I’m going to try and keep the details as brief as possible as this has a long history...
DB and SIL been married c10 years with 2 DC 9 and 7. I have always struggled to understand their relationship as I don’t believe she pulls her weight and from I see, openly speaks unkindly to my DB. My parents supported them and gave them substantial deposit for house, set SIL with job and have generally been at their beck and call. SIL never shown gratitude. DB takes all financial burden and does all housework (I’m not kidding, dishes, hoovering, bathroom, dusting etc) but mainly as he has slight ocd. SIL almost every weekend would spend one full day out with friends shopping or catching up with girlfriends. Often would be out overnight at short notice. I want to be clear here...I absolutely think she has the right to have down time and nights out but the balance is very wrong and DB left holding kiddies.
18 months ago, my DB found out she had been cheating. Not once but over a period of years and with different men. She also rung up debts as had a gambling addiction he wasn’t aware of. She moved out and they kept civil for kids while he pretty much had a mental breakdown. He went into therapy and took a real hard look at how they ended up there.
SIL also laid bare everything and admitted she hadn’t liked herself for a long time (terrible relationship with her own DP) and wanted to face her demons. She also went into therapy on her own...and they did couples therapy.
Meanwhile, myself, DH and DP picked up the pieces with DC.s as best we could and supported DB. It has been a traumatic period for us all!
After the counselling and a lot of work, they have decided to make a go of it. This thread isn’t about his decision...I don’t understand it but have to support his choice. And in fairness, SIL does seem to have had a wake up call and done a lot of changing.
However, as a couple, they now seem to expect everyone to pick up where we left off. It’s my Aunts 60th in November and the first time we will be seeing her since it all happened. I have asked DB if we can have a chat with her beforehand and perhaps clear the air. I’m not talking all at once but feel she should sit with my parents and then myself and talk through it all. My DP have seen her since through childcare but the conversation has wholly revolved around kids, errands and schedules etc.
I don’t want to rake over the whole affair but I do think myself and DP are owed an apology at least and perhaps commitment that things will be different from now on. My DB disagrees and says he was the hurt party and he’s forgiven her so that should be the end of it. It’s not a matter of needing our forgiveness (we respect my DB and will support him whatever), it’s more that we were hurt, we were also let down and we had to put our lives on hold to support him...therefore she owes us an apology too.
AIBU at this event to be civil to her but not fully engage until we get a 121 conversation with an apology and a promise of things change?
If you’ve made it this far, thank you!