and worries. Which are so so important. You can't protect her forever.

BluthsFrozenBananas · 30/08/2018 18:32

I didn’t go on my y6 residential, not because I didn’t want to but because there were a limited number of spaces and mine wasn’t one of the first forms handed back. It was awful for weeks after, all my friends had gone, they’d all bonded over the week and I was completely left out, having spent the week with only the nice but dull Jehovah’s Witness girl for company. I’m still bitter about not going thirty years later.

Also, you do realise that you can’t take your daughter out of school legitimately that week, don’t you. It’s still term time, children who don’t go on residentials are still expected to go to school. She’ll most likely be put in with the y5 class.

Lindy2 · 30/08/2018 18:35

You are being over protective. She wants to go so set your own worries aside and support and encourage her. It's not easy. My own SEN DD will be doing a similar residential this school year too.
There will be many firsts that are challenging to children and parents as they grow up. It's important not to try and avoid them but to support and encourage each other through them.

bridgetreilly · 30/08/2018 18:35

Would they have to put their own sheets, duvet and pillow covers on? I don't think DD or even any of her friends would do that easily?

Wow. Just wow.

I went to boarding school when I was 10. It literally never occurred to ANYONE - me, my parents, my teachers, anyone - that I was too young to make my own bed.

Besides, just think how great it will be when she's learned to do it for herself. You'll never have to change her sheets again!

Parenting is about helping your children to grow up. Not to keep them as dependant on you as possible.

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