Single mums - WTF!

[NoThatsNotMyName]

.....is your secret?

My baby is 2 months old. My husband has gone back to work but is only part time as he's self employed. When he's working he sleeps in the spare room. I get no sleep when it's just me. (Exaggeration) and the house is a flipping mess! I mean a real disaster zone! The red cross are going to have to airlift me and baby out cos it's a bombsite (light hearted)

Please give me your secret you amazing women! Or men!

I’m not a lone parent. My DH works a lot and is gone overnight for work a couple of nights a week. I work part time self employed and we have no family around to help out. Unless I’m ill I always get up in the night with the baby since at 18 months he still gets up a couple of times and considering my husband might have a 4 hour drive ahead of him. I don’t begrudge this- this is life and it’s not forever. When the baby takes his daytime nap I either nap or put my feet up and watch Netflix. My house isn’t a bomb site because I have a routine. I get up early to get my older DS off to school then sort out the house. Everything gets put away, then counters get wiped and I do the floors. After that we run errands or do baby groups before coming home for a nap. I do all my bill paying online and order pretty much everything other than fresh groceries online. I do one big supermarket shop per week. Every night I put on a load of laundry which I put in the tumble dryer when I come downstairs in the morning. My DH used to be a single parent and he said you just get on with things and instead of wasting time complaining you find solutions.

Yes definitely easier on my own than with awful partner. Lovely bond with DS. Had second LO with supportive DP, that was a whole different experience again. He was great, still is.

Oh FFS!

She's 2 months in with a newborn. Does she really need a bunch of people jumping on her? She may have seemed patronising to LPs in her first post but I'm sure she didn't mean it. I remember thinking the same thing when my first DD was this age.

Leave it out. Pack of bloody hyenas.

Some very easily offended people on here!
My advice: don't worry about housework, sleep when you can, get out everyday - to mix with people if possible and eat good stuff, even if it is beans on toast with an egg on top (very nutritious actually!)
This too shall pass

I remember apologising that my house was a mess when the health visitor popped by (it wasn't dirty, just messy with toys strewn everywhere etc) , and she said to me that she usually gets more concerned when people have immaculate houses just after giving birth!
Messy house = shows your spending time caring for your baby.

Yeah I find it easier on my own than with a crap partner. Atm, for example, no-one is whining about the trail of coffee on the floor. The kids both know if they dare mention it, they'll be directed to the mop and bucket with a bee in their ear and there's no abusive ex to tell me I'm a slattern.

When DD was a baby if I wanted to spend all day in bed with a good book (and I often did as she woke to be fed every two hours) I could. I remember when I had an awful cold when DD was about nine months old. We spent three days in bed reading, watching Cbeebies on iPlayer and napping. She loved it.

If you feel single because of the lack of support you have OP, act single. Grab some snacks, grab the laptop, take the baby to bed and stay there until you feel better. Fuck dinner and fuck the housework.

Thank you very much to the last few people for your kind words. Both me and baby are crying very hard right now but it's like I can't hear him, if you know what I mean. I've found a little casual job cleaning a holiday let which I can bring him to but it takes three times as long because he cries and cries. At my house my husband helps 100% when he is home but during the day and at night when he has to sleep separately I struggle so hard. Baby won't latch properly, I don't have enough milk, I can't keep the house tidy (ironic given the job) and I feel like a pig. Cooking for me is out of the question. I thought I had respect for women who do it all themselves that's why I wanted help. I have a friend who is a single mum but her own mum lives round the corner. I have no one else. Does having a husband make up for no further support network? He isn't lazy he cooks every night so i do get that meal and I'm very lucky.

I just need tips. This is my first baby and it's very hard. Yes I chose to have a baby. If anyone really needs to point that out to me they need to question what they think it will bring to my case. How cruel to question a woman on her choice to have a baby. You have no idea of my conception journey. If a woman is desperate for a baby and then finds it in any way difficult, does she deserve reproach?

I am seeking medical help for both the pnd and the low milk supply but referrals for the former take a long time it appears.

I would ask you if you are thinking of writing something awful on this thread, to kindly not do so.

It's early days yet OP. [Disclaimer - not single parent.] DP needs to sleep. You need to sleep. Develop some sort of system of who sleeps when, cleans when, plays with the baby when, otherwise when your little one is sitting up, crawling etc you're going to be helluva resentful. And do things that make your life easier - online shopping. A cleaner. Lower standards. Takeaways. Whatever.

Biggest tip
Don't feel guilty.
Like all of us yoh will have had visions of how you wanted things to be when baby turned up .
Let that all go now. Watch netflix, let your body and mind recovery gently from 11 months of intense activity and just rest when you can.
You and baby are so much more important than anything else right now so don't sweat the small stuff

I know! Mumsnet at its worst. Responses like on this thread make me stay away for a while and then I read a lovely supportive one and remember there are kind people too. Try not to let people get to you OP, I'm sure you are doing great and you are not the only one with a bombsite house (my baby is 2.5yrs tho )

Actually I found my husband coming home asking me what I had done all day the most irritating part of having a newborn. He even annoyed me when he came in and turned on the hoover as I became irrationally offended that he was passively aggressively telling me I should have hoovered!! But at least I had someone who was interested in the noises she had made that day.

Sorry, x-post. Low supply - fenugreek helps. Holland and Barrett sells it. And I really wouldn't work now, in your circs, in that kind of job.

You don't have a choice but to manage.

IME parenting always has its challenges. I find that the challenges are different with a partner but definitely still there!

With DC1 I was a single mother at 18.

I won't be a single mother this time round (baby due in Feb) but I'm actually concerned about co-parenting.
I did everything my own way the first time. This time I have to work around my DP and try to parent in a way that works for both of us.

I get what you meant.
It bloody hard work being a parent no matter what. I’m not a signal parent but DP works long hours and away often.
I have to do little things to help myself, five days of over night oats and strawberries made on Sunday night. Eaten fast, dishwasher emptied while kids eat as the 9m is in high chair and can’t help. Then I can just put things in throughout the rest of the day.
One load of washing every other day.
Much lower standards esp since second turned up. At present dd who’s 3 is on her kindle thing and ds 9 m is playing with the broom. IVe given up taking it away, he just fetches it again and he’ll grow bored sooner of I don’t care.
Batch cooking so on a known busy day I can get Shepard’s pie out before leaving or night before.

Tell you partner sometimes it’s tough you’ve been feeding and sleeping all day, he needs to cook dinner.

I had a Facebook memory pop up a little while ago about finally being able to brush my teeth and hair all in one day so it will get easier.

You’re doing great.

It's hard no matter what. If you are feelling really shit, can you talk to your health visitor? PND happens and it can happen even if you have loads of support.

But it does pass. Honest.

I'm a single mum and didn't take offence at your thread. Those early days are tough. It does get easier. I found using a sling was a life saver as I could get on with all the things that needed doing and keep my baby close to me.

I know I'm not supposed to say this, for all the reasons that PPs have already explained. So I don't say it.

But sorry, single parents, you cannot stop me from admiring you. You cannot stop me from thinking that you are a bunch of troopers and you all deserve medals.

Low milk advice is to feed feed and feed some more. It’ll get supply up. I safely co sleep so fed whenever.
Oats are rumoured to help supply but never sure how true that is.

Ha I also now think I’ve got two what was my problem with one, it was so easy. 🤣

For me, the trick was to nail a routine. But everyone is different.

Schedule housework for when dcs are asleep and try to do one thing every day. Celebrate that one thing rather than worry about the things you haven’t done. Then develop rose tinted specs to cover the bits you didn’t do. Buy Dh some too.
Get dc used to being in a sling, so you have to hands free. It makes a huge difference, it keeps baby feeling secure and non-whingey and it helps get rid of baby weight.

And remember there is virtue in having a relaxed mum, a well fed cleanish baby and a less than perfect house. Don’t try to live up to other people’s standards, your sanity comes first. Keep smiling. Things will get easier.

I don’t think OP is implying she’s like a single parent. She’s just explaining her situation (partner sleeping onnspare room) and give. His handling of dangerous epquipment at work that’s understandable.

OP imwas a single parent with my first. I’m on maternity leave again now and not a single parent this time. Like many others I just coped because I had to but I’d say the best thing to do is make it easy on yourself as possible. Don’t worry too much about cleaning, however too much mess makes me anxious so I prioritise time when the baby is sleeping to do a quick tidy up and just pick up things / put them away. Chick a load of washing in etc. As for sleep I know it’s harder than they say but try to sleep when baby is. Get yourself in a safe co sleeping position and get as many naps as you can.

I'm not a single parent, I have a DH who who works away for long periods of time so during that time everything at home is my responsibility, when he's at home he helps a lot so I could never compare it to a single parent household. I also have 2 children under 2 and 2 dogs.

I write a list every evening once the kids are settled of what I want to achieve the next day and then tick bits off as I go. The main thing is to be realistic about what you can achieve.

Also lower your standards.

Does having a husband make up for no further support network? I think it does as most people wont help you the same way a husband will. Especially the fact you live together. Most other people have their own lives. You and your husband obviously planned this baby. Im a LP with no support, kids dads absent. What about your husbands family?

I was a brilliant parent when I was married and a brilliant parent when I was single.

Having or not having a husband made no difference to me coz I was doing it all anyway.

Single parent but older. Had a job I could work round my son.

IT was easy because it was just him and myself to look after. I wasn't in a massive house full of stuff, I went to work and could nap when I came home. We had a good routine but if it got disrupted I wax free to get up at 5am with him and go to 24hr Tesco for a bit of a fun without disturbing anyone.All good.

I can't for a minute imagine doing that and being polite and pleasant to a partner and thinking about their needs too. Don't know how people do it.