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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Single mums - WTF!

165 replies

NoThatsNotMyName · 30/08/2018 12:38

.....is your secret?

My baby is 2 months old. My husband has gone back to work but is only part time as he's self employed. When he's working he sleeps in the spare room. I get no sleep when it's just me. (Exaggeration) and the house is a flipping mess! I mean a real disaster zone! The red cross are going to have to airlift me and baby out cos it's a bombsite (light hearted)

Please give me your secret you amazing women! Or men!

OP posts:
Thehogfather · 30/08/2018 12:58

I'm sure you have good intentions, but I always find this type of attitude highly patronising.

I'm sure you wouldn't appreciate the reverse, a single parent questioning just why exactly you aren't breezing through with a partner. You would expect anyone to realise that when it comes to coping with a newborn, we're all different. And the same applies in reverse, you should realise that being single doesn't automatically preclude a parent from being in the 'coping easily' group.

QuietNinjaTardis · 30/08/2018 13:01

There is no secret. Everybody is just muddling through the best way they can. Just some people are better at muddling through. Grin
Your baby is still young. Wait until they’re 18 and then you can tidy up Wink

Creeper8 · 30/08/2018 13:22

I always hate when people with husbands compare themselves to single parents just because he works away. Im a LP to 4 I manage because what is the alternative?

safetyfreak · 30/08/2018 13:28

It is a bit patronising I am afraid.

You just get on with it. That is it.

Frequency · 30/08/2018 13:29

Our secret is — we have no choice.

There is no partner asleep in the spare room ready to pick up the slack on their day off. There is no partner at the end of the phone for us to rant at. If we don't cope, it all goes to shit and there's no-one left to step in.

Also you're not a single parent if your partner is sleeping in the same house. Tell him to get over himself and do his fair share of parenting and housekeeping. I'm self-employed fulltime, employed outside the house part-time and I don't get to sleep in the spare room and ignore my kids. I can't, there's only me there. I still manage to work and parent.

formerbabe · 30/08/2018 13:29

Hate this attitude...sorry op. People cope with what life throws at them. What do you think single mums do?! Give up and relinquish their children? Obviously not...they get on with it. They're not a separate species with super powers....you'd cope if you had to.

onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 13:30

Single mum here and would argue that having a shit bloke is worse than being single imo

StatisticallyChallenged · 30/08/2018 13:33

I may have read it differently, but I don't think OP was implying she has it as bad as a single parent. I think her intention was the opposite - i.e."I have a partner who is only working PT and I still can't manage everything, how the hell do you manage it on your own?" not "my life is just as tough as a single mum's"

Theredcape678 · 30/08/2018 13:33

I think this is kindly meant from the OP, but the simple answer is we have no option other than to make it work somehow!

Theredcape678 · 30/08/2018 13:34

Also agree that having a shit bloke is worse than none

Original poster
NoThatsNotMyName · 30/08/2018 13:35

Well I'm asking for actual tips because i need them and im finding it all too much. Sorry you find that offensive! People in 2 parent households (i.e. me) can get pnd too and my only intention was to lightheartedly ask for real tips from people who know what they're talking about. If I don't ask in lightheartedness I'll frickin cry so please don't tell me I'm patronising just give me some help if you can.

OP posts:
Creeper8 · 30/08/2018 13:35

Still patronising. I manage because there is no choice. My ex was a useless waste of space but it was still easier with him as now he is absent so I do everthing. No choice is the answer.

MidniteScribbler · 30/08/2018 13:36

You aren't a single parent. You need to be honest with yourself and realise that you have chosen to breed with a man who is never going to step up and be a decent father. Don't have any more children with this twerp.

Original poster
NoThatsNotMyName · 30/08/2018 13:37

Shit, and now I am bloody crying! There's nothing wrong with my husband but i need to let him sleep. He uses a chainsaw at work and last time he went in exhausted he sliced it through his hand. He is not shit, I love him.

OP posts:
helpconfused · 30/08/2018 13:37

There is no choice. You just have to! There is no one else to ask for support at home :/

onetimeposter · 30/08/2018 13:38

The truth is you need to change the way you think from 'why is nobody helping this is so hard' to 'tough shit have to get on with it no other choice'. It really is that. There is no solution, babies can be hard work, it is torturous, no sleep, no personality. Awful. You really need to get your head down and just get through it.
This is much easier done when you are out of a relationship with a lazy man.

silvercuckoo · 30/08/2018 13:39

I am full of helpful tips, and am a single parent since my youngest was minus six months. What is it that you struggle with the most, objectively? Lack of time to do things or lack of motivation to do anything (very understandable with a two months old)?

PND won't go away because of the clean house. You need to seek medical advice.

megletthesecond · 30/08/2018 13:39

Very very low standards. I've been doing this for a decade and am still winging it.
Tbh your DH needs to up his game or you'll realise it is better being a single parent.

And two months is a hard patch as the lack of sleep starts to snowball Flowers. I split with my xp partly because he wasn't willing to work as a family.

Namechanger2015 · 30/08/2018 13:40

Surely you can get him to clean and watch the baby on his days off if he is only working part-time?

Then you can also clean/sleep whatever yourself as well?

Takesthefeckingbiscuit · 30/08/2018 13:40

I get your point OP but I think you'd be better addressing this to a wider audience as the specifics of being a single parent aren't really relevant to your situation.
When I was a single parent with a young baby, I found it incredibly difficult, mainly because of poverty and insecure housing, which perhaps aren't the issues you need help with.

SmellMyBeads · 30/08/2018 13:41

Fuck. Some people are harsh. I get what you meant in your message. Don't mind the easily offended.

Newborn time flies by. Just do what you can. Get hubby to help at weekends and get yourself some nice lie ins. Flowers

Frequency · 30/08/2018 13:43

If your husband is letting you get so exhausted you cry at a thread on the internet, he is a shit husband. I'm sorry if that upsets you but it's true.

As for actual tips — focus on the important things, let the rest slide. It really doesn't matter if the floor needs mopping when you're about to have a breakdown because you haven't slept. Ignore the floor, go to bed. Take the baby with you.

It's how I cope. I overstretched myself a little bit at work and as such I can't remember the last time I cleaned my floor. Between work I either have time for sleeping and eating or cleaning. I chose sleeping and eating. I have a quick sweep on my breaks but there's been a trail of coffee leading from the kitchen to my desk for a few days now and it's likely to stay there until the 2nd of September when I hope catch up on work.

Ask for help, start with your partner and if he refuses ask your friends, your mum, your neighbours.

And finally make an appointment with you GP. You may need some help with PND.

Wilhemenawonka · 30/08/2018 13:44

Bless you op I get it.
I'm a single mum and not offended at all. To have survived two months of no sleep and your life being thrown upside down is really tough. You're doing so well to just get through each day at the moment.
The way I cope/coped was to not sweat the small stuff.

Noone cares about the house
Baby just wants to cuddle and isn't worried about the washing up being done or how much effort you've made for dinner (beans on toast/microwavespuds and cheese etc are all decent meals)
You're keeping a brand new person alive and are doing much better than you realise.

Keep putting one foot ib front of the other and it will get better

Hollywhiskey · 30/08/2018 13:44

Hi OP
Sorry you’re not feeling too great. I’m not a single parent but I have been depressed and I know what that’s like.
My suggestions to make it easier on yourself are safe co sleeping (look up Isis online for advice), wearing the baby in a sling to get stuff done, and get out of the house every single day - go to baby groups and meet people and take some long walks to make sure you and baby are getting plenty of daylight and fresh air. And make sure you eat properly, even if it’s ready meals. Skipping meals and just eating sweets just makes everything worse.
Good luck x

cheesemongery · 30/08/2018 13:47

I don't think you are patronising, being called an amazing woman just makes me feel smug Grin but nobody likes a smug git...

As others have said you manage because you have to, you just get on with it. It's also easier I think as when it's just you and baby, baby's not going to complain about the house being a shit tip, baby doesn't expect dinner on the table at a certain time - okay, SHIT example and clearly does want feeding on time, but you know what I mean.

If I wanted to go to bed whilst baby slept in the day I bloody well would and have nobody to answer to.

I probably just let everything slide until I was feeling better (PND too) made sure I took my meds, looked after myself, and then everything started to fall into place once there were no sleepless nights.

DS and DD being babies was the easy bit! Sorry, not very helpful.