Single mums - WTF!

[NoThatsNotMyName]

.....is your secret?

My baby is 2 months old. My husband has gone back to work but is only part time as he's self employed. When he's working he sleeps in the spare room. I get no sleep when it's just me. (Exaggeration) and the house is a flipping mess! I mean a real disaster zone! The red cross are going to have to airlift me and baby out cos it's a bombsite (light hearted)

Please give me your secret you amazing women! Or men!

Cross post. Och sorry you are upset and having a hard time. And having to work as well! Not easy. Here is a video I think is really useful in helping baby latch m.youtube.com/watch?v=y--syZR0u1E&t=0s&list=PLIyCxXbvDSmM8UQYrWg69m5U3JTHYRKwo&index=2

I think you should try to forget the mess and just spend time cuddling your little one skin to skin. A bath together is a good way to stimulate bf too. These will give baby as much opportunity as poss to latch and thereby increase your supply. Night feeding, and eating oatmeal also help supply. It's hard isn't it.

For meals, how about setting up an online shop to arrive every week for next few wks with ready made things for lunch? Or ask dh to make enough for leftovers for your lunch?

And plenty cake

OH OP you are being unfairly treated. Some people have absolutely no compassion, clearly. Ignore all the unkindness here and concentrate on you. My first baby felt like this, and my house WAS a mess. So what? As long as you and the baby are OK, tidying up can wait. Do you get out lots? By this I mean, instead of staying home trying to do housework while the baby screams, do you say bugger it and go out even to a baby group? Even if your baby still cries at least you get a chat with another human being.. Have you got a sling/carrier? I found I could do basic things like washing up with a baby attached, although wouldn't have risked cooking!! Make sure you are eating enough yourself, as you won't produce much milk if not. I found lots of ice cream, porridge, flapjack etc helped both my mood and milk production! When your partner is home and not too tired, ask him to cook a big batch of something and freeze it in portions so you can feed yourselves during the week. It will all get easier. Hang in there.

Hi op. Ignore the hateful comments in this thread . I completely understand where you are coming from. There is a thread on AIBU started last night..to think you can never understand how hard it is until you become a parent. Have a read. Made me feel a bit better too. Big hugs to you

Could he be constantly crying because he is hungry and not getting enough milk?

Maybe try topping him up with formula, I am sure that would perk him up.

Imagine your life then imagine never having any support or respite and having to earn enough money to support all of you as well.

That is the life of a single parent.

*how hard it is being a parent until you become one

Thank you all, I really appreciate your messages I'm feeling a bit less alone. These tips are really good! Does anyone have a tip about stopping nappies from leaking? I just pulled myself together enough to cuddle him and he's all wet up his back for the third time today.

What a stupid comment safetyfreak .

Don’t worry about having a messy house. Im not a single parent, but dh was in the military and spent a lot of our children’s early years away. I tried to get in a bit of a routine, a wash on each night before you go to bed, put it out to dry in the morning. If you have a dishwasher, load it before bed each night, if you don’t, try to wash up as you go. clear and spray the kitchen sides after tea each night so you aren’t coming down to a mess each morning. Keep a packet of antibacterial wipes in the bathroom and wipe the toilet every few days and give it a squirt of bleach as required. Other than that,I shouldn’t worry about anything else to much. As long as the kitchen and bathroom are hygienic and you have clean clothes to wear, you will be fine. Are you able to manage those things? And maybe get yourself some ready meal type things, so you can have something hot to eat without having to worry about preparing it. (There are plenty of years left to have a proper healthy diet, when you aren’t so knackered).

Whoops posted too soon. Things will get easier OP and the early days have their ups and downs. . Be kind to yourself and dont stress about keeping the house clean.

For me it works to spend 15 minutes at the start of each week to compile a list of chores to do, and allocate them to weekdays. Then I write next to each task the time allowance, but will sneakily add 10 or 20 minutes on top.

Then, when I complete all tasks for the day well ahead of the exaggerated schedule, I feel extremely proud of myself and it feels like I just won "free" time from life.

It gets easier, op. I agree with the 'don't feel guilty' tip. I wasn't a single mum but my first baby was colicky (sp?) and hardly slept, some days just getting dressed was an achievement and I hardly ever hoovered or cleaned the bathroom. I was embarrassed when anyone visited but he took up all of my time and was in my arms constantly.
My second baby was a breeze and slept nearly all of the time, and when she was awake she was happy to watch me from her bouncy chair. Some parents are lucky and only experience babies like my second, I think that's more relevant than if you're on your own or not.
My tip would be to not put any pressure on yourself regarding housework - it'll wait.

OP several of these posts have made me rage at the easily offended nobbiness of some MNetters so I’m not reading them all, but I know exactly what you mean. I salute single parents, they don’t have a choice obviously as has been pointed out by the overly excitable types on this thread looking for a fight, but actually in a sense they do because plenty of people simply don’t parent at all so when I see a single parent doing a wonderful job I do salute them. Parenting is bloody hard with a supportive partner who pulls their weight, let alone without one.

My only tip is to be kind to yourself. The early parenting weeks / months are really hard and life changes beyond recognition. You need to accept life has changed and it’s ok for you to no longer keep up the pace you did pre-baby. I find this hard personally as I’m a bit of a neat-freak but 3 kids on and my standards have lowered....but not beyond recognition, for my own MH I can’t live in a tip. Just be kind to yourself above all, what doesn’t get done one day can be done another when you are less exhausted. And get whatever help you can, don’t leave any PND to fester.

Not managing isn’t a sign of weakness, I don’t think any new parent manages ...we just muddle through, then you think you’re getting to grips with it and the baby changes and suddenly the goalposts move...none of it is easy. Maybe stay out of AIBU and come to the parenting threads where people are more supportive and less likely to rip your head off for a perceived political incorrectness / imaginary offence

I’ve just picked up that you don’t think you have enough milk. Take lots of snacks and drinks to bed, take your top off and you and baby go and lie in bed for the rest of the day to try to stimulate your milk supply a bit. And if you can avoid doing anything for the next couple of days apart from lying on the sofa/bed with baby I’d think that would really help too.

Does anyone have a tip about stopping nappies from leaking? I just pulled myself together enough to cuddle him and he's all wet up his back for the third time today

Nope, sorry, but when it's warm like this, keep him in only a nappy then there's less washing when he does leak.

I don't understand why people are giving OP advise on how to keep on top of housework and do shopping? OP has a husband who she said helps on an evening. Her only priority should be herself and the baby.

She needs advise on how to feel better, surely?

OP don't keep the house tidy if you can't. I know when I was a single parent to a newborn there wasn't any mess. If I made a sandwich I rinsed the plate right after. My clothes went straight into the laundry basket, I gave zero shits about the windows and the skirting boards and I hoovered once a week and put one load of laundry on a week, usually on a Sunday when my mate used to come around and walk the baby out for an hour for me.

No other cleaning needed to be done as there was no-one making mess. If you have more mess, your husband needs to deal with it.

They are elderly and live in europe I'm afraid. My family are 100 miles away.

I mean, his parents are elderly and live in europe. I thought "reply" would quote the person asking the question

Op if his nappies are constantly leaking try a different brand, are the ones he has pulled tight enough?

FFS, I see the professionally offended are out in force on this thread. OP didn't compare herself to a single-parent.

OP the best thing that worked for me was quite a strict daily routine.

Leave a packet of cleaning wipes in the bathroom, a quick clean takes 1 minute.

de-clutter and storage boxes for everything else.

Look OP, your baby is tiny - it's very, very hard at that stage, not just because they need so much doing for them, but because you yourself are recovering from the birth and learning a whole new set of stuff, and PND on top adds to that. It gets easier, around 6 months was a major improvement for me, and again at 1-2 when they start to talk.

I am a single mum, though I wasn't when my DC were tiny babies. And if I was I would have struggled too. But here are my suggestions and how I cope -

• Lower your expectations, it's OK to live in a mess for a bit.
• Tidy up/do housework when you can and you have the energy, but also if you get any time (like when baby is having a nap) use some of it for yourself - magazine, coffee, bubble bath whatever helps you relax.
• Get out with the baby, try to get them napping in the buggy, then you can go shopping or to an art gallery or meet friends, or just have some fresh air.
• Ask for help on MN / the web in general for specific things. The more you ask, the more tips you'll have to try and the more likely you'll find things that work for your baby. Eg my DS was soothed by the sound of the hoover.
• Take iron and magnesium
• Take the GP's advice re PND and medication for it. It can really help.

Hang in there, things will change and you will feel more on top of it all as time goes by.

Good idea about the parenting thread lemony :-)

OP I really don't understand some of the harsh comments on here!!

Single parent here since my DD was born and work full time.

The secret... I wont deny there is a bit of coping because you have no choice, but the things that helped me when I had a tiny baby was lowering my standards a bit on cleaning, sleeping sometimes when she slept (this is really important, everything is easier when you've had some sleep) and having a short walk every day. I really recommended walking, I would walk around the block whatever the weather, fresh air really helps. Don't worry you will be ok, soon you will get into your own rhythm.

It's tough when you have a tiny baby, but remember they won't be tiny forever so just try and enjoy the cuddles for now as they are the memories I cherish.

What a load of wanky bitchyness on the first page from hogfather frequency formerbabe etc.

Honestly op you need to sidestep the professionally offended brigade and not let them grind you down.

Single parent from day one here.
I get what you meant in your original message. I had a baby with colic and so every evening at exactly 8pm the crying would start 😩
It was hard alone, my family are overseas and my friends hadn't had children so I had little support.
Don't sweat the small stuff. Your house WILL be untidy, it will get worse once little one gets mobile 😆
Try and relax when you can and enjoy your baby. It's tiring for everybody but don't pressurise yourself. It's a learning curve.
The baby days fly so try and enjoy. And if you are feeling very low, seek help x

More thanks to you all, I'm really grateful. Sounds soppy I know but I'm an emotional wreck and your ideas are all good ones that make me feel like I'm not the only one. In nappies I've tried aldi tesco pampers even some expensive ones thinking theyd be good, like beaming baby (Good but expensive) and naty (leaked the most). I think they are tight enoigh but he pulls his legs up during a change it makes it hard to get them on right.