Single mums - WTF!

[NoThatsNotMyName]

.....is your secret?

My baby is 2 months old. My husband has gone back to work but is only part time as he's self employed. When he's working he sleeps in the spare room. I get no sleep when it's just me. (Exaggeration) and the house is a flipping mess! I mean a real disaster zone! The red cross are going to have to airlift me and baby out cos it's a bombsite (light hearted)

Please give me your secret you amazing women! Or men!

Jeez, no need for some of these replies. 2 month old babies are hard for everyone, by 3 months I wanted to put mine up for adoption. And most single parents aren't single parents from day 1. I was and quite frankly the first year was hell. Non sleeping, screaming reflux baby. I think getting out every day helped me survive it. Actually I didn't have a choice about getting out since mine would only sleep if I walked 10 miles on bumpy terrain. At home i just plonked him in a rocker in the bathroom whilst I showered etc. In fact that rocker came everywhere, kitchen when I was cooking which was rare, I survived on sandwiches. But yeah, lowering your standards is a must. In your situation you need to get your dp on board, he should be taking over in the evenings, especially with feeds, it'll help him bond with the baby too.

Read to your baby, put on music and dance. Do things that lift you! Go out for a walk and get some fresh air, hard to do but DO IT!

Ignore the negative posts.

and

Ignore the mess too. This will pass and then when it does, set aside time for you and your partner to have a big clear out.

Keep bathroom and kitchen as clean and tidy as possible.

Buy each one of you a wet clothes basket and put the clean and dry clothes into them for daily use.

Let your partner do his own clothes and his share of cleaning the bathroom and the kitchen, just like it was before the baby came.

Hi OP. Sorry to hear you've been under pressure. I'm not a single mum either, but I also found it really tough when my kids were tiny. The best advice I can give, is to temporarily lower your standards - and rest assured that it will get easier. I reduced to showering every other day, because I couldn't find the time to shower every day. Wear the baby in a sling and you should be able to perform basic tasks. I used to always have a clean floor, because sweeping was achievable with the sling. That gave me some feeling that I hadn't let everything go to pot, even the living room always had a little pile of debris in the corner, because I couldn't do the final bit with the dustpan and brush. Don't be ashamed to invite your friends over to a messy (or even dirty) house. They'll understand. Finally, as QuietNinjaTardis pointed out, you can tidy up when they're 18.

Thanks- yes he's a skinny baby (2nd %) so has thin legs.
Hubby cooks and plays with baby in evening and empties dishwasher but thecatsabsentcojones you hit the nail on the head with the list of things a mum should do. I do have many many pounds to lose (like 50) which i gained I the space of the pregnancy due to feeling very very sick and only feeling better with carbs during pregnancy and I need to lose them as my knees are in pain. It's shameful and there was a thread I saw yesterday with someone questioning how people can gain so much weight during pregnancy. I felt really ashamed of myself to read it.

Also I know BF may be your ideal but if it just isn’t working, switch to FF. Not everyone can BF, and most people I know struggle with it for a variety of reasons. It keeps the baby fuller for longer, so baby may sleep longer, meaning you may get some much needed rest or time to clean round a bit if it’s stressing you out.

A couple of things I found helped me just in terms of doing life with babies;

I had a changing station upstairs and downstairs - change mat under the sofa and a little box / basket with nappies & wipes in.

Stair basket - dump everything in it that had crept downstairs and it will eventually fill up and you can put it all away but in the meantime it looks pretty in a little wicker stair basket

Cleaning the bathroom after a shower or bath as suggested above - totally agree

White noise - for both of you. There’s a free app and it’s brilliant. If baby can sleep you can sleep. Might be better later on but bear it in mind, I used the vacuum one and the hairdryer one up loud when screaming was at a maximum, it just seemed to soothe them when nothing else would at times.

Find a good series and binge watch. Some might be horrified at this suggestion but it really helps to unwind and get your mind off your own worries.

And please do see your GP about your PND. I went on meds and it was a great decision, I’m just sorry I took so long to have the courage to admit I wasn’t feeling good. For me I knew I needed help when life was physically easier yet I didn’t feel any better inside. PND will make everything feel 100x harder and more scary and out of control though, so put that on the top of your list to talk to your GP about.

You’ve got this OP

Oh and when the little blighters start to crawl and walk, that’s when the mess really starts. I can’t wait until I don’t pick up 18,000 pieces of Lego every day that breed and spread all over the house.....so however messy you think your house is, I’m sure it’s not as bad as you think it is. As a neat freak, I’m known to completely overdramatise mess and it drives DH mad. My version of ‘shithole’ isn’t rational he tells me.

I also read ‘the magic of tidying’ I.e the konmari method, and that helped me - I’ve been very keen on a clutter free environment since. As baby gets bigger maybe plan for that, but right now, it’s so not important.

OP I think you have been treated harshly and I never say that.

Be careful of the depression feeling- get it checked out sooner than later. If you have PND then everything is overwhelming.
The reality is as single parents we just get on with it because we have to. I suggest cultivating a network of friends with similar age babies- they were a live saver for me, particularly if I had a very difficult baby at the time.
If you have an easy baby then life is easier. If your baby screams and is a poor sleeper then you become exhausted and much more easily defeated.
get some help- employ a cleaner. Don't rely on you dp 100%

Op I understand what you ment in your first post and I think you've been treated very harshly, maybe it's a triggering subject with some of these ladies. I know myself and my friends have all felt like you, being a lone parent or in a relationship its the darn hormones. I didn't bother with my housework... And I am an ocd cleaner until the past two weeks My lo is almost nine weeks.
The newborn stage, as a FTM is bloody hard as these little people are all so different and juggling bf too its tough!
My tips
Firstly, set yourself a small goal daily. Mine are, put a wash on and hang it out or put the washing away etc that sort of thing.
Secondly, have one pj day a week. Don't get yourself or baby dressed, don't see anyone and just snuggle, scoff and slob.
Best of luck to you hunni, and talk talk talk x

If you can slowly try and drop the expressing in favour of nursing it will make a huge difference.

Why do you say your milk is crappy? You grew a baby, it's unlikely your milk is not enough to feed him.

Things that made me feel crap.
HV saying "You need three meals and good snacks like scrambled egg in between". Fuck that....I'd only just managed to have a shower. Felt like showing her the kitchen.

An older woman telling me to treasure the newborn days as it goes so quickly, and me just thinking thank god for that cos this is really hard.

Reading "you will soon learn to recognise what your baby's different cries mean". Ermmm nope. I just offered them my breast in all situations.

With confidence I learnt not to take such things to heart but at the time I remember feeling so inadequate.

I also think you have been treated harshly OP! But be kind to yourself, you’re only 8 weeks in, it’ll maybe take some time before things settle. If your house is messy, so what?! Enjoy your baby. Get out in the fresh air with the baby in the pram. Maybe make a list breaking down essential household chores into manageable daily tasks, it doesn’t allhave to be done at once does it! And the weight will go, in time, your body has just performed a miracle, give it chance! I’m sure you’re doing better than you think and ultimately, aren’t we all just winging it anyway!!!💐

Having a 2 month old baby isn’t the same experience for everyone. I have three kids and when I had my third I got loads of comments of “wow, how can you manage three, I’m struggling with one” etc. I can honestly say that my three kids at 5, 3 and newborn with my husband at work were easier to manage than just my eldest on his own as a newborn on weekends when my husband was home.

When I had my first as a newborn I always used to wonder what everyone’s secret was and how they were all coping so much better than me. Now I realise that I had a really high needs first baby and others weren’t coping better, they were just having a completely different experience to me!

I was also probably trying to hard! Every year now I drop my standards just a tiny bit more and that helps to lessen the load!! I’m nearing rock bottom now though so I’m going to have to get creative with the dropping of my standards this year!

Baby is in the pram as I finish up my work and he just had a screaming and vomiting (over me) fit. Now he's quiet, stock still with his arms suspended a little way in the air and he's giving me a filthy look

Oh, dear. Of course he's not giving you a filthy look. He's probably just trying to focus or something.

Could you try and go for a walk with the baby? Getting out and about can work wonders for our minds.

Op fuck the shitty responses on this thread- not cool! I TOTALLY get where you’re coming from, first baby is bloody hard- steep learning curve and incredibly emotionally demanding. I’m on baby 3 now and cope ok because IDGAF about the little things! Kids got his shirt on backwards? Whatever. Haven’t washed your hair all week? Dry shampoo. House is a shit hole? Invest in pretty storage boxes to shove toys in quickly. Washing up a state? Run the sink to let it soak and order takeout. And fuck off anyone shaming you. I used to let the judgemental shitbags get me down too. You’re doing a great job have some tea and cake you deserve it. Please just take everyday as it comes, try to keep thinking short term otherwise it does all get too much. You survived another day

Jesus Christ for a forum where women are supposed to support each other there are some really nasty people on here.

I felt exactly the same as you when ds was newborn op. My dp was working 18 hours a day and rarely had a day off. As he’s a bus driver it was very important he got sleep so as to not be a dangerous driver, and did NOTHING around the house. At all. I felt like a single parent. I got no help. My mum lives 150 miles away. It was hell some days. I had severe anxiety and spend many a day just crying. I know exactly how you feel.

You’ll get your body back eventually, you’ll have time in the future to exercise and self care more. Don’t fret too much about it.
In the meantime self care as much as you possibly can right now - mentally. I found writing (even just “fuck this shit I can’t cope” or along those lines) helped me a lot.

It DOES get better I promise. The first year after my son was born was the worst of my life, and I’ve been through some really shit times before. It’ll all be worth it in the end though. It’ll get easier. As pp have pointed out some babies are genuinely easier than others and you don’t know what mum is really struggling behind the scenes or not.

Thing is with your first you worry about EVERYTHING you are doing with them and actually you really don't need to.
I have had 6 and NEVER knew what different cries meant- infact I couldn't tell the difference at all. I just used to try and feed them or try and get them to sleep.

It sounds like wind/colic. That would also explain why he's not feeding well. Have you tried infacol and the like? Also, DD slept better in a sling or in her bouncer when she had wind than in her pram.

And walking. Walk with the pram until he falls to sleep then crash on the sofa. And don't be afraid to walk at silly times either (assuming you live in a safe enough area). DD used to wake between four and six every morning. I'd walk her round the block a few times and then bring her carrycot thing off the pram upstairs and go back to bed.

How do we cope?

At the vast expense of our physical and mental health, current and future earning capacity and social standing. That's how we cope.

I was so sleep deprived by the time my kids were 5 and 2, I developed shingles at 27 years old. I ignored it for two weeks because I didn't have time to deal with it and have a patch of skin on my back that is internally scarred at the nerve and is still, 11 years later, very uncomfortable sometimes. I needed antivirals and never got them.

I have so many stress related illnesses that they're dull to list. Asthma, GERD, Generalised Anxiety DIsorder, migraines, TMJ disorder

I didn't learn to drive until I was 34 as I never had the money, time or childcare.

We live in a damp house with black mould because I haven't got a guarantor and therefore live in a slumlord's property (no gas checks, black mould, NO maintenance - but no guarantor and no concern about housing benefit.) There is actually nowhere else for me to live.

But they have clean, new(looking) and up to date clothing and school uniform. They have never had a uniform slip, never. Their clothes fit. They have never been too hungry. They have never missed a meal.

SO I have coped. But do not think for one second it didn't come at a price.

Yes I'll take him along the canal to go home. I wish I could show him the ducks but he's a bit small. Even though I'm now covered in sick and am going out in public I love him so much. He's changed me so much and made me so emotional. Before he was born I thought I wanted a girl but the second I held him I loved him with all my heart. It Sounds funny really but i don't mind being sicked on. It's just awkward when this is the only clean dress left

Talk to him about the ducks. Take him out of the pram and point. If he cries then put him back into the pram and walk on. Describe the scene to him. Put away the phone.

Enjoy that walk and talk. Wipe clean the dress and put on a cardi or jumper.

Focus on you, the sights and sounds around you and your lovely baby. Who isn't giving you the angry glare - sorry, but that made me laugh!

NoThatsNotMyName I felt like you did once upon a time. Everything felt bewildering and disorientating and I had no time to sort stuff out. However, I muddled through and got the hang of it.

Almost immediately after DC2 was born H had an affair & bailed on us all and I became a single parent and that's when things got really, really, really hard. The sheer relentlessness of being entirely responsible for children 24/7 365 days of the year, year in year out is a world away from what you are experiencing right now - but you couldn't know that.

With the benefit of hindsight, I would say relax, take your time, don't fret about the small stuff like being tidy. Enjoy your beautiful new baby, get out in the fresh air when you can, remember it is still really early days and it will get easier and you'll find your feet soon enough. Don't forget to take care of yourself too - when you get a moment.

This won't be a popular opinion, but my advice would be to stop breastfeeding. I had really bad PND and was struggling with everything, especially breastfeeding. I was exhausted and DD had problems latching, my boobs were always hurting and I was not coping well, so after one month I switched to formula. She slept for longer and
I wasn't up all night breastfeeding. I was still struggling, but it was one thing that helped a bit.

I went and got some counselling sessions for my PND, tried to get some sort of routine where I was getting out of the house enough, napped when DD did and just did the bare minimum of housework.

It will pass OP, you feel desperate and exhausted, but time goes on and things change. I remember I used to dread going to bed because I was aware of the sleepless night and night feedings ahead and dread getting up, because DD was colicky and cried most of the time she was awake. Now she is nearly 9 years old and those times are just distant memories. You will get through it OP. I found the baby stage very hard and decided not to have more kids because I couldn't go through that again. I really feel for you how tough and isolating it is. It gets so much better, honestly.

Re the nappies, I would go up a size, they generally leak because they are on the small side.

Look after yourself and try to have some you time when your DH is home to help. Watch a
bit of a series, read a book, have a bath, have a nap, do a face mask, whatever you like, and leave him with the baby for an hour or two.

Yes, I agree, if the breast feeding is causing trouble to the extent that it is already, then consider bottle feeding only. It's not worth the trouble. I say this as a mum who exclusively breastfed only one child out of three. It's an emotive time to switch but after a week the fog clears somewhat and you get your life back somewhat. My problem with exclusive breastfeeding was getting the little one weaned off the breast - that was a struggle!

How much are you working? Is this a one off or are you working regularly? I'm not surprised you're knackered if you have a 2 month old baby, are back working and also taking the baby with you to work. How "part time" is your DH? It seems really harsh for you to be doing cleaning jobs and (from what you're saying) doing almost everything with the baby while he's working part time.

Don't give yourself a hard time, 2 month's in is a really difficult time, and you're doing so well to still be breastfeeding