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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want an apology from my cheating SIL?

174 replies

GoEasyOnMe · 30/08/2018 11:46

I’m going to try and keep the details as brief as possible as this has a long history...

DB and SIL been married c10 years with 2 DC 9 and 7. I have always struggled to understand their relationship as I don’t believe she pulls her weight and from I see, openly speaks unkindly to my DB. My parents supported them and gave them substantial deposit for house, set SIL with job and have generally been at their beck and call. SIL never shown gratitude. DB takes all financial burden and does all housework (I’m not kidding, dishes, hoovering, bathroom, dusting etc) but mainly as he has slight ocd. SIL almost every weekend would spend one full day out with friends shopping or catching up with girlfriends. Often would be out overnight at short notice. I want to be clear here...I absolutely think she has the right to have down time and nights out but the balance is very wrong and DB left holding kiddies.

18 months ago, my DB found out she had been cheating. Not once but over a period of years and with different men. She also rung up debts as had a gambling addiction he wasn’t aware of. She moved out and they kept civil for kids while he pretty much had a mental breakdown. He went into therapy and took a real hard look at how they ended up there.

SIL also laid bare everything and admitted she hadn’t liked herself for a long time (terrible relationship with her own DP) and wanted to face her demons. She also went into therapy on her own...and they did couples therapy.

Meanwhile, myself, DH and DP picked up the pieces with DC.s as best we could and supported DB. It has been a traumatic period for us all!

After the counselling and a lot of work, they have decided to make a go of it. This thread isn’t about his decision...I don’t understand it but have to support his choice. And in fairness, SIL does seem to have had a wake up call and done a lot of changing.

However, as a couple, they now seem to expect everyone to pick up where we left off. It’s my Aunts 60th in November and the first time we will be seeing her since it all happened. I have asked DB if we can have a chat with her beforehand and perhaps clear the air. I’m not talking all at once but feel she should sit with my parents and then myself and talk through it all. My DP have seen her since through childcare but the conversation has wholly revolved around kids, errands and schedules etc.

I don’t want to rake over the whole affair but I do think myself and DP are owed an apology at least and perhaps commitment that things will be different from now on. My DB disagrees and says he was the hurt party and he’s forgiven her so that should be the end of it. It’s not a matter of needing our forgiveness (we respect my DB and will support him whatever), it’s more that we were hurt, we were also let down and we had to put our lives on hold to support him...therefore she owes us an apology too.

AIBU at this event to be civil to her but not fully engage until we get a 121 conversation with an apology and a promise of things change?

If you’ve made it this far, thank you!

OP posts:
Alpacanorange · 30/08/2018 12:01

Yabu. It would be humiliating for her. Give her kindness and space, she may thank you in her own time and that would worth a lot more than a 121 you seek.

SemperIdem · 30/08/2018 12:07

Yabu.

Rebecca36 · 30/08/2018 12:07

You are obviously still feeling resentment on behalf of your brother but please try to control that. Just be glad that they are getting things together, that is no mean feat.

Mugglemom · 30/08/2018 12:07

I don't think it's fair to expect an apology, but neither should she expect your relationship to be the same as it was before you found out about the pain she caused your brother.

movinonup · 30/08/2018 12:07

I can understand why you feel this way OP. However she doesn't owe you an apology.

Ginkypig · 30/08/2018 12:07

It's nothing to do with you. She married him not your family.

Your involvement was to help your db and you would have done that no matter the circumstances because he is your brother and you love him. So you being put out was a choice you made which actually you didn't need to make, you chose to. it's lovely for him that you did.

Your entitled to your feelings about her as one human is about another and those feelings may mean you have a less close (but polite) relationship but her/his relationship is their business. If you respect your brother you have to respect his choices.

I know your hurt because he was hurt and you love him but she didn't set out to hurt you, you can never know the intricacies of another's relationship.

Sheldonoscopy · 30/08/2018 12:08

You sound like my mum.

Me and dp split for a while, and naturally I turned to her. I told her all the bad stuff that had happened and why I felt like I did. I was just venting. I didn’t think dp and I would ever get back together.

Then we did. My mum said outright to me that she was owed an apology from him for what he’d done. Which I told her straight that it wouldn’t happen. It won’t. What went wrong in our relationship was between he and I, and whilst I apologised for my mum being there and getting vented on (and she acknowledged she was happy to be as she’s my mum) I told her the stuff that happened was between myself and him and nothing to do with her, certainly not by way of apology from him to her.

She still won’t speak to him. It’s been over a year that we’ve been back together. My issues with him (of which he here are few) are never relayed to her. I’ve learned my lesson.

What I’m trying to say to you is that you were there for your dB because he’s family. Your support wasn’t conditional on him remaining apart from her.
What she did was between them. It had impact further reaching but her vows were to him, her promises were to him.
See how it goes. Be there for your brother. Don’t demand apologies because it’ll send him further from you and next time he won’t turn to you.

IceCreamSunday87 · 30/08/2018 12:08

YABU
What goes on in their marriage is nothing to do with you.
Yes you helped your brother through it, but that's what family is for surely.
Still none of your business, very odd you think you or anyone else is due an apology. Apart from your brother and their children of course.

Gersemi · 30/08/2018 12:10

You must know that there is no way on earth that she will meekly sit down and apologise and wait for you and your parents to tell her off - because your brother is right, it's his business and no-one else's. So don't waste any more time on this idea.

Knittedfairies · 30/08/2018 12:11

It’s nothing to do with you; keep your sticky beak out of your brother’s relationship.
I’m not very good at spotting reverses, but this has me wondering if you’re actually the SIL in this post.

BitOutOfPractice · 30/08/2018 12:11

You can want an apology all you like but you’re not entitled to one? And even if she did, do you think you’d be happy with an apology forced out of her? Are you hoping humiliating her will make you feel better?

BarbraDear · 30/08/2018 12:11

WTF? Are you actually being serious? You are absolutely NOT entitled to an apology from your SIL. You have absolutely nothing to do with their marriage and she cheated on him not you AND your partner.

I'm actually stunned that you think she should apologise to you. I really hate inlaws who get far too involved with their families relationships and can't just let the two people in the relationship get on with it without their input and interference.

YABVU, dislike her all you want (she's been an absolute bitch to your brother), keep her at arms length but don't expect her to apologise to you for something you aren't involved in.

Fromage · 30/08/2018 12:12

YABU

I totally understand your feelings, but your job is to accept your brother's decision and support him in that. If that means being civil and sweeping it all under the carpet, so be it, sometimes we just have to suck it up. You don't have to be your SIL's bff but you do have to be friendly and polite.

However, in private, to discreet friends who don't know her, it is perfectly OK to vent. It's a frustrating situation but their relationship is between them, and if your brother has thanked you for supporting him, that's an end to it. You won't help him or his children by asking for his wife to show contrition to those to whom she doesn't, imo, owe an apology.

ellaV · 30/08/2018 12:13

I'm agreeing with everyone else here that your SIL owes you nothing. I'm really pleased for your DB and the children that they have their family unit back together... I wouldn't make that difficult for him.

He'd choose them over you and your parents any day of the week, so I'd stop this now if I were you. Your parents wouldn't thank you either I shouldn't think

JessicaJonesJacket · 30/08/2018 12:13

YABU it's none of your business. Offering support to your DB and his DCs was your choice and it does not give you the right to demand explanations or commitments from his DW.

deepsea · 30/08/2018 12:16

She absolutely does not owe you any kind of apology! Why on earth would she. Your brother was damaged party not you.

Stop making a fuss, start being supportive even if you don’t agree with their decision and give her a break. It is going to take some courage to attend the party given what she has done, so do the decent thing and don’t make it even worse than it already is for your db.

Original poster
GoEasyOnMe · 30/08/2018 12:17

Thanks so much for your replies. I have read them all and can see that this is a bad idea! Just to caveat, I have absolutely not made a big deal of this with my DB, merely said I would feel very uncomfortable with going back to normal without some sort of air clearing conversation. And I have been very very careful not to say anything negative about her in his presence.

@Mugglemom I guess that's where I'm struggling. When I say they want to pick up where they left off-I mean just that. We used to have a couples night out where DPs would have their DC and we would do something as a foursome. He expects that to continue... I used to go out one on one with her often in a bid to get a bit closer...he wants me to start doing that again to bring her back into the fold.

I'm just not sure I can do that given how much hurt she's caused my DB. I absolutely will be civil and interact but I don't think I can just switch back on the relationship we once had?

OP posts:
Plumsofwrath · 30/08/2018 12:19

Talk through what? Apologise to you for what?

Have you apologized for every action of yours that has had a negative impact on someone else?

You are being ridiculous and totally unreasonable.

stickygotstuck · 30/08/2018 12:19

Against the tide, I sort of see where you are coming from OP.

They expect us to pick up where we left off resonated with me.

Not sure an apology/explanation to you should happen or is the best option. But I do believe that neither your SIL or your DB can expect things to be to exactly how they were between you and them before they put you through emotional and practical hardship.

Not sure how long it will take or whether a chat or a conversation would help, but I do think it's disingenous in the extreme of PPs to think that what goes one in your DB&SILS's relationship has not impacted the rest of their (close & involved) familiy.

greendale17 · 30/08/2018 12:20

We used to have a couples night out where DPs would have their DC and we would do something as a foursome. He expects that to continue... I used to go out one on one with her often in a bid to get a bit closer...he wants me to start doing that again to bring her back into the fold.

^Your brother sounds like a walkover. Just because he has taken her back doesn’t mean that everyone else has to.

I would have lost all respect for her. Keep it civil and keep her at arms length.

IgglePigglesAnnoyingGiggle · 30/08/2018 12:21

She might be with your brother for the rest of his life. Seems to me that a couples night would be a good way to start repairing any broken bridges?

serbska · 30/08/2018 12:21

Nooooooooooooooo!

Much as you might hate her guts, do not do this.

She didn't cheat on you. She wasn't in any kind of relationship with you.

She didn't ask you to look after the kids or pick up the pieces.

She probably expected the father to continue looking after his children as he ha been doing.

You helped your DB because you love HIM. You don't need an apology from SiL.

stickygotstuck · 30/08/2018 12:21

Cross post with OP!

Blondephantom · 30/08/2018 12:21

I don’t think you should expect her to apologise. Your brother is right. It would be a good idea to see each other before the event to get the initial awkwardness out of the way.

By the same token she shouldn’t expect things to go back to how they have always been. I wouldn’t want to babysit if there was a possibility she was off meeting someone else again. I would be polite but it would take time to build the relationship again.

Plumsofwrath · 30/08/2018 12:21

Just seen your update. Your DB is asking for your support I’m going out as a foursome, or going out with just her. This wasn’t your trauma, your heartache etc. you just played a supporting role. He’s asking you to continue supporting him.

This isn’t about you.