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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from my cheating SIL?

174 replies

GoEasyOnMe · 30/08/2018 11:46

I’m going to try and keep the details as brief as possible as this has a long history...

DB and SIL been married c10 years with 2 DC 9 and 7. I have always struggled to understand their relationship as I don’t believe she pulls her weight and from I see, openly speaks unkindly to my DB. My parents supported them and gave them substantial deposit for house, set SIL with job and have generally been at their beck and call. SIL never shown gratitude. DB takes all financial burden and does all housework (I’m not kidding, dishes, hoovering, bathroom, dusting etc) but mainly as he has slight ocd. SIL almost every weekend would spend one full day out with friends shopping or catching up with girlfriends. Often would be out overnight at short notice. I want to be clear here...I absolutely think she has the right to have down time and nights out but the balance is very wrong and DB left holding kiddies.

18 months ago, my DB found out she had been cheating. Not once but over a period of years and with different men. She also rung up debts as had a gambling addiction he wasn’t aware of. She moved out and they kept civil for kids while he pretty much had a mental breakdown. He went into therapy and took a real hard look at how they ended up there.

SIL also laid bare everything and admitted she hadn’t liked herself for a long time (terrible relationship with her own DP) and wanted to face her demons. She also went into therapy on her own...and they did couples therapy.

Meanwhile, myself, DH and DP picked up the pieces with DC.s as best we could and supported DB. It has been a traumatic period for us all!

After the counselling and a lot of work, they have decided to make a go of it. This thread isn’t about his decision...I don’t understand it but have to support his choice. And in fairness, SIL does seem to have had a wake up call and done a lot of changing.

However, as a couple, they now seem to expect everyone to pick up where we left off. It’s my Aunts 60th in November and the first time we will be seeing her since it all happened. I have asked DB if we can have a chat with her beforehand and perhaps clear the air. I’m not talking all at once but feel she should sit with my parents and then myself and talk through it all. My DP have seen her since through childcare but the conversation has wholly revolved around kids, errands and schedules etc.

I don’t want to rake over the whole affair but I do think myself and DP are owed an apology at least and perhaps commitment that things will be different from now on. My DB disagrees and says he was the hurt party and he’s forgiven her so that should be the end of it. It’s not a matter of needing our forgiveness (we respect my DB and will support him whatever), it’s more that we were hurt, we were also let down and we had to put our lives on hold to support him...therefore she owes us an apology too.

AIBU at this event to be civil to her but not fully engage until we get a 121 conversation with an apology and a promise of things change?

If you’ve made it this far, thank you!

OP posts:
SassitudeandSparkle · 30/08/2018 12:51

If you don't feel comfortable meeting up with her then don't - I think that's reasonable in the circumstances.

If it was me, I wouldn't meet up with her for a girl's night out or a couples night. I just wouldn't expect an apology as it wouldn't make a difference to my feelings anyway.

Not down to your parents to sort out the debts (via a loan) either, but they need to be the ones telling your brother this not you.

MrsExpo · 30/08/2018 12:51

Good for you for supporting your brother though this tough time, but he's patched up his differences with his partner and moved on. Whether you like it or not is irrelevant. YABU for expecting any kind of talk to"clear the air" or an apology. It's not your relationship, so respect your brother's decision and move on.

NonaGrey · 30/08/2018 12:52

I uunderstand better following your update GoEasy.

Your brother needs to understand that girly shopping trips are off the table. And that couples night is a long way off.

She behaved badly, there are consequences.

You can be supportive without blindly pretending that nothing has happened and without protecting her from the consequences of her behaviour.

Personally I’d stick to family occasions only.

If she wants to rebuild your friendship she’ll need to work for it.

PositivelyPERF · 30/08/2018 12:53

You’re just going to put more pressure on an already fragile marriage and push your Sil away. I’ve no time for people that cheat, but it’s NOT YOUR MARRIAGE, so keep out.

CripsSandwiches · 30/08/2018 12:53

Whatever your feelings are, they are goingbto be a thousand times less severe than your brother's. Try and support him as best you can. At the moment that would seem to be by treating his spouse without disdain and not trying to get involved in their marriage. If your brother asks you for advice by all means give it but don't do anything else you're only making his life harder.

mirialis · 30/08/2018 12:56

Yeah, it would royally piss me off if my parents were having to pay off her debts too.

madja · 30/08/2018 13:02

You don't need an apology OP, but I think you got that loud and clear, however I do think your DB is being unfair expecting you to pick up where you left off. That has to be a gradual thing surely as you all find your way through the new landscape. He shouldn't be arranging these for you either.
A new relationship between you all will develop over time, but it can't be forced. (I've been through this with close friends)

Sorry10 · 30/08/2018 13:04

I think you are completely right to feel you are owed a apology, unlikely you will get one though.
But I agree I've seen it before when a marriage breaks down it affects the whole family especially close family . You supported DB and his DC so it's very upsetting situation. I think you feel are owed apology because it upset you a lot and you dropped everything to support your family which I understand. But yes your DB he has chosen to forgive and try again, hopefully Sil has realised what she nearly lost and will change . I think it's possible if you speak with Sil she may not agree with you and fall out , do you really want to have that to deal with too ? .
I think you should take a sigh of relief all is sorted but if she expects all to be as it was just explain she will have to prove you wrong, just be civil but keep her at arms length and try not to get as involved in DB life again.

Allthewaves · 30/08/2018 13:07

She doesn't owe you anything. Tbh the risky behaviour and gambling addiction would point to mental health issue.

Thebluedog · 30/08/2018 13:07

It’s a v difficult situation for you as you’ve seen the aftermath and how it affected your db. But it’s his decision and his marrige. All you can do is be there for him. As for her, no, I don’t believe she owes you or your dp an apology, if you feel awkward around her then don’t spend time with her, exchange hellos if you must, then remove yourself.

GunpowderGelatine · 30/08/2018 13:10

DB takes all financial burden and does all housework (I’m not kidding, dishes, hoovering, bathroom, dusting etc) but mainly as he has slight ocd. SIL almost every weekend would spend one full day out with friends shopping or catching up with girlfriends.

What, a MAN cleans lots Shock and she does things other than runs about after her fella and her kids?!!! Things for herself? Bitch. What kind of woman is she Hmm

As an aside YABVU. Not your marriage, keep your beak out

BeenThereDone · 30/08/2018 13:10

Absolutely not... Just sounds to me like you want her to sit in front of you and beg ur forgiveness while u tell her ever so magnanimous how she hurt you all and hope that she will think twice in the future....

None of your business!!

ItWentInMyEye · 30/08/2018 13:11

YABU. I can't work out why you think you're deserving of an apology? She's done nothing to you personally.

WeirdCatLady · 30/08/2018 13:15

Oh my god, you have some nerve. Presumably you’d be happiest if she was paraded through the streets in sackcloth and ashes, ringing a bell and chanting shame?

Their relationship is NOTHING to do with you so, unless you want to create a permanent rift, you need to keep your nose out! Jeez - entitled much OP?

SeaToSki · 30/08/2018 13:16

Peraonally I think she owes a lot of people an apology, including you, your DPs and whatever other friends she dragged into her mess. If she had kept it all behind closed doors, it would be another matter, but from your updates, she clearly didnt

However, you cant ask for a apology - it has to be freely given.

But I do think you could have a frank conversation with her about how her actions have impacted on your friendship and that you feel the need to start back at the begining again and cant jump right back to where you were. You can have this conversation with the full intention of being supportive and helpful going forward. Just at the level of intimacy that you are comfortable with.

Original poster
GoEasyOnMe · 30/08/2018 13:17

@madja oh yes, got that message and won't be persuing this with DB 😊

@NonaGrey I think you hit the nail on the head when you talk about him protecting her from consequence and I think that's what he's trying to do by repairing our friendship. I understand this but I think he also can't artificially repair something which is broken.

So after reading all suggestions I think I will have a heart to heart with DB. I will be very sensitive and say that I am on their side as a couple and I am rooting for them and so proud of all the work they're doing on the relationship...but it's going to take me some time and work for me to spend time one on one with SIL. That I want to work on it for his sake and get back to the friendship we all shared but it will not happen instantly...that although he's seen a change in her which is great, I've had no contact and that, for me, slowly integrating back into family life is the best way for this to happen. I'll say I'm looking forward to my Aunts bday in Nov and starting to build those bridges but that anything just girls before that would be just asking too much.

Essentially I want to convey my support, say I'm willing but that it needs to be gentle and not forced?

What do you think?

OP posts:
Original poster
GoEasyOnMe · 30/08/2018 13:18

And thanks to those that read my updates!

OP posts:
AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/08/2018 13:19

You don't have to go out with her, and your parents don't have to lend them money. You have every right to tell your brother that atm you don't feel comfortable going out with her because you are still, understandably, angry about what she did. But none of you have the right to drag her before a family tribunal, presumably ending in the dispensation of conditional absolution. (Mixed metaphors, I know). That bit reads a little as if you wish her to be humiliated - perhaps to grovel a bit - as justice or revenge for what she has put you through. To perhaps be put in her place and intimidated into good behaviour going forward. That may give you a sense of satisfaction, but it's not right.

You havr the right to associate with her as much or as little as you choose, and she has the right to not be forced to answer to an inquisition.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/08/2018 13:20

X posts, OP :) Good plan, I think.

Original poster
GoEasyOnMe · 30/08/2018 13:21

@mirialis Right? Especially since he gently suggested she go to work part time (a couple of half days here and there) to help pay it off and she said she can't the thought of work and needs the time the kids are at school to work on herself... which I do understand when you're in therapy but perhaps a commitment to consider it when she's feeling more on top of things?

OP posts:
Gettingbackonmyfeet · 30/08/2018 13:22

I honestly don't see why you still feel you're entitled to have that conversation with db at all

I can entirely understand limiting your interaction, I would feel the same and the couple's nights wouldn't sit well with me but I would just say no

By commenting that you are rooting for them it's somewhat patronising and you still seem to think you're a factor in this...you absolutely aren't...ypu simply aren't relevant to the choices they make

FAirplay for recognising the apology isn't appropriate (and yes its very entitled ) but you now just need to back off this really isnt anything to do with you

crosstalk · 30/08/2018 13:22

OP that sounds great if you can keep it really warm with your DB and bite your tongue. Ref the money - I can understand your concern, especially since a gambling habit, like any other, is bloody hard to kick. But leave it between him and your DP at the moment.

nhssecretary · 30/08/2018 13:24

What are you, her mum?

Of course you can't

It's shit when it's not your own blood as you can't have it out with them as such. But seriously this isn't your place. You helped from the good of your heart, not a higher place.
Don't be high and mighty after wards. Keep your grace. Don't pester your brother either

TheStopAndChat · 30/08/2018 13:24

YABU

She owes you nothing and you are waaaaaay over-invested in a marriage that isn't yours.
You and your judgy pants need to take a giant step back

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 30/08/2018 13:26

GettingBack, tbf to OP it does sound as if the brother is putting on the pressure for things to go back to the way they were, and as much as he may want his happy family restored, this isn't a situation in which things can just be business as usual, so it sounds as if OP will need to spell out her feelings a bit - and she could do it a lot less diplomatically than the way she is proposing to.

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