Single mums - WTF!

[NoThatsNotMyName]

.....is your secret?

My baby is 2 months old. My husband has gone back to work but is only part time as he's self employed. When he's working he sleeps in the spare room. I get no sleep when it's just me. (Exaggeration) and the house is a flipping mess! I mean a real disaster zone! The red cross are going to have to airlift me and baby out cos it's a bombsite (light hearted)

Please give me your secret you amazing women! Or men!

OP you are not alone. Babies are fucking hard work and everyone looks like they have it together but you. The secret is that NOBODY has it together 100%.

Google local sling library, go down with baby and try out a few different ones. I didn't with DD 1 but did with DD 2 and honestly it was life changing.

Do your best with bf ing but it's not for everyone. Neither of mine would latch, I pumped and mix fed my way through the first 3 months with both of mine.

Find a couple of baby groups you like and try and engineer a coffee after. Like minded people in the same situation are worth their weight in gold.

Remember, you are not alone and I promise it does get better.

Thank you all

Phone going away now xxxx

I'm not a single parent but, like you, husband worked long hours. My children are all teenagers now and still in one piece so it does get better.

Lower your expectations - no one expects you to live in a show home. My simple rule was that as long as we were fed and washed we were on to a winner!

Slow cookers are a life-saver - throw everything in it in the morning and hey presto a "proper" meal is ready in the evening. Instead of your husband spending time cooking in the evening you could perhaps get him to spend an equivalent amount of time doing some housework, eg washing the dishes, laundry.

Find shortcuts that work for you, eg I used to put a load of laundry on at night then hang it out or put it in the dryer in the morning. Cleaning wipes in the bathroom and kitchen. Deep cleaning is not one of life's necessities at this point.

Online shopping for groceries. Also, there is no shame in quick, easy food. Mumsnet's favourite batch cooking and cooking from scratch can wait. Pasta sauce from a jar hasn't killed anyone to my knowledge.

Try and get out everyday - the fresh air used to send all my children to sleep and pushing the pram acts as a form of exercise.

If your baby struggles to latch on have you ruled out things like tongue tie? Don't put undue pressure on yourself to breastfeed. It doesn't work for everyone. Also, if he/she cries when put down is reflux a possibility or is he/she just clingy? Sometimes, babies just cry more than others.

Mine all hated being in slings but were fine in a moses basket or baby swing so I simply moved it around the house to where I was, eg I put the radio on in the kitchen and washed dishes etc while he lay in his basket in the doorway between the kitchen and dining room. I sang along to the music and he was happy enough to hear my voice!

My husband used to make me a packed lunch in the morning before he went to work so I could pick at it during the day. Ask ( or tell! ) your husband if he'd do the same. Husbands can't read minds - have you told him what you need help with?

Growth spurts can mean your baby wants to feed constantly - on those days I stayed on the sofa with a book, drinks, the remote control for the TV and made the most of all the cuddles.

Sleep when the baby does - it makes getting up in the night slightly less torturous. There is a reason sleep deprivation was used as a form of torture.

See your GP, health visitor etc - that's what they are there for. There is nothing you can tell them they haven't heard before.

You are doing a great job. Keep going, this stage doesn't last forever.

UABVU for comparing yourself to a single mum because your husband is working part time and the patronising tone of your email. I am a single mum who works full time and my secret is that we have no choice.

@FrenchJunebug the OP has PND so quit your nasty posts.

I think people expect too much of themselves when they have a very new baby. Think of a cat with kittens, or a dog with puppies - for the first couple of weeks they just lie with them, snoozing and suckling, only getting up to pee, poo, eat and drink. And puppies and kittens only need their mums for a few weeks, babies need much longer!

You've just spent months growing a a new person and then popped it out of your fanjo. Now you're trying to feed 2 people on one person's intake of food. All that takes it out of you.

Drink plenty, eat plenty, sleep at every opportunity. Shop online. When you feel up to cooking, cook double and freeze a dinner for a day when you don't feel up to it. If you can try and clear up after yourself as you go along, great, that'll make it easier to keep on top of things. Fresh air, even if it's just sitting in the garden or popping the baby in the buggy and taking her into the garden while you hang out some washing will help you both have more relaxing sleep.

At weekends, split chores and minding the baby between you. Get DH to bring home a takeaway once a week.

You'll soon find a routine that works for you and for the baby.

And please, speak to your HV about how you are feeling.

French Give the op a break. She is asking for tips.
Just be cause you are a single mum working full-time doesn't mean you have the monopoly. I work full time too, minimum wage with 4 dc,no family around and no help. I still recognise what the op is saying. Bloody hell no wonder women find it hard to ask for support and advice when they get responses like yours. A bit of kindness!
Op well done for asking for tips - you will get there. It will get easier (and then harder again then easier again etc ) Do whatever you can to make life easier and talk to your dh. Come up with some solutions between you.
I remember the days of crying with my pfb and I hate the thought of anyone else going through similar.

I don't know how I'm managing it really, it seems like i pluck energy out of thin air to make sure I'm making up for not having another person to help. I just want to make my kids as comfy as possible, even if it means I'm always exhausted.

Make sure his willy points downwards before you do the nappy up and make sure you pull the frills round the legs outwards. Don’t leave them tucked in. Have you tried a bigger size?

FrenchJune bag
Read the full thread ffs! Op was NOT comparing herself to a single parent!

OP-I was a lone parent from the very start. I appreciate it when someone recognises just hard it was to cope on my own. I'll be first in the line if anyone is giving out medals!

My daughter had reflux, slept very little and just cried for the first year. That's when she wasn't vomiting- not quite projectile, but it was pretty powerful nevertheless. She wouldn't go to anyone else and just wanted to be held, so that's what I did. I was on my knees with tiredness and exhaustion!

Take one day at a time and make it through the best you can. Sleep or rest when baby does, and go to bed at 8pm if you need to, so that you get more sleep. I breast fed for nine months, but If breast feeding isn't working for you and baby, then use formula. Don't feel guilty about this and look at it as a positive way forward that may suit you both much better.

I found it helped to go out every day, even if it was just a walk to a local cafe. Go to baby groups and meet other mums with the same aged children.

Speak to your GP about your PND. Most of all though, I think your husband needs to step up more. He seems to be getting a full night's sleep every night, and therefore there's no reason why he can't do all the housework for the time being. He could go to bed a bit earlier too and get up earlier and do an hour's housework every day. Or a few hours on a Saturday morning? Is he getting up during the night on days he hasn't got work to go to? Or allowing you to sleep in to catch up with sleep?

Things will get easier in due course...

Sorry OP I did read after that you had PND. Look after yourself.

I know I do not have the monopoly I also know that, and I am not talking about the OP, going on holiday without your partner but with the children, or your partner being ill or away for the week-end and having to look after the children on your own, whilst it's hard it does not make you a single parent.

Hi OP.

Has a medical professional told you you have low milk supply? I sdk because it is rare.

I really suggest that if you are on Dacebook you join UK Breastfeeding Support page and post your breastfeeding cincerns. It is a brilliant source of advice and support with trained admin. Breastfeeding Yummy Mummies is another good facebook group.

Things will get better Seek help for the PND, tell DH, loved ones or us how youre feeling. Congratulations on your baby xxx

@CocoDeMoll

What a load of wanky bitchyness on the first page

Sums it up perfectly ✊💦

OP ignore the hateful comments, you're always gunna get arseholes. Nap when baby sleeps, get plenty of fluids and eat healthily. It can seem hard sometimes but try and get out every day for a nice walk, always puts me in a better mood for the day

OP I think the fact that you are actually trying to work in a paid job as well as look after your baby and your home is making things particularly difficult for you.

You say you are taking your baby into work with you - how many hours / days are you working? I'm assuming this is coming from a desperate financial position?

Is there any alternative for you not to work as most new moms will agree looking after a young baby is hard enough, many people don't have time to clean their own house , let alone some one else's.

Speak with your HV / GP re possible PND but try to cut back on what you are trying to manage.

Having a new baby is really really tough and no one prepares you for it. I am a single parent and take what you said as a compliment- it’s lovely to have some recognition of the hard job we have when we do often get denigrated.

I think you need to try to stop putting so much pressure on yourself and just do what you can do. Don’t worry so much about breastfeeding- lots of women can’t do it and formula doesn’t do them any harm. House work doesn’t matter. Just keep you and baby healthy and well. It will get better. Even once they sleep through it’s a lot easier.

UABVU for comparing yourself to a single mum because your husband is working part time and the patronising tone of your email. I am a single mum who works full time and my secret is that we have no choice

Mumsnet wanker.^

I felt at the time that all the 'just give him a bottle' brigade were being nasty-until I gave him a bottle.
Slept through the firsr night. I combined fed for a while then did formula only. Wish Id done it sooner tbh

Single mum here! I am absolutely shocked and disgusted at some of the comments here, directed towards somebody who is clearly struggling and who acknowledged how tough it must be for women on their own. OP, you have my every sympathy, you're having a very tough time of it right now.

My advice?

Get a sling, I did this to enable me to do essential chores as I had a "cryer" who didn't want to be put down.
Get onto formula if breastfeeding isn't working, there is no shame in that and don't let anybody tell you otherwise.
Get out for a walk a day, put baby in pram or sling, exercise will do you both good and give you a much needed dose of endorphins.
Don't worry about the house, I do understand that, but so does everybody else. It does right itself eventually as you get into a routine and your baby becomes less demanding.
Do a bit of washing a day and let it dry overnight.
Kitchen/bathroom wipes/bleach every couple of days.
Hoover early eve (my DS loved the sound of that actually!).
The one thing I did do every single day without fail was dress and put my face on. It made me feel better and more able to face the world. Silly thing and not for everybody, but it helped me.

There are probably a million more things but at the moment you just need to concentrate on getting through each day. I promise you it gets better and easier!

I’m not offended and totally get the light hearted ness of your post and what you mean.
In terms of practical tips...
First - don’t be so hard on yourself. Sleep deprivation is awful. So prioritise sleep whenever you can.

Put baby in sling, put your favourite music on loud and do essential house jobs only - washing etc
Get fresh air
Cook easy meals (jacket potatoes etc)
When your oh is off ask him to either mind baby while you rest or to tidy/cook/clean
Co-sleep safely
Ask a friend to come and watch baby or take baby out to let you catch up on stuff
Don’t be afraid to ask for help
Get out and meet some other new mums - we are all in the same boat
Do online shopping while baby sleeps on you

It doesn’t last forever - promise!

Blimey, you've had some grief OP!
2 months is tiny. You'll find your own routine. You're still getting to know each other! Every baby is different, every mum and circumstances when baby is tiny are different, so don't compare yourself to others. If you can go to a baby group, have a chat yo some other new mums, not to compare but to see how different everyone is. The main thing you have in common is doing your best.
You're wise to let your chainsaw wielding husband sleep. Do catch up at weekends and when baby naps though. Don't feel guilty.
Get a slow cooker and use it.
If you wonder where the day goes, write a list of what you do.
If you have things to do, maybe have a weekly list and tick things off.
Walk with your baby. Smile at everyone. Enjoy the sunshine. Enjoy your baby!!
Try and socialise with family, friends on maternity leave, retired relatives, whoever.
And who cares if you need to hoover. Invite someone round and get them to do it or do it while they get cuddles. Or don't do it!! It's ok 😍

zsaz yes, this >> "lovely to have some recognition of the hard job we have when we do often get denigrated."
I'm not much better at this than I was 10 years ago. But when I see colleagues who are dying because their partners are away for a few days it makes me feel less crap and normal that I'm shattered and don't beat myself up because I don't do it all.

@NoThatsNotMyName sorry you're having such a hard time both IRL and in this thread. I've not read all the responses but I'm shocked at how unnecessary some PP have been. Don't worry- I posted a thread a while ago and was told I shouldn't have had DC because they go to nursery 2 days a week & that I mustn't care about them if I'm not willing to quit work the logic here makes no sense sometimes. On the days I work, DH takes DC overnight and vice versa. It just makes sense. It doesn't mean one of us is awful or whatever the other words being thrown around here were! It just means one of us has a long drive to work and the other can stay at home all day...chasing a toddler but not driving or being at work!

It's hard. Those first few weeks and months are difficult when they cry and you don't quite know why and you're so unsure about what you're doing because it's all new. Then they become mobile & they're tiny people causing havoc but at least in my experience with DC, it's easier because you can usually work out why they're upset rather than panicking at a tiny baby screaming when you don't know if something is really wrong although everyone finds different stages easier/harder. I don't have any practical tips. I think you just need to be reassured that you're doing an amazing job, because you are! Going to work with a 2 month old?! Don't let this thread get to you. When I got horrible messages, I told people to consider that when people ask for help, they may have PND etc (My DC is much older so I don't) so to think before they wrote horrible messages, but they continued so it just goes to show how cruel some people can be. Hope you've turned your phone off & are now having a nice evening with DH/DS but do make sure you speak to your HV or GP if you think you have PND. And congratulations on your son!

I am a single parent and feel I have it better than a lot of wives who just slid in to being sahm. I like my job, I have my own house and I make the decisions, no arguments. Important decisions are never made easier by having two opposing schools of thought. A lot of the time I'm relieved that I don't have to maintain a relationship. That seems like hard work. Men are so entitled they expect you to be their novelty, their entertainment. I cannot be bothered. Prefer to be the man I was waiting for :-p

Hello love, I had PND with my dd. It was awful. The way you describe feeling like a pig was exactly how I felt. My h would ignore me and the baby in the evenings because he had no idea what to do with crying me and crying dd and i had nobody to help me at all. I was getting no sleep. (H would wake up to me wailing that I wished I was dead because dd would sleep for 45 mins at a time and I was going completely mad). I was sitting in mess. I wouldn't shower for an entire week and would be wearing the same thing without changing because baby wouldn't be put down and every time she cried, I cried. (Crying baby set off my pnd!) I wouldn't even eat during the day. When I decided that actually, I wasn't going to attempt to put her down, and tidy up when she was finally asleep and I would actually lay down with her to sleep was like a turning point to me. She's 1 now and it is easier - 2 months in is right in the trenches. H is also a bit more hands on even though I do feel quite frequently that it would be a hell of a lot easier doing it on my own..

Have you tried wearing baby in a sling while you do your job? You could also try feeding in the sling too if it's comfortable. I didn't manage to breastfeed dd because I had problems with her latching and my milk coming in because I had an infection.

It's fucking hard. Happy to chat by pm if you like.

I also have an 8 week old, and honestly just be kind to yourself. No matter how planned and wanted the baby was they still turn your life upside down and can take a bit of getting used to, especially with the first. This is my third and I'm definitely the most chilled now because I've done it all before.

Echo what pp said about feeding, if breast isn't working don't be afraid to ff/mix. My son won't latch at all without a shield and I've been mostly pumping since week 3 but will probably have to introduce some formula soon as my supply is reducing and quite frankly being tied to the pump multiple times a day is quite restricting. Will go on mostly expressing as much as I can but topping up with formula where necessary. Bf was my ideal but I refuse to feel guilty as I've done my best.

Also don't sweat the small stuff, try not to give a fuck about things that don't really matter

P. S I was a single parent to my older 2 for 12 years, since the youngest was under 1 and yes it's tough in many ways but actually easier in others. Everything was on my terms, I did what I wanted and there was no one to disagree with my parenting decisions