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AIBU?

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Original poster

school trip

408 replies

sunshineNdaisies · 30/08/2018 17:11

DD is in her final year of primary school here in Scotland and every year they go on a residential trip. I don't want DD to go. DH thinks she should. She's 10, not 11 til end of January.

It's for 5 days, mon-fri at an outdoor education centre. They will be doing things in all weathers like canoeing, abseiling, walks, cycling etc. I've looked up the venue and it's 6 kids to a room, shared toilets/showers, middle of nowhere. The food menu example is all things my DD will hate. No vending machines, no mobile phones allowed, no calls to parents, not allowed to bring own sweets.

It'll be mid November - so very likely to be rainy, cold, windy, lots of midgies.

I know my DD. She's not outdoorsy at all. If there's no food she likes, she wont eat or survive on bread and butter. She will hate the rain, wind etc. She thinks she can take her phone so she can call us - she can't. I can see her being very homesick and upset. Two of the three teachers in charge are teachers that neither DD or myself like. Also, I fully expect my DD to start her periods soon, all the signs are there.

DD says she wants to go but this is because 'all her friends are going'. The cost is £320 and I'd much rather spend this money doing something that DD will actually enjoy, not spending that money only for DD to come home in tears which I'm 99% certain will happen.

DH and his parents think I should let her go for 'the experience' and 'she might end up liking it'. I'm being made to feel like a big baddy.

Also what can I do with DD during that week instead as DH has no annual leave left for us to take her somewhere else.

OP posts:
bruffin · 01/09/2018 09:50

I must be an awful mum then - I sent my dd off to Paris with her Brownie/Guide group when she was 9!

As i said above the summer camps in the US are from 7 years old. They do a trial first steps camp which is up to a week the summer before,.
minimum session next summer is 2 weeks, but most of the are 4 to 8 weeks, including the SEN children

Gersemi · 01/09/2018 10:17

The next few months will be teaching her to make her bed, do her washing, do dishes, hang washing up etc. She can do most of these things but not well.

OP, I'm quite sure that every parent of children going on that trip would say the same about their child. However, they definitely won't be spending three months teaching them how to do them "well", because no-one expects them to. Plus they certainly won't expect them to spend the trip washing their clothes and doing the dishes.

WilburIsSomePig · 01/09/2018 10:20

Every single residential that I've been on has had a couple of kids who get very homesick as soon as they get there. 9 times out of 10 they're fine by the end of day one because they have no time to think about it and are having too much fun. IF there is a child who struggles, it is always the one with the parents who have pretty much told them and the school that they'll hate it and won't cope.

Some parents are actually disappointed when they find out that their kids were not sobbing into their duvets at night for them. They're the needy ones, not their children.

GreenTulips · 01/09/2018 10:22

The only thing my DD had to learn was to swill her hair properly

They don't do washing or dishes.

Wet muddy stuff went in plastic bags.

They survive

BrieAndChilli · 01/09/2018 10:37

Speak to the teacher about any genuine worries eg periods and School bully.

DS1 went on his year 6 residential last year
He has ASD, still wets the bed occasionally, is hypermobile so awful at physical activities, constantly either on electronics or head in a book at home, can’t make his bed etc

His teacher made sure he and his 2 friends had the room which had an e suite (so if he had an accident he could clean himself up without others noticing) she also made sure he had somewhere quiet to go when all the noise got to michfor him,
I sent him with both sheets and a sleeping bag ( they could take either) so if he did have an accident he could use the other without it being a big deal.

He had an amazing time, joined in with all the activities and came back a much less fussy eater than when he went!

Willow2017 · 01/09/2018 11:25

No vending machines, no mobile phones allowed, no calls to parents, not allowed to bring own sweets.

Omg how will they all survive?

Let her go she wants to go thats all that matters. You are looking for problems for her. She will have a ball.

My eldest had problems at school with bullies causing emotional problems and i was worried about him but he was not forced to do anything he didnt want to do but he did try most things and loved the experience.

Let her spread her wings and discover things she might never get the chance to do otherwise. Dont make her scared to try new things just because you think she shouldn't/wont like it. You dont know what she wil like till she tries it.

MysteriousQuinn · 01/09/2018 11:51

Howling at one of your reasons for not wanting her to go being that she can't bring her own sweets 😂
Says it all really.

rainbowsandsmiles · 01/09/2018 12:05

The next few months will be teaching her to make her bed, do her washing, do dishes, hang washing up etc.

Why? Seems like you're looking for problems there. Don't make it all negative for her, which is what it's coming across as!
As in don't be all "you can go, but you're going to have to learn how to wash, tidy, do dishes etc...."
No,she doesn't! 10 year old went earlier this year, they dry up the dishes and they all muck in together, it's good for them!
They don't do their own washing, that's all for you when they get home in a big bag (thanks) Grin
Make it sound fun for her and keep yourself busy until they get home.

SassitudeandSparkle · 01/09/2018 12:24

Apart from showering and putting a pillow and sleeping bag on the bed, my DD didn't have to do any of that on her residential. It was a holiday with activities IMO, I wasn't sending her into service Hmm

OP, I realise it may take you a while to come to terms with this but you sound so bitterly resentful about no-one at home (or online) agreeing with you. You describe it as being over-ruled. Why does it feel so personal?

It is not on for you to be like this with your DD just because she wants to go away for a few days. Completely unjustified and unfair. Help her, don't resent her.

PhilomenaButterfly · 01/09/2018 12:38

All DD had to do at any of her 3 residentials wash tidy her own bed and tidy her room, or their room with the other children if she was sharing.

Gersemi · 01/09/2018 12:55

When DSis went on a residential with her year group, she had a bedroom that was effectively inside their dormitory. She made sure that any child who might have a problem was in the beds nearest to her, and told them they could wake her any time. Apart from one night when the autistic child didn't want to sleep, she actually had quite a peaceful time at night.

Mossend · 01/09/2018 12:59

I'm so glad for your dd that she is getting to go.

You do still sound quite negative about it though and will only be happy if she comes home upset and you've been proven right. This is a really strange attitude to have, surely you must want your dd to have an absolute ball whilst she's away.

Rather than spending the next few months teaching your dd how to make a bed spend it being positive about the trip and what your dd can actually do not focussing on what she can't.

Lizzie48 · 01/09/2018 13:16

I'm glad you're letting your DD go, OP. Do try not to let your negativity about the residential impact on her, unless you genuinely want her to not like it so you're proved right.

You do have some legitimate concerns, that said, especially the bullying. But you can address these with the school.

Our DD1 (9) went on her first school residential last school year and had a fab time, admittedly this was 3 days and not 5. The bullying issue was addressed, children were asked if there was someone she didn't want to share with.

She's also been away at camp several times. She loves it. (Although she too is a fussy eater.)

Artichoke18 · 01/09/2018 13:34

I’m glad you’ve had a change of mind, though please do have a change of heart as well - if you have such a can’t-do attitude about it all you will really pass it on to her.

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 01/09/2018 13:50

Glad you are letting her go OP.

My DCs Primary did a three day trip in Y3 and a Monday-Friday trip in Y6. Neither of them had spent a single night away from us (no grandparents around) for the Y3 trip. DS is SEN but did have the advantage of hearing all about it from older sister and even when he said he didn’t want to go I just pointed out it was school, school is non negotiable, off you go. He loved it. On the Y6 trip he was sick on the penultimate day and I had to go and get him, he was devastated 😞.

I’ve had a look at that website and it looks nicer than where my DCs went and MUCH nicer than where my school take our Y6s.

PhilomenaButterfly · 01/09/2018 15:20

*was tidy

Nanny0gg · 01/09/2018 15:34

Do their own washing??

You're lucky if some of them ever get changed...

cactusplant · 01/09/2018 15:39

Honestly, is it the end of the world if she sleeps in a messy bed and does no laundry for a week - and that's coming from a Mum who makes her 5yo make his bed every morning.

Whatever your attitude is hers will become

Your inner voice becomes her inner voice

If she has heard you have all these anxieties about her going im not bloody surprised she's now worried about being paired with the school bully. As a Mum you sound like you are really holding her back.

Let her go. Fuck the washing up. Fuck worrying about whether she likes it or not. It's up to her? You could worry til the cows come home. Let her actually have the chance to enjoy it. You sound so overbearing that I'm starting to think I might be a cool mum Blush

cactusplant · 01/09/2018 15:40

I would rather have a happy child in muddy clothes and a messy bed than one that has just been made to worry about everything

altiara · 01/09/2018 15:53

The Y6 teachers at my DCs primary school gave held an talk after school to explain everything and give out kit lists etc. I’m sure yours will be the same - the Y6 teachers and the staff at the residential place are experienced in home sickness, periods starting, fussy eaters, bed wetters etc

As for the kids- they will remember the trip forever! I still remember mine including gorge walking, canoeing, headmaster taught us cheats on drying up cutlery, I taught my friend how to fold clothes ‘properly’ but didn’t then have time to do it myself so she won the neatest the drawer prize!

MrsAmaretto · 01/09/2018 16:05

Glad you are letting her go, it would be rubbish to miss your P7 trip. Our school’s P7 trip costs the same - are you aware of how much S1-3 trips are??!!!!

I really have to agree with a pp - have you thought about seeking help for your anxiety? It’s really not normal to be like this. She’ll be at high school soon and how are you going to cope with her growing independence- she’s not a baby anymore.

Solo · 01/09/2018 16:15

Skimmed page 1.

I didn't want my Dd to go. She wanted to go. I sent her. If she hadn't gone, she'd have had to go to school anyway and be with the next year down; so will yours and then she'll feel really miserable, I'm sure knowing that everyone else is away having a fab time together so, I say let her go. They send round a sheet to ask if there are food preferences so, you can write this all down.

Also, they don't need sweets or mobile phones. She will enjoy it, it's part of growing up. Just now, (by coincidence) my Dd was saying how she'd go back to primary school if she could go back to * again.

ChiaraRimini · 01/09/2018 17:24

This has reminded me that I still have the same bar of soap which got sent on every Beaver and Cub camp that DS1 and 2 went on, it's untouched to this day. They used to come back stinking but having had the best time ever!

Minxmumma · 01/09/2018 17:48

Please let her go. Yes she 'may' hate everything but she is also more likely to really enjoy things she never thought she would.

Staff on these trips are very capable and will phone you if your child is that distraught for any reason. However you should be prepared to retrieve her in that case. It isn't a decision they will make lightly.

She won't starve either. Sweets are not a proper food - if that's all she eats all week she will be stuck on the toilet and will be miserable.

Mobile phones are the bane of youth leaders lives. Homesick child phones home doesn't feel better speaking to parents and so it carries on. They are usually too exhausted to notice you aren't there.

As her parent you should speak to the lead staff member about all your concerns with your daughter present. They should be willing to put a pastoral care plan in place for her. Please do not let your fears and worries prevent her having this experience and growing from it.

BarbaraHepworth · 02/09/2018 16:41

@sunshineNdaisies

My kids did two residentials in primary and each time they were asked to do a list of the people they most wanted to share with, and parents were asked to make sure teachers knew if there was anyone they shouldn't be sharing with.

If you are able to go and see the teachers now, make it very clear that she can't share with the bully. One of my (slightly vulnerable) boys had some 'troublesome' sometime friends/sometime enemies in his class. The school was already well aware and dealt with it really well.

My kids' school was great in not announcing the room groups until they got there, so they could adjust the groups up until the last minute if there were any late fallings-out.

Good luck with it. The teachers will want it to be a fun bonding experience and they don't want upset kids, so I'm sure they'll listen to you.

Oh, and about half the children took 'forbidden' sweets if my DS3 was to be believed. I think this meant 'at least two people had sweets' Grin.