Single mums - WTF!

[NoThatsNotMyName]

.....is your secret?

My baby is 2 months old. My husband has gone back to work but is only part time as he's self employed. When he's working he sleeps in the spare room. I get no sleep when it's just me. (Exaggeration) and the house is a flipping mess! I mean a real disaster zone! The red cross are going to have to airlift me and baby out cos it's a bombsite (light hearted)

Please give me your secret you amazing women! Or men!

its not easy, no one finds their feet right away, and we all make mistakes, trick is not to beat yourself up because you haven't washed the dishes etc, just think fuck it instead!
Sleep when baby sleeps until you feel less drained, keep feeding, if thats the plan, and know that the more often you feed the more you will make, if you are really worried that you are not making enough, and cant get in for help for a while try some lactation cookies, or some herbal lactation supplements
if baby is crying a lot try raising the head of the cot a few inches, maybe its reflux or wind?
If you are leaking... get a pump and collect that liquid gold, you can freeze it for another day!
lol yes the wet or poop out every nappy exit is common, try a different brand of nappy, some absorb differently ( weirdly my first had to have Huggies, but my second huggies had a shit show of containing his explosive poop and the best out of 5 or 6 brands was a stores own brand... go figure)
Seriously, take each day as it comes and dont stress the small stuff, if you manage to take a shower or even eat a actual meal the day was a success!! ( take baby into the shower with you is also a good way to help calm him and help make him sleepy if hes over tired, have a few towels ready to lay him on when you get out)

It's such early days, give yourself a break. Do you have to work, if so can you put the baby in a sling while you clean. This worked for me in my own home but I appreciate a professional clean is more demanding.

I think there's a lot to be said for having a couple of days a week in bed with baby, top off and feed away. It'll help your milk and you can doze. Check the safe sleep advice about doing this though, particularly as you're tired.

On the nappy front, remember to unfold the crimped bits around the legs inside the nappy. It's not foolproof but it helps.

I think you need to be a whole heap kinder to yourself. You're doing this with very little outside help and historically that's not how we mother. Can you join a baby class, once you get talking to other mums you'll see that most of us are a hot mess, it just sometimes doesn't look that way

Does anyone have a tip about stopping nappies from leaking? I just pulled myself together enough to cuddle him and he's all wet up his back for the third time today.

With DS it was usually a sign that he needed bigger nappies.
If it leaks at the front, make sure his willy points down.
Also make sure it's snug enough. Nappies have elasticated bands. They should not be loose.

Also, [hug]. The first few months are hard and quite an adjustment, for any parent.
Try to make life easier for you. Concentrate on important tasks and don't accept any mess from your OH. He should tidy up after himself if he doesn't.
Don't leave things out of place. Make sure you put everything back where you took it from, so the mess doesn't pile up.
...

Routine as much as you can. Allocated lay in days for both of you as there is 2 parents in the house hold. Even if you’re up all night can he get up with the baby for a bit in the mornings?

The school holidays are awful as there’s not normally groups on but try to get out every morning, it’s the only way I coped.

I found it easier when I went back to work full time as we had a very set routine

Big hugs OP. Some people are just horrid!

I think the juggle is figuring out what is important - and your baby is so little, the cuddles and time spent with them isn't wasted time. Invest in a good sling or carrier which should mean you can bung some soup in the microwave and empty the dishwasher or whatever. Find some local mums, maybe a local BF group (kill 2 birds, socialising and BF support!) or something similar.

Hope you've spoken to your partner or GP about PND - if not, speak up. Don't suffer in silence, it's okay to ask for help, it doesn't mean you don't love your baby. Hugs xxxx

Not a single mum but practical tips.

If you are anything like me a messy house makes you more depressed so it's possible to do stuff with a baby, but it's shock to the system.

I do:

Clean the bathroom every time I shower. So after my shower wrap my towel around me and do a 5 min wipe and clean. Every time I go to the loo I give I a quick wipe and shove some bleach down it.

On a day my husband was around I did a ruthless de clutter. Bought a large box for babies toys and anything which doesn't fit is donated. Have a wardrobe and bookcase for baby. It's amazing how much baby crap you can fit in Those two items. At the end of the day while holding baby as part of bedtime routine all toys go in box, clothes go in washing basket or wardrobe.

I do one wash every single morning on a quick cycle. Dry on clothes horse as soon as done. Put away while clearing toys at bedtime. Baby when younger went in bouncer, then playpen, now 'helps' i.e. Crawls around in vicinity.

I put baby in sling to hoover with a toy attached to a dummy clip.

Cooking I find hardest. Usually it involves baby in highchair with a snack (pre weaning would use bouncer) make stuff which is super quick like pasta, can knock a lasagna up in 10 mins flat at a push.

I use nap times as my chill time. And go to one group/park/see a friend every day in the afternoon.

So average day is:

Up loads in the night/co-sleep on bad ones.
7ish give up and put baby on highchair with some cereal in front of CBeebies. I use this time to make my breakfast and a cuppa and put on a load of washing.
After breakfast we get dressed. I generally speed dress while keeping an eye on baby crawling everywhere. This was easier when I could plonk baby on bed and make faces while dressing.
We walk dog and then go to an activity.
Back for lunch - prep while she has some fruit in highchair in kitchen. Eat and clear up quickly while she is still in hoghchair/
Nap time and a break for me
After nap we spend 30 mins on a chore so Monday is living room, Tuesday bedrooms etc she is normally easily entertained after nap. I do the best I can in 30 mins. We then play and chill until dinner time. Follow same routine as lunch. Then quick clear away signals start of bedtime. Bath story bed. When she goes to bed I shower.

I hope that helps, it's evolved over months. Sorry for essay

I do admit to wondering how single parents manage to keep it together, especially with older kids. To be fair when I say single parents I mean parents coping alone without the kid's dad or close family who are willing to help around

It's such early days, don't be too hard on yourself. A bit of mess around the house won't hurt anyone. As long as you and your baby are happy.

My crappy milk means that I am having to bf but also do bottles and then also pump at every feed. I struggle to just plop him down aftet a feed to pump. I should be playing with him! Lactation clinic suggested dom perignon not the champagne but the lactation drug. (Would still need to pump round the clock.) Does it work anyone?

You just sort of muddle through the first year (I did anyway). I had PND which made it all feel unbearable but medication helped a lot. You adjust to the lack of sleep after a while, and learn to nap with the baby. Mine is 3 now and slept through the night at 2 years, but I still wake every two hours expecting her to shout!

Jeepers, way to make a new mum feel better! She doesn't mean that she is like a single parent and she is feeling overwhelmed and genuinely wondering how lone parents with no respite do it because she is struggling despite having support. I have wondered that myself at times. So sorry for having patronising thoughts.

I know exactly what you mean, OP.

I don't know about feeding because mine were ff but generally I would say whatever expectations you have lower them. Take another look then lower them again!

On days when I am tired or ill and with them alone I attempt nothing but the basics. I let them watch TV, eat whatever is easiest and I attempt nothing in terms of housework.

It gets easier as they get a bit bigger in some ways and you get into your stride. My theory is one of the reasons it is so tiring and overwhelming at first (other than sleep deprivation) is because suddenly you have to learn and remember all this new stuff. New person with all his own little quirks, needs, likes and you have to discover them all from observing him, trying things out, reading books, taking advice etc. because he cannot actually tell you what he wants.

Sorry people have been total pillocks to you on this thread! I'm a single mum... but can't cope on my own and so I have a parent living with me to help. Everyone does it differently. People deliberately chose to be offended at what you wrote and it's quite ridiculous. What a bunch of pompous titheads. You will make it work. A loving atmosphere is the most important thing for your baby. Don't worry about the mess. They don't notice. Take it slowly. Little five minute jobs here and there. Don't let it overwhelm you. Just make a list of what you want to achieve and do it in ten minute slots. Take breaks. Don't worry. As you've seen from this thread, life is full as nasty swines who will do their best to get you down, so protect yourself and your little one. A happy, chilled out home is best. Smile. Look at the kid you made! You're doing a good job. x

Are the nappies tight enough at the waist. With ours I found that whenever DH did a nappy change he was nervous of over tightening the nappy and they always leaked.

Usually, if a nappy leaks, unless it's totally sodden, it'll be the wrong size. Are you making sure the frills are pulled out?

Milk - feed as often as you can, but give yourself a break, and give the baby some formula once or twice a day. It's not poison and it won't make your milk dry up l, contrary to the scare stories you hear from breastapo - I say this as someone who ebfd and is still breastfeeding my nearly 3yo now. Is your baby putting on weight, soiled/wet nappies etc?

It looks like you need proper breastfeeding advice.

Try this site: kellymom.com/

Expressing is never the same as a baby feeding, and personally, I'd either persist with breastfeeding, or switch to bottles. Mixing breastfeeding with bottles AND expressing would be too much hassle for me and, quite frankly, not worth bothering with.

BTW, I imagine that he was checked for tongue tie?

Some people have been really nasty to you op. You asked for help am tips in a friendly manner.

Anyway the secret is this:

1. your baby will not always be a little baby, they’ll grow into a child that can do things and not require watching 24/7

2. every day that passes, you gain more experience in this parenting lark. It may not feel like it, but every day you are learning from things going wrong. And like anything, the more you do it, the better you get at it.

3. please care a lot less about other people’s nastiness and judgements. Don’t engage with nasty people online or in real life

I took a lot of domperidone. A lot. Probably too much. I pumped and pumped around the clock and almost gave myself a nervous breakdown. I have carried a massive pair of boobs around with me all my life and when it came down to it... they just didn't do their job and I probably put my own health at risk by trying to get them to work. I spent far too long watching Youtube videos about pumping, ordering herbs and potions, crying... pumping some more, crying. She got as much milk as I had. That's it. The only thing I regret is pissing about trying to get more and feeling like a total failure. That wasn't good for my kid. Give yourself a break. Really.

I haven't read all the responses but enough to feel bloody awful for the OP who wanted a hand hold and some practical advice.

I'd recommend a sling for the baby. Might allow you some time to do the breakfast dishes and squirt bleach down the loo.

Aside from that just take every day as it comes. Ask husband to do bigger cleaning jobs when he's off? Know this time passes. And ignore people with no empathy on the internet.

Ooh thanks lweji 😊 yes he had a slight toungue tie which was sorted at 5 weeks. I think it was a bit late by then though.

Its gets better when the baby is over three months and even better after four months, you are nearly there..in meantime there are good words of advice here for you,. any assistance you can get take it, most people like to be given an actual proper task so any hint of a offer jump on it, have you got family that you could ask to give your kitchen a quick tidy up or your bathroom a quick scrub while you took a nap, or a walk with baby, and if not sit down with husband see if your finances can stretch to a few hours cleaning or an ironing service , I understand while we all say forget about house, sitting watching it get messier around you only makes it harder to relax so if you can have a room that you dump all the mess into until you have more time great, if not try behind the couch!!

Single mum of 4 here (single with 1st and again since pregnant with the 4th) and I didn't take any offence at your post.
Those early months can be hard.
Now, this might not be popular and I say this as a mum who breastfed 2 of my children till they were 3 - I did it because it made life easier for me. My other 2 I wasn't as successful and so bottle fed. If bf'ing is causing you more angst than satisfaction then think carefully.
Lower your standards re housework (but not to the detriment of your mh)
Make sure you have a good combination of healthy and yummy snacks/meals to eat when you are literally on your knees and that take almost zero preparation.
Try and carve out some time for yourself during the weekend and week where baby is taken out by your husband, or you go out. Yea your dh needs his sleep but you do too. These early years are difficult - you have to work together and communicate well (my ex and I couldn't hence me being a single parent now)

I think they are tight enoigh but he pulls his legs up during a change it makes it hard to get them on right

I know this sounds really cruel but I used to gently rest my leg over DD's legs when she wriggled about during nappy changes. It kept her still, it didn't hurt her and it meant her nappy wasn't falling off three minutes after I put it on.

I don't know what the routine is with your partner but I'm concerned you're struggling to cope yet still worrying about the house being a mess? Is he doing housework when he finishes work? It's one thing excusing yourself from night duties if you work during the day but there's no excuse not to run the hoover around once you finish work.

DD was a really difficult baby for the first three months. I don't think I would have coped if I had another adult to concern myself with. In that respect, single parenting is easier. I didn't feel guilty if the house was a mess because I'd been at the park all afternoon because it was the only way to stop her crying and then spent three hours on the sofa stuffing Pringles in my gob and watching Friends on DVD. There was only me there to care and I didn't have the energy to care so it didn't matter.

I also think you need to see your GP.

Christ there's always people ready to jump on anything on Mumsnet. It's genuinely shitty behaviour, anyone with a spot of empathy can see the OP is struggling.

Its really hard in those early months OP, mothers are judged endlessly - we're meant to be exclusively breast feeding, losing weight to fit into our pre birth jeans very quickly, have a baby in a routine who sleeps and doesn't deviate, a show home - and even if you think fuck that for a lark you still feel like you're failing. You're seeking help which is great but to go easy on yourself, you don't need to get everything perfect, your child will be fine. And I get why you're feeling overwhelmed, it's that huge responsibility that isn't equally shared between you and your partner and it's tough. It mainly falls to women, wrong or right. My husband works in a really intense job where I can't demand he's back and doing equal amounts (he's got the ultimate excuse, people could die). I found it equally difficult and know exactly where you're coming from. However, now my youngest is about to go to school it's got so much easier. Concentrate on getting through now, not being hard on yourself and things will get easier I promise.

Many things can make nappies leak

1. baby having skinnier legs than the nappy is intended for (even if correct weight etc)

2. when my ds was a baby I made sure his willy was pointing straight down, not sideways as then more of the nappy to absorb wee, rather than it going sideways and leaking out the side

3. change more often possibly? Don’t wait til it’s really heavy with wee.

4. if all fails, try a different brand of nappy

Am a single mom and agree with all previous answers. Coping comes through lack of any other alternative. That's it.

Newborn days are really hard especially with a non sleeper. The rules are basically the same, one day at a time, be very very patient and kind with yourself, lower all standards and count each small achievement as huge.

I really understand, children are joyous and amazing and unrelenting and utterly difficult. Often all in the same hour.

I try and remember that each phase passes and the phrase ' the days are long, but the years are short' helps when trying to remember to enjoy it/ survive it.

I also find Flames by Sia the perfect song to cry and then pull socks back up to